Stay with me on this one. Although it seems to be a long and meandering miscourse of disparate anecdotes (and, truth be told, that pretty much pegs it) there is a point in there.

I'm out of the dart tournament. Here at work there's an annual dart tournament (although this is my third year and this is the first one since I've been here). It's double elimination. I'm out after two games. My second loss was to a girl. A girl who sets her throw with her hand a good 8 inches from her head, off to the side. And kicks up her rear leg when she throws. I used to be good. No, check that. I used to be Damned good. I used to get on the board at the local pub and not get off until it was time for wings. What the hell happened? 7 years of not throwing darts happened. 7 years of not worrying about winning the next game to save a buck (loser/challenger pays and electronic Cricket was a buck a game) so there'd be another buck in the booze pool.

Since my ignominious elimination last week I've played at least a game each day at lunch and an occasional one in the morning. This morning, every mark closed ('cept bulls) in 5 rounds. Boo yah! The kid's still got it. Lemme back in the tourney! No dice. I'm a spectator until the next annual tournament (in 2006?).

Got a haircut. Short. Number 3 blade on the sides and back with a nice soft blend to the slightly longer top. Short hair has lots of advantages. First, it's hot in Atlanta. I'm outside a lot these days (3 kids will do that to you). With short hair you don't have massive sweat build up under the hat and when a breeze starts up you doff that sucker and feel the glory of natural air conditioning cool your brain. Ahhhh. Second, it's easy. Shower, towel, brush once each side. Done. Stays there all day without hair gunk. Lastly, the hairs stand a bit higher. Their numbers are not what they once were. Before they could lay in ambush, well camouflaged by their peers. Now my follicle army must rise and present their strength boldly to do battle with the encroaching Army of Forehead.

I've been teasing Pop about his ever increasing balditude pretty much since I could speak and realized that it pissed him off. Bear looked at me the other day and said he could see my head inside my hair. Soon it will begin. Karma sucks.

Thought about fighting it. There's a lot of options now. Plugs, transplants, Rogaine with Minoxidil, lots of new stuff you hear advertised lately. Maybe a nice rug? Maybe take the initiative and just go bald like Ryan did? Nah. The only one of those I could respect myself after implementing would be the ultimate shave treatment but I was in the Navy and I remember the trauma of seeing what I look like bald. Some guys look good totally bald. I am not one of those people. I'll resign battle and wait it out until I have a heavenly halo surrounding my pate, just like Pop has now. Then the two of us can sit back with a beer and laugh at Bear when he realizes that he's losing his hair. Sometimes Karma is okay.

There are two sorts of people. Those that masturbate and those that lie about it. My three boys fall firmly into the first category. I swear, as soon as the pants are off it's open season. Bacon is the worst offender. The other two will run around nekkid having a great time with an occasional grope to pacify them. Bacon's first priority is rolling the wurst and all other considerations are secondary. I was a bit concerned about all of this at first but Lovely Wife assured me it's normal and healthy behavior. Apparently it is. They don't do it when they have clothes on so there's no fear of the uneducated seeing this behavior and thinking that Lovely Wife and i are pervert child molesters or anything like that. So, what the hell. Let 'em go, I say. I mean really - I would give a lot for it to be socially acceptable for me to drop trou and choke the pope on a whim. You go boys! Enjoy it while you can.

Did a lot of running around yesterday. At Borders, little Burger had a blast yelling out his favorite new word. "Memo!" That's like Nemo, not the annoying things at work. In fact, it is supposed to be Nemo but he can't do "N" yet. That's Nemo the fish of course, not the star of the classic work of fiction. "Hey, Burger. Nemo!" Big smile on little face and "MEMO!" at the top of the little lungs. Daddy: "Nemo!" Burger: "MEMO!" Daddy: "Nemo!" Burger: "MEMO!" We attracted some disapproving looks but who gives a damn. When you can get a smile that big from an impromptu accapela round of "Nemo!" "MEMO!" nothing else much matters. You want to read your book for free go to the bloody library, jackbutt. (Due to parental considerations I've been replacing "ass" with "butt" lately. It works. My kids will grow up swearing in PG.)

