December 16, 2005
The worst Christmas party. Ever.
Last night I found this true story about the worst Christmas party I ever attended. In the end I triumphed. Sort of. It was dated December 2003 and IÂ’ve no idea if I ever posted it or not. Reflecting back on those days, a case could certainly be made that I was an asshole.
more...
Posted by: Pixy Misa at
09:30 AM
| Comments (6)
| Add Comment
Post contains 967 words, total size 6 kb.
1
While the fudge packing may have been excessive they had definitely earned some sort of retaliation for breaking the first maxim of parties:
Don't invite beer buddies to a wine tasting.
Posted by: Jim at December 16, 2005 10:33 AM (tyQ8y)
2
I can't believe I missed this bit. Especially when I mentioned the term in my own comment.
Paul, you just admitted in this story that you are an unrepentant fudge packer.
Posted by: Jim at December 16, 2005 12:47 PM (tyQ8y)
3
Fudge-packing... that is too hilarious. Of course, you know that someone (such as myself) will find a way to make this happen in my own life... I love a good prank that can't backfire on me.
Posted by: Wendy at December 16, 2005 01:09 PM (8RKIo)
4
Damn it.
I'm dyin' over here.
Of course now I'll probably get fired shortly after the Christmas party.
Posted by: phin at December 16, 2005 02:48 PM (Xvpen)
5
I remember that story from the old Sanity's Edge days. I coulda swore it ended with someone getting a sprinkler enema in the front yard though. Then again, maybe not.
Posted by: shank at December 16, 2005 05:12 PM (jfEhX)
6
Yeah, that's one of my favs too Paul. Not to say you don't have any new stories, but your old stories hold up to multiple iterations.
I was at a party very similar to this one at a New York style mansion (big pad) downtown. You could really feel that no one actually cared at all about the other person standing next to them. It needed somebody to act like a moron to get the party really going. If it would have been my office party I would have been all over it.
Posted by: Oorgo at December 16, 2005 06:46 PM (lM0qs)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
December 15, 2005
You can try to caption thisÂ…
”White House Hosts American Proctology Association”
But youÂ’ll never beat mine.
Posted by: Pixy Misa at
04:05 PM
| Comments (12)
| Add Comment
Post contains 23 words, total size 1 kb.
1
Speilberg's additional revisions to
ET, The Super Director's Cut Extended Version correct what, in the director's words, were "Massive problems with the original cast including an unsympathetic protagonist and the lack of a strong female lead character".
Posted by: Jim at December 15, 2005 04:19 PM (tyQ8y)
2
Well, maybe I can come up with one or two:
GWB: "Now Jenna, how many times has daddy told you to wash your hands before dinner?"
Or equally equal-
Always inquisitive, Bush asks to sniff the finger that pokes. Why? 'Because I'm the most powerful man in the free world...Bitch! Hahahaha!'
Or maybe even-
Not only is Daily Kos's only female contributor a woman, but she's always up Bush's ass. Thanks for taking a hit for the team Marge!
And while we're at it-
G-dub: "See, she's showing number one, but we all know that's a number two. heh heh heh."
Meanwhile, back at the ranch-
shank: "I don't care if she's got poo on her finger, I'd still hit it."
Posted by: shank at December 15, 2005 08:42 PM (jfEhX)
Posted by: Tiffani at December 16, 2005 10:12 AM (KE4Gu)
4
Hmmmm.....Yes. Points will be awarded.
Posted by: Paul at December 16, 2005 10:14 AM (vbP6L)
5
"ok...now, that was the first part of the Dirty Sanchez let me show you the next"
Posted by: Tiffani at December 16, 2005 10:30 AM (KE4Gu)
6
"Gimme a hit off your purple stick'"
"Lemme see that for a sec, I haven't had my brown sugah for the mornin"
Posted by: Oorgo at December 16, 2005 11:32 AM (lM0qs)
7
Tiffani will do anything for points.
Posted by: Victor at December 16, 2005 11:32 AM (L3qPK)
8
And that Mister President is the last time I'll demonstrate the reverse technique for
the Shocker!
Posted by: phin at December 16, 2005 01:21 PM (Xvpen)
9
GDub:
You want to know why she's my proctologist? She's got small fingers!
Posted by: phin at December 16, 2005 01:24 PM (Xvpen)
10
I know I am a points whore. I'm not ashamed!
Posted by: Tiffani at December 16, 2005 01:50 PM (KE4Gu)
11
I'm a dirty little points whore too!
Posted by: phin at December 16, 2005 02:52 PM (Xvpen)
12
Hey Paul. You putting out points for this one? The season is close to ending.
Posted by: Jim at December 21, 2005 08:40 AM (tyQ8y)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
December 14, 2005
I never would have guessed

Recognize this guy?
more...
Posted by: Pixy Misa at
12:22 PM
| Comments (2)
| Add Comment
Post contains 87 words, total size 1 kb.
1
Wow. I recognized the OBE, but not the man behind it.
Posted by: Victor at December 14, 2005 02:46 PM (L3qPK)
2
I'll be damned. Never would have guessed in a million years.
Posted by: diamond dave at December 14, 2005 04:34 PM (dUpW1)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
Sin taxes don't go nearly far enough
California is looking to take the
cigarette tax crown from Rhode Island. Rhode Island, at $2.46, currently has the highest per pack tax in the nation. A ballot measure in the land of nuts and money would raise California's per pack tax to $3.47.
Funds raised would be earmarked for health initiatives:
"It distributes the funds in a well-thought-out and comprehensive array of health programs that will make a frontal assault on the major diseases and causes of death in California, maintain and expand access to health care, and improve the health of all Californians," said Jim Knox, vice president of the American Cancer Society, one of the measure's sponsors.
