Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item -- Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price; in the $6-8 range.
 
While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for inexpensive wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I.  She said: "The right name is important."
 
So, with that in mind, here are the top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:
 
12. Chateau Traileur Doublewide
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Wriesling
 
And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine...
 
1. Nasti Spumante

(Hat tip to Dopple-G)

See Top Five for this and much more. Cool site!

Posted by: Jim at 10:06 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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James Lileks asks how to get rid of knives:

A question: how do you get rid of knives? I have three old knives that couldn’t cut through a month old banana, and they’re from a set we no longer use. You can’t throw them out – they poke through the bag and stab the trashman, and I suspect he’s angry at me already. (Every week! I come up with more trash! It never ends!) You can’t drop them in a dumpster.. You can’t drive down by the creek and throw them out the window. Well, you can, and if you roll your window up fast enough you may not hear a jogger shouting SON OF A BITCH! but I don’t advise it.

No, you get knives, youÂ’re stuck.

Knives are easy. You just put them inside old Tupperware. You want to know what is virtually impossible to throw away? A garbage can!

I spent three months trying to throw out a particular garbage can. I ended up cutting it into little pieces with a sawz-all. You just can't discard an essentially intact can. What are you going to do? Put a sign that says "Garbage" on it? Tried that. After you smack yourself in the head you can then try variations like "Please discard", "Take can", "Can is garbage". After a month or so of this stilted speech style note writing you'll tape a veritable letter written in regular English politely requesting that the garbage men please take the can itself. It will be impossible for anybody to misinterpret your intent to discard the can. If they read the note. Which they will not do.

Maybe you could get one of those huge bags they have for Christmas trees. If the can is physically inside a garbage bag that just might do it. Otherwise just chop the bitch up. If it's metal just pound it down into a man-hole cover.

Don't forget to put your old knives in the bottom before you collapse that sucker.

Posted by: Jim at 09:51 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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(Click to donate)

Today is the last full day of fundraising for Spirit of America. The challenge officially ends at midnight PST today. What have we done so far? Take a look at this:

The Froggy Silly Rears: $16334.49
The Victory Coalition: $11713.44
Lagging Alliance: $5880

Almost thirty-four thousand dollars raised and we've still got a day to go!

Things are looking good for a strong finish, too. James Lileks (who made that nifty graphic at the top of this post) has joined the Victory Coalition so the thousands of folks reading his blog will be heading to our donation page. Michele has a new offer. A $10 donation will get you a CD with her favorite songs, personal notes on the songs and a CD cover painted by her artist hubby. There are loads of other offers from other Coalition bloggers at the vBay offer center.

If you haven't donated yet, consider doing it now. If you've got a buck or two to spare, that buck or two can be put to excellent use by Spirit of America. I'm speaking literally here. Just a dollar is a perfectly fine donation if that's what you've got. Don't be shy.

If you've already donated, thank you! How about another one? Just like sex, it's easier and more enjoyable the second time.

Posted by: Jim at 09:08 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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The really big chunks rise to the top.

(Hat tip to Dopple-G)

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(Click for supah size)

(Snagged from Venomous Kate)

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My apologies to my Victory Coalition allies but I've just got to stump for Ilyka today. The poor gal has poured her heart out trying to help her last place team raise money for Spirit of America and nobody has taken her up on her offer. You see, the Liberty Alliance isn't very organized. They don't have anything like our vBay area where all of the fund raising offers from Coalition members are collected in one convenient place. So castigate me as you will but today's begging fundraising post is for Ilyka.

Five Bucks. What can you get for five bucks? You could get a coffee at Starbucks. Or one of those sickeningly sweet confections in a cup that they call coffee. Look here Ms.Barista, when I want a shot in my coffee the bottle it comes out of better say the word "Proof" on it somewhere.

Sorry, got sidetracked there. I have coffee issues.

What else can you get for five bucks? You could get the really big bag of Doritos with the bold hint of guacamole and lime. You could get three hotdogs at your local QT. You could get a banana split at the DQ. You could get the fat bastard sized value meal at McD's.

