"You can't beat that with a stick."

Yes you can. You can beat anything with a stick. And for most things a stick beating has a definite effect.

Go ahead, try to think of something that I can't beat with a stick. And let me warn you, if you go for something metaphysical or allegorical or hypothetical I am going to whack the shit out of it with my metaphysical, allegorical, hypothetical stick.

The point is that there was a perfectly good phrase: "You can't beat that."

Simple, to the point, clear meaning. You can't beat that. That can't be bested. This thing I'm talking about is the best. See? It worked.

Then somebody (probably the same jackhole that came up with "eXtreme") decided that the best wasn't enough. We need better than best. Not "you can't beat that". Oh no, that's not enough. We need "you can't beat that, not even with a stick."

It's clever, see? A play on "beat". First we mean "do better than" and then we add that second "beat" for a physical beating component. Well, no. It's not especially clever. It's pretty moronic. The two just don't go together. The original was never meant in a physical sense so adding the bastard addition does nothing but confuse the intent of the phrase.

But then the original and the addition were folded together. "You can't beat that with a stick." No more separation to show the intended play on "beat". Now it's either a blatant literal falsity or a tangenital impossibility, depending on the subject of the phrase. It doesn't mean anything anymore.

It's not clever. It's stupid. Stop using it. Stop encouraging idiocy in my beloved language. What's next? "You can't beat that with an eXtreme stick"?

Oh, the horror. more...

Posted by: Jim at 01:25 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 Slow, deep breaths, Jim. You'll be okay. And hey, it's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, right?

Posted by: G at October 10, 2003 08:31 AM (IOwam)

2 Do you read Terry Pratchett? He did a riff on this about a bar's name.... The Broken Drum (you can't beat it) The Mended Drum (you can be beaten)

Posted by: Robert at October 13, 2003 04:16 PM (EaaGn)

3 Not only are you obsessive and anal retentive but you are also tangenital, which is one of the best typos I've seen in a while.

Posted by: triticale at October 13, 2003 10:01 PM (77+mi)

4 That's no typo. One of my life goals is to completely subborn that word in common usage. Help me with my evil plot and you will be greatly rewarded in the afterworld.

Posted by: Jim at October 14, 2003 09:49 AM (IOwam)

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Hikers Find 70 Shoes Filled With Butter

A Swedish couple hunting on a remote mountain Sunday in Sweden's far northern province of Jaemtland found 70 pairs of shoes, all filled with butter.

He [Alf Kjaellstroem, a province spokesman] said there were 140 shoes of all kinds — sneakers, children's shoes, high heels, boots and tap shoes — each stuffed with half a kilo (1.1 pound) of butter and spread out in the landscape.

140 shoes. Filled with butter. Set out in the remote landscape. Waiting to rot.

What is this? A turf war between the Shoe Fairies and the Butter Goblins? Somebody call Roland, quick!

The find was similar to one done by artist Yu Xiuzhen's in 1996.

His exhibit "Shoes With Butter," was laid out in the Tibetan mountains surrounding Lhasa, China.

No, no, no! This is not art. The Mona Lisa is art. David is art. The Sistine Chapel is art. Shoes filled with butter laid out in the remote landscape to rot is not art. It is prima-fascia evidence to put somebody in the Happy House.

"If we knew who had done this we could make them clean this mess up," Alf told The Associated Press Thursday.

I don't know about that, Alf. Reuters would probably do a big write up of how you're stifling the "artist's" mode of expression. Oh, wait a sec. You're not in America. Don't worry about it.

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First we have McGruff the Crime Tiger taking a bite out of Roy. Then there's the Alaskan bear helping Tim Treadwell through the qualifying rounds of the Darwin Awards. Now we've got a bear raiding David Letterman's whisky cabinet. more...