Well hot damn, what a great idea. Cigarettes are bad for you, right? So the gub'mint puts an onerous tax on them and applies these gains to addressing health problems. As a side benefit they drive down the sales of the offending product and hopefully, in time, drive the offending companies out of business. Sweet.
more...
Posted by: Jim at
08:24 AM
| Comments (9)
| Add Comment
Post contains 658 words, total size 4 kb.
1
It might be sarcasm and/or satire Jimmy-me-boyo, but I think extremists and the far lefties will read your post and know that you mean it in jest but all the while think that what you have to say here has serious merit.
Not only that, some might go as far as to say that the plan isn't really a leftist agenda since it uses market forces to control behavior. You and I both see that argument for the crock that it is... taxing a behavior out of existence is not a market force, but government control of behavior, which is to be avoided.
I'm just sayin'... be careful what you write here. Don't be surprised if some moonbat doesn't spout this word for word in some state legislature as a good idea.... and if that happens, how will you live with yourself?
Posted by: Dopple-G at December 14, 2005 02:15 PM (IOwam)
Posted by: The Brat at December 14, 2005 02:45 PM (oqu5j)
3
I saw elsewhere on your blog that you wanted to form a political party called "Nationalist Party of America"- Sorry, but we already exist. You can join us if you wish...
Jess David Peterson
Founder, Nationalist Party, U.S.A.
We've been around since 1998:
Go Here: http://www.nationalistpartyusa.org/
Posted by: Jess David Peterson at December 15, 2005 01:25 AM (x8QMt)
4
Sorry about the confusion, Mr. Peterson. I meant nationalism as in "for the nation", not like "racist bastard motherfuckers".
Posted by: Jim at December 15, 2005 05:19 AM (oqu5j)
5
I'm glad you cleared that up!
Posted by: Paul at December 15, 2005 08:16 AM (vbP6L)
6
"Racist bastard motherfuckers"? You're too kind, Jim. I thought they preferred to get carnal with pigs, goats, sheep, rats, little old nursing-home ladies, and various other farm animals and wildlife.
Posted by: diamond dave at December 15, 2005 04:51 PM (yQsq1)
7
That's one of my failings, Dave. I'm far, far too kind. It's because I have such a gentle soul.
Posted by: Jim at December 15, 2005 04:58 PM (tyQ8y)
8
You let that no good motherfucker spam you??
Let me organize a little return-spam Mafia for that fuckshit.
Posted by: The Brat at December 15, 2005 06:09 PM (oqu5j)
9
return-spam Mafia
Say that five times fast. Oh, that's a good one!
Posted by: Jim at December 15, 2005 07:15 PM (oqu5j)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
Use Your Illusion
more...
Posted by: shank at
01:40 AM
| Comments (2)
| Add Comment
Post contains 346 words, total size 2 kb.
1
There is one "free" thing. Celery. It's some biologically non-impacting shit. We're talking Braveheart, screaming "Free!" as they slice open your guts free. Free Grande!
In fact, as far as your body is concerned it's better than free. It's free with a side of fries. Free plus. Celery lets you bank interest against all of the other crap you do that screws your body up.
I think that if you could consume an infinite amount of celery you would be effectively immortal.
Posted by: Jim at December 14, 2005 05:20 AM (oqu5j)
2
Lance just plain got lucky. And just for the sake of clarification, the tour is what ultimately cost him his wife - she stuck by him during the cancer and they had kiddies after his recovery (frozen yogurt from before the recovery, donchaknow!) Anyway, from what I read, she ditched him when he wouldn't give up the tour. And now he's bangin' Cheryl Crow. Not a bad deal (As long as you can keep her political mouth shut).
Posted by: Clancy at December 15, 2005 04:58 PM (JxYJc)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
December 13, 2005
Since I've come this far...

By request.
I can't lie around in silk boxers every day.
Posted by: Pixy Misa at
07:43 PM
| Comments (11)
| Add Comment
Post contains 21 words, total size 1 kb.
1
Alrighty then, since were fully immersed in your embarrasing house attire, I expect the story of how a pair of such hideous pantaloons came into your possession.
Yes, pantaloons. If any article of clothing ever deserved a pansy name like pantaloons, it would be those things.
Posted by: shank at December 13, 2005 07:46 PM (jfEhX)
2
I don't actually
sleep in them.
Posted by: Paul at December 13, 2005 07:51 PM (fz+XU)
3
A while back I had my appendix out. As I was recovering I was taking a shitload of prescription pills for the pain.
Now fast forward a year. One day IÂ’m looking in my closet for a pair sweats and I see these things lying there on a shelf. I had never seen them before in my life. Naturally, I grab them, go find the old lady and give them to her.
“Are these yours?”
“No, they’re yours.”
“Where the hell did they come from?”
“You don’t remember?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“When you were in the hospital your mother flew down to see you.”
“I remember that.”
“She gave these to you.”
“I have no memory of that.”
“Well, you must have been flying pretty high because you wore them every day for a week.”
She swears itÂ’s true, but I have no memory of getting or wearing these hideous things. Now they're my house pants.
And not for nothing, but I look pretty fucking good in them.
Posted by: Paul at December 13, 2005 08:03 PM (fz+XU)
4
Now that's sad. If they were Spidey, or Batman, they'd be okay. But Snoopy?
Grow a pair, man!
LOL
Posted by: jenE at December 13, 2005 08:08 PM (K0Tmz)
5
Ummm Paul?
If you wear those outside to get a bottle. I"LL do what ever you want.
That's priceless. Or tasteless take your pick.
Posted by: Tiffani at December 14, 2005 09:04 AM (KE4Gu)
6
Back off Tiffani. I've got it taken care of. Thanks anyway.
