I told you , you fuckers. She was brain dead. Couldn't see shit, didn't know shit, didn't care. And you wanted to keep her alive, against her wishes. You bleeding heart pussies.

Posted by: Id at 05:12 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 34 words, total size 1 kb.

So last night there was this thing on TV called "48 Hours: Mysteries'. The episdoe they did was on a guy named Michael Blagg who was convicted of murdering his wife and daughter. Without any hard evidence or even eyewitness testimony.

Apparently, he wife was shot in their home, taken to a dump, and left there wrapped in a tent. his daughter was never found. Blagg's alibi is that he was at work that day; he even left voicemail messages for his wife and child on their home answering machine.

They never matched the bullet in the wife to a gun owned by Blagg. They never said his alibi wasn't true. I mean, if he was at work, people would remember it, the timeclocks and surveillance video would prove it. The neighbors don't remember hearing a gunshot in the iddle of the night, or seeing the family van leave at odd hours. There is nothing connecting this man to his wife's murder except circumstantial bullshit.

The best part is, a witness for the prosecution (the wife's mother no less); admits to making shit up on the stand. She got up there and made up her testimony as it popped into her head, saying that Blagg choked his wife once. She continues to go on saying she never reported the incident, and has never spoken about it until that very moment in the courtroom. She got up on the stand and was allowed to make an unbased, unverifiable testimmony of something that may or may not have happened years ago. Shitty.

The media made him out to be a cheating (a claim later revealed to be completely unfounded and untrue) porn addict. The media reported all this shit for a year or something until the trial date, inundating this small community with all sorts of fucked up opinions. Needless to say, by the time jury selection came around everyone had already made up their minds. The public defender didn't stand a chance against such fools, and he went to jail.

I can't imagine coming home from work to find your wife and child dead. I can't imagine not being able to join the searches for them because the media made people think it would be a conflict of interest. I can't imagine being sentanced to life in prison with no hope of parole, when the two people you love most in the world aren't even alive to come visit you. It's like a fucking horror story.

Honestly, I'd kill myself before I'd ever go to jail for some shit I didn't do.

Posted by: Id at 04:55 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 435 words, total size 2 kb.

A very genteel Southern lady was driving across a Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day.

As she neared the middle of the bridge, she noticed a young man ready fixin' to jump.

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said,

"Please don't jump, think of yoah deah momma and daddy."

He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of yoah wife and children."

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."

He replied, "Who's Robert E. Lee?''

She replied, "Well, just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee."

(Hat tip to Lovely Wife)

Posted by: Jim at 09:54 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 120 words, total size 1 kb.

This worked so incredibly well* that I'm going to dip into the well again.

I need another round of happy thoughts, mojo, considered discourse, best wishes...hell, whatever your bag is it's wanted. Half of you can guess what it's for. Four of you know for sure what it's for. For the rest of you, rest assured it's going to a very good purpose.

* Although it did so apparently by causing a tropical storm. Hey, you can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs.

Posted by: Jim at 06:25 PM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
Post contains 96 words, total size 1 kb.

I need an unabridged thesaurus to properly express my contempt, disgust and outrage at this situation.

Mukhtaran Mai was invited to speak at a conference on women's abuse in America. A few days ago she was put on house arrest and listed officially on government enforcement lists as a person not permitted to leave Pakistan. Today she was arrested and brought to Punjab.

If the name Mukhtaran Mai seems to ring a bell for you it's because it was well publicized in 2002, shortly after she was gang raped on the order of a tribal council. Her 12 year-old brother had offended a powerful tribe by befriending and then being sodomized by a clan member. To punish the boy for his affrontery the local law (tribal council) subjected Mukhtaran to being gang raped by four men of that tribe.

After her story was publicized internationally the Pakistani government gave her a pile of "shut up about it" money. She used that money to start a school. Her students include the children of the men who raped her.

The shut up money didn't work so now the Pakistani government has kidnapped her. They have coerced her into making a statement that she does not want to come to America to speak about her experiences. Mukhtaran managed to contact a foreign reporter and explained that she and her family had been threatened with serious repercussions if she did not issue the statement.

Pakistan is our ally? Personally I want nothing to do with "friends" like this.

Muhktaran needs to be freed immediately and her right to travel returned to her. Any other action by the Pakistani government will say far more than she ever could about just what sort of place Pakistan is.

(Items from after she was placed on the No Exit list were from an NPR story I heard on the way home today. I can't find a link to it and am too pissed off to try very hard right now.)

Posted by: Jim at 06:15 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 342 words, total size 2 kb.