Damn, I better stop this line...I'm starting to get really hungry.

The point is, you can get a whole lot of tasty stuff almost nothing of any permanent value out of five bucks. What you can get is a feeling of satisfaction and the knowledge that you've helped our guys who are overseas complete special projects that they want to do. All that and one of three valuable prizes from Ilyka herself!

Yes, that's right. For a mere $5 donation to the Spirit of America, Ilyka will do one of three things for you:

1. Write erotic poetry (other poetic stylings available upon request)


2. Let you laud yourself in magnanimous fashion on her own website (ten question interview)


3. Give you a personal full size tarot card reading (I think it's full size - it's 10 cards anyway). If you choose this option your donation is 100% refundable if all of the things she predicts don't come true by the time you've died.

It is incredibly easy to get these wonderful prizes. Just click on this image and donate at least $5:

(click to donate)

A few minutes after you donate you will get an email reply from Spirit of America. Forward that to Ilyka at ilyka[insert at-symbol here]ilyka.mu.nu and let her know which reward tickles your fancy.

Hey, donate $15 and get all three!!

Thank you for your support!

Posted by: Jim at 09:16 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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This is a neat little game. See how many hedgehogs you can run over get to safety in two minutes.

(Hat tip to Lovely Wife)

Posted by: Jim at 08:47 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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This disjointed stream of my consciousness courtesy of Ilyka who's recognition of my brilliance far exceeds my own. Slightly edited for comprehensibility.

Master and Commander was decent. Russel Crowe was wasted [in the role]. Movie sucked compared to Horatio Hornblower movies.

Putting on Matrix III. Out of beer. Moving to wine.

Pray for me.

(almost wrote "prey for me". is that prophetic or what?)

Bad...very oh so bad...failing...wasn't wine...it was...PINK CHAMPAGNE!!!

Neo...want him to die so the movie will end...how much time left? Oh, Lord no!

Where is Trinity in leather?

Vinyl even?

What the fuck? Link is some sort of major character?

Oh the humanity! All the cool characters suck now! ALL OF THEM!

Even Mr.Smith!!

I cry softly into my chapagne...

More later...if possible...

My kingdom for a homicidal albino

[fade to black]

Warning to Roger Ebert: Jimmy's in the house!

Posted by: Jim at 03:01 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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If so, get yer arse over to American Digest pronto. Gerard is auctioning off 8 hours of line editing / feedback / workshop / you name it. Gerard has 30 years of experience with authors like Steve King, R. Crumb, Harlan Ellison, Andre Dubus, and Robert Fulghum. He has edited magazines like Earth Magazine, Viva Magazine, Omni Magazine and Penthouse (so he'll even do your amateur porn!). He's an accomplished author in his own right as well as a ghost author for others.

This is a $1600 plus value and bidding starts at only $200. If you have a dream of becoming a professional author you need this. This is like skipping the first three tiers of interference and getting right to the person who makes your work work correctly. And he'll tell you what doesn't work and help you to fix it, too!

Oh, would you look at that...I got so excited about the auction I forgot to mention that it's for the Spirit of America! Yup, Gerard is auctioning off 8 hours of his life to help the Victory Coalition raise money. Is that awesome or what?

So get over there and toss on a bid.

Posted by: Jim at 12:37 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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(Click to donate)

My short story auction has ended and will be adding $200 to the Victory Coalition's tally. Thanks, Kevin M! There are many other offers being extended by Victory Coalition members. Take a look at Kevin's VBAY post where they're listed out for you nicely.

As far as I can tell, you can travel across America without spending a buck on food. You don't even have to donate cash to raise money. Just ask Michele questions and Michele and funds matchers will donate cash. Or how about a 64MB USB drive for a $10 donation? And there are loads more offers.

The Victory Coalition is the place to donate through, that's for sure!

