It's Snarkerific!

Git on over to Electric Venom for the third installment of The Hunting of the Snark.

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From the depths of hell itself...

Well, actually it's from the Atlanta area. And it's not really that hot today. Quite pleasant actually. That doesn't work too well with the over the top intro though. What the hell, let's give it a shot:

From the depths of a beautiful sunny day in the delightfully forested town of Duluth comes a horror the likes of which no one has yet seen and survived. Yes, with devilish delight I expose my victims to my Cheddar X responses! Bwah hah hah hah hah!

1. What TV show do you remember most from your childhood, and why?
>From early childhood it would have to be 3-2-1 Contact. It was the best kids show on television, hands down. Science was freakin' cool! An entire show about stuff I wanted to do! I had my introduction to paleontology and chemistry. In fact, my chemistry set was a direct result of 3-2-1 Contact. And oh, the hours of enjoyment that brought. Sulfur burns, shattering beakers, barely controlled alcohol fires. Ah, memories.

2. Who would you elect for governor of California? (Assume you're a registered California voter.)
My early favorite would have been Cruz "Bustamove" Bustamante. From what I had heard he was a well respected manager and politician. Then Arnold declared and there could be no other. I've been waiting oh-so-patiently for Arnold to get into politics. I mean, running for office in politics, not activist politics. He's my idea of a perfect politician. Self made, itelligent, generally genial but with a no-bullshit core. Add to that he's not a lifelong politician and that he could probably get away with riddling an opponent with bullets before dropping him off the Bay Bridge 'cause everybody's just waiting for him to do that anyway and you've got perfect political capital.

3. Do violence and drugs in entertainment media cause violent or delinquent behavior in minors?
Parents and environment cause violence and delinquency in minors. Entertainment is a part of a minor's environment that is under parents' direct control. I watched Apocalypse Now for the umpteenth time last week and, as it always does, it gave me a massive mood. It's a powerful movie. There is no way in hell that I would allow my kids to watch this movie. I know that if they did, they would be affected by it. For me it takes a couple of hours to shake it off and then I get mini-episodes for the next several days. Usually bad dreams for a night or two also. I can't imagine how bad this would be for a minor, someone who does not have the emotional experience to address their feelings nor the maturity to put things in context.

If you claim that violent and conflictive exposure will have no affect on kids then you are the worst kind of simpleton. If you say that TV / Video Games / Whatever made your kids bad then you are the worst kind of parent. My kids watch Noggin and some shows on Nick Jr., Disney and PBS. Am I overprotective? Hell no. I simply acknowledge that it's my duty as daddy to expose them to things that they are ready to handle. When they're older they will get to watch and experience more things. Some day I will be with the three of them as we watch Apocalypse Now but that will not be until they are mature enough to do so.

4. What are your current views on Iraq? How do they compare to your views from before the war?
I'm pretty upbeat but I have a few reservations. Things are progressing well, much better than I thought they would, but I think they would go even better with a larger military presence. I'd like to see us get a workable Iranian government and reliable local army in place as quickly as possible but then stay in an advisory capacity for as long as it takes to help them work through the growing pains. The major difference in my views before the war and now is how much I despise the despots of other Mid East countries (especially Iran and Syria) for their sabotage and hatred. They are doing everything in their power to screw with the Iraqis and they're getting a free ride from the bulk of the world press.

5. What phobias do you have? (Fear of spiders, crowds, etc.)
I have an irrational fear of being left behind at shopping malls. I don't know if I ever got lost in one as a kid or where the source of this thing is. When I'm at a mall and I didn't drive there I keep a very close account of where the driver is. I don't do things like "You go there, I'll go here, we'll meet up later". Can't handle it. It's especially irrational because even if I did get left behind there's no big problem to get home. Call somebody, take a cab. No major worry. Still scares me though.