I'm only linking you to this top secret site because we should all know the truth. Link

Posted by: Id at 05:40 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 21 words, total size 1 kb.

So, tonight I need to make an appointment for us to meet with a DJ and a baker. The DJ thing I think I can handle. Stereo shit, a masculine feild if there ever was one. Even though picking one out should be pretty straight forward, once the woman throws her monkey wrench of femalogic into the cogs, who knows what'll happen right?

As for the cake thing, I don't even wnat to know. I'm not a big cake person, but apparently that's something that gets you drawn and quartered in the nuptial world; so the fiance has layed down a gag order. I totally want to needle these bakers, but I'm not sure if it will be worth suffering the consequences. I mean, what the hell do I need edible flowers on a cake for? Why can't we just have a regular old cake? Why the hell do you need cake at a wedding? Since we're spending all this dough on food, why spend a lot on cake, when we can spend an equal amount on something like sorbet that's awesomer? Or cheesecake?
"No, those are all options for the grooms cake."
"The groomscake? What the hell is that?"
"It's a smaller cake that's usually chocolate if the wedding cake is vanilla, you know, so there is a choice of flavor."
"Well, it doesn't make sense to have two cakes. Why don't we just get something cool for the same amount we'd spend on this hyped up wedding cake?"
"Because wedding cake is what you're supposed to get, it's what we're getting, no more strange ideas from you okay?"
"Doesn'tmakeanysense."
"Are you done?"

Posted by: Id at 05:26 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 282 words, total size 2 kb.

Michael Jackson. What can I say - luckiest child molester I know.

1. Has America made such idols of it's celebrities that we cannot convict them of any misdeeds? See also, O.J., Robert Blake.

2. There is a difference between doubt and reasonable doubt. I guess defense attorneys have done such a great job blurring the line between the two, that they are now interchangeable terms. If a man allows young boys to drink alcohol in his presence, shows this his porno stash, and then asks them to join him in bed; how can you possibly reasonably doubt what his intentions are? If I did the same to a woman my age my intentions would be pretty damn clear, and I would assume if I did the same to a child my inetions would get my happy ass sent to jail.

3. Even if Michael is suffering from some sort of advanced Peter Pan Syndrome, why would he be interested in sex, porn, and alcohol? These are all things that adults become interested in. If his aim was purely to find a playmate, why would he sleep with them? How many of the fellas out there had sleepovers where you got into daddy's liquor cabinet, looked through his porno, and then all climbed in bed together?

He's a sick fucker, and he should have at least gone down for attempt to molest and the alcohol charges. It's a complete boondoggle; and I hope we see him in court again.

And did anyone get a load of those damn jurors? What a bunch of fucktards

Posted by: Id at 05:07 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 268 words, total size 1 kb.

Trey wants to move to our neighborhood. Being inclined to rationality he's realized that Wordpress is icky and that Munuvians kick it old school. Heading to mucountry is a no-brainer once you nail down those two facts.

Anywho...head on over to his nomination thread and chime in.

Posted by: Jim at 10:36 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
Post contains 53 words, total size 1 kb.

Do you know what the difference is between Northern fairy tales and Southern fairy tales?

Northern fairy tales start with "Once upon a time, in a land far, far away..."

Southern ones start with "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

(Hat tip to the Popsicle Lady)

Posted by: Jim at 09:55 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 50 words, total size 1 kb.

Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

(Hat tip to Lovely Wife)

Posted by: Jim at 09:54 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 23 words, total size 1 kb.

I split town today. I was fucking sick and fucking tired of it. The job, the wife, the bills, the nagging bullshit. I woke up thismorning and I was like...Who's life is this goddamnit? I got a car that's paid for, a couple grand in the bank, and a credit limit of five g's. Fuck this shit.

I jumped int he car and fought my way through traffic to the only highway that takes a man out of this dirty burg. West. And I put the hammer down to. I was doing 120 between here and Raleigh, hit I-85 and just kept on steamin'. The Appalachians wooshed by in a flurry of banked s-curves and before I knew it. I headed south down the highway and ran into 59, where the sign said 'New Orleans'. Sounded as good as any other, so I dropped into first and left a small pile of smoldering rubber in Tennessee. It was the only thing I had left on me.

I guess we hit Nawlins toward seven am. WE meaning me and the hitchiker I picked up in Mississippi. I mean really, I couldn't have left her there right? It was fucking Mississippi. Plus she was hot. And by hot I mean young, eager, stupid, rich , and impressionable. We checked into this downtown place right up the block form the Best Western on Bourbon. It was this old french house or something. Soon as I saw it I knew I'd get laid for sure.