Posted by: Quality Lady at December 14, 2005 10:29 AM (jmktO)
Posted by: Tiffani at December 14, 2005 12:00 PM (KE4Gu)
8
Thank you for honoring my request. You are the best - now I can really laugh my ass off at the fact that you didn't take your wife up on that sweet deal... dang! You are a wimp.

(Said in only the nicest way, of course)
See, though you generally understood the context, you may not have understood that she was serious... but you know her better than I do.

Did you try anything when you got home??
Posted by: Wendy at December 14, 2005 12:20 PM (8RKIo)
9
I am officially turned on.
Posted by: DeAnna at December 14, 2005 12:57 PM (IdVP4)
Posted by: Victor at December 14, 2005 02:48 PM (L3qPK)
11
What has become of our Paul? First you ask for a new BMW then this? My husband came home with a new SUV one day and I didn't even blink. I'm sure you do look all hot in them but for God's sake man, go to Old Navy and get some manly jammy pants for 14.99. If you are still wanting to live on the edge, there are some red ones with gingerbread men on them.
Posted by: Jackie at December 14, 2005 08:40 PM (iErNK)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
CONFIRMED: I am a wimp
Early yesterday evening I realized I was completely out of scotch. My wife was out Christmas shopping so I called her to ask if she would be kind enough to make a stop on the way home. She didnÂ’t answer her cell phone. Since I was already undressed I was dreading the thought of having to go out and procure my own liquor.
At 6:30 PM she walked through the door, arms full of purchases. And I mean loaded down with bags full of stuff. I had two important questions to ask:
1. Will you please go buy me some scotch?
2. What the hell are you using for money?
I didnÂ’t want to know the answer to number two so I asked about the scotch.
“I’ve just completed the Christmas shopping. It’s done. Finished. Without you going anywhere, do anything or even offering suggestions. Tonight completes a week long endeavor and I’m not going back out. Go get the rest of the shit from the car.”
I couldnÂ’t really argue. I contributed nothing this year except the cash and I expect that ran out earlier in the week.
Then she added, “I’ll make you a deal.”
“What kind of deal?”
She pointed at me. “If you go to the liquor store dressed like that, I’ll do anything you want.”
I looked down at myself. I was wearing Snoopy pajama bottoms. Goofy looking, sky blue, ankle length pajama bottoms. Snoopy was printed all over them, wearing a nightcap and carrying a candle. I hate peanuts and I hate SnoopyÂ…the origin of the things are another story.
To compliment the bottoms, I was wearing a wife beater and a pair of sad old slippers. IÂ’m a pretty big guy (not fat) and I looked like a real asshole.
“What do you mean you’ll do anything I want?”
“Whatever weird, perverted, sexual thing that you’ve ever wanted but were afraid to ask for, I’ll do it. All you need to do is go to the liquor store dressed like that. Exactly like that. You can’t take the slippers off.”
I walked into the bedroom and put on some jeans. There was no way I was going out looking like that. Not to the liquor store I go to. I guess that makes me a wimp. ThatÂ’s what I felt like. But you know, I really couldnÂ’t think of anything that perverted we hadnÂ’t already done. In hindsight, what I should have done was asked her to throw something out there on the table. I can't believe I let that get by me. Christ, IÂ’m slipping.
Posted by: Pixy Misa at
09:40 AM
| Comments (10)
| Add Comment
Post contains 443 words, total size 2 kb.
1
I'm ashamed of you Paul. ASHAMED!
Posted by: DeAnna at December 13, 2005 12:10 PM (IdVP4)
2
Snoopy pajama bottoms? My fantasies have been shattered.
Posted by: Jennifer at December 13, 2005 12:12 PM (8/Edo)
3
Foof! Man, you way blew it. I could have thought of 100 things that you would have loved that she might not be willing to do...
And you didn't even post a pic of the hideous pj's that you hate so much! What a wimp.
Posted by: Wendy at December 13, 2005 12:13 PM (8RKIo)
4
I hope you bought the half gallon; because odds are, if you drink the entire thing in one sitting, you'll find your balls at the bottom, keeping your dick and your sex drive company.
Posted by: shank at December 13, 2005 06:50 PM (jfEhX)
Posted by: Ted at December 13, 2005 07:30 PM (+OVgL)
6
Once in each husband's life there comes an opportunity where his wife will unconciously create a situation where she must allow a threesome and will do so in such a way that she is the tacit initiator, thereby absolving said husband of all culpability in the illicit act.
You missed yours.
Posted by: Jim at December 13, 2005 10:38 PM (oqu5j)
7
Why didn't you ask us for suggestions, Paul?
Posted by: Simon at December 14, 2005 01:35 AM (FUPxT)
8
You know, it's not like it was gonna happen right then with the kid there and all. We've done it all before man, it was just to get me out in my jammies.
When you're actually having good sex often, the offer of more just ain't a big deal. It's not like it ain't coming anyway.
And I ruined a perfectly good relationship in the past with threesomes. It's best to get that over with when you're too young to really care about potential emotional consequences.
Posted by: Paul at December 14, 2005 08:18 AM (vbP6L)
9
Yes, but with this threesome there could've been two females involved, thus eliminating the feelings of inadequacy.*
You couldÂ’ve always asked for a rain check on the act. Then the next time you're out of Scotch. All you gots to say is get steppin'...
Posted by: phin at December 14, 2005 09:02 AM (Xvpen)
10
Phin makes a good point. Take a raincheck and redeem it later for something like painting the house or repaving the driveway or picking up the dog poop in the backyard instead.
Posted by: Victor at December 14, 2005 10:13 AM (L3qPK)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
December 12, 2005
On Giving Bad Advice
At work, we have an administrative resident. It's basically a position for folks who've just completed gradschool; they work closely with senior leadership on various projects. Similar to an internship, but it lasts for a year and it pays.
