December 16, 2005

The worst Christmas party. Ever.

Last night I found this true story about the worst Christmas party I ever attended. In the end I triumphed. Sort of. It was dated December 2003 and IÂ’ve no idea if I ever posted it or not. Reflecting back on those days, a case could certainly be made that I was an asshole. more...

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 09:30 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 967 words, total size 6 kb.

December 15, 2005

You can try to caption thisÂ…

dublyou.jpg

”White House Hosts American Proctology Association”

But youÂ’ll never beat mine.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 04:05 PM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
Post contains 23 words, total size 1 kb.

When Bloggers Attack

ThereÂ’s nothing I enjoy more than shit like this.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 12:53 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 15 words, total size 1 kb.

December 14, 2005

This is...different

With all the brouhaha about Christmas displays this year, here is a change in pace:

Murderous Santa display outside Manhattan mansion draws stares

Jason, Michael, and Freddy meet Santa, anyone?

Posted by: Diamond Dave at 04:53 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 34 words, total size 1 kb.

I never would have guessed

page.jpg

Recognize this guy? more...

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 12:22 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 87 words, total size 1 kb.

Sin taxes don't go nearly far enough

California is looking to take the cigarette tax crown from Rhode Island. Rhode Island, at $2.46, currently has the highest per pack tax in the nation. A ballot measure in the land of nuts and money would raise California's per pack tax to $3.47.

Funds raised would be earmarked for health initiatives:

"It distributes the funds in a well-thought-out and comprehensive array of health programs that will make a frontal assault on the major diseases and causes of death in California, maintain and expand access to health care, and improve the health of all Californians," said Jim Knox, vice president of the American Cancer Society, one of the measure's sponsors.

Well hot damn, what a great idea. Cigarettes are bad for you, right? So the gub'mint puts an onerous tax on them and applies these gains to addressing health problems. As a side benefit they drive down the sales of the offending product and hopefully, in time, drive the offending companies out of business. Sweet. more...

Posted by: Jim at 08:24 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
Post contains 658 words, total size 4 kb.

Use Your Illusion

more...

Posted by: shank at 01:40 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 346 words, total size 2 kb.

December 13, 2005

Since I've come this far...

snoopy.jpg

By request.

I can't lie around in silk boxers every day.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 07:43 PM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
Post contains 21 words, total size 1 kb.

CONFIRMED: I am a wimp

Early yesterday evening I realized I was completely out of scotch. My wife was out Christmas shopping so I called her to ask if she would be kind enough to make a stop on the way home. She didnÂ’t answer her cell phone. Since I was already undressed I was dreading the thought of having to go out and procure my own liquor.

At 6:30 PM she walked through the door, arms full of purchases. And I mean loaded down with bags full of stuff. I had two important questions to ask:

1. Will you please go buy me some scotch?
2. What the hell are you using for money?

I didnÂ’t want to know the answer to number two so I asked about the scotch.

“I’ve just completed the Christmas shopping. It’s done. Finished. Without you going anywhere, do anything or even offering suggestions. Tonight completes a week long endeavor and I’m not going back out. Go get the rest of the shit from the car.”

I couldnÂ’t really argue. I contributed nothing this year except the cash and I expect that ran out earlier in the week.

Then she added, “I’ll make you a deal.”

“What kind of deal?”

She pointed at me. “If you go to the liquor store dressed like that, I’ll do anything you want.”

I looked down at myself. I was wearing Snoopy pajama bottoms. Goofy looking, sky blue, ankle length pajama bottoms. Snoopy was printed all over them, wearing a nightcap and carrying a candle. I hate peanuts and I hate SnoopyÂ…the origin of the things are another story.

To compliment the bottoms, I was wearing a wife beater and a pair of sad old slippers. IÂ’m a pretty big guy (not fat) and I looked like a real asshole.

“What do you mean you’ll do anything I want?”

“Whatever weird, perverted, sexual thing that you’ve ever wanted but were afraid to ask for, I’ll do it. All you need to do is go to the liquor store dressed like that. Exactly like that. You can’t take the slippers off.”

I walked into the bedroom and put on some jeans. There was no way I was going out looking like that. Not to the liquor store I go to. I guess that makes me a wimp. ThatÂ’s what I felt like. But you know, I really couldnÂ’t think of anything that perverted we hadnÂ’t already done. In hindsight, what I should have done was asked her to throw something out there on the table. I can't believe I let that get by me. Christ, IÂ’m slipping.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 09:40 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
Post contains 443 words, total size 2 kb.

December 12, 2005

On Giving Bad Advice

At work, we have an administrative resident. It's basically a position for folks who've just completed gradschool; they work closely with senior leadership on various projects. Similar to an internship, but it lasts for a year and it pays.

