May 09, 2006
May you find your end in Hell
Next to Carrot Top.
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Boredom, like the sound
of snow falling around me,
comforts and quiets.
- - - - - - -
I suck at haiku,
hated poetry in school.
Today, I still do.
----
Hey, that last one rhymed. Maybe I'll go warm up some eggrolls.
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May 05, 2006
HereÂ’s a gallery of great photos.
One of these things would look great hanging from my rearview.
Ebay, here I come.
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ItÂ’s Friday and that means IÂ’m writing about cultural pursuits. Today weÂ’re tackling wine. YouÂ’d be surprised how little you need to know before you can act like a jackass or impress a skank.
LetÂ’s start with the fundamentals. YouÂ’ve got your reds and youÂ’ve got your whites. Champagne is beyond the scope of this article and blush is a joke that no elitist would ever tolerate (unless someone gave me a box for free). Since this topic is vast, this week were going to talk exclusively about red wines.
Interesting Fact
HereÂ’s a tip you may not know. Some very fine wines now come with screw caps. Due to problems with cork, more and more wineries have begun using screw on caps, which actually do a great job. No oxidation and no corked wine.
I would be impossible to impart the whole of my wine knowledge in brief, smart-assed article so IÂ’m going to skip over a lot of vital information about pairing wine to food. Instead just remember that a very bold red wine may overpower your palette if youÂ’re eating something delicate.
Red wines are classified in several ways: dry, sweet, heavy, light as well as by varietals and region. Sweet wines are for pussies. If you suspect you might be a pussy, you should probably order a Pinot Noir or a Zinfandel as opposed to a real wine, like Cabernet.
In order to make things practical: If you go to a decent steakhouse like MortonÂ’s or Ruth's Chris the most appropriate wine choice is Cabernet. ItÂ’s really that simple. A nice heavy cab is the perfect accent to a New York Strip. When youÂ’re ensconced in a high leather backed booth ordering rare meat, it really is the only choice unless youÂ’re a pussy.
There are some people out there who insist on drinking merlot. I used to tease people who drank merlot until that stupid movie came out and now it’s become passé. In my opinion, merlot is for people who are just starting to enjoy red wines. They can be very smooth and unassuming and I can understand that to some people, any wine that doesn’t taste terrible to them is a good wine. But the fact is, as your palette becomes more educated, you’ll realize that merlots do not have the complexity that a good cab provides. I find them boring. It’s like a virtuoso musician forced to play country music. It’s so simplistic that it’s a tiresome bore.
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May 04, 2006
I really want to know.
First of all, these things have a way of coming back to haunt you. ItÂ’s undeniable. Secondly, I donÂ’t understand the appeal. I hate having my picture taken. IÂ’m talking about still photos, fully clothed. When I see a picture of myself I cringeÂ…and itÂ’s been said IÂ’m not too hard on the eyes.
I just canÂ’t imagine watching a videotape of myself having sex.
I would have to sit there and critique my own performance. How could I not? How could anybody not? I find the concept incomprehensible.
Why am I making that face? I shouldnÂ’t bend my neck like that. Look at my hair.
Yet some people make these things habitually. What am I missing? Is there something wrong with me?
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Now it appears theyÂ’ve got snipers waiting in the woods. This chick went for the bouquet and got shot.
On a related note, nothing gives me more pleasure than when a crass, drunken idiot catches the garter and a shy, demure lass in revealing clothing catches the bouquet. When the guy starts pushing that thing up the girlÂ’s leg everybody in the place is uncomfortable. The drunks are shouting and the uptight relatives are holding their breath and the chick looks like sheÂ’d rather be tied to a red ant mound and than have Cletus come at her with the garter.
And as the video rolls she desperately tries to mentally transport herself away from the scene while Cletus, whoÂ’s been doing shots for several hours, threatens to cross the line. ItÂ’s always been my favorite part, save the times I had to do it. I found it almost as humiliating as the girl.
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For starters, my idea of an obedient dog most likely differs from other peopleÂ’s. For some reason a lot of people allow their dogs to bark incessantly, jump on people, dry hump people and assume youÂ’re cool with it. IÂ’m not.
Some peopleÂ’s dogs bark at every other dog that comes near them. Not the dogÂ’s fault mind you; most people canÂ’t take car of themselves let alone a pet. When I think of a dog I think of a friendly lab or golden retriever sitting quietly at my feet happy and panting. Unfortunately, a lot of dog owners have nasty, yapping half feral rat dogs that bark continuously with impudence.