At Petsmart Bacon walked off while I was distracted by Burger. ("Nemo!" "MEMO!" Man, that shit never gets old.) Lovely Wife was with Bear in the potty because some butthat had locked the men's room door as they left it. Anyway, I had an odd sensation when I realized that Bacon wasn't rifling through the cat toys anymore. It was a moment of stark terror possibly accompanied by a mild cardiac infarction. Burger got quiet immediately even though I hadn't said a thing. Kids know. Picked up the Burger and quickly (and calmly, I thought) walked down the aisle looking for my dwarven escapee. End of the aisle, no Bacon. Quick the other way to the fish tanks (he loves looking at fish). No Bacon. Very quickly (and no longer calmly) to the front entrance. Lovely Wife had relayed a story about how Bacon and Bear ran out of Walmart while she was at the register. Despite constant instruction Bacon still has no respect for parking lots. Streets, yes. He just refuses to accept that parking lots are just as bad, if not worse. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he had just been hit by a car. There was no other solution. Except that somebody had taken him. He's a good looking kid. And smart. But way too friendly. I need to expose him to some mean people because he doesn't seem to grasp that there are mean people out there. There's people at the entrance. Oh, God. It was a car. Terror hits again just as a familiar voice yells out "Daddy! Want a penny!" And there he is next to the big offering jar for dog and cat shelters. Turns out he found a dime (all coins are still "pennies") and went to put it in the "piggy bank". And he wanted another penny to put in. If I had one I would have given it to him. As it was I took his hand and walked back towards the rest room to meet Lovely Wife and Bear. "MEMO!" Smile. Thanks, Burger.

Watched Without a Trace last night. It's a movie from '83 about a 6 year old kid who goes missing. Definitely dated but well done. I watched about a half hour and then went outside to smoke and read Harry Potter. Lovely Wife called me back in for some back rub action (her back, not mine). Watched another half hour or so then decided it was bedtime. It's almost over, why not finish it? Cause I know that the kid is going to be dead. It wasn't telegraphed in the movie but it didn't have to be. 1983. Kid missing movie. Not a comedy. There was not going to be a happy ending. Scare me with Freddy Kruger and Alien monsters. Keep this real terror away. Don't want it. Probably should have told Lovely Wife about Bacon and Petsmart.

My birthday was pretty cool. I know that birthdays aren't supposed to be special after 25 or so but I still want a fuss made over me. Lovely Wife sent me off with G to see Pirates of the Caribbean. Awesome movie. Best adventure since Indiana Jones. Based on a lowsy Disney ride. Oh, I don't think so. This appears to have had the Disney name slapped onto a previously fantastic screenplay. Don't put it past them. Check out the computer game. A great game with excellent reviews. It should be. It's the successor to a great game that got great reviews. You see, Pirates of the Caribbean the game is actually Sea Dogs 2. Late in the production cycle Disney gave Bethesda Software a bushel of money to put their name on it. I'm pretty sure they did the same thing with an excellently written pirate movie that had nothing to do with any Disney name or property.

Anyway (that's my favorite segue in case you haven't noticed yet), the movie was excellent and I had just as good a time as I ever have had in a movie except once (I don't remember what that other movie was but that's irrelevant because it was the activities of my movie watching partner that made the experience memorable). Got home and the house was festooned with balloons and banners and Bear launched into the Happy Birthday song. There were fudge brownie cupcakes and vanilla ice cream. There were pictures lovingly drawn by the kids that will soon be adorning the walls of my mega cube. There was playing of the Hulk video game as well as Yahtzee. There was much ado about the birthday from Lovely Wife. Life is good.

So, I promised that there was a point here, didn't I? It's a bit of an abstract but essentially it is this: I'm getting older and that's okay. It snuck up on me. I'm still not really ready to be 34 but I seem to be doing a pretty good job of it. I miss things from when I was younger but I find that most of them aren't really that important. Most of them are still here with me if I go looking for them and the ones that aren't recoverable are more than eclipsed by the things that have taken their place.

