I really dislike those pithy little sayings like "A picture paints a thousand words" and "Three times is a charm". People tend to take them as actual maxims of life, giving them far more weight than they could possibly merit, simply because they are well known. They absolve people of the burden of rational thinking and justifying their arguments. Instead of arguing and proving a point, just throw an idiomatic saying at it.

Take "Three times is a charm" for example. People throw this one out to escape culpability for screwing the pooch twice. They wouldn't be on time three if they hadn't royally fucked up time one and time two. more...

Posted by: Jim at 08:02 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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So I read today that Ayatollah Ali Khameini has stated that, among other things, spanking the monkey during Ramadan is a no-no. Well, unless it's unintended masturbation and/or you don't jizz; in which case it's just an accident. I'm not sure exactly how one masturbates without the intention of masturbating, let alone how all this goes on without sealing the deal, as it were. I mean, in all honesty, if I had to go a month without releasing the hounds; that shit would probably happen in my sleep. The body has a way of taking care of itself, you know. I guess I could never be a good Muslim.

Which, that being said, I was never really a good Catholic either. Because I'm pretty sure I've never lasted an entire Lent without, in the Ayatollah's words; 'discharging'.

Anyways, my awesome idea. You can't keep beer in a freezer, and I can't set the fridge low enough to keep my beer suitable cold without making the veggies and other items too cold. Apparently, it's lonely being a cold brew.

So I came up with an idea that will help keep my beer perfectly cold, without having to get entangled in the whole 'two fridge' situation. See, I bought a length of that large plastic flex-piping that people use for dryer exhaust. Then I cut a hole in the side of the freezer, right where the ice maker is. I cut the spigot off of a large funnel, and attached it to the end of the hose. Now, I have an automatic ice machine for my beer cooler. Just need to get some of that insulation stuff to wrap around the plastic flexpipe.

However, the house we're moving into has a full wet bar with it's own refridgerator; so this whole setup is merely temporary.

Except for the hole in the side of the freezer. I haven't figured out how I'm going to get that one past the landlord. So, you know, any ideas are greatly appreciated.

Posted by: shank at 03:33 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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In the middle of my second day of all day meetings about how to beat project Lizzie Borden into a semblance of order I received an instant message from another one of my clients.

Carol says: do you or any of your cronies know if we're moving to IPv6? it's a discussion topic in one of my classes this week.

Jim says: IPv6 has been an approved standard for a decade. Nobody is going to go through the pains of implementing it until weÂ’re all out of IP addresses. Then it will be a huge rush to implement, just like Y2K compliance was. There will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth. Doomsayers will spin tails of woe about all electronic transactions failing and the crash of the Internet porn industry causing global financial collapse.

Jim says: Then after nothing much happens for a while the news will refocus on terrorism and the latest Gallup poll showing that 47% of registered voters really arenÂ’t qualified to pick their noses much less a president and the whole IPv6 story will fade to its proper place as a Trivial Pursuit question.

Carol says: you're a bit cynical

Jim says: Flatterer!

Two things jumped out at me when I reread this. First, I'm the only person I know who uses capitalization and punctuation in instant messages. Second, I'm a geek of godlike proportions.

Posted by: Jim at 07:57 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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Spinster-
Your rackets are leaving tomorrow or the next day. However, there was a small problem.

See, I spotted this box at the loading dock at work that I thought would fit. I mean, I was just eyeballing it; and figured it would do fine. So I bring it home and wouldn't you just know that bastard was one fucking inch to short. Well, not to be outdone by corrugated cardboard, I dug out my McGuyver skills.

Needless to say, you'll be recieving a slightly oddshaped package in the next few days. And I didn't have any newspaper (seriously, who reads hard copy anymore?) to pack it in, so you can thank me later for the free issue of FHM. Of course, it's no longer bound; but I'm pretty sure each page is numbered so you could just sort the peices.

Posted by: shank at 06:49 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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So I was hearing in the blogosphere today that Spain has decided to 'tone down' a celebration that has been going on for quite a while. Apparently, the Spaniards were dominated for centuries by Muslim overlords. You know, the whole 'spread religion by the sword' type of folks. They regained independance, and for the past; oh, five hundred years or so have celebrated escape from the Reconquista by filling pinatas with fireworks and blowing those bitches up. That is, pinatas fashioned after Mohammed himself.

more...

Posted by: shank at 06:41 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I'll never understand why some organizations choose their mascots. A mascot should stir admiration. It should be noble, but at the same time ready to dispatch it's competitors with extreme prejudice. Apparently, there are a few folks out there who didn't get the memo. To wit:

Blue Jays, Cardinals, Ducks, Orioles, and any other bird that is not a bird of prey. There's nothing about any of these creatures that rouses one's competitive spirit. Seriously, what kind of pussy runs onto the field screaming "GOOO RED-BREASTED PLOVERS!!"

Same with Beavers, Terrapins, or Turtles. Are these animals even carnivorous?

Inanimate objects are beyond stupid, and it is in this category that we find the most undeniably idiotic team mascot in the history of organized athletics: The Buckeyes. For a top seded football team, you'd think they might consider opting for a team mascot that's something other than a nut. Like maybe a fire hydrant. At least you could spray the shit out of someone with a fire hydrant. What the hell are you going to do with that nut? Bake some fucking cookies? Same goes for the Syracuse Orange. Seriously, I thought the term Orangemen was in reference to a group of transient northeastern citrus workers known for their ferocity and spirit in battle. Unfortunately, it's just an orange. Christ on a bicycle.

Notice here, that I haven't made mention of odd mascots. You know, the Tennesee Volunteers, the Purdue Boilermakers, the New York Knickerbockers. The thing is, at least these mascots have a locally relevant, historically significant story behind them. Unlike, say, the USC Trojans. Last time I checked, there was no historical record of a band of Trojan warriors settling in the greater Los Angeles area.

Clothing items. Seriously, if all you've got to be proud of are a pair of red or white socks; that's sad.

There's one that I just don't get though. The Crimson Tide. If that's a reference to the algal bloom that occasionally chokes aquatic ecosystems; that's fuckin' harsh. At that rate, it's only a matter of time before we have the Anaheim AIDS or the Cleveland Chlamydia. As sure as I am that everyone in Cleveland probably has chlamydia; I don't think it's something they'd opt to name one of their teams.

Posted by: shank at 09:21 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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