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Now that all of the craziness in California is taken care of we can get back to the important stuff like voting in the New Weblog Showcase. This week I'm going for one each of Funny, Serious and Southern. I was going to have a "Moonbat" category 'cause there's a couple of real lu-lus this week but I can't bring myself to give them traffic.

Funny: The Cult of Random - When Good Tacos Go Bad

Serious: Wired Opinion - Abolition of the Death Penalty

Southern: Ain't Done It! - I Love This State

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Here's me:

The Big Five Personality Test

Extroverted	||||||||||||||	54%
Introverted	||||||||||||	46%
Friendly	||||||||||||||	58%
Aggressive	||||||||||||	42%
Orderly	||||||||||||||	56%
Disorderly	||||||||||||	44%
Relaxed	||||||||||||||||	66%
Emotional	||||||||||	34%
Intellectual	||||||||||||||	58%
Practical	||||||||||||	42%

Take Free Big 5 Personality Test

Here's she.

Did you check out my emotional stability? 66% bay-bee! Oh, yeah! Rock on with my well adjusted self.

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Then wander on down to Dancing With Dogs for the 55th edition of the Carnival of the Vanities.

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Open Scene: Jim and G have just sat down for lunch. G is enjoying a turkey sandwich while Jim has leftover homemade mashed potatos.

Jim: Mmmmm. Mmmmmmmmmmm.

G: What is that you're eating?

Jim: Mashed potatos. Leftover from last night. They're heavenly.

G: They're only mashed potatos. You sound like you're having an orgasm in your mouth.

Jim: That's how good they are.

G: No mashed potato is that good.

(Jim gives G a taste of the mashed potatos.)

G: I've had worse but I've had better too. You know what would make them taste even better?

Jim: Cheese.

G: No, not cheese!

Jim: Everything tastes better with cheese.

G: Whatever. I was talking about sour cream.

Jim: Oh, yeah. A dab of sour cream can really be the difference. Lovely Wife usually puts some in but we didn't have any. Hey, you know what else sour cream is good for?

G: Masturbation.

Jim: (Stunned silence)

G: You mean besides that?

Jim: (Continued silence)

G: You caught a visual, didn't you?

Jim: Yeah.

G: Sorry bout that. You going to be okay?

Jim: Yeah.

Close Scene: Sound of one person eating as screen fades to black.

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9 out of 10, baby! Beat that!

(Hat tip to G)

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Bear Mauling Kills Grizzly Advocate, Friend

An advocate of grizzly bear protection and his camping companion were mauled to death by one or more bears in a remote part of Alaska's Katmai National Park and Preserve, officials said Tuesday.

Treadwell was the founder of Grizzly People, an organization devoted to the protection of grizzly bears and their habitat. According to the group's Web site, Treadwell's practice was to travel to bear country without weapons.

It was the first fatal bear attack in Katmai for at least 15 years, the Park Service said. The park is known as one of the world's premier sites for viewing huge brown bears, the coastal cousins of grizzlies, as they feast on salmon.

When park rangers and state troopers flew to the remote site to recover the bodies, they had to kill two aggressive bears that were threatening them, officials said.

Treadwell made a practice of getting within inches of the animals, but the Park Service recommends a 50-yard distance, he said.

Irony? As H would say, "buckets and buckets of it". There's the obvious one - protector of the bears is eaten by one. There's another good one in there though - two of the bears he dedicated himself to protecting were killed in order to collect his leftover bits. The critical portion is the last line, of course. He might have loved bears but he was an idiot, approaching to within inches of wild bears. That qualifies him for the Darwin Awards.

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The Letter of the Day is was "L".

"L" is for Landslide. They just had one in California.

(Link ripped from WizBang)

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Just when I think that there's nothing to write about, the boys' preschool comes through for me. They're having a fundraiser now and instead of pizza kits or cookies they're offering selections from a catalog of inspirational materials. My jaw dropped and my fingers started itching to type when i saw the Bibleman collectible Action Figures. You just can't make this stuff up, folks.