So anyways, the resident and I work close, and she kind of identifies with me since we're the same age and all that. She asks me for advice sometimes, since I'm a little more familiar with the unspoken mores of the organization. Today, she came to me complaining about this specific AA who's notorious for trying to throw people under the bus. She's always handing off challenging work to others, playing stupid, and yet somehow manages to enjoy decent job security. I hate this bitch, because she's tried to dump on me several times right in front of her direct report, one of the VP's.

So the resident's like "You're never gonna believe what happened today."
"Shoot."
"The bus driver is making me take minutes at the senior leadership meeting."
"She's not the bus driver, she's the person throwing you in front of the bus. And she shouldn't be making you do a goddamn thing, since she's not superior to you."
"Whatever. She said 'The residents used to do this, but I've been doing it for the past few years. I don't know why, but I'm giving it to you.'"
"Horseshit. The reason the residents quit doing it was probably because it was a waste of their fucking time as future CEO's and shit to take minutes."
"I know."
"So what the fuck does that bitch do for a living now? Answer the phone for 40k/year and full benefits?"
"I know."
"So did you tell her to fuck off?"
"No! Dude, I'm trying to get a job offer out of this gig."
"Well, you fucked yourself. You should always have a busy response."
"A busy response?"
"Yeah. As soon as you realize this bitch is trying to throw you in front of the bus, or get you to do her goddamn job for her that she's been doing for the past few fucking years; you cut her off mid-sentance with your busy response. Like so: 'Yeah look Helen I've got (list several projects here, make some up) the labor reqs to take care of, supply budgets for sixteen units, PAF's to clean up, operational budget variances are stacking up on my desk, and next week the VP of (any department will do, except the one the bitch works in) Strategy and I are presenting some AD/C data to the CEO. Just can't do it. Hey, would you mind chucking something in the interoffice mail for me?'"
"Wow."
"Works everytime. But be sure that what she's actually asking you to do is horseshit. As a matter of fact, you need to get a job offer somewhere else, just so you can someday bask in the pure pleasure of telling her she's full of horseshit."
"Dude. You're the man."
"Fuck, you're the one who got the residency. Now get out there and administrate."

That's me. Fostering educational growth and career expansion. GO TEAM!

Posted by: shank at 08:19 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 528 words, total size 3 kb.

December 11, 2005

He's Back Again

hanky.jpg

Just finished putting the Christmas decorations up!

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 07:56 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 13 words, total size 1 kb.

December 09, 2005

Spreading a Little Sunshine

I really appreciated the emails, trivial as they might seem. Today, I'm in an unsually good humor; probably because of all that light beer I drank last night. Turned me into a right pussy I'd imagine. At any rate, I decided to make a note of the folks who sent me Friday Greetings, and say a nice little blurb about them. I figure it's a nice thing to do (see! Unusually good humor. Odd), plus my blogging consultant once told me that "everyone likes to see their name in lights". Yes, I have a blogging consultant. I didn't develop from 20six.co.uk to SBD in a year because I'm charming (obviously), it's just good management.

Victor - Vic really loves rats. Granted, rats may seem a little grody to some of you, but a life without passion is no life at all. Besides, anyone who can set aside the social stigma and love the hell out of some rats probably ain't a bullshitter; and as Martha would say "That's a good thing." Now get over to his site and help him win a bucket of Iowa crap.

Tiffani - Tiffani is probably a hottie. With a name like Tiffani you just can't go wrong. Additionally, Tiffani leaves her work email attached to her comments, plus she puts her work signature at the bottom of her emails. Tiffani is an unabashed office blogger. A hot, (possibly) well-dressed, office blogger. I'd hit it.

Posted by: shank at 04:29 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 248 words, total size 2 kb.

RIP, All Things Fun

IÂ’m old enough to remember when office Christmas parties were actually fun. Most people would get themselves all liquored up and do incredibly stupid things. Like make out with coworkers, vomit in front of the VPs and blurt out inappropriate comments about all kinds of stuff they'd later reget. Unfortunately, those days are over.

“Gone are the nights of photocopying one's bare buttocks, groping interns and hauling home a gift bag full of goodies.” more...

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 02:43 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 359 words, total size 2 kb.

Dear Santa (read: wife),

ItÂ’s that time of year again. In order to make things easy on you, and insure that I get exactly what I want, I offer the following shopping guide:

I need some decent earphones for the iPod. The stock earphones are uncomfortable and lack the required dynamic range for maximum enjoyment.

Sony Fontopia MDR-EX70LP Earphones
Price: $49.99

These are available online from many retailers so order now to avoid an uncomfortable wait on my part.

