Mark is honorary King of SBD for a day

Just got an extremely helpful email from a reader who has solved my Mozilla display issue. Thanks Mark!

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Ripped From the Footlines

What gems are hiding in the back pages of the Atlanta Journal Constitution? Let's take a peek.

Death math
(6 kids + (1 ATV / 1 Illegal road ride) * 0 helmets) + (1 drunk driver) = .8 kids + 5 charges of vehicular homicide

The online story has been updated so it no longer notes that the ATV was a single person vehicle, that they were illegally on the road or that none of the kids had a helmet. Yes, the driver was the final factor in the deaths but those parents are responsible for letting 6 children and young teens out on the road on an ATV.

Crazy Cats Charge Comely Coeds in Cobb County

I told you cats were evil.

Do looks matter? Atlanta gals say Hell, yeah!

My trucker hat and mesh T-shirt don't matter anymore? Woo hoo!!

Criminal whines that she had to do time

Here's an idea: Don't break the law!
Here's another one: When you break the law and get cited, stop breaking the law!
One more: After you continue to break the law and eventually get in so far over your head that the judge lets you pay your fines in installments, don't break still more laws by skipping your probation meetings!

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Y'allbonics (SBD)

Welcome to Modern English 201. If you are in the wrong class you can find the Modern English 101 class here. Today's instruction includes common translations from the Y'allbonics to Yankee dictionary.

1. HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.

2. HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi! Hire yew?"

3. BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

4. JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and took it to Lanner."

5. BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayam.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."

6. MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

7. THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

8. BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have anutha bare."

9.) IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"

10. RANCH - (noun)- tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

11. ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

12.FAR - (noun) - A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

13. TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

14. TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

15. RETARD - (verb) - To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

16. FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."

17. RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

18. CHEER - (adverb) In this place.
Usage: "Just set that bare rat cheer".

19. FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

20. DID - (adjective) - Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

21. ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas containing oxygen.
Usage: "He cain't breathe ... give 'im some are!"

22. BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

23. JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

24. HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah .... haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."

25. SEED -(verb) - past tense of "to see".
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City". ---

26. VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

27. GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."

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WOW!

This article (Microsoft Rolls Out Beta of XP 64-Bit Edition) almost gets it right but it loses it right here:

WOW64 is an interpreter that lets old programs (the 32-bit ones we use now) run on the new 64-bit Windows operating system. It can't possibly do this without a loss of performance. The loss may be close to negligible but it'll still be there. It's basically like having two people who speak different languages communicating with an interpreter. The archaic and primitive system (pulling a name randomly from the hat we come up with French) says something to the translator (which speaks both languages, we'll call it British) who then repeats it to the advanced system (for the sake of continuity we'll call this one American English) in terms it can understand. The process works the same in reverse. As the following simulation shows, even simple concepts can be difficult to translate and will add processor overhead and performance loss when running French programs (32-bit) on American operating systems (64-bit).

So you can plainly see that although the intended instruction of the 32-bit program was indeed carried out by the 64-bit OS there was quite a bit of overhead added and the end result wasn't quite what the 32-bit program wanted. An update on the 32-bit programs will help them to interface better with the translator and the OS but old 32-bit programs are going to be miffed by the new OS until they truly realize that they are in a 64-bit world and are, in effect, the bitch of the new OS.

UPDATE: If you're curious what the French person said but unable/unwilling to translate it, Ilyka has done the work for you.

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Small overdue stuff

Just a bit of blogmaintenance today. Had played with collapsible lists for the links and it'll just be too difficult to do here on Blogspot.

A big welcome to Tom Bux and Officer Bob, the two newest entries in the blogroll.

The Daily Reads section of the roll has been split up. The new section (Constant Reads) is full of the Dailies that serve with RSS.

Updated the Best of section (finally). Figured the two posts that have resulted in about 10,000 incoming visits should probably be on there. Plus, just for Ilyka, I put links to the poop posts in there.

Of course I can't verify that any of the new links work right now because frikken Blogspot won't serve anything except the default page. I will just cross my fingers and send a prayer to the Blogfairy.

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Let's fix the Presidential Public Financing Program

(Note to my regular readers. This is a serious one. Can you forgive me? I'll get back to humorous stuff, I promise. Garbage like this just really riles me and I must vent or explode.)

