Wooo!

Today was an absolute headspinner. Got up at 3am to pick the finacee up from work. Back home and in bed til 7am. Straight to work, where I finished up a backlog from last week's chest cold. Capital planning meeting at 10:30 across town that was attended by 1 architect, 1 VP, myself, and about four complete blockheads with either: 1) no vision whatsoever, and/or 2) a conflict of interest that runs deeper than a wide reciever who's contract is up. Stategy meeting at 1pm with another divison that was the complete opposite - tackling a much more complex debacle, and attended by folks with a better understanding of our future orientation. bolted from that meeting to my office where I completed some ASAP work that developed from it, then got my shit togeter to meet the tow truck guy back at the university at 4. Towed the heap to my garage, where it'll be ready for pickup tomorrow after work. Drove to the grocery store, picked up a twelver and a few other sundry items. Back home, refusing to move a muscle until tomorrow morning.

Posted by: shank at 05:40 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Friday Blogging

Friday blogging is not something many folks do. Traffic dies on Fridays, people start their weekends, the social aspect of the week begins that blogging satisfies during the droll work week.

Well, I like to blog on Fridays, and will continue to do so. Consider it the yardsale of the blogosphere. Hey, some of it might be junk, but some of it is just what folks are looking for. So sneak a peak every so often over here on Friday's, there just might be something for you.

Today - Normal vs Abnormal

Masturbation - Normal. Granted, I guess not everyone does it, but the majority of people do, making it normal.
Watching yourself in the mirror whilst doing so - Admittedly abnormal. I mean come on; what kind of narcissistic prick gets off on watching themselves at the apex of passion? No wonder you're single!


Conflict - Normal.
Seeking out Conflict - Abnormal. If you go around picking fights, you've obviously got some pent up anger from a conflict you didn't resolve (seek out?) in the past. Quit picking stupid fights and pick the one that matters

Idiots - Normal. As we all know, idiots are a part of life. Most people see them as a burden; we feel like we have to take care of idiots since they're too stupid to take care of themselves. I say, idiot's are God's comic relief for the rest of humanity. I say, fuck the stupid. We carry on and have them make their own way. That way, we can laugh, point, and hope they learn the rules of the game.
Geniuses - Abnormal. For some reason though, everyone seems to either 1) be one or 2) think they know one. This can't possibly be the case, because if there were that many geniuses in the world we would have half as many politicians.

Heterosexual - Normal.
Homosexual - Abnormal. Don't misunderstand me here. I'm not homophobe, nor am I in any fucking way someone who judges folks on their sexual orientation. I'm just saying it's a completey abnormal condition in natural history. Yes, given obtuse environmental conditions some species will become asexual or hemaphroditic. However, this is the exception to the exception to the rule; and we can't ignore the amazingly high incidence of homosexuality in the human species versus all other species in the world. It's absolutely staggering. It's a biological miracle (for those who believe homosexuality is a biological trait).

As always, this isn't about me putting shit out there to convince people or trying to assert my view on others. I'm just trying to encourage discussion. Think about all the things you think are normal, and then try to describe what it is that makes them normal. And don't give me this "Nothing's normal maaaan, it's all relative." I had a hippie friend in college that said that at least twice a week, and everytime he did so I'd piss on his toothbrush that very night. It's a cop-out for people who've given up on understanding the way they think. Anyways, if you really contemplate what it is that you and others consider normal, and then try to figure out how all that became accepted as normal, all this other shit comes out in the wash. It's like cutting a shark's stomach open and finding, amidst the fish bits and detritus, a hubcap from a '72 Granada.

Posted by: shank at 05:36 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Tired

I am so incredibly worn out. With all the developments in my personal and professional life lately, I feel like I've aged 10 years in the past ten months. School'll be over in May though; but it seems like an almost uphill battle until then. I did get quite the upper at work today when my director sideled up to me and said "Your promotion is in the works as. We. Speak." If I'd anything in me I'd have passed the fuck out. So, and I hate to bank on it here, it seems that things should work themselves out here in the immediate future. Hmm. I guess once you get the good job, and get married, and finish school - it seems to spool faster and faster. Cuz then there's a house, kids, bigger workload at the office, schools, etc., etc. Holy shit. And I'm already tired.

Posted by: shank at 09:21 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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This'll be Quick. UPDATED!!