Posted by: Jim at 10:00 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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The 21st Bestofme Symphony Simpsony is up at The Owner's Manual. Gary's made this one a tribute to our favorite dysfunctional cartoon family.

Hosting: Would you like to host the Symphony? Send me a note and I'll get you on the schedule.

Submit to the Symphony: Want to be a part of next week's edition? Check out this post for submission help. Entries should always be sent to bestofme@jpeacock.net regardless of who the Symphony host is.

Spread the word: Webloggers, how about some linky love? Gary would appreciate it and just think of the grand service it would be to your readers.

Email Reminders: If you'd like to be sent a reminder about the Symphony, join the mailing list. There's one email sent on Thursday or Friday to remind you to submit for the next Symphony and one on Monday with the location of the newly posted Symphony.

Posted by: Jim at 09:11 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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(Click to donate)

How can you help the Spirit of America?

1. Click on that banner up above and donate some pocket change. That $5 latte you might enjoy for an hour or so. Send it to Spirit of America and it'll be helping something permanent.


2. Head over to the Victory Coalition's HQ and get your blog on the side of goodness and all that is right.


3. Spread the word about the Spirit of America challenge. Let your readers, friends, co-workers, gang members, etceteras know how easy it is to help out.


4. Bid for a custom crafted short story in the comments of this post (details immediately below)

Fundraising Auction

I am offering up for auction a custom short story. The winner of the auction will be able to specify whatever characters he/she wishes, and a general tone for the story (comedy, drama, tragedy, etc). Specifics such as location, etc may also be listed but don't get too detailed - I need a little room to work my magic.

See the short stories list in my sidebar for examples of the fabulousness that is me.

This auction will run the same way the other fundraising auctions are running. Bid in the comments of this very post. (Keep the increment at an even dollar amount please, no silly stuff like a two penny raise.) Monday morning I'll stop the bidding and name the winner. That person will then make a donation in the bidded amount to the Spirit of America through the Victory Coalition link above and send me their confirmation from SOA.

Delivery of the story will be via post in this weblog and will take a couple of days to write (hey, this ain't gonna be no simple post ya know). It'll be complete with massive linky love and fantastic amounts of gratuitous thanks. Maybe even a shot of my nipple if that'll help drive up the price.

Any questions, ask away.

Auction starts now! Go!

UPDATE: The auction is over. My thanks to the bidders!

Posted by: Jim at 06:00 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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It's time to get those submission in for the Bestofme Symphony. Send them to bestofme@jpeacock.net and they'll be in Monday's edition at The Owners Manual.

The only requirements are that you think the post is good and that it be at least 2 months old. It doesn't even have to be from your own blog. It just can't get any simpler!

The basics of the Bestofme Symphony.
Want to host a Symphony?
Get reminder emails.

Posted by: Jim at 03:31 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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On April 2 I put up a Petition Online petition for moderate Muslims to show that they are against terrorism. Three full weeks later there is a single signature.

A lot of people would see this as discouraging. One person in twenty-one days is not a fantastic average after all. A lot of people would question just why it is that there aren't more signatures on something so intrinsically correct. I mean there are tens of thousands of signatures on petitions to "save Michael Jackson". There are way more Muslims than MJ fans in the US and terrorism is a far more important topic than whether Mike dribbled Jesus Juice on his youthful guests.

I'm not discouraged. Even though it's only one signature, it IS a signature. A person who has enough faith in his humanity to speak it regardless of what his religious guides seem to be saying.

I want to personally thank Khalifa Al-Boinin for signing the petition against terrorism. I hope you will soon be joined by others that share your faith and convictions. If not, I'm still very happy that you made the choice to make your feelings known. (And if you are a female, my apologies for the gender errors. No insult intended, I'm just unfamiliar with Arabic naming conventions.)

Posted by: Jim at 02:23 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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This is how the cookie crumbles. Please read it carefully. Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand. Suppose that every day, ten men go out for dinner. The bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh $7.
The eighth $12.
The ninth $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve.