Resources

1. Changes to Presidential Financing Eyed, AP article


2. Q&A About the Presidential Public Financing Program, Bush campaign financing watchdog group (partisan group but this Q&A distills the program quite nicely)


3. The Presidential Public Funding Program, Federal Election Commission government site

Background

The Presidential Public Financing Program is funded by taxpayers who check that $3 donation box on their federal tax returns. It does not increase individual tax burden, it simply takes $3 of taxes that would go to the general fund and earmarks them for this program. Participation has declined steadily since the programs inception, falling "from a high of 29 percent in 1981 to less than 12 percent today" (2).

The program was intended to reduce the disproportionate influence of wealthy contributors, reduce the demands of fundraising on candidates and assist candidates who did not have access to large sums of money. The actual program offers matching funds for primary candidates, grants for party Presidential nominating conventions and grants for general election campaigns of major party nominees and partial funding for qualified minor and new party candidates. It also imposes spending limits on campaigns that participate in the program. (3) (emphasis mine).

Step 1: Identify the problems (per the nonpartisan Campaign Finance Institute)(1)

1. "the program's perennial funding shortfalls put it at risk of insolvency by the 2008 election."


2. President Bush has opted out of primary public financing for the 2004 campaign (as he did in 2000). John Kerry and Howard Dean are also considering skipping public financing. This "show[s] the system needs changes to become more attractive to candidates".

Step 2: Propose ways to fix the program (also per the nonpartisan Campaign Finance Institute)(1)

1. Raising the taxpayer checkoff to $5, generating an estimated $122.6 million more for the program.


2. Giving primary candidates a 3-to-1 match for the first $100 of each contribution rather than the current 1-to-1 match for the first $250 of a donation.


3. Raising the primary spending limit to the same amount as the general election, from the current $45 million to about $74 million.


4. Letting a candidate who takes primary public financing spend the same amount as someone who doesn't.


5. Allowing national party committees to spend an additional $15 million on their presumptive nominee's behalf during the spring and summer after the primaries.

Step 3: Bitch slap the 13-member task force of the Campaign Finance Institute that came up with this nonsense Fisk away

Problem 2: Wealthy and well funded candidates are opting out of matching funds for party primaries. Exactly how is this a problem? Say it again. Wealthy and well funded candidates are financing their own primary campaigns. How does this conflict with the stated goals of the program? The only reasonable explanation I can think of is that the Institute wants all candidates under the spending caps to prevent disproportionately robust campaigns from the big name candidates. That would come under campaign reform and is not in the scope of this program.

Fix 1: The main problems with the tax return check box are that people are unfamiliar with the problem. Many people either think this goes to reelect the current president (or party) and/or that it costs them $3. Raising this to $5 might bring in more for the program but not nearly enough as it does not address the central problem of taxpayer misconception. Better education and clearer description/instruction is the answer either in lieu of or in addition to this change.

Fix 2: This will increase the burden on the program by a significant amount. All minor contributions will triple in the amount of matching funds and it will not be difficult for fund raisers to get people to give less to take advantage of the factoring. This is an obvious attempt to make the program more attractive to prospective candidates in support of Problem 2, which is quite simply a bogus problem.

Fix 3: Another massive increase on the program burden to the tune of $19 million per candidate. Of course not all candidates will be able to take advantage of this increase, only the wealthiest and best funded ones. This might indeed attract a Bush, Kerry or Dean in support of bogus Problem 2 but will have a net affect of increasing the disparity between campaings of robust candidates compared to the rest. This would go directly against the premise behind bogus Problem 2, namely the leveling of the campaign playing field.

Fix 4: This one isn't too bad on its face. There is a maximum cap to how much the program will give a candidate so there wouldn't really be any additional exposure to program funds. It simply allows the candidate to spend more than the current limits without giving any more money from the program. Once again, though, this is done in support of bogus Problem 2 - attracting big money candidates to the program. This will allow candidates like Kerry and Dean to join the program, take matching funds and still spend as much as Bush, who is not participating. This does very little except to penalize the first candidate to opt out of the program by denying him the matching funds that will be used by the other big spenders.

Fix 5: Another one in support of bogus Problem 2. This does nothing to the program fund but makes the program itself more attractive to big party candidates.

Summary:

The essential problem is that the Institute task force is trying to morph the Presidential Public Financing Program into a bandaid for campaign reform. Campaign laws need to be changed but this is not the place to do it. By trying to shoehorn campaign control into the program these proposals will greatly increase the burden on the program fund while doing very little to address the absolute and concrete problem of the program's failure of solvency.

Strip off bogus Problem 2 and Fixes 2 through 5. Add educating taxpayers about the real effects of checking that contribution box on their tax returns. That is a viable solution to the real problems facing the Presidential Public Financing Program.