We hit town adn filled ourselves with Hurricanes, Hand Grenades, and Zydeco. I don't think I've ever been so hammered and disoriented in my entire life. Swear to god I got a ride back to my hotel from some dude on a Harley. Showed up at the hotel room and the bitch had split. Mostly she'd split my money between me and her, as well as grabbed a favorite t-shirt of mine. Fine, whatever girl. I'd gotten her credit card number earlier that day when she had left the car to use the bathroom. Figured I might aas well stay the night, so I called roomservice and packed up the leftovers in my bag.

Being through with women and all, on account of their mostly lecherous behavior, I made tracks for Vegas. I figured if there was any place a man could make it, it would have to be there. I spent an ungodly eternity driving across cornfeilds, plains, open mesa, mountain passes and desert before I finally entered the city. It was bittersweet because I was glad to be somewhere, but sad to be so happy to see a place like Las Vegas Nevada.

I went to the bank and acquired a small business loan. I told them I wanted to start a bar and entertainment complex. They thought sports bar, I was planning something else. I now run the only live sex show in the United States. I knew Nevada'd be the only state that would allow it, and after greasing the right wheels with that small business loan and investing a small amount of my own capital; I was on my way. We sell t-shirts, high priced drinks, exorbitant tickets; hell we got private skyboxes for the real freaks (but those come at a good price too). I guess I've made it pretty good for myself, what with all the money and sex that surrounds me. But I find myself looking for something simpler. Looking for something that I had a while back, but got sick of.

That's when I begin to wonder if humans torture themselves their whole lives with the grass on the other side of the fence. Maybe we just want what we can't have - even though we know it's what we can't have and we know we just want it because we can't have it. Then I think, we are some fucked up monkeys.

Posted by: Id at 08:34 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 661 words, total size 3 kb.

Or if prayers aren't your style you could work up a bit of mojo. Transfer some good karma? At least think some happy thoughts.

Sorry I can't tell you who it's for, what it's about or why it's needed. It's just not my story to tell. Direct it to me and I'll make sure it gets where it's going. I can assure you it's for a good cause.

Posted by: Jim at 08:39 AM | Comments (15) | Add Comment
Post contains 76 words, total size 1 kb.

Went to return some coffee and found all three urinals full of piss! Woo hoo!

I am surrounded by scum.

In other news, it's moving day. We're heading to our new offices all of 1.2 miles down the road. In typical fashion it's a bit of a cluster fuck. There were supposed to be functional servers over there this morning so the people who planned ahead and obeyed the order to disconnect all computers before COB yesterday would be able to work from the new office.

Not.

So I'm back at the old place listening to 100 people packing up their shit instead of working in quiet solitude. Bah.

Posted by: Jim at 08:36 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 111 words, total size 1 kb.

Our last grilling session:

(Click for big size)

By "last" I mean "most recent" of course. We're full on into grilling season now so this is a fairly common occurence.

The burgers you see there aren't just any old hamburgers - they're Jimmy Burgers™, my world famous recipe. I'd be happy to share the ingredients with you but then I'd have to kill you.

No, wait. It's the recipe for my chili con carne I'd have to kill you for. I'm free to share this recipe. Except that I can't. Because there isn't one.

The actual ingredients of the Jimmy Burger™ vary widely depending on my mood, relative sobriety and what's in the kitchen.

Burgers aren't a science, y'all. They're an art form.

Getting hungry Bou?

Posted by: Jim at 03:37 PM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
Post contains 134 words, total size 1 kb.

1 Mmmm mmmm! That's some grillin' pR0n, right there. What is that, the Charmaster 5000?

Posted by: Margi at June 09, 2005 05:44 PM (nwEQH)

2 Dagnabbit, Margi stole the joke I was gonna make!!!! Well, OK. Hmmm. Nope. I got nothing. Meanwhile, save me a dog.

Posted by: Elizabeth at June 09, 2005 07:20 PM (l673m)

3 Soon as I saw that picture I thought... "Ooooh, I'm gonna have me some of that!"

Posted by: Bou at June 09, 2005 11:21 PM (z7nbM)

4 "relative sobriety" is the reason that I can't grill anything the same way twice.

Posted by: Frick at June 09, 2005 11:40 PM (Xczbc)

5 WTH is going on here, you cant grill with propane, real grilling is done with FIRE from WOOD, or second best with charcoal (none of that BS matchligh shtuff eather use a chimeny and do it right, or in a pinch coconut husks brickets.