In other words, I'm going to have to fake my midlife crisis so I can get my sports car.

Posted by: Jim at 11:55 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Experts: Internet Attack Possible

"An alert distributed Thursday among U.S. government agencies warned of 'widespread scanning and exploitation' of victim computers by hackers who were developing 'improved and automated exploit tools.'

Alan Paller of the SANS Institute in Bethesda, Md., said a disruption could be worse by orders of magnitude than previous high-profile attacks -- such as the summer 2001 outbreak of the "Code Red" virus -- because of the numbers of vulnerable systems. "

In typical dumbed down alarmist fashion the article relays the danger in generic terms that relate absolutely no useful information. You see this danger is due to "a flaw in Windows software from Microsoft Corp". What flaw? I guess there's only the one. No need to specify then. Which Windows? There' a freaking dozen flavors in common use now.

Aparently the hackers are going to get control of our computers using their "improved and automated exploit tools." Nothing is said, of course, about what these tools might be or how they could be used or countered.

The biggest fear is "that hackers will quickly unleash automated "worm" software that attacks large numbers of computers within minutes". Ah, yes. The obligatory "worm" that must appear in all articles having to do with the internet, computers and/or technology. Newsies eventually came to realize that "virus" was becoming understood and accepted by the populace at alarge so they have to use "worm" now if they want to be scary. By the way, why is "worm" always in scare quotes?

The attack could come "any day now", it "could be worse by orders of magnitude than previous high-profile attacks" causing a ""significant impact" on the internet". Note the scare quotes around "significant impact". There is a brief note that Microsoft has a security update (they call it a "repairing patch") but no mention of which one they are talking about, who needs to use it or how to get it. The only thing they say about it is that "a large rollout may need to take some time". It's a race against the hackers! Why won't these people hurry up!?

Run away! Run away!

Feh. I hate news.

UPDATE: I just realized that my first fisking was a pointless rant at a local news article. I feel so... so... unfulfilled.

Posted by: Jim at 09:14 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Just busted a gut over The Duel. Funniest if you are late 20's or better.

Worry not, faithful reader(s), this isn't it for the day. There shall be a lovely little humorous anecdotal post later. We'll explore the mysteries of life and masturbation.

Finally got indexed on Google so I'm putting the Google Search back up. If you read this yet do not see the Search that means it still didn't work and I've had a hissy fit and wiped every remnant of its presence off my blog. If you do see it, it should work.

Posted by: Jim at 07:29 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Happy Birthday to you.
You look like a monkey,
and you smell like one too.

That's how it goes, right? I'm trying to recall the birthday traditions of my youth in order to pass them down to the boys. You see, summer is birthday season for our clan. Bear was July 24. Pop is Aug 8. Big Sis is Aug 9. Mom is Aug 10. And today? Well, today is when I officially turn twice as many years old as I was when I graduated high school.

Spooky. I don't feel 34. I certainly don't act it. I mean, 34 is so...adult. Heck, I spent a good chunk of last night playing Wario World on the Newly Restored Ultra Incredibly Cool Nintendo Brand Game Cube! Until I had to stop to rescue Burger from a nightmare and spent a half hour rubbing his tummy and talking him down until he could sleep again. Heck, as soon as I post this I'm going to fire up another game. Probably Medieval: Total War. Until the rugrats wake up, of course. Then I'll go upstairs, wipe butts as necessary, assist as needed with AM tooth cleansing, help the older ones pick out clothes, dress up the little guy, do the 4 dwarfs walk downstairs (Hi ho, hi ho, it's down the stairs we go.), get the breakfasts going, etceteras.

Taking an inventory we have: slowly thinning hair, minivan, "Dad" job, whole life, term life, medical, dental, renters, auto, supplemental life, clean house, 3 kids, Lovely Wife. When Lovely Wife went to New Orleans, G offered to take me to his favorite ballet club. (Ballet club is a Buffalo euphamism for the Canadian Ballet, or strip club.) My response was how about 6 Flags instead?