The Bibleman Theme Song
(With my apologies to the webbed one.)

Bibleman, Bibleman
Rosary in his hand
Spouting verse, benedictions
Watching o'er congregations

Look out!
Here comes the Bibleman

Is he wise? Listen hun,
He's as good as Solomon
Can he run confessional?
Like a true professional

Look out!
There goes the Bibleman

When Satan rears his head
And there's danger to the flock
He's there to break the bread
In his cassock and a frock

Bibleman, Bibleman
Savin' your soul, Why? Because he must
Bibleman, Bibleman
Savin' immortality, yeah, In God we trust

Look out!
Mortal life is just parole
Cause heaven is his goal
That's right, he's Bibleman!

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The Bonfire of the Vanities is up over at WizBang. This week has an extra special feature - our own recall vote! Be sure to do your civic duty and help to get rid of the worst post of the blogosphere.

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Do you remember O'Gradys chips from Frito-Lay? These were gloriously thick ridged chips available in Au'gratin or Sour Cream & Chives flavor. I got such a hankering for them the other day that I tried to manufacture my own. Got some Lays rippled chips and some cheddar cheese sliced real fine. Take a bite of chip and a bite of cheese. It's okay but it just didn't bring back the magic.

Man, oh man, did Pops and I love those chips. Step Mom would get one bag for the both of us when she went shopping. She shopped once a week, usually on Monday. Do the math here: (1 bag o' chips) / (high school student + adult male) * (1 full week) = (insufficient chips for harmonious living). Thanks, Step Mom. Thanks for adding that extra layer of tension between us. My raging hormones weren't causing quite enough problems without the two of us competing for food like hyenas of the Serengetti.

Anyway, like I said, we had a bag per week between the two of us. There was a set of very well defined unwritten rules for O'Gradys consumption: more...

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1 Seriously creepy. I was just thinking of those chips this week! I loved them-the cheddar ones were the best. You put them in your mouth, sucked them until they were mushy and the cheesy goodness attached to your throat, then swallowed. I loved those chips....

Posted by: h at October 08, 2003 01:54 AM (ADrg6)

2 Yeah, those were the absolute best chips. Remember how you'd occassionally get one with a big cake of orange powder on it? Snagging one of those was sort of like winning the lottery. And man were they thick! Not that I was ever tempted to do so, but I've heard others decrying their superior dipping ability. They were strong chips. We're talking "Guacamole? No problem!" strong. Suspend David Blaine over the Thames strong. And those were the only snack I've ever encountered in my lifetime where I honestly could not eat just one chip.

Posted by: Jim at October 08, 2003 04:25 AM (fkewd)

3 Goodness Gracious! O'Grady's!! The best potato chip you could buy, that's for sure. What happened that Frito Lay had to quit making them? Were sells low due to a higher price or do you think maybee that the marketing/ advertising was not good enough to get enough people to try them? Yeah, I have fond memories of that beautiful chip. If anyone has an old bag that they were saving for a future birthday or something, let me know if you decide to sell it!

Posted by: D at February 21, 2004 01:50 PM (hgKUw)

4 I thought I was the only one missing O'Grady's! I have never found a potato chip that compares to the Au Gratin flavored O'Grady's. Everything else pales in comparison. Maybe someday they'll bring them back, but till then I'm holdin on to the memories! :-)

Posted by: Katy at March 15, 2004 11:14 AM (7SRyZ)

5 hehe i found them and hopefully i have some on the way if i can actually get some i will let everyone know where to get them and what it cost me

Posted by: ron at March 19, 2004 05:43 PM (ZfRrg)

6 Ohh please tell me if you can get them. I have been searching for years as they were my all time favorite. Nobody mentioned the Hearty Seasonings flavor they had. I would eat at least 3 bags of them a week. I cant believe they dont make them anymore as they were no doubt the best chip ever made!!!