Posted by: YankeetechinGermany at June 10, 2005 03:14 AM (7IZfE)

6 Grilling is over anything got. You're thinking of barbequeing. Such delectability is in the future. For now we got the big-ass gassy.

Posted by: Jim at June 10, 2005 05:22 AM (oqu5j)

7 I'm pretty sure you shared your chilli recipe with the world Jim ... does this mean I'm dead?

Posted by: Rob at June 10, 2005 05:24 AM (kXZI6)

8 That was my chile entree recipe. The chile con carne is still a state secret.

Posted by: Jim at June 10, 2005 07:08 AM (oqu5j)

9 I have a special recipe for burgers that seems to go over pretty well with the general public. Enough that I get requests for them.

Posted by: Contagion at June 10, 2005 08:25 AM (Q5WxB)

10 For fifty bucks a person I'll tell you the receipe.Also,there will be an auction on my site later.(Now behave DUKE!!!). ;-)

Posted by: LW at June 10, 2005 11:13 AM (oqu5j)

11 Propane is for girlie-men.

Posted by: Victor at June 13, 2005 11:05 AM (L3qPK)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

RP is working the Hollywood cliché angle. Hop on over and let him know your favorites.

Posted by: Jim at 09:23 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 20 words, total size 1 kb.

Rachel Ann is looking for a few good men.*

She's also looking for some guest bloggers to fill in while she galavants about Israel on a ten day family vacation. Interested? Of course you are!

* Dirty, dirty girl.

Posted by: Jim at 09:00 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 43 words, total size 1 kb.

Da rules: I post an anecdote that may or may not be true. You guess which it is, based on your knowledge of me and my curious ways. Whoever gets it right gets a point when the contest closes. Here we go:

Fishkill

Y'all know what a fishkill is, right? It's when an aquatic ecosystem crashes and the fish die. The cause can be just about anything - pollution, algae bloom, silt, mud from rains, etc. more...

Posted by: Jim at 08:19 AM | Comments (18) | Add Comment
Post contains 680 words, total size 4 kb.

1 This sounds like a load of carp, er crap. I can picture someone actually doing it, but there are logistic holes in the story, which may have been left out intentionally or due to age forced memory lapses. I'm still saying this is a scam.

Posted by: Contagion at June 08, 2005 08:31 AM (Q5WxB)

2 I am saying it's a Share, cause it's something any boy of youth would do. Actually I know a couple of boys that did just that in their youth.

Posted by: Machelle at June 08, 2005 09:22 AM (ZAyoW)

3 I say share. Although, it sounds like it should be in the movie Stand by Me.

Posted by: Tiffani at June 08, 2005 09:45 AM (KE4Gu)

4 Share, it sounds too much like something I did as a youth and I'm just hoping I'm not the only strange one out there.

Posted by: phin at June 08, 2005 10:30 AM (Xvpen)

5 This close. Very, very close. The problem is that you know how to write. It makes these exercises tough. I'm going with...share.

Posted by: Paul at June 08, 2005 10:51 AM (vbP6L)

6 SHAM SHAM SHAM! Its far to fishy a tail to be legit

Posted by: Rob at June 08, 2005 11:14 AM (kXZI6)

7 I'm going with Share again. How ironic that you would post a story about a fishkill though, since I JUST read in our local newspaper that there were over 1000 fish dead in McDill Pond. Young boys. Dead fish. The boys are not afraid of a lil stench and slime. Gotta be share.

Posted by: Denise at June 08, 2005 12:27 PM (JTlEe)

8 Sham. The story is just a shade into the plausible zone, so it's got to be a sham. No carp.

Posted by: Jeff at June 08, 2005 12:44 PM (ujYyI)

9 Sham.

Posted by: Victor at June 08, 2005 01:43 PM (L3qPK)

10 Sham.

Posted by: Clancy at June 08, 2005 04:20 PM (JxYJc)

11 going with share.... not sure why, though...

Posted by: caltechgirl at June 08, 2005 09:17 PM (eV5t9)

12 I am going to go with share...

Posted by: Wendy at June 09, 2005 12:26 AM (lVGGv)

13 *crossing fingers* Share?

Posted by: songstress7 at June 09, 2005 01:34 AM (ie93s)

14 I gotta go with sham on the dividing of the cousin ranks alone.

Posted by: Helen at June 09, 2005 02:37 AM (Smwda)

15 share. but I wonder about that quote at the end... a bit of brilliance or what started the story and it really isn't true? I still go with share.

