I made a blogchange that you might like. The website links in the sidebar are now in collapsable/expandable lists instead of that long-ass string of links. Yeah, I know the category color is too light. I'll work on that later. It was all about functionality so far.

UPDATE: Got the formatting fixed on the collapsable link lists. How do y'all like this? Good? Bad? Ugly? "Oh my Lord I cannot believe I have lived this long without collapsable lists!"? Lemme know.

Posted by: Jim at 09:55 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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Do you poop at work?
How, with such a horrid stench?
Better to suffer.

Do you have a poop haiku? Share it with us!

Posted by: Jim at 09:17 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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The alarm didn't go off this morning. Actually I can't guarantee that - it's possible that it went off and I turned it off and fell asleep instead of getting out of bed. It didn't go off because the alarm switch was firmly in the "off" position. So even if I didn't screw up this morning and turn it off then go back to sleep it's still my fault for not turning it on last night. That really blows because I'd like to blame this morning on somebody else.

Normally it wouldn't be a big problem if the alarm didn't go off. I usually wake up at around 3:50 and stare at the alarm clock until 4:00 hits and it lets off its piercing (and quickly silenced) bleat. That happens when I go to bed on time, anyway. Last night, due to some nocturnal activities that don't need to be spelled out and will resurface later in this diatribical self flaggelation, I went to bed late. This morning I woke up with that self congratulatory sensation of "Ah, I woke up naturally. I shall now turn over and gaze fondly at the digital countdown as it marches its way towards my assigned time of arrisal." more...

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Posted by: Jim at 07:10 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Many more here.

(Hat tip G)

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The Carnival of the Vanities (#56 if you're counting) is up and at 'em over at Priorities & Frivolities. It's a long one (as if there were ever short ones!) but laid out nice so you can cherry pick the stuff you like.

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Discipline Decided In Student Inhaler Incident

MONTGOMERY COUNTY, Texas -- A meeting was held Friday for a student accused of breaking school rules and state law by giving his girlfriend his inhaler when she had trouble breathing, News2Houston reported.

Andra Ferguson and her boyfriend, Brandon Kivi, both 15, use the same type of asthma medicine, Albuterol Inhalation Aerosol.

Ferguson said she forgot to bring her medication to their school, Caney Creek High School, 16840 FM 2090, on Sept. 24. When she had trouble breathing, she went to the nurse's office.

Out of concern, Kivi let her use his inhaler.

But the school nurse said it was a violation of the district's no-tolerance drug policy, and reported Kivi to the campus police. He was suspended for three days and charged with delivering a dangerous drug. He faced expulsion and being sent to juvenile detention on juvenile drug charges.

Posted by: Jim at 09:13 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Critic Falls for 3-Year-Old Boy's Art

The artist whose work is hanging at an island gallery has sold a piece, attracted the attention of a critic and been compared to the art world's greats by his biggest admirers.

He's also three years old.

The toddler uses brushes, scrapers and sponges and his "studio" is usually a newspaper-covered floor at the Lambs' south Georgia home.

Hehe. Hehehe. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Art. Speh.

Posted by: Jim at 07:40 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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HER DIARY

October 15, 2003, - Last night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset? He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. After about 10 minutes he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

10/14/03 - Cubbies lost today, but at least I got laid.

(Hat tip G)

Posted by: Jim at 06:57 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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The Letter of the Day is was "H".

"H" is for Homicide. That's what Kill Bill is all about.

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The Bonfire of the Vanities has just been lit. Go and see the worst that the web has to offer.

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Contrary to whatever I was thinking, Pollhost offers 10 options in a poll, not 20. Guess they don't go in for "California balloting". I can't get the 20 finalists down to 10 by myself (I lack that degree of determinalistic confidence) so we'll do two rounds of semi-finalists and then a Grand Pubah of Polls, Winner Takes All final round.

The first set of ten options is up now in the sidebar to the right. Go forth and vote!

References:
My original plea for help
The Culling of the Herd

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I caught a fairy. A freaking fairy, can you believe it? Nasty looking thing, too. Two feet tall, scaly skin, big floppy ears, slanted eyes and a mouth full of teeth that could shred a side of beef in seconds. Freaking pirranha teeth. "You know, fairies can skeletonize a cow in 15 seconds" teeth. It's sitting over there right now staring at me and gnashing those rippers. Freaking unnerving, man.

You don't believe me? Guess I can't blame you. You don't know me from Adam after all and this isn't exactly the most commonplace thing in the world. A literal fairy tale with me as the main character and no idea how the story ends. Except that fairy tales have an annoying tendency to end with BAD THINGS happening to Joe Hero so I'm not all that happy to be cast in the role. Okay then, fair's fair. I'll give you the 411 and then you can activate your suspension of disbelief for my benefit and your edification. more...