So, still busier than a motherfucker. I did, however, manage to come across something interesting today about Mr. George Galloway. You might remember the British politician and colossal jackass from such hits as 'Even the Labour Party Doesn't Aant My Crazy Ass', "It's All a Pack of Lies", and most recently, 'Okay, So Maybe It Wasn't All A Pack of Lies, But I Dare You to Try Me for Perjury!'. He's also written a book, aptly titled "I'm Not the Only One". I swear to you, that book is real, that's not a joke.

I assume the forward is written by Kofi Annan. Those fuckers. I'mma go get some beer and be right back. WOO!

update: My Rouge Dead Guy Ale, a movie buff if there ever was one, has just informed me that Galloway has signed on to star in a new production this summer; temporarily titled "I'm Going Upstate to Federal Pound-Me-In-The-Ass Prison." Word has it, he'll be co-starring along side Saddam Hussein and "Punk'd" host Aston Kutcher. The latter of whom is apparently "Just along for the free ass-play".

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Breaker Breaker!

This is shank, over. I was BC'd on an email from my director to the VP, copy. Director supports the consideration of a raise for yours truly, over. I'm dug in behind enemy lines, pinned down by a wave of paperwork on the west and an entire night of school on the east, over. I don't know if I'm going to make it out alive. Haven't heard from Paul, and I fear the worst, over. If anyone gets this message, find him first, he blogs better. We can hold our own here on my end for a few more days, but we'll need reinforcements. I'll keep you posted as long as the batteries hold up and we're all here. Shank out.

Posted by: shank at 04:57 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Mmmm... UPDATED!

The fiance went to Sam's Club tonight and found this monster bottle of Riesling. I don't know how she managed to drag this Moby Dick of Teutonic wines back to the house in her compact hatchback, but she did, God love 'er. I had my annual evaluation at work today, and things went well - so I deserve to finish this whole bottle. And when I do, so help me sweet Jesus, at about 11 tonight; I think I'll cork it and have it shipped to NOAA on the back of a flatbed towtruck so they can use it as an open ocean weather buoy.

Hey, I'm just givin' back, you know, from my immense bounty.

Update: Holy shit, we just passed 10,000 hits since June! As my two buddies used to say - Thanks for your support.

Posted by: shank at 08:39 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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Goat Cheese and Gray Matter

I canÂ’t help but notice a shitload of spam in the comments. Shank is asleep at the switch.

Most of you are still using the paul@sanitys-edge email address and that will be dead by tomorrow or Wednesday. Please use the alternative. I would post it here but then IÂ’ll be inundated with offers of cheap hard-on pills and penile enlargement doohickeys, neither of which interests me. If anybody knows how to do that thing with the code where your email address is on the page but in the source it looks like Latin vomit, please speak up and make yourself useful.

For some reason I canÂ’t make a decent Bloody Mary. Either too much Worcestershire or not enough. I guess IÂ’ll have to start actually measuring. I like to use Clamato instead of tomato juice and I add few shrimp so thatÂ’s kind of like a meal.

IÂ’m debating going home for lunch and afternoon sex. And a Bloody Mary.

Did you know that Worcestershire sauce has a disputed history? You might also be interested knowing what that shitÂ’s made out of, namely, vinegar, molasses, corn syrup, water, chilli peppers, soy sauce, pepper, tamarinds, anchovies, onions, shallots, cloves and garlic.

Lea & Perrins, the most popular brand also has a secret ingredient that purportedly gives it an extra kick. TheyÂ’ve kept it a secret since 1837 and theyÂ’re pretty serious about it. According to their slow-ass loading web page, only three or four people know what the secret and itÂ’s been broken up so that no one knows the whole recipe and it involves a lot of secret code words. It takes up to two years to make a bottle of Lea & Perrins and their website makes it all seem very romantic.

Tell me this ainÂ’t good blogging.

The Bloody Mary itself has a distinguished history.

It was first mixed at HarryÂ’s American Bar in Paris, a notorious Hemingway hangout. It was originally made with gin because back in the 20s vodka was not a very popular spirit. The originator took the recipe back to New York where hearty Americans insisted it was a pussified French drink and insisted on adding Tabasco.

Many speculate the concoction was named after Mary Tudor, daughter of Henry VIII who killed off just a shitload of her Protestant adversaries and became known as “Bloody Mary.” Others speculate it was named after a Chicago whore. Since I doubt that many 1920s bartenders were acquainted with the history of the House of Tudor, I’d have to go with the whore theory.