Note:

The Campaign Finance Institute is affiliated with George Washington University in DC and is not a political body. However, the task force members are very influencial in their fields and include "Ohio Secretary of State J. Kenneth Blackwell; William Brock, a former Republican National Committee chairman; Carol Darr, former general counsel to the Democratic National Committee; and Richard Davis, a political consultant and adviser to Sen. John McCain." That last is of particular concern as Senator McCain is a sponsor of new campaign finance law. (1)

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Welcome readers of the Jewish World Review

Joanne is sending 'em my way again, this time from a link in her article at Jewish World Review. Thanks again Joanne!

New visitors please note that the vitriol in some of today's posts is generally reserved for pedophiles and the Miami Dolphins. This is normally a happy place.

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"K" is for...nuts

The letter of the day is "K"? Come on, Kate. "K"? That's way too hard. No letters that are worth more than 3 points in Scrabble!

Okay, besides the obvious one: Kate, Venomous, Queen of Memes.

How about Ku Klux Klan? Kan't believe this krap still goes on.

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It's Poll Gin Time Again!

(Apologies to KISS)

It's about time to retire the SNL poll and put up something fresh. Any suggestions/ideas/bribes?

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Congrats to Ilyka!

If I had to lose at least it was to a woman who appreciates my poop posts. Ilyka has won the New Weblog Showcase that ended yesterday. Next step, Instalanche!

A new contest has opened and there are already a few entries. Go look. Vote by linking to an entry on your own blog. I'm reading 'em but will wait to vote until Thursday or Friday.

It's wierd. I think this is the first week since I've been blogging that I'm not in the contest. The end of an era.

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"O" is for Orgasm

The Letter of the Day is was "O".

"O" is for Orgasm. H had 5 over the weekend. How much do tickets to Sweden cost?

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Who's looking for this stuff?

The things people search for (and apparently find on my blog) continue to amuse and frighten me. Here's the last crop:

• how many fish did the boston tea party kill (Only two but Samuel Adams multiplied them and fed the entire angry mob.)


• rape fantasy (Surprised this didn't also have "highschool football" in the search.)


• Shay's Rebellion lesson plan (No plan is really needed. It's been over for a loooong time. Try one of those "Instant MOB" things - it's the closest you'll get to rebellion these days.)


• female porn stars methods (Screw that. Try "female porn stars addresses".)


• bearded clam synonym (Must. Resist. Too. Many. Female. Readers.)


• interpretation homoerotic dreams (I'm not a psychiatrist but I play one on my blog. Send 'em in, I'll interpret for you.)

UPDATE: I guess I was doing this wrong. H tapped me gently with a clue by four in the comments so this post has been updated to be a lot less dull.

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Why do Scots wear kilts?

'Cause sheep can hear a zipper from 50 yards.

But seriously now, did you know that there is a law on the books in Scotland that prevents a man from marrying the mother of his ex-wife while the ex-wife is alive? Did you know that they really do need that law?

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Joe Theismann is a dirty little whore (SBD)

I can handle the occasional lousy officiating, even when the time crew can't seem to remember to reset the play clock. I can handle a poor performance by the offensive line. I understand that even Drew Bledsoe can have an occasional terrible day. I can even accept that it's nigh on impossible for a mediocre running game to do anything productive against the Dolphin's defense. Philosophically I can even deal with a loss to the hated Miami team. What I can't stand, what makes me sick unto vomiting, is the gushing Theismann led Ricky "Check out my dreads" Williams lurve fest that made up the majority of the "commentary" for yesterday's game.

And what's with those dreadlocks anyway? Is rasta the image of the day? But at least Ricky's got decent looking dreads. It's that half goatee thing he's sporting that pooches the image. Come on Ricky, if you're going for a goat then you need an upper and a lower. You've got some sort of chin rectangle thing going and it just isn't working. Or are you trying to create the "new look"? Some sort of dreadlock-rectangle thing (dreadtangle?). Whatever.