6. If you could change one facet of American (or your) culture what would it be?
Diet. Specifically, remove sugar. America is so in love with sugar. I'm talking looooooooove. The average American consumes 160 pounds of sweeteners per year. Before the turn of the century the average consumption was around 10 pounds. Since 1974 the average consumption has doubled. Why does America have an obesity problem? Hmmmmm...

Posted by: Jim at 11:15 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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SBD turns 1/12th

Snooze Button Dreams has been alive for a month now. My first luniversary! In that month I've:

• Had over 1600 visits. (And this is according to Sitemeter, which supposedly underreports badly.)


• Found 7 new regular blogs through looking at my referrers and checking who is linking to me.


• Learned to use the div tag and CSS (My html editor of choice is notepad because that was close to the best you could get when last I coded.)


• Been linked to a minimum of 48 times.


• Been blogrolled (on Blogrolling, that is) 6 times.


• Started participating in 3 different weekly blog submission memes.


• Had a blast writing again. Something that I thought I'd lost many moons ago.

When I first started this weblog I set a couple of objectives. The first was that, no matter what, I would stick with it for at least a month. I made that goal with no problem. It's been much more entertaining than I had feared and far more successful than I could have hoped. Between 60 and 90 visits a day? I've never had an audience that large before. Well, I should clarify that - I've never had a voluntary audience that large before. It's quite an ego stoker and to me it means I'm doing something right. I'm writing well enough that people enjoy my writing. That is very cool.

The other objective was to reevaluate after said month of blogging and decide what the blog was about. This is a tough one. Looking back at the things I've posted I like a lot of it and dislike some of it. One thing that stands out is that the humorous posts are easier to reread. They were also more fun to write. I think I'm going to bend in this direction and try to concentrate on witticisms, commentary and anecdotes of a humorous nature.

So, look for SBD to continue. Look for more (SBD) posts and less political ones (not that there were a whole lot of those anyway). Don't look for me to move the blog for a while. I'd like to get off of Blogger but it's free and that's infinitely cheaper than paying (and I'm a cheap, cheap, cheap bastard).

Thank you all for your support!

Posted by: Jim at 07:54 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Wave hello to the little man in the boat

Caution: Lewd humor ahead. Names have been changed to protect the guilty.

So, G and I went out to dinner at a local man's paradise. No, not a strip club. This place is a fantastic tribute to adult male couch potato sportsters. Pristine fields of green felt (that's pool tables, y'all), dart boards, a hundred foot walk around bar, big screen televisions, acres of arcade games and a very fine full service restaurant. All in one place! The Man Show crew would be proud to dine and play in this establishment. It is a place we know as Dave & Busters.

Anyway, after amusing ourselves for a while we took a break and went over to the restaurant area for the aforementioned dinner. Our very pleasant waitress left menus and took our drink orders (they have an excellent beer selection as well). We hungrily opened the beautifully laminated multipage missives and began poring over the choices. I passed over the desserts (you see why we love this place - the menu starts with desserts), appetizers, chickens and steaks. None of these enticed me as I already had a specific goal - I was targetting an artichoker. No, not an artichoke (that wierd little vegetable that you eat by scraping leaf gunk off its fibrous plates) but an artichoker. A burger so loaded with cholesterol that merely gazing upon its reflection while wearing arc welding glasses can cause instant and violent stoppage in major arteries. Next was the salad page (salad before burgers? yeesh. minus 1 point for Dave & Busters) which was quickly supressed with extreme prejudice before its corruptive influence could harm me. Finally, the Burgers & Sandwiches page. That's page 7 for those of you playing along at home. As I looked down the page, scanning for my target, my eyes did a double take, returning to the top of the page of their own volition. I carefully read the first couple items and then realized what had so ensnared my subconcious attention.

(We now move to the made up conversation portion of this post.)

Things got bad from there and the concerned waitress hurried over to assist G, who had apparently inhaled an ice cube and/or firmly implanted one in his nasal sinuses. Eventually things settled down and we managed to order dinner. Things went well until the actual dinner came, at which time rude things were done to the fish tacos that caused another ice vs. sinus episode.