Regardless, itÂ’s one hell of a versatile cocktail and IÂ’d like to have me one as soon as possible.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 09:55 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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Phase two, wherein Paul has nothing

Yeah, IÂ’ve got nothing. And to make matters worse, ShankÂ’s been poking me with a stick, albeit subtly, to make something happen. HeÂ’s becoming Col. Parker and I think heÂ’s afraid IÂ’ll die sitting on the toilet like Elvis.

Perhaps I exaggerate. He sent an email saying, “Hey, what’s up?” But I can read between the lines. He’s thinking that fucker hasn’t been producing. Well, I guess I can’t blame him there.

When this type of situation happens in my professional life, IÂ’m full of articulate responses that generate the required effect even if theyÂ’re complete bullshit. Allow me to simulate them here:

Well, Shank, I’m glad to see you’re rallying the team, and it’s quite timely on your part, as I’ve just put together a proposal that I believe will push us over the top. One of my research teams has concluded that the font we’re using currently is not only unappealing, but subliminally conjures the image of complete ineptitude on our part. Furthermore, the blog is an odd color. It’s somewhat black and somewhat gray. It’s floating in the netherworld between these two colors. Again, as you’ll see from their upcoming report, the research team found that among men ages 24-36, 84% found the current background color “half-assed.”

Of women polled from the same age group, 73% found the background to be, in their words, “shitty.” How quickly can we get Design and IT into a meeting about this? Because frankly, I’m getting some calls from the top and I’m not sure how long I can pacify them.

ThatÂ’s what I usually do at work. Here on the blog I canÂ’t really do that. Here, because of my tenuous position, I must write something. If I don't come up with something soon I'll have to start making shit up about other bloggers and post it with feigned indignance.

Who wants to play How Many Beers?

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 08:10 AM | Comments (33) | Add Comment
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Trivia

UPDATE: Results in the extended entry.

Another post in such a short time might give Victor and Tiffani a heart attack, but I'm willing to take that chance in my vain efforts to get all of you to dance like trained monkeys for me. That's just the sort of selfless fellow I am.

The trivia: What was the little circle doohickey called that you put in the hole of a 45 to play it on a standard record player spindle?

The payoff: 3 points to the person who knows the answer. Some more to the answer than most makes me giggle like a schoolgirl.

The restriction: No searching.*

* I'll do that when I check for the correct answer since I haven't the slightest clue what that thing is called**. Despite the fact that they were an everyday part of my life for two decades.

** Astute readers will interpret this in one of two ways. Either I've recognized this as a cool odd-ball trivia and am taking advantage of it to give out some points or, since I have to look up the correct answer eventually, I'm using the contest thing as a tool in my continual efforts to procrastinate in order to avoid looking up the answer for as long as humanly possible. It's probably a bit of each. more...

Posted by: Jim at 10:10 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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BlogMaintenance

Added a few blogs to the blogroll becuase I visit them on a daily basis. Firstly A Small Victory. Michele runs an entertaining pop culture joint over there, but don't get her wrong. She used to be a pretty political blogger, and has quite a wit about her. Of the bloggers I'd screw, she'd be one of them. If she weren't married to some stud half her age. What a sexy bitch!

Secondly, Outer Life; a supremely written, interesting blog. The guy brings you right into his mind. If I could communicate like that, I'd have you bitches begging me for more.

Posted by: shank at 07:23 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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It's a miracle!

Jim has posted twice in one day! Granted, it's neither your usual bloggy goodness nor your usual bloggy gayness, but for right now, I'm happy with baby steps.

Posted by: Victor at 03:31 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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When Good Bathrooms Go Bad.

I spent most of Friday night and the wee hours of Saturday morning sitting on the porch with a beer in hand, telling stories with friends while Ray Charles did his thing in the background. It was a helluva time, but it left me a little worse for the wear when I got up the next morning.

Usually, a crisp shower helps me regain something resembling composure, so I headed off towards the bathroom. Eyes barely open, I hobble in to the tub, pull the curtain, and start the water. I reached up to tilt the showerhead and point the stream of water further towards the back of the shower. Apparently, I am in such awesome physical condition, that with a mere flick of my wrist I can snap shit in two - because that's exactly what the shower head did. The collar that twists onto the pipe coming out of the wall just cracked from end to end. I muster the kind of garbled, incoherent swearing stereotypically attributed to someone suffering from a hangover.