Back to the point of the rant. For those of you who had the good fortune to miss the Bills' humbling performance yesterday evening you may not understand exactly how far Joe Theisman had his head up Ricky's ass. Normally it would not be possible for one person to rectally intrude as far as Joe did but he had help from Mike "I am not Marv Albert" Patrick and Paul "I used to respect myself" Maguire who utilized a shoehorn and KY Jelly, resptectively, to assist in the insertion. Here's a brief transcript:

>From Joe Thiesmann we learned that there is nobody on the Bills that can beat Ricky to the corner, nobody on either team that could take him down with one arm, nobody in the AFC with his lighning speed through a hole and nobody in North America with a larger penis. It would have been tolerable from a Madden or a Gifford because you would at least know that they were sincere about it. Then again neither of those gentlemen would have engaged in such a display because they don't need to. They are both excellent commentators with their own personalities, not obtuse ex-mediocre quarterbacks still riding the most publicized broken leg in media history as if it was some claim to legitimacy. He has to be a gushing simp because he has nothing else to offer.

The post game interview between Theismann and Williams was, if anything, more disgusting than the hours of verbal love Joey had already subjected us to. At least it was shorter.

UPDATE: We discussed Theismann's whoring in detail in our department meeting today (I am quite fortunately surrounded by Miami haters) and it became apparent that Chris Collinsworth is also a man-whore. His infatuation was with the entire Tampa Bay team, not a single player, which makes him an even bigger slut than Theismann.

No, I'm not bitter. Why do you ask?

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It didn't happen

And even if it did, I don't want to talk about it.

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I'm on Fox News!

Sweet!

My post on wrods wtih srcmelabd ltetres bieng radeble has been linked from FOXNews.com.

I'm a journalist!

UPDATE: The article is by the lovely Joanne Jacobs, who has already funneled more than a boatload of visitors to my site from her own blog. "Boatload" being the unit of measurement greater than a "Whole heap" but less than an "Instalanche". She's over there in my suck up section the top referrer section on the left sidebar.

Thanks Joanne!

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What the hey?

What is going on here? 4 votes. 4 votes?

8,000+ visits this week and only 4 people voted for my entry in the New Weblog Showcase? Come on people! I know it has become a sort of tradition for me to enter the Showcase but the last two entries were allowed only because of technicalities. Unless NZ Bear lets everybody back in again because of Isabel interference or something like that this is my very last shot at the coveted trophy.

Don't make me beg. You wouldn't like me when I beg.

Okay, I'm begging. Please, oh please! Please put a link to my entry on your site.

Still no? Well you should just think about something. I know things, you know. Things that could make things rather unpleasant for you. A wise person would probably put a link to my entry on their weblog.

I didn't mean it! It's the pressure. It's just getting to me.

So what will it take then? Money? How much? Does $5 a link sound fair? Okay, it's a deal. Go forth and link me.

Ah, who am I kidding. You know I'm a cheap bastard and would never pay up. How about this, then. You link my entry and I will personally drink a beer in your honor at the barbeque tomorrow. That's fair, isn't it? You get a real world effect for just making a post on your blog. That's a something for nothing deal there, that is. I'll throw in a bonus, too. If I get lots of links that means I'll be lots of drunk. If I win the contest I'll get G to guestblog any stupid stuff that I do.

And go ahead and vote for any of the other contestants at the Showcase. Just don't vote for anybody with more votes than me.

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Googlewackin'

For anybody that doesn't know what Googlewhacking is, it's when you put two real English words into a Google search and it returns one, and only one, website. It's supposed to be pretty difficult but I didn't have a big problem with it. Just pick one very esoteric word (medical terms would work very well) and then match regular words until you get it right. I got a Googlewack on my first try (very lucky) and then again after a couple dozen more.

sanguinous + pimple = Googlewhack
sanguinous + dentifrice = Googlewhack

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Avast me hearties and me beauties!

T'day be Talk Like a Pirate day. I'll be hearin' none o' that lubber speak from ye now. Speak right 'n proper or ye'll be walkin' the plank wi' the rest o' the bilge rats. Do me proud and ye'll be suppin' wi' Captain Smilin' Jim hisself.

In honor o' the day I be presentin' to ye some fine harassment ye can use on the wenches ye see this fine day.

• Ye're a pirate's dream, me beauty. Ye come wi' your own sunken chest!


• Lemme clear the main sail and show ye me mast.


• Let's play nor'easter. I've got th' main mast, ye can blow on it 'til it falls.

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Is it Friday already?

Faster than a hit counter during an Instalanche, more cheesy than those nasty new chips from Nabisco, able to leap clean over the Friday 5 in a single bound, it's the Cheddar X.