So anyways, the resident and I work close, and she kind of identifies with me since we're the same age and all that. She asks me for advice sometimes, since I'm a little more familiar with the unspoken mores of the organization. Today, she came to me complaining about this specific AA who's notorious for trying to throw people under the bus. She's always handing off challenging work to others, playing stupid, and yet somehow manages to enjoy decent job security. I hate this bitch, because she's tried to dump on me several times right in front of her direct report, one of the VP's.
So the resident's like "You're never gonna believe what happened today."
"Shoot."
"The bus driver is making me take minutes at the senior leadership meeting."
"She's not the bus driver, she's the person throwing you in front of the bus. And she shouldn't be making you do a goddamn thing, since she's not superior to you."
"Whatever. She said 'The residents used to do this, but I've been doing it for the past few years. I don't know why, but I'm giving it to you.'"
"Horseshit. The reason the residents quit doing it was probably because it was a waste of their fucking time as future CEO's and shit to take minutes."
"I know."
"So what the fuck does that bitch do for a living now? Answer the phone for 40k/year and full benefits?"
"I know."
"So did you tell her to fuck off?"
"No! Dude, I'm trying to get a job offer out of this gig."
"Well, you fucked yourself. You should always have a busy response."
"A busy response?"
"Yeah. As soon as you realize this bitch is trying to throw you in front of the bus, or get you to do her goddamn job for her that she's been doing for the past few fucking years; you cut her off mid-sentance with your busy response. Like so: 'Yeah look Helen I've got (list several projects here, make some up) the labor reqs to take care of, supply budgets for sixteen units, PAF's to clean up, operational budget variances are stacking up on my desk, and next week the VP of (any department will do, except the one the bitch works in) Strategy and I are presenting some AD/C data to the CEO. Just can't do it. Hey, would you mind chucking something in the interoffice mail for me?'"
"Wow."
"Works everytime. But be sure that what she's actually asking you to do is horseshit. As a matter of fact, you need to get a job offer somewhere else, just so you can someday bask in the pure pleasure of telling her she's full of horseshit."
"Dude. You're the man."
"Fuck, you're the one who got the residency. Now get out there and administrate."
That's me. Fostering educational growth and career expansion. GO TEAM!
Posted by: shank at
08:19 PM
| Comments (1)
| Add Comment
Post contains 528 words, total size 3 kb.
1
"Busdriver". I like that. I know it doesn't fit but it's got a certain ring to it.
Posted by: Jim at December 14, 2005 05:10 AM (oqu5j)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
December 11, 2005
He's Back Again

Just finished putting the Christmas decorations up!
Posted by: Pixy Misa at
07:56 PM
| Comments (6)
| Add Comment
Post contains 13 words, total size 1 kb.
1
Mister Hankie the Christmas-poo,he loves me and I love you......
Posted by: The Brat at December 11, 2005 10:15 PM (oqu5j)
2
Sweet. I've gotta get me one of those.
Posted by: Jim at December 12, 2005 06:56 AM (oqu5j)
3
You put your Christmas decorations up? Up
what, for cryin' out loud?
Posted by: Victor at December 12, 2005 08:08 AM (L3qPK)
4
Up on top of the toilet, where else?
When Mr. Hankie's on top of the shitter, you
know it's Christmas time.
Posted by: Paul at December 12, 2005 08:40 AM (vbP6L)
5
At least he isn't floating in your coffee.
Posted by: oddybobo at December 12, 2005 06:38 PM (6Gm0j)
6
Mr. Floatie looks much better with a Christmas hat on.
Posted by: CanuckFlash at December 13, 2005 02:25 PM (SVlYg)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
December 09, 2005
Spreading a Little Sunshine
I really appreciated the emails, trivial as they might seem. Today, I'm in an unsually good humor; probably because of all that light beer I drank last night. Turned me into a right pussy I'd imagine. At any rate, I decided to make a note of the folks who sent me Friday Greetings, and say a nice little blurb about them. I figure it's a nice thing to do (see! Unusually good humor. Odd), plus my blogging consultant once told me that "everyone likes to see their name in lights". Yes, I have a blogging consultant. I didn't develop from 20six.co.uk to SBD in a year because I'm charming (obviously), it's just good management.
Victor - Vic really loves rats. Granted, rats may seem a little grody to some of you, but a life without passion is no life at all. Besides, anyone who can set aside the social stigma and love the hell out of some rats probably ain't a bullshitter; and as Martha would say "That's a good thing." Now get over to his site and help him win a bucket of Iowa crap.
Tiffani - Tiffani is probably a hottie. With a name like Tiffani you just can't go wrong. Additionally, Tiffani leaves her work email attached to her comments, plus she puts her work signature at the bottom of her emails. Tiffani is an unabashed office blogger. A hot, (possibly) well-dressed, office blogger. I'd hit it.
Posted by: shank at
04:29 PM
| Comments (5)
| Add Comment
Post contains 248 words, total size 2 kb.
1
The female version of "I'd hit it": "I'd suck it"
It's, like, so fetch.
Posted by: youngers at December 10, 2005 12:29 AM (IePow)
2
Damn skippy. If you think my picture with the cow is interesting you should see the one with Tiffani and a rooster!
Posted by: Jim at December 10, 2005 01:53 PM (oqu5j)
3
Only two people? Sheesh.
Posted by: Victor at December 12, 2005 08:21 AM (L3qPK)
4
Oh, and it's not a picture of Tiffani with a rooster. It's a picture of Tiffani strokin' someone's chicken.
Posted by: Victor at December 12, 2005 08:22 AM (L3qPK)
5
I admit it. I am an office blogger. I need help.
It's not a chicken. It's not a rooster. It's a cock. Get it right.
Wanna see?