Posted by: Jim at 08:57 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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1 so far, so good

Posted by: Ted at October 14, 2003 09:11 AM (bov8n)

2 I am impressed. You can blog, you can write short stories, and you can suck cows off. I liked it. Keep 'em coming. And I am going to plaguerize "writer's noose" from you. Hope you don't mind!

Posted by: Helen at October 14, 2003 10:49 AM (ADrg6)

3 Glad y'all are enjoying it. I used to write quite a bit but that slowed down after a certain nightmarish professor put the whammy on me and then close to disappeared after having kids. I hope "plaguerize" was a typo and not a Freudian slip. LOL

Posted by: Jim at October 14, 2003 11:10 AM (IOwam)

4 Oops. Stupid Helen. Stupid stupid!

Posted by: H at October 14, 2003 11:35 AM (ADrg6)

5 Normally, if a story starts with a description of a fairy, I'm bailing by the second paragraph--but this is good. You have me wondering what happens, anyway; does that count?

Posted by: ilyka at October 15, 2003 02:53 AM (b0Boo)

6 I'm generally the same way, Ilyka. That's because the "modern" fairy is a cute little thing with gossamer wings or a pot belly and a pipe. The legends of the unseelie wights are absolutely nothing like the Disneyfied crap that the world has been subjected to for the past 50 years. I'm a traditionalist. >

Posted by: Jim at October 15, 2003 06:41 AM (IOwam)

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Fantastic feedback on a new name for G. In fact, too much and too fantastic. We'll poll to see what G's new name will be but I needed to pare down the field a bit. If one of your suggestions is in the recycle bin here don't take it as an insult. I still appreciate your effort, it's just that you obviously don't love me enough. more...

Posted by: Jim at 01:47 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Scene: Darkened bedroom

Lovely Wife: Ohhhhhh. Ahhhhhhh. Ohhhhhhh.

Me: Mmmmmmm.

LW: Oooooooooooooooh!

Me: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

LW: Ah! Oh! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

(Click - bedroom lights come on)

LW: AHHH!

Me: SHIT! more...

Posted by: Jim at 08:52 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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1 Go wash your face dude! And your mustache too! Ya lucky dog!

Posted by: Nate at October 13, 2003 05:24 PM (KJQ0B)

2 Dude I at least you have boys. I am not looking foward to explaing the "birds and the bees" to my daughter. And looking less to her dating and all that kind of junk. shes only 4 and already I am feeling the dread of the future.

Posted by: Agaememnon at October 13, 2003 07:14 PM (mkbJL)

3 I didn't know what to say when His Oogieness asked where babies come from, so I rattled off some nonsense about ordering him from the baby factory. He went to the wee wifey and told her that I didn't know where babies came from. It was a while after that (long after he ceased being oogie cute) before we explained to him about the broken condom.

Posted by: triticale at October 13, 2003 09:15 PM (77+mi)

4 Our oldest was a Trojan Horse baby, too. No excuse for #2 or #3 - they were intentional. We were trying for a little girl and ended up with three fifths of a basketball team. And after talking with parents of girls I thank God each day that we had all boys.

Posted by: Jim at October 14, 2003 09:05 AM (IOwam)

5 LMAO! That's the funniest thing I've read all day.

Posted by: Gennie at October 15, 2003 12:38 AM (NtJXM)

6 HEH, Well I have a girl smack dab between two boys. I am training the boys in the ways of the ninja, so they can by my little hit men when my daughter starts to date. =) I bet that kid knows what the high five was for.. with in 3 days of this story.. if he know Bagina.. Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny are not far from being found out. =) Smart Kid U have there..

Posted by: Jefferey McDowell at October 15, 2003 02:08 PM (wdInV)

7 Santa and the Easter Bunny are safe for now. He's only 4. Woe is me.

Posted by: Jim at October 15, 2003 02:48 PM (IOwam)

8 And the moral of the story is: Always lock the bedroom door!

Posted by: shell at October 15, 2003 04:08 PM (PYU23)

9 we not only lock the door, we barricade it.

Posted by: georgiapossum at August 17, 2004 10:27 AM (8weIb)

10 YIKES!!! That one hit WAY too close to home. Had a similar traumatic experience some twelve years ago (stepson worried about mommy). Same exact position, too. I skittered under the pillows like a frightened cockroach and wouldn't come out for hours...

Posted by: diamond dave at August 17, 2004 05:20 PM (r8BvQ)

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The Snark Hunt is on! Get your weekly dose of invective and sarcasm (snarkasm?) to get you through the weekend.