Ah, Dave & Busters. You've got customers for life.

UPDATE: My editor tells me that nobody will understand the humor here because "fish taco" isn't a very widely used phrase and my teaser in the title (little man in the boat) isn't either. I disagree but never let it be said that I'm uncooperative. Feel free to replace the title with any of the following if it helps you figure out fish taco.

Is that muff warm?
Hair pie a la mode
Bearded clam chowder

UPDATE2: The D&B menu also features "Kumbak Sauce" for the Buster's Cheeseburger. I shudder to think where I could have gone with that one.

Posted by: Jim at 07:22 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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What's that word mean?

Kate needs our help. She's come up with a new word and needs a definition for it. What should Speh mean?

I see loads of opportunity here. My first impression is a combo of Spew and Feh so I'm going with that.

Spew is vomiting but with a connotation of quickness and being unforseen. Spew is a reaction to a stimulus. Examples: "That coaster was so rough that I spewed" or "If I have one more jello shot I'm going to spew."

Feh is a very classy and time honored dismissal to a statement or occurence that includes built in disrespect for the object dismissed. Examples: "Donny Osmond. Donny Osmond. Donny. Donny. Donny. (pause) Feh!" or "Me? Go out with you? Feh!"

So Speh should primarily mean a disrespectful dismissal but include the element that the object being dismissed makes the speaker physically or emotionally ill.

So what do you think? Go give Kate your suggestions.

Posted by: Jim at 04:59 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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The sun'll come out, tomorrow (SBD)

Tomorrow, Friday the 29th of August will be the one month anniversary of Snooze Button Dreams. Wait a sec. That doesn't make sense. Anniversary, by definition, can only be used for years. "Anni" is for "annual" after all. What would months be? "Moniversaries"? Nah, sounds like a problem ladies would discuss with their special doctors: "...and besides the discharge there's this odor. Doctor, do I have moniversaries?"

Lets check some synonyms for month and see what we can find. Dictionary.com gives us...nuthin'. Just synonyms for "indefinite time". Indefinite? Hello? Look at a bloody calendar. A month is pretty definite! Let's wander over to Merriam-Webster and see what they've got. "No entries found that match month." WTF?

(Note that the "F" in the above "WTF" stands for "Freak". I'm working on my potty mouth. You should too.)

Now I'm getting pissed intrigued. No synonyms for "month". Hmm... Let's try something cyclic but still representative of the time slice we're going for - the moon! After all, months used to be defined by the phases of the moon. "Mooniversary"? Nah. Too similar to "Moniversary" (go figure). Do I dare look for synonyms to "moon"? You betcha.

Hmmm. Merriam's has one entry found for "blue moon". Includes such niceties as "coon's age, dog's age, donkey's years". Hmmm... "Cooniversary?" I don't think so. I'd end up getting lynched. Dictionary.com has...holy frejoles! 21 entries! The mother load! Let's check these categories... Desire? Nope. Liking? Nope. Shape Entity? Heck no. Okay, after further review there is 1 out of 21 entries that may be workable - Landform. Options include "celestial body, crescent, full moon, green cheese, half moon, heavenly body, new moon, old moon, planetoid, pumpkin, satellite, Sputnik". Sputnik? This is a synonym for "moon"?

Alrighty then. I'm on my own. Let down by the most modern reference materials that have been developed since man first put brush to the cave wall. It's a sad, sad, day when I can't reproduce my precociousness through phony internet research. Sad indeed. The gloves are off now, might as well drop the pretense. What was supposed to happen here was that I would go through some make believe research, creatively "guiding" my choice towards what I had already really selected. It's "luna" or "lunar" I was going for. Lunaversary, get it? Like "Loony-versary". Loony = crazy. 'Cause it has been a crazy month and "Lunaversary" would also give an amusing self deprecating slight at my own borderline sanity.