Posted by: Bill at May 05, 2004 04:44 PM (Fvc9a)

7 I thought I was the only one with the passion ans severs addictionn of the thick cheesy chips.ets alletition Frito Lay to bring them back. I can do without Fritos completely so there shoud always be room for them on the shelves.HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: chris at May 06, 2004 11:17 PM (AaBEz)

8 I too much loved the O'Gradys chip. If anyone knows where to get a bag I would love a blast from the past. I saw we all send massive amounts of emails to Frito Lays demanding they bring back their alltime best tasting chip. For those who never had the pleasure of tasting one just simply don't know what they were missing. Poor saps...

Posted by: Tara at August 13, 2004 09:20 PM (h20c+)

9 I have an un-opened bag of Au-gratin that I found when I finally moved house some weeks ago. A little crushed but still intact. I am reluctant to open and sample this blast from the past as the used by date is Feb 1986. From the feedback on this site alone, it is nice to see other people fondly remember this great product. My next query is Triple Treats and the dissapearance thereof. I am thinking of contacting Lays and showing them this website in the hope they can maybe re-release this product as it has some well founded support. These were the best chis ever as you all know. They got it right! Why would they pull such a good product off of the market? Sales would no doubt be the answer. So why were they no marketed better? Hmmmmmm! David

Posted by: David at October 14, 2004 11:11 PM (Qn8WI)

10 O'Grady's potato chips represent one of my fondest food memories from the 8O's. I'd wondered for years what happened to them & I still want them back, but it's nice to know that I'm not alone. I'd never even been on the internet until a couple of years ago, & I just thought I'd see what I could find out about this. It's probably just wishful thinking, but maybe if enough of us are heard, it'll be revived.

Posted by: Kevin at October 19, 2004 03:14 PM (QCLlJ)

11 Oh the O' Grady's! I think they stopped making them because of the disagreements in the contracts with the vendors that make them and license Frito-Lay to sell them. Hey all, Lay's Wavy Au Gratin chips are similar, not quite as salty or super cheesy, but really good! They are thick cut and crispy.

Posted by: Jen at October 19, 2004 03:40 PM (yW38E)

12 Man i don't feel alone anymore. Me and my mom use to sit after school and watch T.V. and enjoy a bag of those great chips. If there were none in the house I would be always willing to run to the store and get some.....usually would only take a commercial break to get to the store and back. Were there was a will there was a way.

Posted by: Cory at October 28, 2004 03:01 PM (fVjKz)

13 Hey Guys, The closest thing that I have found to O'Gradys is Lay Ruffles Chip with Cheddar and Sour Creme there "GREAT"!!

Posted by: Al at November 02, 2004 04:35 PM (6krEN)

14 O'Grady's were the most delicious chip I have ever had. Why would a company stop making a product that was so popular? We need to get them to make O'Grady chips again!

Posted by: Frank Masi at November 03, 2004 09:18 PM (+7VNs)

15 me and dad are talking and there is little info on them online. I miss them so does my pops.

Posted by: the bliz at December 01, 2004 05:46 PM (3otH0)

16 I have been cvraving these for years. I ate them for lunch every day at school in the 80's. I moved to Canada and just thought that Canadians didn't have them. I've been back in the States for two years now and have had a few mouth watering eppisodes while thinking about them. I just went on-line to see if I can order them somewhere. I'm so bummed now. I didn't know that they had been discontinued all together.

Posted by: Arthur at December 14, 2004 11:47 AM (+rqDI)

17 dudes you have to be a complete jack-a-- if you don't like these chips... they rock... alright pat!

Posted by: Potatoes O'Gratin at December 20, 2004 01:53 PM (Mziv8)

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Or at least the men who act like them?

German men get own kindergarten

German women fed up with their partners' grumbling on weekend shopping trips can now dump them at a special kindergarten for men offering beer and entertainment.

The men are given a name badge on arrival and for 10 euros (7 pounds) they get two beers, a hot meal, televised football and games.