Posted by: Tiffani at December 12, 2005 10:23 AM (KE4Gu)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
RIP, All Things Fun
IÂ’m old enough to remember when office Christmas parties were actually fun. Most people would get themselves all liquored up and do incredibly stupid things. Like make out with coworkers, vomit in front of the VPs and blurt out inappropriate comments about all kinds of stuff they'd later reget. Unfortunately,
those days are over.
“Gone are the nights of photocopying one's bare buttocks, groping interns and hauling home a gift bag full of goodies.”
more...
Posted by: Pixy Misa at
02:43 PM
| Comments (4)
| Add Comment
Post contains 359 words, total size 2 kb.
1
Goddammit, you old fucks did all the fun stuff, and ruined it for the rest of us! 'Course, that kind of shit still goes on at private parties.
Posted by: shank at December 09, 2005 04:17 PM (jfEhX)
2
I remember making some chick scream to Jesus on the drier in the laundry room. When I opened the door to sneak us out I was faced with a kitchen full of angry party-goers. Seems all the booze was in there, but we were too drunk to notice. We'd hogged the place for like a half hour.
Posted by: Bane at December 10, 2005 03:10 PM (JO5DH)
3
Instead, sensitized by sexual harassment cases, sobered by the dangers of drunk driving, solemn since September 11, 2001, saddened by Hurricane Katrina and set back by economic worries, companies are staging sedate affairs these days.
I can't believe none of you called bullshit on this.
Keep in mind: (1) Small businesses don't exist to the New York Times and (2) hello? WHAT THE FUCK does Katrina have to do with this?
This is just the NYT bein' all sad and gloomy like it is, oh, every single blessed day of the week.
Santa Claus could land that sleigh on the White House lawn tomorrow, leave 8 billion bags of gifts for all the people in the world (he'd trust us to send a good many of 'em FedEx), and the New York Times would lament Santa's ethnocentrism.
"And yet, it is somewhat baffling why old Saint Nick would choose the United States, a country held in low esteem by the United Nations, in which to deposit gifts of dubious value destined for suffering third-world countries . . . ."
Come on, who can't write this article already? IN THEIR SLEEP?
Posted by: ilyka at December 12, 2005 07:25 AM (c0ZqE)
4
Ah yeah, the good ole days. Back around 1990 my boss use to get a suite at one of the finer hotels. He would stock the bar, hire a bartender, have great food catered, all with good party music. Oh, and no spouse were invited, employees only, hmmmm. Anyways, I remember one too many times a VP on all fours giving the person on his back a ride around the room, people dancing on tables, the typical wild office party. One year as I was leaving the party, at the end of the hall was a sofa bed for some reason and after snatching some blankets a couple of people were under the covers. I just kept walking, didn't really want to know.
Posted by: Jackie at December 12, 2005 06:11 PM (iErNK)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
Dear Santa (read: wife),
ItÂ’s that time of year again. In order to make things easy on you, and insure that I get exactly what I want, I offer the following shopping guide:
I need some decent earphones for the iPod. The stock earphones are uncomfortable and lack the required dynamic range for maximum enjoyment.
Sony Fontopia MDR-EX70LP Earphones
Price: $49.99
These are available online from many retailers so order now to avoid an uncomfortable wait on my part.
IÂ’d also like something to help me wind down from a hard day at work. ThereÂ’s an add-on to Rome Total War, the video game I have driven into the ground. ItÂ’s called Barbarian Invasion Expansion Pack, $24.99 on Amazon.
If you could make these two happen IÂ’d be happy.
Aside from that, you could always make a deposit into my ‘special account’ at the bank, you know the account number.
Last, but certainly not least, can we just buy this damned thing and get it over with? I swear by all that is holy that you can drive it on Saturdays.
Please have the courtesy to make a similar list for me. We donÂ’t want a replay of the shoe incident, do we?
True Story (from my original blog):
The womenÂ’s shoe store. We were Christmas shopping together and she took me in and pointed them out. I looked down at them.
"Look closely."
"Okay," I said.
"Do you see the heel?" she asked.
"Yes, I see it."
"And the toe? See the difference?" She held up another shoe.
"Don't worry. I understand."
We left the mall. Several days later I went Christmas shopping alone. I had bought her every gift on her list. Only the shoes remained. I went back to the store, back to the exact spot where the shoes were. But they all looked the same.
Granted, I tend to tune out when people talk to me. I'm in my own world most of the time. I guess I wasn't paying attention. And now I'm looking down at these shoes and every pair looks the same. I tried to guess the exact spot I was standing in when she showed them to me, thinking I might find the right ones by dead reckoning, but I had no distinct landmarks. Meanwhile, it's a few days before Christmas and the place was packed. These things were flying out of there. Women were grabbing shoes and holding them up over their heads yelling sizes. I had been at the mall for a long time. I was hungry. I was tired. I had no hope. I picked a pair and bought them. I was certain I had narrowed it down to two pair and I chose one.
Fast-forward to Christmas day. All the presents opened except for one box. She opened the box and took out a shoe. Not only was it the wrong one, but it was the one she used as example of what she specifically did not want. She went berserker. I thought at one point that she would actually beat me with the shoe.
That was about five years ago. She still reminds me of it constantly. She uses it as an example when she points things out in stores now. And every time she brings it up, it is with the same intensity as that first time when she opened the box.
You really can't imagine.
Posted by: Pixy Misa at
09:43 AM
| Comments (13)
| Add Comment
Post contains 574 words, total size 3 kb.
1
Man my wife does the same thing. They just don't know when to let go.
I still hear about the time I was drunk in college and crawled in bed with the wife's roommate. Really it was an honest mistake. I took a left at the top of the stairs instead of a right.
Yet every time I go our drinking, it's "you'd best not go crawling in someone else's bed".
yap, yap, yap....
It's been at least seven years sense that little event.
Posted by: phin at December 09, 2005 10:09 AM (Xvpen)
2
THEY?
Ok...time for a beating....