How can "luna" not be related to month or moon? Thanks a whole lot, dictionary.com. You just screwed my whole freaking post. And don't EVEN talk to me, Merriam!

UPDATE: I apologize profusely for the gross stuff at the beginning. You know, the "discharge and odor". Don't know what I was thinking there. Yuck.

UPDATE2: And those two so-called reference sites, those cast iron bitches of alliteration, don't have any synonyms for "luna" or "lunar" either!

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Georgia, Sweet Georgia

New plaque at Stone Mountain Park on the observation deck behind the museum.

That's what I've been trying to say!

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Please remain with the tour group

Carnival of the Vanities #49 is up at Creative Slips. Come enjoy the self selected creme de la creme of last week's blog posts.

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Pollin, Pollin, Pollin

PREVIOUS POLL

Would you let your kids go to this party? (Adult supervised, alcohol served)

Yes: 42 (76%)
No: 12 (21%)
Maybe: 1 (1%)

Excellent. That should mean that there's a decent chance I won't get arrested when I throw one for Bear in a dozen years or so.

NEW POLL

Why do Saturday Night Live movies suck so badly?
	Standup comedians not the best choice to cast as actors.
	Stretching a 3 minute sketch into an 80 minute movie defies the laws of physics.
	Obligatory "fart joke" is just so very, very tired.
	Lack of humor on SNL since mid 90's has resulted in a dearth of good material.
	Lack of anyone funny on SNL since mid 90's has resulted in a dearth of good actors.
	Saturday Night Live puts out movies?
	All of the above.
	Other (please comment)
	What the heck are you talking about? SNL movies kick ass! Roxbury forever, man! Woooooh!!

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I am in a quandary (SBD)

Thanks and no thanks to Common Sense & Wonder for finding this article. Thanks because you found it and shared it. No thanks because now I don't know what to do with it! Read and see why:

How do I handle this? What can I do to poke fun at something so moonbat crazy? What can I possibly come up with that is more ridiculous than what the article is already reporting?

I thought about a quick sarcastic quip about how even The Onion or Ridiculopathy Daily couldn't come up with something like this. You know, a "truth is stranger than fiction" angle. That just seemed too dismissive. Something this stupid has earned more snark and ridicule than such a simple repost.

Then I thought of taking each part of this thing and making fun of the individual aspects. Like for the cooking utensils part I'd do something like this: The Jews stole cooking utensils so the Egyptians couldn't pursue them to get their gold back? I've heard that an army moves on its stomach but this takes the cake. This option is rich in opportunity but it still didn't satisfy my need to make fun of the entire concept here.

Then I thought that I should do a serious commentary. Maybe a fisking. Take that utensils part again for an example: So missing cooking utensils prevented the armies of Pharoah from pursuing the Jews? Funny, in the version of the story I heard the armies of the Pharoah had no problem whatsoever pursuing them. Cornered them against a river bank if my recollection serves... But I figured a serious fisking might lend this thing legitimacy. What it really needs is a bit of ribald badinage.

Going with commentary on the overall topic I could go for a hit on the university. Something like: This is coming from the DEAN OF LAW? Where did he study for his degree - the Jerry Springer School? I liked this one but it still seemed to lack a certain something.

Maybe an alternate headlines theme would work: Egypt To Sue Jews Over Exodus Theft. Jews Countersue With Reparations Suit, Threaten Plaque of Frogs.

You see what I mean? Opportunities for mischief like this one are few and far between and there are so many ways to go with it that I'm lost.

Thanks a lot, CS&W!

>:p

Posted by: Jim at 09:57 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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United Nations "Locality and Personnel Security Practices" (SBD)

Wow! Check this out:

Who would have thought that the United Nations could manage to take an effective step in this matter? And nobody would have predicted that they would admit culpability in the security failure in Baghdad. Nobody with a rational thought process, anyway. It's too bad that we rational folk are generally right - they didn't do any of the above. This Jayson Blairesque piece is from a "what if" session between me and G on the ride into work this morning. Don't actually expect the UN to do anything this intelligent. Ever.