"Last week the men had a remote control car to play with. Next week there's going to be a mini racetrack," said Stein.

"It beats sitting around in shoe shops, that's for sure," one man told the Sueddeutsche Zeitung newspaper.

At first glance this looks pretty cool. Guys get food, booze and toys instead of holding the purse while wifey tries on yet another outfit. That's awesome! What guy wouldn't love that?

Then sanity rears its ugly head as you realize that the entire concept is just plain stupid. If you don't want to shop with your lady then simply don't go shopping with your lady.

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The polls will soon open on the highly contested California recall election. Who to vote for? All of the serious candidates have been dragged so thoroughly through the mud by their competition that it seems like your choice is either the lesser of evils or a throwaway vote for a porn star. I say forget everything you've said or know about any of the candidates. Let's face it, their personality and past actions don't really matter squat for how well they will handle the reigns when they're in office and there's no way to know how well they will handle those reigns until they are in office. Lacking anything practical to measure them with i recommend using something impractical. Specifically, the entymology of their names. Why the hell not? It's about as accurate a measure of their worth as anything you've read or heard about them.

That said, there are really only two choices we have to worry about. Sorry, Gary, you're not even a long shot in this one. And Arianna, you have a better chance of getting groped by Arnold than you do getting anything close to a respectable percentage of the vote. Actually, that's a bad example. You've got an excellent chance of getting groped by Arnold, no chance for the vote. Anyway, here's how Cruz "Bustamove" Bustamonte and Arnold "Governator" Schwartzenegger stack up:

Bustamonte: "busta" (busto) is Spanish for "bust" as in bosom or breasts. "monte" means "it mounts", also in Spanish. So a vote for Cruz is a vote for mounting busts, more typically known as "getting in the saddle".

Schwartzenegger: "schwartz" (schwartzes) is German for "black". There's no need to spell out what "negger" means. A vote for Arnold is obviously a vote for the African American man.

So who would you rather have as Governor of California? A Democrat who is going to have his office characterized by sex scandals or a Republican who will be dedicated to support of minorities? I know where my vote would go.

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One burning question has lingered in the thoughts of women across the world since the very beginning of civilization. "Why the hell are guys like that?" Or more specifically, "Why can't I have a rational conversation with a guy without him looking at my boobs every five seconds or having his eyes glaze over as he strokes his mental stiffy with thoughts of me in a naughty French maid outfit, two nipple clamps and a short but firm whip?"

The Male Conspiracy has kept the answer to this question closely guarded, forcing you gals to come up with your own wild conjectures. Some of you have studied animal behaviors and attributed those to us. Others say that evolution has programmed us with this behavior and even millenia of civilized living cannot counter that. Still others blame our culture for fostering an ideal of the womanhunter that we all strive unconciously to attain.

Nope. The true answer is that fire is the reason and you are the cause. Totally, completely, 100%, en totale your fault. You did it. Well maybe not you specifically but other women like you. Specifically, it was our Moms. more...

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1 All of this torrid damage due to a campfire? I know of a good therapist, I will forward you the name. And straighten out Roland the Mental Health Fairy to come visit you! Seriously, good post. But I am not popping out a nipple just because your mother prevented you from being a pyro. Nice try.

Posted by: H at October 07, 2003 09:43 AM (ADrg6)

2 No nipples? Damn. Sorry guys, I tried.

Posted by: Jim at October 07, 2003 09:58 AM (IOwam)

3 When I was little, my mom let me get rid of fire ants using gasoline and a lighter (I even got to daisy chain from hive to hive). But I still like the idea of a little French maid outfit. Perhaps I should have burned more things.

Posted by: addison at October 08, 2003 12:43 PM (EowYy)

4 i need to know onhuman behaveiour post thruogh my mail

Posted by: kristin at August 17, 2004 10:52 AM (yL4Nj)

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The Letter of the Day is was "V", as in Vulgarity. When aging rockers cuss on the air they violate the FCC's vulgarity rules.