Posted by: The Brat at December 09, 2005 10:50 AM (oqu5j)
3
Hey Phin, if your wife crawled in bed with some dude, she'd still be on house arrest to this day. Yada yada say what you want, you know it's true.
As for you Paul, the shoe incident lives on only in your warped little brain. I had forgotten that you had even ever bought me a fucking pair of shoes. I have no requests for Christmas. Give me nothing. Even you should be able to handle that.
Posted by: Quality Lady at December 09, 2005 11:43 AM (fz+XU)
4
I still get nervous around shoe stores and holidays and that's a fact.
Look, let's not get all crazy. Especially in a public forum.
I'm begging you here...please make a Christmas list.
Posted by: Paul at December 09, 2005 11:50 AM (vbP6L)
5
Ewwww. This is an ugly situation. Best left to private conversation... don't drag the ugliness of a bad shoe purchase into the lime light.
Posted by: Wendy at December 09, 2005 12:53 PM (A6nHr)
6
Hell no......I'll stick my nose into it any time.Someone just HAS to beat up these damn idiots.
Ok.........time to hide....
Posted by: The Brat at December 09, 2005 01:21 PM (oqu5j)
7
That is why I buy my own shoes. Well...one of the reasons the other is that I buy shoes on a weekly basis. I have a thing for them.
Posted by: Tiffani at December 09, 2005 01:37 PM (KE4Gu)
8
Pretty sad anyways if you want others to buy them for ya and then ungratefully bitch if they are not the right ones.LOL
THAT fact right there would me never ever give that person a damn single thing ever again/
Posted by: The Brat at December 09, 2005 02:05 PM (oqu5j)
9
I'd like a big bottle of gin, the world's largest lime, and a highball glass. Merry fucking christmas.
Hahaha, j/k. All the shit I want for christmas is on the wedding registries (BB&B and Amazon). But the thing I REALLY want is this motor swap. Damn that shit's gonna be sweet.
Posted by: shank at December 09, 2005 04:22 PM (jfEhX)
10
Someone is actually willing to marry you?
I am impressed.*applauding*
Ahum.....sorry.....Gin,eh?
Any brand preferences?Wouldn't want you to be all disapointed and stuff,ya know...
Posted by: The Brat at December 09, 2005 04:48 PM (oqu5j)
Posted by: shank at December 09, 2005 05:50 PM (jfEhX)
12
Did you really think I would give you anything fro Christmas???????????????????
Posted by: The Brat at December 10, 2005 01:16 AM (oqu5j)
13
You need a cell phone that takes pictures for Christmas.
Posted by: CanuckFlash at December 13, 2005 02:28 PM (SVlYg)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
Automatic Enkoder
Just used
this handy little utility to put up shank's email addy* in spamproofed format. It's over there on the sidebar in the "Authors" section now.
If you want to put your email address out there for people to use but hide it from spambots I strongly recommend running it through an encoder first. This one is the best that I've found.
* Everybody should send him a happy greeting.
Right now.
Really.
Copy me on it and I'll give you a Snooze Point**.
** Offer limited to one point per person. Void where prohibited by law. Odds of winning are approximately 1 to 1. Offer expires when shank threatens me with bodily harm.
Posted by: Jim at
06:20 AM
| Comments (9)
| Add Comment
Post contains 118 words, total size 1 kb.
Posted by: Tiffani at December 09, 2005 09:35 AM (KE4Gu)
2
Nah,not worth ONE damn point...for 10 its a go!
:-P
Posted by: The Brat at December 09, 2005 10:47 AM (oqu5j)
Posted by: shank at December 09, 2005 04:23 PM (jfEhX)
Posted by: The Brat at December 09, 2005 04:34 PM (oqu5j)
5
Villain!
Insurrectionist!!
Posted by: shank at December 09, 2005 04:37 PM (jfEhX)
6
Oh REALLY?
More Baby,MOOOOOORE!
:-P
Posted by: The Brat at December 09, 2005 04:46 PM (oqu5j)
7
Is anybody else getting really turned on here?
Posted by: Jim at December 09, 2005 05:37 PM (tyQ8y)
8
Damn. Things are heating up quite a bit in here.
Posted by: diamond dave at December 09, 2005 08:22 PM (1UZtD)
9
Gotta love the Shankle.....
Posted by: The Brat at December 10, 2005 01:17 AM (oqu5j)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
December 08, 2005
Update
So, as much as I hate to say it - they should let Tookie Williams live. Yes, he killed four people, yes he was a bad motherMM-MM back in the day. He's completely given up that life though, and has committed himself to destroying the glorified gangster image. Who knows how many people he could positively effect. He's certainly made an impact on many already. Yes, he will never be able to erase gang life or the Crips from the urban environment. But you know, maybe that's his real punishment. Knowing what he created, trying to destroy it, and knowing he'll never succeed.
The Miami Airport bomb incident - Lessons Learned:
1. Don't travel anywhere with a loved one who's off their meds - unless they're bound and gagged in the backseat and you're on the way to the doctor's office.
2. Don't yell "I have a bomb", unless you're looking for a permanent solution.
3. The only way to get blood off of the carpeting in a jetway is cold water, an oxidizing detergent, and light scrubbing with a bristle brush.
Additionally, any man who wouldn't sleep with Ann Coulter lives a life FAR too driven by prinicple, and not enough penis representation on the conscience committee.
And Iran's new president, whose name I won't waste the time trying to correctly spell, believes not only that Israel is a "tumor" on the middle eastern map, but further alludes to the idea that the Holocaust never happened. How do these people get into leadership positions? Muslim nations want to be taken seriously in the modern world, but they elect leaders with this kind of twisted worldview?
Also, hit CNN, some plane just crashed the shit out of an intersection in Chi-town. Relish this, because events don't usually get that current here at SBD.