Water begins spraying all over the place - on the walls and ceiling over the showerhead, in my face, over the curtain rod, everywhere. I'm still swearing, something like "Shitshitshitahhhfuckshitshit etc., and I've got my hands wrapped around the threaded collar to prevent it from spraying everywhere, but I realize immediately that it's exacerbating the situation. Not only can I NOT turn off the water (since both hands are on the leaking head) but the tiny gaps between my fingers and palms are only providing more holes for the damn water to spray out of. Good thing for me, this morning my brain is working as deftly as my rippling, PVC plastic wrending muscles. I lift my right foot up to the shower knob on the wall and try to push the nob down into the 'Off' position. I get my foot up there, and apply gentle pressure to the knob while my hands are wrapped over the shower head above. My left foot slips on the wet bathtub floor and I go airborne.

I guess the pressure I was applying to the knob couldn't be countered by the single foot I was standing on at the time. My left foot slipped forward, and the right foot that was pushing against the shower wall propels me backwards. My grip on the shower head turns the crack in the collar into a shatter, and the entire assembly comes off. We have one of those massage showerheads on a length of hose, so there's quite a lot of debris flying around at this point. When I realize I'm about to knock myself out on the tub floor and drown in my own bathwater, I do what only comes naturally - I reach out for the shower curtain to my left.

I'd like to take a moment here and just say: Yes, I know that was dumb. The second I reached out for the damn thing, I knew it was a dumb move. But I figured it was better than just enjoying the ride.

The curtain rod holds for a split second, my decent stalls, and the curtain in my fist swings just a little further left. Before it snaps. You know how shower curtain rods are - they're held in place by friction basically, braced against the bathroom wall. Well, I guess that slight swing to the left was enough to pull one of the ends out, and I finish the homestretch of my little morning decent. The rod comes clanging down, my ribcage its the rim of the tub, and I damn near knock my gord on the toilet seat. The pipe where the showerhead used to be is still spraying cold water, and the showerhead itself is wrapped around my arm. I groan. I just wanted a shower.

Posted by: shank at 04:23 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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And the Wheels Keep on Turnin'

Well, the final presentation to our clients went off like a bomb. They really appreciated the work we put into it, and said our recommendations really opened their eyes to ways they can manage their growth. Right as I was leaving the president of the client company practically offered me a job. Even if he had been explicit I would have declined; my interests don't really lie in manufacturing right now. But I consider it a hell of a compliment. Apparently, our work is now in the running for some kind of collegiate prize. I'll stay hopeful, but I'm happy with the things we've acheived so far.

In November or so, I start my practicum. I'll be working with one of the residents at the hospital on building a strategic plan for one of the service lines at the hospital. It will take several months, but there's a lot of opportunity with this particular project, and I'm about thrilled with it. I've always wanted to get into strategy and now I've got the chance to really show my stuff.

I'm also putting together an application for an administrative residency at a regional health network. I would basically be working side by side with CEO/CFO/Strategic leaders for a year, and getting paid handsomely as well. The competition for these things is pretty stiff, but I'm confident that given the chance I can really be a viable contender at the least.

That is, if I ever develop the determination to stay past 3pm on a Friday. Have a good weekend biznatches!

Posted by: shank at 04:41 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Beyond Busy

All day tomorrow I have a management skills retreat at a private location with my employer. There goes a day's work hey? In all seriousness I kind of prefer the boondoggle to the daily grind, but don't tell my director.

I'm not sure when we'll be finished at this little seminar, but at five I give a presentation to a client company I've been working with for over a year. I and a few of the crew from grad school have this moonlighting gig as consultants. Anyways, we're presenting the clients with our final findings and recommendations on how they should take the next step in managing their growth. It's exciting to be involved in the process, and I feel like our team knows their company almost as well as they do. I can't help but be afraid sometimes though; that we're going to present something to someone that they think is completely off the wall - at which point the entire pitch will come to a screeching halt, and we will be chased out of the office by a pitchfork-wielding, torch-waving board of directors. Sometimes it's hard to tell how personally business owners are going to take your advice. But this group seems to be on the same page with us. They're ready to grow, willing even, they just need something to help manage and control said change. Well, we'll see what happens tomorrow.

Posted by: shank at 10:20 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Labor Day Weekend II

Friday - Left work early as per my usual summer Friday ritual. ONe day, they'll fire me for it, but until then I persist. Went to the beach, surprisingly great conditions - four to five feet, clean sets. I tried not to suck at surfing for about an hour, gave up and went to the body board for the remainder. Met some friends for beer and pool later that night, closed the bar, fell into something soft (a bed? couch? closet floor?) sometime in the wee hours.

Saturday - Saturday morning and afternoon never really existed. I got out of bed just before five, cooked up some fine gourmet food for the woman and watched movies.