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France's Filthy Swine and My Arse Go to Eat Onions

"Tired of being sniggered at, people from French villages whose names sound like "Filthy Swine" and "My Arse" plan a weekend get-together in a tiny hamlet whose name means "Eat Onions" in old French.

Quirky French place names are nothing new to some English-speaking tourists who several times a year make off with signposts from the southwestern town of Condom."

These are actually some of the better sounding French villages. Retard-foutu, L'âne-lèchent and Chienne-du-nouvel-os were not invited to this gathering as their village names have such foul meanings.
(Remember our friend Babelfrench.)

No Thongs or Midriffs Please, Say French Schools

"French schools are cracking down on a craze among teenage girls to flash their midriffs and wear skimpy G-strings that peek brazenly out from above their low-cut trousers.

A number of head teachers in France -- where school uniforms are practically unheard of -- have slapped a ban on showing off thongs and tummies, the French daily Le Parisien said on Friday. "In the eyes of boys, thongs reduce girls to bottoms," former junior education minister Segolene Royal said."

Problem here. France has exactly one and only marketable domestic resource - French girls. (Nobody buys their wine anymore.) If they start forcing French girls out of sexy clothing then not even the mighty Chirac could save their faltering economy.

Sick of cigarette warnings? Hide them!

"A French firm has found a way to make money out of the large health warnings now required on new cigarette packs in the European Union (news - web sites) -- selling colourful cases to hide them.

The Paris-based Dolmen has begun selling thin cardboard boxes for smokers to cover cigarette packs which, under an EU rule that came into force on Tuesday, must carry warnings such as "Smoking Kills" on every side."

The French, they prefer death by heat exhaustion. They are very disturbed to have a reminder of how unhealthy cigarettes are every time they reach for a smoke. So, in typical French fashion the solution is obvious. Hide them and they'll go away!

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Especially, don't bite the neck that feeds you.

"Illusionist Roy Horn, half of the famed "Siegfried and Roy" entertainment duo, was fighting for his life after being savagely mauled by a tiger during his Las Vegas stage show."

Montecore, one of the signature white tigers used in the show, bit Roy on the neck. Roy is in critical but stable condition.

Newsflash: Tigers are dangerous creatures! more...

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1 Hey Babe-are you going to direct the others to come to this site from now on? I can barely read your comments stuff, above-lose the grey! //H...feeling very demanding today...

Posted by: H at October 06, 2003 09:21 AM (tdh2z)

2 Yup, the official vacancy note is up at the old place. I'll have this cleaned up some time this week. Must handle the master indexes first. Patience, Grasshopper.

Posted by: Jim at October 06, 2003 09:27 AM (IOwam)

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Strange stuff, me blogging on a Sunday. Lovely Wife is still abed, children #1 and #2 are quietly watching Rugrats and child #3 is still quiet upstairs in his crib. The planets have aligned to give me the very rarest of opportunities - weekend blog time.

So what have I done with this most precious of commodities? I've frittered it away on template work. I'm about 50% of the way towards what I can live with. Links have been brought over and a good portion of the formatting/color is fixed. 2 problems I could use some help with:

1) What code do I use to put in a sidebar item for archive post categories?

2) See that rude little teal section above the sidebar where the body color shows thru? I can't figure out where the heck that is coming from. As far as I can determine, my elements should be covering up all of the real estate there. Anybody care to take a peek and see where I screwed up? As a special incentive, I'll let you disparage my sitebuilding skills if you can identify the problem. How can you pass up that offer?

The DNS hasn't propogated yet but it should happen soon. When it does I'll be closing down the old place and officially start advertising this one. Probably will be tomorrow morning as I hear #3 bumping around upstairs now so I expect my blogging window is about to slam shut on my quickly retracting fingers.

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