IÂ’d also like something to help me wind down from a hard day at work. ThereÂ’s an add-on to Rome Total War, the video game I have driven into the ground. ItÂ’s called Barbarian Invasion Expansion Pack, $24.99 on Amazon.

If you could make these two happen IÂ’d be happy.

Aside from that, you could always make a deposit into my ‘special account’ at the bank, you know the account number.

Last, but certainly not least, can we just buy this damned thing and get it over with? I swear by all that is holy that you can drive it on Saturdays.

Please have the courtesy to make a similar list for me. We donÂ’t want a replay of the shoe incident, do we?

True Story (from my original blog):

The womenÂ’s shoe store. We were Christmas shopping together and she took me in and pointed them out. I looked down at them.

"Look closely."

"Okay," I said.

"Do you see the heel?" she asked.

"Yes, I see it."

"And the toe? See the difference?" She held up another shoe.

"Don't worry. I understand."

We left the mall. Several days later I went Christmas shopping alone. I had bought her every gift on her list. Only the shoes remained. I went back to the store, back to the exact spot where the shoes were. But they all looked the same.

Granted, I tend to tune out when people talk to me. I'm in my own world most of the time. I guess I wasn't paying attention. And now I'm looking down at these shoes and every pair looks the same. I tried to guess the exact spot I was standing in when she showed them to me, thinking I might find the right ones by dead reckoning, but I had no distinct landmarks. Meanwhile, it's a few days before Christmas and the place was packed. These things were flying out of there. Women were grabbing shoes and holding them up over their heads yelling sizes. I had been at the mall for a long time. I was hungry. I was tired. I had no hope. I picked a pair and bought them. I was certain I had narrowed it down to two pair and I chose one.

Fast-forward to Christmas day. All the presents opened except for one box. She opened the box and took out a shoe. Not only was it the wrong one, but it was the one she used as example of what she specifically did not want. She went berserker. I thought at one point that she would actually beat me with the shoe.

That was about five years ago. She still reminds me of it constantly. She uses it as an example when she points things out in stores now. And every time she brings it up, it is with the same intensity as that first time when she opened the box.

You really can't imagine.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 09:43 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
Post contains 574 words, total size 3 kb.

Automatic Enkoder

Just used this handy little utility to put up shank's email addy* in spamproofed format. It's over there on the sidebar in the "Authors" section now.

If you want to put your email address out there for people to use but hide it from spambots I strongly recommend running it through an encoder first. This one is the best that I've found.

* Everybody should send him a happy greeting.
Right now.
Really.
Copy me on it and I'll give you a Snooze Point**.

** Offer limited to one point per person. Void where prohibited by law. Odds of winning are approximately 1 to 1. Offer expires when shank threatens me with bodily harm.

Posted by: Jim at 06:20 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
Post contains 118 words, total size 1 kb.

December 08, 2005

Update

So, as much as I hate to say it - they should let Tookie Williams live. Yes, he killed four people, yes he was a bad motherMM-MM back in the day. He's completely given up that life though, and has committed himself to destroying the glorified gangster image. Who knows how many people he could positively effect. He's certainly made an impact on many already. Yes, he will never be able to erase gang life or the Crips from the urban environment. But you know, maybe that's his real punishment. Knowing what he created, trying to destroy it, and knowing he'll never succeed.

The Miami Airport bomb incident - Lessons Learned:
1. Don't travel anywhere with a loved one who's off their meds - unless they're bound and gagged in the backseat and you're on the way to the doctor's office.
2. Don't yell "I have a bomb", unless you're looking for a permanent solution.
3. The only way to get blood off of the carpeting in a jetway is cold water, an oxidizing detergent, and light scrubbing with a bristle brush.

Additionally, any man who wouldn't sleep with Ann Coulter lives a life FAR too driven by prinicple, and not enough penis representation on the conscience committee.

And Iran's new president, whose name I won't waste the time trying to correctly spell, believes not only that Israel is a "tumor" on the middle eastern map, but further alludes to the idea that the Holocaust never happened. How do these people get into leadership positions? Muslim nations want to be taken seriously in the modern world, but they elect leaders with this kind of twisted worldview?

Also, hit CNN, some plane just crashed the shit out of an intersection in Chi-town. Relish this, because events don't usually get that current here at SBD.

Furthermore - has anyone noticed the duality of SBD? Silent But Deadly? Snooze Button Dreams? Oh yeah, you're thinkin' it, I know ya are.
more...

Posted by: shank at 09:39 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 455 words, total size 3 kb.