"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20." So, now dinner for the ten only cost $80. The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So, the first four men were unaffected. They would still eat for free. But what about the other six, the paying customers? How could they divvy up the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share'? more...

Posted by: Jim at 01:53 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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Just north of Taccoa is the little town of Lavonia. This is one of those little places where the town square is occupied by the Mason's building and the gun store. Where the supermarket is called "Lavonia Food". Where the roadside food includes "Latino's" (it was their grand opening) and a nameless shack proudly featuring "Meat Stew and Sandwiches!" (If you have to ask what kind of meat, you can't afford to eat it.) Just outside of Lavonia is Lake Hartwell. Unlike many bodies of water in Georgia that are somewhat less than advertised (see "Yellow River", which I have personally stepped - not hopped - over), Lake Hartwell is of a significant size to actually be called a Lake even by a hard to please ex-Great Lakes Yankee like myself. Lake Hartwell is the focus of our story.

I took the boys up to Lake Hartwell for the weekend. "All three?!" you exclaim in sympathetic fright. Yes, all three. "When you say 'I took' do you mean that Lovely Wife did not accompany you?!" you further interrogate me. That is precisely what I meant. No Lovely Wife in attendance. And please calm down, you're getting me terribly excited with all of those exclamations. more...

Posted by: Jim at 04:33 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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Warning: This post is

But now I'm thinking about the phrase itself. "I don't give a flying fuck." That's pretty freaking vulgar, right? I mean, it's got the most commonplace and pedantic cuss word in the world in there, plus flying. Okay, so it's not as vulgar as it appears at first. Still, it's a pretty potent exclamation of disdain. The Allwords dictionary defines the idiom as Not to care about something; not to give a damn about something.

But why? I mean...it depends upon a "flying fuck" being something so worthless and inconsequential that the target of the phrase is practically nonexistent by comparison. It's along the same lines as "I wouldn't give a plugged nickel", if you see what I mean. So a flying fuck has to be roughly equivalent to a plugged nickel in value (that is, completely worthless, bordering on being a burden) to pull off this phrase.

So what exactly is a flying fuck? After a bit of research I've discovered that it is sex on horseback. Sex on horseback, y'all! The etymology of the phrase indicates that it originates with this (not work safe) broadside ballad entitled "New Feats of Horsemanship".

Okay, y'all need to help me out now. I don't get it. That looks pretty freaking cool to me! Any dissenters? Any chicks out there who think that riding the stallion while riding a stallion is of completely negligible value? Any guys out there who think riding in the saddle while riding on the saddle is a totally worthless experience? Hell no! I'm putting this shit on my list of things to do before I croak.

So this phrase is now ruined for me forevermore because I can never leave well enough alone. For me English is a scab that must be constantly picked.

(But at least I've got that broadside ballad now. Anybody know the tune to go along with it?)

Posted by: Jim at 02:23 PM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
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Click for supah size pictures.

Redneck

Good ol'Boy

(This post is going to come up in therapy sessions when they are teens.)

Posted by: Jim at 09:22 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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Just like the Victory Coalition. That's right, I'm begging like a sweet sixteener getting eaten out for the very first time. Don't stop! Please! Keep going! Oh, YEAH!! Donate, baby, donate.

As expected, the Libertians have been left in the dust but the Aarrghinians found a clue somewhere and have jumped to an early lead. Just like forest fires, only you can stop them. (Hint: Do it by clicking on that picture at the top of this post and following along with the donation instructions.)

Posted by: Jim at 08:45 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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I'm just busier than a co-op cashier on food stamp day. I've got two actual story-type posts brewing but will get a maximum of one out today. Let me know if you'd rather hear about my camping expedition with all three boys (and no Lovely Wife) over the weekend or yesterday's adventures in jury duty.

While y'all are waiting for actual content here, head on over to Spirit of America and toss em a buck or two. Every little bit helps our Marines overseas to make a difference through projects that THEY personally started.

Posted by: Jim at 08:38 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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