So now they have a brilliant plan to let people bring dogs to patio restaurants, where they can piss and shit where people eat. And before you call me an asshole, remember that I love dogs. While your dog may be gentle and obedient, the guy down the street may have a completely different idea about his dog’s behavior. I’ve said it many times—most people are assholes. And you know what? So are their dogs.
I can see it now, little kids and strange dogs put together in a dining environment. Pitt bulls and yappy rat dogs, owners constantly yelling at their pets and waiters having to work around it all. Sounds great, huh?
Some people advance ideas that are so stupid I cannot fathom how they get by in the world. ItÂ’s shaking my faith in Darwin.
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May 03, 2006
Most people had one set of clothes. They slept in them, they worked in them and God knows what else. Their underwear must have been absolutely disgusting.
I suppose the rich and the nobility took a lot of baths, but the average serf must have stunk to the high heavens.
I really need to focus my thoughts in a more productive direction.
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Oddly, I donÂ’t read any of the most popular blogs, right or left, because I think everyone is full of shit, but IÂ’m a jaded bastard and my interests modulate weekly. He also points out something I noticed recently myself:
Looking at the ranks now, I'm amazed at how things are changing. People who used to count on 10,000 visits per day are sucking along at 4,000. Blogs I am sure I've never heard of are in the twenties and thirties. What a fickle public we have.
The dynamic has certainly changed. IÂ’m sure much of it has to do with the fact that new blogs are springing up at the rate of one million per day or something. And of course most of them suck. A lot of people still think theyÂ’re famous, by whose standards I surely donÂ’t know. A lot people still think theyÂ’re going to be discovered, like this whole thing is some kind of digital ShwabbÂ’s Drug Store. And some people are still trying to make a buck without actually working, what I like to call Ralph Kramden Syndrome. And some people think theyÂ’re running a media conglomerate:
I see Wizbang has offshoot blogs now, and apparently they're pumping up their traffic count by putting the same Sitemeter code on every blog! Of course, it's possible that every one of their blogs was averaging 34,482 visits as of TLB's last snapshot. It could happen. Quantum mechanics tells us things like that happen. I wonder if I could get all my friends to put my Sitemeter code on their blogs. Then I could charge $900 for a BlogAd.
I live for stuff like that. I think most of us who’ve been around three years or more have pretty much stopped trying. I stopped trying a couple of years ago. It’s tiresome. Leaving comments and linking people who post complete shite—the whole thing stinks of prostitution.
Many have matured. Folks who used to link every day are now writing more and I have a lot more respect for that. I find it hard to believe that people still check the ecosystem. I guess thatÂ’s one thing thatÂ’ll never change; the enormous ego of the blogger.
One thing IÂ’ve learned over the past few years is that being a link whore is futile. I also learned how to maintain a narrative, and through forced daily writing IÂ’m able to write other things much easier. IÂ’ve submitted writing to people and have had checks mailed to me, which is what IÂ’d hoped for from the start. IÂ’ve developed a lot of friendships as well.
Of course IÂ’ve angered people, run off JimÂ’s readers and been called a lot of nasty names too. ItÂ’s a fickle thing, blogging. And IÂ’m oddly at home in my obscurity.
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May 02, 2006
However, every once in a while I find myself worked up about something and I need to get it off my chest. Today, itÂ’s the worldÂ’s largest, stinkiest, gaping asshole: the president of Persia. I wonÂ’t type his name here because I find it personally offensive. This guyÂ’s been running around waving his bare ass in everyoneÂ’s face for a long time.
When the leader of a country keeps telling the world that another country, in this case Israel, needs to be wiped off the map, I take issue with it. YouÂ’d think that everyone would take issue with it, but youÂ’d be wrong. Plenty of other world leaders donÂ’t really care, for a variety of reasons.
Regardless, it really gets under my skin that this walking, talking rectum gets immunity from the world while he constantly threatens civilization. Today one of his underlings stated:
"We have announced that wherever America does something evil, the first place that we target will be Israel," Revolutionary Guards Rear Admiral Mohammad-Ebrahim Dehqani was quoted as saying by Iran's student news agency ISNA.”
Well, IÂ’m here to tell you that if Israel feels threatened enough, theyÂ’re going to take action. I donÂ’t know if it will be a strike on the nuke lab or one shot to that assholeÂ’s head, but itÂ’s coming.
Sorry. Back to regularly scheduled idiocy.