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1 Post, dammit, post! Helen is bored and seeks quality entertainment! However, she will settle for your blog

Posted by: H at October 13, 2003 07:26 AM (tdh2z)

2 Sorry, Helen. I am having SUCH a Monday! There is one in the works though, so stay tuned.

Posted by: Jim at October 13, 2003 07:30 AM (IOwam)

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Governments spend way too much money supporting special interests that are fundamentally self supporting. When the Nederlander High Council (or whatever it's called over there in Holland) cut funding to the Royal Dutch Athletics Union, motivated sportsters took matters in their own hands (so to speak).

Dutch athletes bare all to pay for training more...

Posted by: Jim at 02:08 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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The Letter of the Day is was "F".

"F" is for Furtive. Installing malware on people's computers as part of your anti-piracy effort is bad enough. When you do it without their permission you are being furtive.

the SunnComm technique relies on installing antipiracy software directly from the protected CD itself.

"F" is for Fool. When your anti-piracy technique can be completely circumvented with a basic Windows function you are quite a fool.

However, this can be prevented by stopping Microsoft Windows' "auto-run" feature. That can be done simply by pushing the Shift key as the CD loads.

"F" is also for Farcical. When you sue a guy for showing people how to use a basic Windows function to defeat your malware the entire thing has a farcical air.

"This is completely outrageous," said Fred von Lohmann, an attorney for the Electronic Frontier Foundation, a group that has previously represented computer academics concerned that copyright law would impair their ability to publish. "This is not black hat (hackers') exploits he's revealing. This is Windows 101...It is relatively hard to imagine any better example of how the DMCA has been misused since it was passed five years ago."

"F" is for Fair. When exposure of your easily defeated anti-piracy malware results in severe repercussions to your company, that's fair.

The damage to SunnComm's reputation, while not necessarily permanent, was quickly seen in a drop in its market value, totaling close to $10 million over several days, Jacobs said. No final decisions about legal action have been made, he added.

Lastly, "F" is for Freedom. Here in the USA we have certain protected freedoms. One of them is about speech.

Halderman said he's not overly worried about the legal threat. The EFF represented his advisor, Princeton professor Edward Felten, in a lawsuit dealing with academic freedom to publish computer security information, and Princeton University supported Felten in that case.

"I expect I will be well-represented in the case of a lawsuit," Halderman said. "If pressing the Shift key is a violation of the DMCA, then the law needs to be changed."

(Hat tip to G)

Posted by: Jim at 09:30 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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A while ago while jesting about some of the searches that find my site I made an offer for people to send in their homoerotic dreams for me to interpret them. The response has been absolutely overwhelming and of a broader scope than simple interpretation. There are people out there who need my advice and help and by gosh I'm gonna give it to 'em! I've been answering these inquiries personally but have culled a select few to share with the readership at large.

Doctor Jim,

I discovered my homosexuality several years ago and have been doing my best to become comfortable with myself and explore my sexuality. I am very happy with just about everything except for my one major failing. I am unable to come up with any genuine homoerotic fantasies and I have never had a homoerotic dream. Can you help?

Todd,
San Francisco, CA

Posted by: Jim at 08:58 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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I've got a problem. My primary source of humor content and obscure insight is feeling slighted. You see, I have witty and clever aliases for the people in my life when I write about them in my blog. There's Lovely Wife and the boys (Bear, Bacon and Burger), Lil Bro, etc. But G is just "G". Yesterday he left a comment here and signed it "Mysterious" G and I ragged on him for it. He's not at all mysterious and I teased him that he was being a little bit self-aggrandizing taking a moniker like that.

Well, I could tell that he was hurt by my wicked barbs and that he feels slighted to have only an initial when everybody else has a nickname. He posted another comment and signed it only "G" and you can feel the disappointment dripping off of it.

People, we must keep G happy! As he supplies better than 80% of the decent content on this site his happiness is of critical import. I must come up with a nickname for G!

But I've got a problem there. The basic reason that I use "G" is because I don't have a nickname for him. The last nickname he had was G-Dog but that was back in the mid to late 90's and it is just too dated. I need something new and fresh and maybe even appropriate (although I'm not married to that last one) and I can't think of a damned thing. I know him too well and for all the years I've known him I've only thought of him by his name. Even G-Dog was an appelation given to him by my old housemate E-Dog. And this is why you must come up with a nickname for G.

I'd say that I want to go for quality over quantity but that's not strictly true. Quantity has benefits too, not the least of which is better odds on getting at least a couple humorous suggestions. Please give this subject a serious bit of thought (at least 5 to 15 seconds) and leave your suggested nicknames in the comments.

Depending on the number of responses I might do a poll for the winning nick and give away fabulous prizes*.