1. This one's from Lileks: “Families of terrorists who blow up men, women and children, some of whom are Americans, no longer receive money from Saddam, because Saddam no longer rules Iraq. Is this a good thing, or a bad thing? Explain.”
I'm not so sure that the premise of the question is correct. If Saddam is still alive, as most intelligence sources believe, he isn't hurting for cash. Continuing to funnel money to Exploder Corp would still be a worthwhile venture for him. Keeps the goodwill of the terrorists and sets up a retreat for him if needed. If he can make it to the occupied territories nobody can go in and touch him without being branded as anti-Pal for invading them. To answer the question though - Yes, it is a very good thing. The less support that there is for radical terrorist groups the better it is for all concerned.

2. You've got the Magic Button of Death. Every time you press the button the person you want to kill will die. One other random person will also die. Do you use the button? Who do you whack?
Do you remember that video game Track & Field? The faster you pressed the button the faster your guy would run and there was no upper limit. To get ludicrous high scores you would lace a comb through the fingers of your left hand, rest the edge of the comb on the button and then do an impersonation of the worlds fastest telegraph operator. Now picture me with the Magic Button, a comb and a great big grin. The list of people who need to die for the betterment of mankind is long but Arafat and Hussein would definitely top the list. Former likely targets such as Charles Taylor would be spared to encourage other Evils in Power to step down peacefully.

Okay, daydream is over now. No, I don't think I could actually use the button. It's not because I have any problem with taking the life of a Hussein, Arafat or bin Laden. It's because of the "Monkey's Paw" clause that takes the life of a random person when The Button is used. I know that collateral deaths are a regrettable but inevitable part of targetted strikes. I know that a single casualty to take out these monsters is way better than any real world situation could provide. I also know that taking them out would save dozens, hundreds, even thousands of lives in the future. I just don't think that I could bring myself to take that one random life in order to do it.

Maybe I'd give my button to Rumsfield and then watch for the inevitable signs of carpal tunnel syndrome.

3. You've won a million dollars with the conditions that you can only use it to purchase things for yourself and anything you haven't spent in a month is forfeit. What do you buy?
1983 Porche 911 Turbo Cabriolet, approximately $50,000.
2004 Itasca Horizon, approximately $100,000.
House of my dreams, approximately $300,000 (I have moderate tastes).
Every kick ass widget and geejaw that a geek could have a wet dream over (plasma TVs, PCs from Hell, Bang & Olufsen systems, etc.), probably around $125,000.
Stocks, bonds, gold bars, other assets would make up the remainder.

4. You've won a million free and clear. What do you do with it?
"If I had a million dollars, I would buy you a monkey. Haven't you always wanted a monkey?"

Houses and cars get paid off for Pops, G, Moms, S-Sis and S-Bro. Moms gets a house in Georgia, Lil Bro gets a new piano and coffee maker plus tuition paid (he's hard to shop for). Pay off debts for Lovely Wife & Me. Buy the dream house noted above, new minivan for Lovely Wife, car for me. New PCs for Lovely Wife & myself. Kick Ass tree house/fort/playground for the kids. Great Dane for Lovely Wife. Trip to Hawaii for all of us. The rest goes to savings and investments.

5. What song or band do you listen to when you want to reminisce or visit a moment in your past? What's the moment?
Rough question for me. I pretty much stopped listening to music for enjoyment around a decade ago. I'll occasionally use it for background noise and if somebody else has it on that's cool. I'll even play DJ at a party when the muse strikes me but I can't remember the last time I instigated music for the sake of listening to it. That said, if I happen to hear Led Zeppelin or Nirvana it takes me back to OR Tech school in Oakland. Concrete Blond will bring me back to my days rooming at E's house in Amherst. Hall & Oats puts me way back to my proto-geek days when I first discovered RPGs and video games made their debut.

6. Can you know what someone is like just based on how they look or act without meeting them?
In the absolute sense it's dangerous to assume that you know a person based on their appearance. I myself will most often be found in a moderately ripped t-shirt and threadbare shorts though I'm a far cry from what that would typically indicate. I wear those because they have not yet invented polo shirts and slacks that are as comfortable and I am all about comfortable. In the abstract, yes, you can. Appearances do count and generally speaking you can tell a lot about a person (or the person they are trying to be) by the image they are projecting. If you've got a punk haircut and a chain running between the rings in your eyebrows, nose and chin then I'm going to assume that you're a punk until you prove otherwise. If you show up to work in a skirt suit, delightful perfume, just the right amount of leg showing and a decent amount of heel under your shoe then I'm going to take you seriously and give you the benefit of an assumption of intelligence and class. That's assuming that you're female. If you are a guy dressed like that then I'm going to have an entirely different set of preconceived notions.

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