Posted by: vw bug at June 09, 2005 11:57 AM (n+JjT)

16 SHAM! A fish story, Jim. Fish-ayyyy.

Posted by: Margi at June 09, 2005 05:47 PM (nwEQH)

17 Crap. I love these, but I hate these. I never know. This so sounds like something a bunch of boys I know would do... not my boys, they're germ phobes... but lots of other boys. Sham. It's too stinky.

Posted by: Bou at June 09, 2005 11:27 PM (z7nbM)

18 I say sham. Would sound like fun, but the stench of dead fish is a little too much to believe. I would HOPE you wouldn't have been that nasty...

Posted by: diamond dave at June 11, 2005 10:09 AM (5qKGR)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

The Available Time Fairy has yet to make an appearance, precluding my writing up fantastically amusing anecdotes for your amusement. Instead, I'll give you a relatively dry bullet point presentation of the trip. Hey, I'm in project management now. This is how it's done.

• Da plane! - Had an excellent trip. All three boys behaved like angels for the entire 12 hours of travel. Lovely Wife and I kept waiting for the bomb to drop but it never arrived. It must have been using a French targeting system.
• Airport - They've got the cutest little airport in Spokane! I wanted to just put it in my pocket and take it home with me. It's an International airport because they fly to California.
• "Spokane" - They pronounce it all funny. It should be "spo-cane", right? Nope, they pronounce it "spo-can". I kept pronouncing it the right way and anytime a local looked at me like I was a tourist I told them if they want to pronounce it "spo-can" then they had to get rid of the "e" at the end.
more...

Posted by: Jim at 01:13 PM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
Post contains 1495 words, total size 9 kb.

1 I am ready to go back......I fucking miss that place and all the cool folk there!!

Posted by: LW at June 07, 2005 03:59 PM (oqu5j)

2 Hell,I think I could actually live in WA state.Not in Spokane,but there are awesome places.The scenery is wild,its got all you need:Ocean,Mountains therefore skiing,surfing....you name it.If it just wouldn't rain so damn much there and liberals would shut up a bit more.LOL Can't even smack your kid upside the head there!

Posted by: LW at June 07, 2005 04:08 PM (oqu5j)

3 Sounds like a great trip, Jim! I'm really happy you had such an excellent time.

Posted by: RP at June 07, 2005 05:28 PM (LlPKh)

4 LMFAO @ LW. Yeah, you could live here. But anywhere else but Spo-caine is pretty much "blue," I think. And -- did you REALLY SAY YOU MISS US?! *sniffle* No. . .. I'm all right. . . .just somethin' in my eye. . . I don't know WHEN or HOW, but we WILL -- AS GAWD AS MUH WITNESS -- figure out some way to visit ya'll on your turf. After all, it's our turn, natch. xoxo

Posted by: margi at June 07, 2005 07:48 PM (nwEQH)

5 When my oldest stepsister got married, my mother's comment on the success of the wedding were priceless. She said, "No one fell down or said fuck." Jim, thanks for giving us the details. It sounds like a good time was had by all, just as it should be.

Posted by: knpepper at June 07, 2005 07:49 PM (pupre)

6 I'm prepared to overlook your comment about Canadians but just barely.

Posted by: knpepper at June 07, 2005 07:51 PM (pupre)

7 LMAO Margie.....we saw the stickers at Boo Radley's!GWB....Global Whoring Bastard.....hehehe Anyways......I guess we'll just have to hold a Bloggers collection to get y'all here.Afterall......Airtran flies you ANYWHERE (but Spokane).

Posted by: LW at June 07, 2005 09:31 PM (oqu5j)

8 Wait! There are those of us with Estrogen that will eat ice cream for breakfast! It's a dairy product... as is milk that you put on cereal... for breakfast... therefore it is OK. As is cake. Cake... doughnuts... No diff. This is probably why I am currently trying to lose weight. Hmm.

Posted by: Boudicca at June 07, 2005 10:43 PM (z7nbM)

9 "Home again, home again, jiggedy-jig " Good Evening JR... Blad Runner.

Posted by: pylorns at June 08, 2005 10:32 AM (FTYER)

10 "Home again, home again, jiggedy-jig " Good Evening JR... Blade Runner.

Posted by: pylorns at June 08, 2005 10:33 AM (FTYER)

11 "To market, to market to buy a fat pig. Home again, home again, jiggedy-jig." Very old nursery rhyme.

Posted by: Jim at June 08, 2005 11:14 AM (tyQ8y)

12 God, i love hillbillies. ;-)

Posted by: Pam at June 12, 2005 09:12 PM (ErGvS)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

Remember me?

(click thumnail to enlarge)

Time to reveal the winners!
more...

Posted by: Diamond Dave at 09:18 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 90 words, total size 1 kb.