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Most bloggers never created any serious plan or anything. They just started blogging, and in many cases they started on blogspot or something and I think they chose a name in thirty seconds or less. And thatÂ’s always a bad move. Long term decisions shouldnÂ’t be made in fifteen seconds while youÂ’re trying to register on blogspot and watching for your bossÂ’s office door to open at the same time.
The ones I find to be horrifically bad are the long tongue twisters like “Ramblings of Inter-terrestrial Musings of Thoughts of an Introspective Geek.” You get the picture. In fact, don't use any of those words if you're starting a blog.
IÂ’m not too thrilled with the puns on political parties either. The whole right and left act is stale an unimaginative. Unlike Shank, I donÂ’t have a problem with eponymous blog names. ItÂ’s honest and straight forward.
Blog names are important. I simply will not visit a blog if the blog name is shitty, boring or cliché. I think a lot of people know they fucked it up but it’s hard to change once it’s out there.
My advice for anyone starting a blog these days is stay away from the words:
Rantings, ramblings, thoughts, right, left and “the.” It’s been done. And re-done.
In addition, don’t look through the dictionary or thesaurus for long words with too many syllables. Certainly don’t look in the thesaurus for new versions of rambling, raving and thoughts. In fact, stay the fuck away from all words beginning with the letter “R.”
There. Now off you go.
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May 01, 2006
On a related note, have you ever watched a really bad TV commercial from a major company and think to yourself, “Who the fuck signed off on that?”
IÂ’m not talking about low budget local ads; IÂ’m talking about Fortune 500 companies. It makes me wonder how people can put out complete shit and still keep their jobs. And you know the thingÂ’s been screened by the biggest of wigs in many cases because the placement contracts are for a gazillion dollars. There are enough of these things out there in rotation where you must know what IÂ’m talking about. Confusing ads where you donÂ’t even know what product theyÂ’re selling, bad jinglesÂ…the whole nine yards.
I know that many things are subjective, but Christ, almost everybody has a benchmark for just plainbad. You know it when you see it. And I can picture a bunch of jackholes sitting around a conference table at the agency, slapping each other on the back and taking notes as they murder someoneÂ’s budget. And back at the ranch when they preview the 30 second spot, the head jackhole, the overpaid, under qualified friend of a nepotistic friend nodding approvingly, because it was, after all, his responsibility to relay the expectations and message to the ad agency.
I play these scenarios out in my head a lot. Sometimes IÂ’ll be sitting in front of the TV completely spaced out for five or ten minutes and then realize IÂ’ve been writing the back story for a bad commercial. I can see the faces of these people sitting around the conference room brainstorming, making critical errors, scratching their noses. ItÂ’s very real. Times like that make me realize how much I could benefit from a good prescription.
Take twice a day or as needed for unexplainable insanity.
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ItÂ’s the International Federation of Competitive Eating. I reckon that competitive eating must have needed an international federation. AnywayÂ…
One guy ate over 32 grilled cheese sandwiches in ten minutes. And while part of me wants to congratulate him on an outstanding achievement, part of me canÂ’t help but wonder how many days it took for him to have a normal bowel movement.
Another guy ate six pounds of Spam right out of the can in twelve minutes. SIX POUNDS in twelve minutes. Can you imagine the digestive tract after that? Do you go right from the contest to the hospital or what?
Take a look at the “Eater Profiles” because it’s priceless.
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My wife declared that the pots and pans weÂ’ve been cooking with since Christ was a carpenter have been slowly poisoning us over the years. During the first years of our marriage we werenÂ’t serious cooks. Before the kid came along we mostly dined out and neither of us had a clue. We had this really cheap set of non-stick cookware that was really old and it looked like weÂ’d used them for moving gravel from the front yard to the back.
My wife noted that all the scratches in the Teflon was probably eating my brain and that cooking in aluminum, if thatÂ’s even what it was, was as bad as eating lead paint chips. Since I need what little brains I have we went out and bought a decent set of Calphalon pots and pans that wonÂ’t slowly kill us.
I was shocked by two things. Price and performance. These things cost an arm and a leg, but you really see the difference when you use them. Since those early years my old lady really learned to cook like a pro. I dabble. And when I say dabble, I mean I buy really expensive ingredients and then ruin them and call for take out with a huge mess in the sink. Anyway, even I can cook with these because they heat evenly and my big problem was always controlling the heat.