AmericaÂ’s Next Top Plumber

Last night I was forced to sit through an episode of AmericaÂ’s Next To Model. I was offended on so many levels.

I donÂ’t know what the hell the world has come to but IÂ’m embarrassed by it. And rather than waste my time and yours describing why I hate this show, IÂ’ll simply make a better offer.

AmericaÂ’s Next Top Plumber.

Instead of being hosted by some daft model (I refuse to use the term supermodel) it will be hosted by a plumber. A really successful plumber, who will give the candidates advice on winning, and on plumbing in general. You know, so AmericaÂ’s young people know what to expect as they try to realize their dream, because plumbing is a cut-throat business.

“It’s all about how you load the truck, Bobby. You need to know exactly where those fittings are. You can’t just throw 2” fittings in with the 1” fittings. It just won’t work.”

And instead of getting runway instruction from a large black man dressed like a woman and wearing a hat constructed from waxed fruit, the contestants will be given help in specific areas of plumbing application and general public courtesies. The contestants will visit a uniform consultant and will be fitted for appropriate work clothing. Butt cracks will be eliminated. Tools must be kept clean. Taking sports action from customers would be frowned upon.

Weekly competitions will vary, but may include:

Proper installation (and pronunciation) of a bidet
Changing out a residential toilet
Commercial urinal replacement
Snaking a line clogged up by tampons
Septic tank leak repair

I donÂ’t know if I could actually sell this treatment to network, but IÂ’m certain that I could sell my next idea. That entailÂ’s combining the two shows. YouÂ’d have some hot chicks learning how to install copper pipe. Tyra Banks would get to stay on as co-host. She could make sure the girls use the right kind of eye makeup and how to up-sell decorative faucets and sinks. On the flip side, weÂ’ll get a top-notch plumber that can really show these girls around a shitter. How to adjust a ball float, replacing the tank gaskets and changing-out the flapper.

IÂ’m thinking Fox would be all over this.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 10:29 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 380 words, total size 2 kb.

December 06, 2005

This is why I love karma

It works both ways, you see.

Kettle robbery suspect found dead

Lee J. George has been mugging Salvation Army fund raisers (the folks with the kettle on a tripod and that annoying bell*) since November 28. On Monday they found him dead in his car, which was overturned and at the bottom of a creek.

* A kinder, gentler Army. This weekend we saw a bell ringer at Wally-World without a bell. She had a red sign with big white letters saying "Ding!".

Posted by: Jim at 04:01 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 95 words, total size 1 kb.

December 05, 2005

Let me count the waysÂ…

Man, do I hate Ashton Kutcher.

Once in a blue moon IÂ’ll try to sit through an episode of PunkÂ’d when the remote is out of reach. I find it unbearable. How many times can they threaten to tow somebodyÂ’s car?

My dream is that someday when he comes running out at the end, grinning like a fucking idiot, the “celebrity” won’t know or care who he is and proceeds to beat the living shit out of him. I’m talking on the ground, trying to cover his face and head while somebody’s posse keeps on kicking and kicking him.

At least IÂ’m honest.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 04:28 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 113 words, total size 1 kb.

My name is Paul, and IÂ’m an addict

ItÂ’s been more than a week now and I have not smoked. One thing nobody told me is that when you stop smoking, you lose the ability to poop. Well, IÂ’m here to tell you, if you stop smoking you will stop pooping.

My other addiction is still raging out of control. iTunes. I canÂ’t stop downloading songs. It always starts off innocently enough. I just listen to the 30 second sample. But, shit, to me, thatÂ’s like snorting heroin. ItÂ’s not enough to keep the buzz going. I need the full-on injection.

I find myself reliving my youth through iTunes. I seek out various obscure songs from my youth that invoke memories. Album sides that I used to make out to. Songs I was embarrassed to listen to even way back then.

IÂ’ve been downloading songs from iTunes for a long time. Hell, I didnÂ’t even have an iPod when I started downloading. I remember the day someone first told me about it.

“You can kill hours there, man, just listening to 30 second clips of songs you haven’t heard in years.”

And it was true. By day three I was downloading songs and burning CDs the old fashioned way. It wasn’t long before I just gave up and bought the iPod. And now there’s no stopping it. I “need” the songs. I’m a musician and a music snob so I really go the extra mile to seek out remastered stuff—from classical and Jazz to The Pixies.

There ought to be some kind of twelve step program for this shit.

I guess we're all addicted to something.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 10:14 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 284 words, total size 2 kb.

<< Page 2 of 3 >>
98kb generated in CPU 0.1159, elapsed 0.2069 seconds.
103 queries taking 0.1681 seconds, 372 records returned.
Powered by Minx 1.1.6c-pink.