Posted by: Jim at 06:35 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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How do you spell "clueless"?

Thanks to Amish Tech Support for pointing out this article. Looky, looky:

The Security Council sits in a hollow rotunda. Somebody seriously needs to run around the middle of that thing with a clue by four and apply it liberally.

To strengthen protection of its personnel, the UN passed a resolution. They passed a resolution! Don't they understand that a freaking memo to the field offices would be more effective? A little email with basic instructions like "When your country of operations is liberated from an oppressive regime, replace the local guards who are loyalists to the departed powers. Also, when the occupying power of a country offers you assistance with your security and said power is not a totalitarian or theocratic despotism, and said power has just completed the most successful ground war in the history of mankind, assume that they know more about the security situation than your sorry pencil pushing ass and let them help."

I really can't believe they passed a freaking resolution. Does anybody believe that the next Exploder Jr is going to change his mind because the UN is willing to call his scraped together leftover bits a war criminal? Unbefreakinglievable.

Posted by: Jim at 04:39 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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A fly on the wall (SBD)

At great personal expense and peril, Push Button Dreams has come into possession of a security tape from the Oval Office. It was apparently recorded shortly after Ariel Sharon first read the infamous “Roadmap To Peace”. The transcript follows:

On a serious note:

This entry was originally intended as a serious essay attempting to prove my hypothesis that Bush knows exactly what the results of the Roadmap will be and is planning on it. It devolved into this because understanding and cooperation between Bush and Sharon is critical to my theory and I kept imagining the conversations they had to have had.

Anywho, the essential points to my theory are:
1) Bush is not an idiot. I know that many of his detractors like to paint him that way but it simply isn't so. That's the standard lefty caricature of every republican president. Righties do a similar thing with painting democractic presidents as philandering, lying criminals. Oh, wait. I guess Clinton did that himself. Bush speaks relatively slowly. He has an accent. He accentuates his points to an uncommon degree. These are not indications of idiocy. They are indications of being from Texas. (And speaking as a voluntary southerner I can tell y'all that we're pretty sick of that particular stereotype.)
2) Bush's advisors are not idiots. Unlike certain philandering liers under oath, Bush's appointees are fairly well suited for their positions.
3) Ariel Sharon is not an idiot. I don't think that even his detractors advance this theory much but it's important to my summary so I'm stating it in my points.
4) The Roadmap's basic premise is that both sides must work towards a peaceful resolution. Both sides constantly profess that this is their true desire. Israel has consistently proven that this is actually their goal. The PA and the terrorist groups have consistently proven that this is not their goal.

So, given these points, why is there a Roadmap at all? There must be a reason that Bush's advisors would craft it, Bush would advance it and Sharon would endorse it. My belief is that they all know that the Roadmap is not feasible due to the inate inability of the Palestinians to work towards their own best interest. I believe that the Roadmap is being used to once and for all show with incontrovertible proof that the Palestinians cannot govern themselves to peace and to allow Israel enough popular world support to protect themselves from Palestinian terrorist attacks.

Another thing to note is that even though the Hudna was a PR sham (Casualties since Aug 26, 2003) and the terrorists used that slow time to rearm and plan, the IDF made excellent use of it as well. They certainly seem to have been ready for when the terrorists slipped their bit.

Posted by: Jim at 10:36 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Microbes on Parade update

The Ecosystem is healthy again and I need your votes for best post in the New Blog Showcase. I submitted Kids Trade Bad Habits Like Pokemon Cards and I'm currently in second place! You can vote for me by participating in the Ecosystem and linking to that Bad Habits post on your weblog. Even if you don't want to vote, definitely check out the Showcase. There's some good stuff in there, much variety, and you may just find that elusive blog you've been secretly yearning for.