And then we have James Michener. I thought IÂ’d read every book ever published on this planet but alas, IÂ’ve never read this guy until this week. I had no idea who he was or what heÂ’d written until my wife came home with Caribbean, Journey and Chesapeake. I love historical novels and had no idea what I was missing. I think he got a Pulitzer for Tales of the South Pacific. Luckily heÂ’s written a wheelbarrow full of books so IÂ’ve got something to go on for a while.
So, Michener and Calphalon. Not a bad weekend for the boy.
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April 28, 2006
I was a strange kid. I played sports and did normal stuff but frankly, most of my time was spent reading books. It was a serious addiction from a very early age. We had these encyclopedias that were in book formÂ…I donÂ’t know how else to explain it. It was a set of maybe fifteen volumes with titles like Great Civilizations, Countries of the World, etc.
I was seriously hooked on these things and I probably read them soup to nuts about fifty times between the ages of eight and sixteen. Back then there were no PCs or video games so reading and playing music was how I spent my time. In the course of reading these encyclopedias I developed interest in all sorts of things. I vividly remember reading about countries in Europe and looking at all the pictures of these castles—I was hooked. I made up my mind that I had to go see the Rhine River in Germany and visit these castles. I started saving money, cutting lawns and shoveling snow and when I was sixteen I went to Europe on a school trip with my German class and there they were. It was fantastic. And while I was there I saw a lot of art, churches of all kinds and the snowball effect was irreversible.
And I went back to the books and learned more and wanted to see more. I never listened to classical music as a kid, I listened to Led Zeppelin. But the books talked about classical music and different composers and one day I decided to give it a shot. Unfortunately, I was so bored by it that it was painful. I decided that in order to give it a chance, I would listen to it every day for thirty minutes to see if sunk in. Day in and day out I did this. Just put on NPR and listened and eventually they played pieces that I really did enjoy and once I sorted out the different composers and periods I came to love it. It took longer for opera, but I came around to that too. I eventually saved enough money to visit Salzburg during the Mozart festival, which was an incredible experience.
To make a long story short I really learned to love music, art and literature.
Granted my knowledge in a lot of these things is shallow in spots. IÂ’m not an expert in anything, but I get a great deal of enjoyment out of these pursuits. Yeah, I take a good bit of ridicule from people I know, but thatÂ’s another story.
What say you people? Any interest at all?
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"As for emotive and evocative power, "93" reminds us why seeing a movie, in a theater, "spellbound in darkness," is a richer experience than seeing a movie on a little screen. The viewer travels somewhere, sits in darkness, and enjoys a collective experience with like-minded people; such pilgrimages have been a staple of human existence for thousands of years. "
BULL. Shit. I have been to a movie theater maybe six times in the past year, and each time was worse than the previous. Richer experience? A collective experience with 'like minded people'? Dude, last weekend the wife and I went to go see Silent Hill, and she almost ended up getting into a fist-fight with these three teenagers in front of us. Three girls who may or may not have even been old enough to be in the show, talking on their cellphones, being generally disruptive.
"Shut up!" hisses the wife.
"O no u di'en."
"Shoo, I wi' come up ova dis chair."
"She don even nu-oh." A chorus of braggadocio typical of the age at which people suffer from 'Idiocy'; or as it's commonly known, adolescence.
The movie ends (an agonizing two hours of gore and hamfisted dialogue. Don't go see the movie, but that's another post), and we collect our things and the two friends seated with us. As we exit the theater, these fucking neanderthals are waiting for her in the hall.
"Bye bitch," says one.
Now, my wife is a bartender. She's not a fighter, but she's also not afraid to call a person's bluff; and she's damn good at it too. I've seen her rattle more than a few drunken idiots right out the back door of her bar. So when this rouster drops the b-bomb on her, she retorts without even breaking stride; "Well, maybe you should learn to shut the fuck up in a movie; instead of talking on your damn cellphone for the first fifteen minutes."
Granted, I wasn't exactly happy that my wife chose to, publicly and without restraint, ride herd on a bunch of kids whose parents obviously failed somewhere along the line; but she was right and she wasn't trying to escalate the situation, so I just kept an eye on things.
Not to mention the seats at just about every movie theater are uncomfortable and the food is a ripoff.
At any rate, the whole premise of going to a movie theater to see a film is so contradictory to the age of technology, that I'm suprised Pinkerton made it such a big part of the article; let alone that it was posted at TCSDaily. I mean, these days I can watch digital quality images on a plasmascreen TV with digital surround sound from the comfort of my own living room; and this tech article is saying that movie-going is "a richer experience than seeing a movie on a little screen"?