Furthermore - has anyone noticed the duality of SBD? Silent But Deadly? Snooze Button Dreams? Oh yeah, you're thinkin' it, I know ya are.
more...
Posted by: shank at
09:39 PM
| Comments (6)
| Add Comment
Post contains 455 words, total size 3 kb.
1
So a jury of his "peers" and the victims' families should just suck it up because Tookie is a changed man?
Because, you know, I don't buy his act at all.
[/Devil's Advocate]
Posted by: Margi at December 08, 2005 10:46 PM (nwEQH)
2
Hey, for me to say that is for me to play my own devil's advocate. But what is he going to do, get out on the streets and join the gang? No. After writing children's books? I mean, those crip/gangbanger people want to
kill his ass. He created something that is so far beyond his comprehension. I want him to come out of that cell and see what Tookie hath wrought. He's been playing this "I'm converted" shit for so long, that he's become a token of black solidarity - of urban strength. THE MAN WHO BROUGHT YOU THE CRIPS - is now a pillar of the community. Who the FUCK doesn't see the bullshit in that? I want to see this fucknut get out there and continue this mission in a world that exists outside of prison bars, where you don't have the private time to write children's books; where the urban desert closes in on you with it's black markets, local drug dealers, and no-way-out mentality. I want to see this fucker Tookie crumbled by that which he helped create - the glorification of violence.
In short, I hope he realizes the REAL horror that is the cycle of violence. I hope he does so and hangs himself in the halfway house, upon the realization that he was chasing unicorns. I want him to
see the violence,
be the violence, because he's caused so much of it.
Live by the sword, die by the sword.
Posted by: shank at December 08, 2005 11:25 PM (jfEhX)
3
He doesn't ever come out, shank. If Arnie spares his life his sentence is commuted to life in prison without parole. I wonder what the odds are running now that the Governator pardons him? Could be some money to be made here if a fellow guessed right.
The pres actually has the ability to get Williams freed but I can't picture George going that route.
Posted by: Jim at December 09, 2005 06:05 AM (oqu5j)
4
No way I'd let him live. I don't buy the act.
Besides, if he ever gets moved off death row his homies will whack him Soprano style.
As far as the Holocaust, those fuckers know exactly what happened, and they relish pissing people off by saying it never happened. They keep it up and they'll have their own to worry about about.
I can't abide people who lean too far either way in their political beliefs. I'd fuck Ann Coulter, sure. But I'm a guy. I bet if Al Franken saw her bend over in an airport he'd be masterbating within the hour.
Posted by: Paul at December 09, 2005 07:44 AM (vbP6L)
5
Duality of SBD has been long noted, and all but forgotten. My old quote, in fact, made fun of that very duality: "Just because it's called SBD doesn't mean it stinks." It was almost as good as the ever-lovely Tiffani's quote, which is still there.
Posted by: Victor at December 09, 2005 09:01 AM (L3qPK)
6
Where are those quotes anyway? My quote should be on top. Only because that is the first time I have ever come up with something so clever. And probably will be the last time.
The fact is..Tookie killed 4 people. I'm with Shank live by the sword, die by the sword.
Oh and Shank you lost me with on the second sentence with your car. All that stuff....is that good?
Posted by: Tiffani at December 09, 2005 09:49 AM (KE4Gu)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
AmericaÂ’s Next Top Plumber
Last night I was forced to sit through an episode of
AmericaÂ’s Next To Model. I was offended on
so many levels.
I donÂ’t know what the hell the world has come to but IÂ’m embarrassed by it. And rather than waste my time and yours describing why I hate this show, IÂ’ll simply make a better offer.
AmericaÂ’s Next Top Plumber.
Instead of being hosted by some daft model (I refuse to use the term supermodel) it will be hosted by a plumber. A really successful plumber, who will give the candidates advice on winning, and on plumbing in general. You know, so AmericaÂ’s young people know what to expect as they try to realize their dream, because plumbing is a cut-throat business.
“It’s all about how you load the truck, Bobby. You need to know exactly where those fittings are. You can’t just throw 2” fittings in with the 1” fittings. It just won’t work.”
And instead of getting runway instruction from a large black man dressed like a woman and wearing a hat constructed from waxed fruit, the contestants will be given help in specific areas of plumbing application and general public courtesies. The contestants will visit a uniform consultant and will be fitted for appropriate work clothing. Butt cracks will be eliminated. Tools must be kept clean. Taking sports action from customers would be frowned upon.
Weekly competitions will vary, but may include:
Proper installation (and pronunciation) of a bidet
Changing out a residential toilet
Commercial urinal replacement
Snaking a line clogged up by tampons
Septic tank leak repair
I donÂ’t know if I could actually sell this treatment to network, but IÂ’m certain that I could sell my next idea. That entailÂ’s combining the two shows. YouÂ’d have some hot chicks learning how to install copper pipe. Tyra Banks would get to stay on as co-host. She could make sure the girls use the right kind of eye makeup and how to up-sell decorative faucets and sinks. On the flip side, weÂ’ll get a top-notch plumber that can really show these girls around a shitter. How to adjust a ball float, replacing the tank gaskets and changing-out the flapper.
IÂ’m thinking Fox would be all over this.
Posted by: Pixy Misa at
10:29 AM
| Comments (4)
| Add Comment
Post contains 380 words, total size 2 kb.
1
Personally - I love it. As a plumbing supermodel myself, I would love to see some real competition in the field...

It took me many years to achieve my greatness, and no one could do it overnight, but given the right "schooling" and such I think there could be some up-and-comers.
Posted by: Wendy at December 08, 2005 12:22 PM (FYcXB)
2
Must woman do everything these days that men are doing?Women are supposed to smell purdy not like a toilet or worse...septic tank.Gross!
Shame on you!