Damn. I am growing up.

Posted by: Jim at 07:15 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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De caught Snooze Button feva. Venomous Kate bit me (it hurts so good). Who's next? Come on, you know you want me on your blogroll.

I've got De in my own daily reads now but I almost missed her. Thanks to Site Meter I caught referrals coming from her blog and went to check her out. Good stuff. That sort of figures though - If I'm entertaining to her then there's a decent chance she'll be entertaining to me. That goes for all the rest of y'all too. Lemme know if you roll me cause I want to check you out too. (I'm paranoid that way.)

Unrelated but important:

Per Venomous Kate's frighteningly legalesque disclaimer she will no longer be refered to as The Venomous One in these posts. I may, if deemed necessary, continue to misname/describe her as Adorable and/or Callipygian with the knowledge that the party of the first part (once removed, on my Mother's side) (that's me) would then technically be classified as an asswipe, per disclaimer item 1 as set forth postwith and heretofor relayed by said party of the second part (Adorable Callipygian Kate).

Posted by: Jim at 11:12 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Excellent suggestions and hints from Sheila and a very helpful FAQ blog. Bookmark the FAQ and go visit Sheila.

Now!

Posted by: Jim at 09:53 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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>From the Cheddar X. This is even better than an (i)FAQ. Actual questions from other people!

1. What is people's greatest misconception about you?
That I'm whipped. When I answer a "Wanna go/do xxxx" question with "Lemme check with Lovely Wife" I get some sad and pitying looks. Trust me, if I want to go somewhere/do something, it's going to be gone and/or done. I check with Lovely Wife for a couple reasons. Most importantly, I have absolutely zero ability to recall my own committments. This is a malfunction in my brain that has been there since childhood. (On the plus side my haywire wiring allows me to read a list of 5 questions and "write" my responses in my head while editing a support document and simultaneously running regression testing on new software.) I have no idea if I'm already committed to doing/going something/somewhere at the time the question is asked. Second, unless Lovely Wife knows about it I will not be reminded about it so I will not end up going/doing somewhere/something. Lastly, I've got a Lovely Wife and three kids and I'm a committed hubby/daddy. I'm also whipped.

2. What is your most over used expression?
"Could be worse. Could be raining."

3. If they made a movie of your life, who would you want to play you and who do you think would end up playing you?
Want: Tom Hanks. Get: Martin Short

4. If you could have sex with anyone, ever, who would it be?
All of the above. Oh, sorry, that wasn't multiple choice. Catherine Zeta-Jones is the sexiest woman in the world, IMHO, but from what I've read in interviews and the fact that she married Michael Douglas she appears to be seriously "challenged" in the intellect department. That makes Elizabeth Hurley the champ in my bed. Gorgeous, smart, funny, gorgeous and you just know she's a wild lay.

5. What's the best and worst thing you've done for or to your appearance?
Best is dropping 50 odd pounds of lard that I carried around for waaaay too long. Worst was a mullet. Do not comment on the mullet. I know.

6. What's your best physical trait?
My back. I'm vertically challenged so my wide back & big shoulders have been my saving grace. So long as I'm not standing next to another human I look bigger. Plus, looking like a prototypical Irish brawler has allowed me to be an irritating prick without actually having to get my ass kicked.

UPDATE:

I have been informed by G that being whipped is not the the correct answer for #1. The answer should have been that people believe that I am productive and diligent. This is due to the fact that I work quickly and efficiently and never procrastinate. I do that because I am lazy. Very lazy. Lazy with a capital "L". By doing things quickly and efficiently I get them out of the way so I have more time to do nothing. By not procrastinating I prevent the terror inducing situation where I must work because something is due or (horror of horrors) overdue. Do not mistake my work ethic for a desire to actually work.

Posted by: Jim at 08:51 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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