Posted by: Jim at 08:58 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Maybe I am hung over

That's the finest collection of snarky rudeness that's come out of me in ages. Time to email Kate for the next Snark Hunt!

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Built like a brick shithouse

Where the hell did that phrase come from? This is a complement on a girl's figure. A compliment. Comparing a supposedly lucious bod to a an outhouse in the most vulgar manner imaginable is an apparently logical function in the English language? No wonder the migrant workers here stick to Spanish. Damn. Double damn. Now I've got that awful Commodore's song running through my head.

Posted by: Jim at 12:00 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I had wings again for dinner last night

Lil Bro is a cultured enthusiast of the spiced delight and has not been able to get a decent wing for years (They do not exist in the North Left - there's some trade agreement between Starbucks and Microsoft that precludes them). Coming home late from Stone Mountain we decided to partake of dinner at a local eatery. This particular place is called Buffalos and they claim to have been made famous by their exceptional Buffalo Wings. They are foul and cretious liars. They do not love the wing. Lil Bro and I both ordered "Scorchin" wings. This is the level beyond "Hot". In a decent wing house in Buffalo an order of suicidal wings ("Suicidal" is the correct term. Their use of "Scorchin" should have clued me in right away that they were impostors.) would be remarkably close to my own handcrafted beauties. These were not suicidal. They were not scorchin. They were not hot or even medium-hot. They were barely medium. They were not crispy on the outside and delicately juicy on the inside. They were served with a profanity of vegetable matter assaulting them. They were served with "Bleu Cheese Dippin Sauce" that most closely resembled ranch dressing with black spotules in it. This uncouth offensive against my palate shall not go unrevenged. The karmic backlash alone should, at a minimum, result in the near destruction of their foul establishment.

Posted by: Jim at 11:59 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Dear Mr. Wigger:

Yes, you. Driving in your tricked out dedication to mass produced individuality, slouched low in the seat in unintentional but humorous immitation of a blue haired suburbanite, single hand at the 12:00 position to further degrade your already sabotaged field of view, four busted 15" speakers belching out the cracked baseline of the lastest gangsta turned hipster. You are not a playa. You are a jackass. As you tool through the bucolic streets of Duluth there is not a single person who sees you and buys your pathetic attempt at cultural impersonation. When you pulled up next to me at the stoplight it gave me extreme pleasure to bollux your attempt to race ahead and cut in front of me on our little one lane road. How did it feel to have your lowrider riceburner outclassed by an aging Aerostar?

Posted by: Jim at 11:59 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I'm not hung over today

This is perplexing and worrying. Perplexing because I consumed better than a six pack last night in a span of only two hours. Perplexing because I was messed up enough to jump out of bed late for work and dive in the shower only to have Lovely Wife yell out an interrogation of my efforts as it was only 12:30 in the morning. Worrying because I'm not a drinker any more. Oh, I used to be. Back when I lived at E's place there was a keg fridge in the basement and we rotated those on a very regular basis. But since marriage and children happened, my semiregular bouts of debauchery have ceased. My once legendary tolerance for the amber potion has evaporated. In the past 4 days I've consumed more than I probably have in the past 4 years. By all rights I should have an explosive cranium today but all I have is an unquenchable thirst and drooping eyes from lack of sleep. Am I exceptionally lucky or is the bod returning to its party form? Hopefully its luck. I can't keep up with Jim of 5 years ago.

Posted by: Jim at 11:58 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Blog, blog, blog

Wow, I'm really blogging today, aren't I? Two referrals in less than two hours. I'm not sure if I've had two of those since I put this site up.

Anyway, I've got a couple of nice "(SBD) style" posts that I'm working on but you won't see those or much of anything else from me for a few days. My little bro is in town visiting from the apple state. I haven't seen him since he was a kid (he's 26 now) and I just saw you today so you can see why I've got to give him the preferential treatment.

Have a great weekend everybody. Don't wait up, I'll be out late.

Posted by: Jim at 04:20 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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