But they can keep the stupid Top and Super Model shows anyways....we already have enough dump,blond cheerleaders in the US.
;-)
Posted by: The Brat at December 08, 2005 12:45 PM (oqu5j)
3
I actually fucked a girl who was a plumber's apprentice when I was in college. Look, what can I say, slim pickin's. But I'll have you know this, I've never met another woman who could handle a pipe snake like her. Woo, those were the
days
Posted by: shank at December 08, 2005 09:52 PM (jfEhX)
4
If the contestants were in bikinis and the "game" included some way for them to backstab each other it would be an instant hit.
Posted by: Jim at December 09, 2005 05:58 AM (oqu5j)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
December 06, 2005
This is why I love karma
It works both ways, you see.
Kettle robbery suspect found dead
Lee J. George has been mugging Salvation Army fund raisers (the folks with the kettle on a tripod and that annoying bell*) since November 28. On Monday they found him dead in his car, which was overturned and at the bottom of a creek.
* A kinder, gentler Army. This weekend we saw a bell ringer at Wally-World without a bell. She had a red sign with big white letters saying "Ding!".
Posted by: Jim at
04:01 PM
| Comments (3)
| Add Comment
Post contains 95 words, total size 1 kb.
1
Coolness!
Wonder if the Salvation Army didn't discreetly "arrange" this untimely end...
Posted by: diamond dave at December 06, 2005 04:55 PM (r5/L0)
2
Wouldn't it be cool if we found out the Salvation Army was like the foreign legion and all those Santa bell ringers were highly trained black ops guys?
Posted by: Paul at December 06, 2005 05:13 PM (fz+XU)
3
"Nobody cuts out the Rainbow Coalition. They're the roughest charity in town!"
Posted by: Jim at December 06, 2005 05:21 PM (tyQ8y)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
December 05, 2005
Let me count the waysÂ…
Man, do I hate Ashton Kutcher.
Once in a blue moon IÂ’ll try to sit through an episode of PunkÂ’d when the remote is out of reach. I find it unbearable. How many times can they threaten to tow somebodyÂ’s car?
My dream is that someday when he comes running out at the end, grinning like a fucking idiot, the “celebrity” won’t know or care who he is and proceeds to beat the living shit out of him. I’m talking on the ground, trying to cover his face and head while somebody’s posse keeps on kicking and kicking him.
At least IÂ’m honest.
Posted by: Pixy Misa at
04:28 PM
| Comments (1)
| Add Comment
Post contains 113 words, total size 1 kb.
1
That would be too cool. I can see it in my mind's eye. Arms wrapped around his head, curled into a fetal position, trying to breath and scream at the same time as somebody repeatedly kicks him in the solar plexus.
That's good TV right there.
Posted by: Jim at December 06, 2005 05:22 AM (oqu5j)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
My name is Paul, and IÂ’m an addict
ItÂ’s been more than a week now and I have not smoked. One thing nobody told me is that when you stop smoking, you lose the ability to poop. Well, IÂ’m here to tell you, if you stop smoking you
will stop pooping.
My other addiction is still raging out of control. iTunes. I canÂ’t stop downloading songs. It always starts off innocently enough. I just listen to the 30 second sample. But, shit, to me, thatÂ’s like snorting heroin. ItÂ’s not enough to keep the buzz going. I need the full-on injection.
I find myself reliving my youth through iTunes. I seek out various obscure songs from my youth that invoke memories. Album sides that I used to make out to. Songs I was embarrassed to listen to even way back then.
IÂ’ve been downloading songs from iTunes for a long time. Hell, I didnÂ’t even have an iPod when I started downloading. I remember the day someone first told me about it.
“You can kill hours there, man, just listening to 30 second clips of songs you haven’t heard in years.”
And it was true. By day three I was downloading songs and burning CDs the old fashioned way. It wasn’t long before I just gave up and bought the iPod. And now there’s no stopping it. I “need” the songs. I’m a musician and a music snob so I really go the extra mile to seek out remastered stuff—from classical and Jazz to The Pixies.
There ought to be some kind of twelve step program for this shit.
I guess we're all addicted to something.
Posted by: Pixy Misa at
10:14 AM
| Comments (6)
| Add Comment
Post contains 284 words, total size 2 kb.
1
That's okay, I'm reliving my youth, too. Call it the compilation of the soundtrack of my life.
I find downloading music a healthier (and less expensive) addiction than cigarettes. At least I've stayed away from those.
And yes, you will poop again. Your colon will adapt to life without nicotine.
Posted by: diamond dave at December 05, 2005 05:36 PM (OPflN)
2
I also hate poor html posting and bad links.
Posted by: Dortch at December 06, 2005 11:22 AM (DRPSX)
3
As one addict to another:
Pandora
Please don't hit me. *flee*
Posted by: Margi at December 06, 2005 11:47 AM (nwEQH)
4
Margi, how could you do this to me?
That's cool!
Posted by: Paul at December 06, 2005 12:57 PM (vbP6L)
5
As for the poop situation, your wife should wait until you're on the throne, then announce that she put a dent in the car.
Posted by: Ted at December 08, 2005 12:13 PM (blNMI)
6
if you stop smoking you will stop pooping
Oh, no, honey. That's just you.
What happened when I quit?--I stopped thinking.
I mean I became stuck on stupid in the worst possible way.
"Do I make a right or a left turn here?"
"Uh, I dunno, JACKASS, I JUST QUIT SMOKING."
Oh, did I mention the temper? Because, the temper.
Seriously, regularity was the least of my problems.
Posted by: ilyka at December 12, 2005 07:18 AM (c0ZqE)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
98kb generated in CPU 0.1159, elapsed 0.2069 seconds.
103 queries taking 0.1681 seconds, 372 records returned.
Powered by Minx 1.1.6c-pink.