Tech Central Station my ass.
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"There will be 2 to 3 million people hitting the streets in Los Angeles alone. We're going to close down Los Angeles, Chicago, New York, Tucson, Phoenix, Fresno," said Jorge Rodriguez, a union official who helped organize earlier rallies credited with rattling Congress as it debates the issue.”
So basically, a large group of people who are here illegally are going to threaten us. Great strategy, huh? I donÂ’t respond to threats well. I donÂ’t know anyone who does.
One of my grandfathers came to this country from Europe with very little. He did it the legal way; waited, applied, got the paperwork, etc. When he got here he immediately went to work at General Motors and attended night school to learn English. When he finally became a US citizen he was the proudest man alive. He worked at that job until the day he dropped dead. He never used a government agency for anything, he was too proud.
Meanwhile, a group of haughty thugs run across the border and start making demands. Hanging the American flag upside down, under an American flag. Now they’re going to “teach us a lesson” by shutting down cities. I guess this is why the third world nations are so fucked up, because of this mentality.
If you read that paragraph I quoted you’ll also see the words “union official.” Go figure.
Apparently IÂ’m not the only one who feels this way:
"It's intimidation when a million people march down main streets in our major cities under the Mexican flag," said Jim Gilchrist, founder of the Minuteman volunteer border patrol group. "This will backfire," he said.”
And the best part about this whole unbelievable fiasco? The California State Senate has given them their blessing.
IÂ’m a middle of the road kind of guy, but this really pushes my buttons. This IS why the third world countries are so fucked up. This mentality is a fucking sickness.
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April 27, 2006
Talk, talk, talk.
I have a nose for incompetence. More importantly, I have the uncanny ability to see through bullshitters. Being a Class A bullshitter in my own right, most common, run-of-the-mill bullshitters donÂ’t stand a chance with me. Yet, down at the office they seem to have an open door policy with these people. And without fail they march in like Garibaldi, waving their arms quoting J.P. Morgan and destroy departments en masse until theyÂ’ve done so much damage financially and personnel wise that by the time theyÂ’ve been shown the door thereÂ’s nothing left but rubble and smoking embers.
This takes place at all levels, from VPs down to lower level management, which is probably the worst. Some people just arenÂ’t leaders. They have no idea how gain respect from colleagues and underlings. They believe it to be either divine right or they fire bullets into the ceiling like Hitler on his beer hall putsch. These people often have no leadership skills, either taught or inbred, yet they believe that they are correct in all things.
I don’t tolerate them. At the first instance of grandstanding I’ll usually let them have it. Yesterday afternoon I was forced to tell someone, in a boardroom in front of many, many important people that, “What Alfred is suggesting will void most of our profitable contacts overseas, run production costs up 36% and leave us vulnerable in the US. In addition, the figures he’s got up on the screen are last year’s numbers, and what’s more, they’re incorrect by over six million dollars. I have here the actual numbers if anyone is interested in seeing them.”
There was a great empty silence while everyone stared at Alfred and then he started stuttering and stammering, but by then everyone was already looking at the numbers IÂ’d provided and good old Alfred was sweating through his poorly cut suit. I suspect that Alfred wonÂ’t last another month. The damage is irreparable.
Alfred has nothing to do with me or my department. IÂ’m above Alfred and I have almost nothing to do with him or his group. HeÂ’s been here all of a month. However, he came to me last week with this master plan, a crossover type thing which had no merit. I told him why it wasnÂ’t a good idea, that he needed to do more research and explained very carefully the mistakes he made in preparation. I really tried to help.
Do you know what Alfred told me? He said, “I’m a big dog with big ideas. You have no idea what’s coming, man.”
I’m not even sure he knew exactly who I was or not, but either way, I dislike his ilk. I didn’t throw him out of my office or lose my temper. I smiled and told him to recheck his numbers. And this morning when he walked by my office I gave him a big, “Morning, Alfred!”
He didnÂ’t reply.
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April 26, 2006
The thing I really love about it is Paula Abdul, who’s obviously high as a kite all the time. Last night she was really wrecked—crying and wailing and the whole nine yards.
Most people donÂ’t want to believe this, but now pictures of her passed out, face down in a club are surfacing. For the most part the talent is mediocre, but thereÂ’s a certain entertainment factor involved here that I canÂ’t deny, albeit itÂ’s not intended by the producers.
As an added treat, one broad popped a button and we got a panty shot.
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