I thank you, the soon to be renamed G thanks you, The Snooze itself thanks you.

Update: And no sour cream references, please. more...

Posted by: Jim at 02:15 PM | Comments (17) | Add Comment
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1 - "Your Delta brother name is.... Flounder." - "Why?" - "WHY NOT?!" http://www.tigersweat.com/movies/animal/house10.wav

Posted by: Mike the Marine at October 09, 2003 03:42 PM (IOX+E)

2 G-muse. (Seems appropriate as he is your inspiration.) "G-muse helps le'Snooze to A-muse".

Posted by: MojoMark at October 09, 2003 04:20 PM (E+LQu)

3 I was going to suggest G-Stringer, but I like Mike's suggestion better. Call him "Whynot".....

Posted by: Susie at October 09, 2003 05:05 PM (0+cMc)

4 G-Riffic!

Posted by: Mookie at October 09, 2003 08:50 PM (2sKfR)

5 G-Whiz? G-Man? Golly-G? G-zus? (sorry) Heh.

Posted by: margi at October 09, 2003 10:12 PM (4jrV0)

6 String. Or Spot. Maybe even Zone.

Posted by: Simon at October 09, 2003 10:24 PM (GWTmv)

7 Tonto Zorro Wingman Goose (Maverick's wingman in Top Gun) Bullwinkle Stan (Stan Laurel of 'Laurel and Hardy') Elwood (Elwood Blues of the Blues Brothers) ...you get the idea...

Posted by: anon at October 09, 2003 11:08 PM (9oTDV)

8 Does it have to start with G? If so: Giblet, Goober, and Grolsch come to mind (we all like beer, after all). Otherwise, I'm with: Wondertwin, Doppel-G, Weeble (cause he wobbles but he won't fall down) and That Guy.

Posted by: H at October 10, 2003 01:16 AM (k78uM)

9 I see G'Man has been takin, lets see.. Gee No He must be the G-SPOT.. yepp thats it, he brings great pleasure to these forums, and to its readers.. G-Spot is a must. I vote for G-Spot

Posted by: Jefferey McDowell at October 10, 2003 02:32 AM (rQXSE)

10 Don't have a nickname for you, but welcome to the world of MT.

Posted by: Jeff at October 10, 2003 08:19 AM (iqt2S)

11 I like the above mentioned G'Whiz or Moondoggie

Posted by: The Bartender at October 10, 2003 08:30 AM (fhaHp)

12 I think Jim may have been overstating thing just a bit. I put 'Mysterious' on the first post only because I have never posted here before... marking the revelation of my actual existence for all. Since I represent an unknown entitiy and am therefore an enigma, I used mysterious. After my first post, I didn't feel nearly as mysterious, so I simply used G. Go figure. I don't know how comfortable I am with Jim reporting the actual statistics that so much of this content comes from the twisted annals of my tortured psyche. I get the strange feeling that this will one day be used to build a case for having me confined to an institution. Either way... I vote for 'The Man'. It seems appropriate. :-)

Posted by: G at October 10, 2003 08:37 AM (IOwam)

13 G: 1) I'm not crediting you, I'm preparing my own defense. I've seen Asplundh trucks in the neighborhood and we all know that they are the eyes and ears of the vast government conspiracy. 2) Of course I'm overstating things, that's the whole point of this blog! ;-) 3) It's "annals" of your tortured psyche, not "anals". Don't worry, I fixed your post so nobody will ever know about that little Freudian slip. Except whoever reads this comment, of course. Everybody Else: Fantastic! Loads of great ones here. I think a poll is in order. We'll give a couple days for the stragglers to sound off (and because I don't have any time to set up a poll today). I might have to take one of these for my own nom-de-guerre. I could really go for "Moondoggie". I have a thing for Annette Funicello and Sally Fields and that name brings it all back. That's the young Annette and Sally, of course, not the withered harridans they have become.

Posted by: Jim at October 10, 2003 09:46 AM (IOwam)

14 Gosh 'n Golly Buffalo Bob. Goofy Moose or Squirrel Gorney Huy

Posted by: Beth Donovan at October 11, 2003 10:17 AM (igCu1)

15 G-Diddy? G-your blog smells terrific? G-Zuss H. Christ?

Posted by: Stevie at October 11, 2003 08:53 PM (o36gw)

16 Jumping on the bandwagon late (as usual)...how about G-Willikers (Mr. Wilson!) Jeeves (It SOUNDS right) He-be-G (be) Hmmm...or not.

Posted by: LittleA at October 12, 2003 06:59 PM (SRPrU)

17 You can call him anything you want as long as you dont call him "Late For Dinner".

Posted by: triticale at October 13, 2003 09:43 PM (77+mi)

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