Sunday - Volleyball and beer from noon until about six. Then I had abrief work-related meeting. I don't remember it being to productive because I could only think about getting back to volleyball and beer, but somehow I finished everything I needed to. There was a return to youthful reverie (and not so much to volleyball) sometime around nine pm. I fell asleep in the car and woke up in my bed.

Monday - Minor housekeeping issues, catching up, preparing for the onslaught that will be the next four days. I have finally completed a keystone ananlysis and research project (hence the Sunday meeting of the minds) that I've been working on with a team for the past year or so; and will be beginning another six month project immediately after my presentation a week from now. So I took the time Monday to build up a little momentum for what should be an interesting few weeks.

Posted by: shank at 04:35 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Carnival of Idiots

Okay, I'm not sure how a blog carnival works, but I'm doing one of idiots. Post up links to or stories of the biggest idiots you've ever known; or maybe just idiots ripped from the headlines. There's the usual suspects like Cindy Sheehan, but here are some more:

People Blaming Katrina on Global Warming - Namely, these Germans and RFK Jr. You're all idiots. Glen ('Heh' yourself you pithy pundit you) and the NYT talk hurricane cycles and explain why you're stupid. I mean, other than the fact that you obviously suffer from a mental disease that disallows you to form logically based arguments and that you're probably too ignorant to find your way out of a wet paper bag with scissors in your hands. And a fucking map.

The lady at work who pulled her skirt down to show me her hugely disgusting belly, upon which she had tatooed a pixy. Very classy dear.

Bill. Because he's probably the only person on the internet who knows less about it than I do. It's lonely at the bottom isn't it buddy?

The cellphone=tumor people. You can put away your tinfoil hats and shit now; it's been debunked.

And of course, myself. Because what kind of idiot calls people out via the internet, and expects everyone to agree with him. You fool!

So yeah, if you know of any idiots, post links or trackback with your stories. It's Carnival time!

Posted by: shank at 04:48 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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House cleaning

First thingÂ’s first. I added De to the main blogroll, because anybody who writes a post containing the line, "When i'm masturbating the only time i can come is if i have a lint brush stuck in my ass" certainly deserves to be there.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 09:02 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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"Deliverance" through a twenty year-old filter

Victor here, taking up the slack in Jim's blog while ignoring my own. Since it seems no one got the last stealth point (except for me) I thought I'd give you a quick summary of the Academy Award-nominated movie Deliverance, as remembered through a twenty+ year-old filter:

Ok. These four city guys go on a canoe trip down a river in Georgia or Alabama or West Virginia--someplace where there's a lot of hillbillies. One dude meets this weird-looking kid with a banjo so he pulls out his guitar and they play Dueling Banjos. Then the four guys go down the river some more, but they stop because Ned Beatty has to take a dump or something.

Ned is accosted by these two hillbillies (who, between the both of them, have about three teeth) who force him to undress, then they rape him while making him squeal like a pig. Then the four guys decide to hunt down the rapists. I remember one of them was using a bow and arrow, and I think one of them died, but that's about it. The End.

If you want the full, correct story, it might be best if you just bought it.

Posted by: Victor at 09:37 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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Quality Assurance Specialist needed

This is an insider position at the moment as it won't be posted until I actually leave the slot. If you have experience with software QA and are interested in the position let me know.

Incidentally, I know this site sucks lately. Two reasons. First, I'm hella busy at work and work thoughts have been intruding upon my normal stream of consciousness. That's the background brain noise that writes the stuff that I regurgitate for your reading pleasure. Things will settle down once we've got our new processes defined (yeah, I'm part of the three person team defining our PQA process - sweet, eh?) and fill out the holes in the team. That should be settled in the next couple of weeks. Second, I made the mistake of reinstalling Medieval: Total War. Yeah, I know. I must have accidentally doubled up on my stupid pills that day. I think I'll be done with it as soon as my Spaniards finish annihilating all of Africa and the Middle East.

Almost forgot! I do get a finder's fee if I refer a person who gets a job here so that dinner offer is a definite thing if you can fill out one of the open positions.

Posted by: Jim at 08:20 AM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
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Project Manager needed

We've got two PM positions open. One is mine! Back off! Don't make me cut you.

The other one is open to applications. If you're interested in a PM job and willing to work with me (I'm sure there's some form of salary compensation for that) let me know and I'll send you the particulars.

If I get a finder's fee I'll even take you out to dinner.

Posted by: Jim at 11:55 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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