I'm a winner!

Screw the Weblog Awards, I won a Windie!

The Jimmy from the Block Award goes to the Jim who most remembers the little people.

See? I told you all that talking about dwarfs would pay off some day.

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The party's over

The 2004 Weblog Awards have closed. My site didn't win and none of the sites I endorsed won. I think you all can see what this means.

If you want to win in the 2005 Weblog Awards you damned well better not have me plugging your site. I will begin taking bribes to that effect. Just click the PayPal button in the sidebar and put the following in the memo section when you make payment: "2005 Weblog Awards bribe - For the love of God please don't plug my site."

Just like NPR, I offer various levels of contribution:

$5 - Snooze Button Dreams will not actively campaign for your site.
$10 - Snooze Button Dreams will not mention that we are voting for your site.
$25 - Snooze Button Dreams will not mention your site at all for the duration of the voting.
$50 - Snooze Button Dreams will eradicate any mention of your site, remove all links and trackbacks except for an active spin campaign where we will campaign against your site. We're pretty sure this will guarantee a victory for you.

Posted by: Jim at 11:55 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Who are the people in your neighborhood?

The newest person in mine is Tiffany! Blown Fuse has been subborned moved into Munuviana.

And so we continue in our quest to take over the world, one blog at a time.

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More stupidity

You're in your van and your two year old daughter is asleep in the back seat. You've got to stop and pick something up from the office. Do you:

A) Wake the tyke up and bring her inside with you?
B) Lock the doors and roll up the windows and go in alone?
C) Leave the van running and unlocked with your sleeping child inside while you go into the building alone?
D) A or B
E) Anything except "C". Really, just about anything you can possibly think of besides "C". Don't pick "C"!

If you picked "C", how would you feel while watching the van drive away?

Lovely Wife comments on a local woman who chose poorly.

Posted by: Jim at 11:55 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Stupidity runs rampant

The building where I work is four stories high and is shaped like the number 8. In the empty spaces in the middle are nice little park like areas with trees, bushes, flowers, gravel strewn walking paths and stone benches. Windows look in on these idyllic areas on all sides of every floor.

To all appearances there is no way to get into them. There are no doors to them. None of the windows in the building open, including the first floor windows where these gardens are located. I've been confounded by this since I started working here. The grounds are tended, bushes trimmed, paths cleared - obviously maintenance people are getting in there. I figured I was missing some obvious ingress and have been casually searching for them for a month. How do people get into these micro parks?

Today I discovered the answer. The maintenance people lower a scaffolding from the roof, much like the window-washer scaffolds on skyscrapers. There really is absolutely no way for people to get into these park areas. They are faux paths, unused and unusable.

Why in the world would they go through the trouble of creating and maintaining these areas while keeping everybody out? What brilliant architect came up with this idea? "Oh, I've got a good one! We'll put little park areas in the center of the building. Trees, bushes, flowers, bird baths, nice paths and benches to sit on - people love stuff like that. But to limit maintenance costs we won't let anybody get to them. That way we don't have to worry about litter and things like that."

With all of the rampantly moronic things I've seen in my life you'd think that new evidence of professional grade stupidity would cease to shock me. Fortunately I retain my childlike wonder that people can be this dumb and continue to function.

Posted by: Jim at 11:55 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Puberty Love

It just came to me in a flash. Mars Attacks is just a remake of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. I'm too stunned to comment adequately. It's like a piece of my youth has been used as a mung rag, peed on and then "taken" in the biblical sense.

I go now to cry softly in a corner.

Posted by: Jim at 08:23 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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Bill's Back!

And he's a Munu now!

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Notes from Chicago

It has been a few years since I traveled by plane. The last time I flew was before 9/11. Things have changed. Now when you go to the counter to check in there are self-serve kiosks to help speed the way. Unfortunately these require many of the same skills that you need to operate a microwave oven (besides pressing the "popcorn" button). Also very unfortunately the average traveler seems to lack so much as the ability to use a calculator. The net result is that it still takes the same amount of time to check in but now you are pissed at your fellow travelers instead of the counter personnel.

A cheeseburger and a slice of cake will cost $35 if you order it through room service. This includes tax, $2.50 delivery fee plus mandatory 19% gratuity. When you sign the slip to charge it to your room there is a line for additional tip. Yeah, right-o Buckwheat. Try again.

Michigan Ave in Chicago is a full strip of some of the greatest boutiques, shops and vendors you'll find anywhere. It can stand toe to toe with upscale merchant districts in any major metropolis in the world. The bag most frequently seen in my travels down Michigan Ave? The Gap. You can take the rube out of the mall but you can't take the mall out of the rube. more...

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Elevator tanka

Elevator sign:
"Out of order - Men at work".
I press the button.
The screams, they are horrific.
I guess I'll walk down the stairs.

A "tanka", for those of you unfamiliar with the beast, is a poetic form similar to but older than the haiku. It has five lines of 5,7,5,7 and 7 syllables. Feel free to try some for yourself.

Nope, not back yet. Another Trickle post for your entertainment. See how much I love y'all? It's not everybody who'd go to these lengths to keep y'all amused, you know.

Posted by: Jim at 11:55 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Happy Birthday!

My fourth child turned a year old today. Of course the babe was adopted months ago but I'm still mighty happy to see the little bugger his the first anniversary mark.

Go visit adopting daddy Gary Cruse and see what the Bestofme Symphony looks like on its first birthday.

Posted by: Jim at 03:43 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Good clean fun

Ryan's post is hillarious but Joshua's comment on it takes humor down up to new levels.

Nope, I'm not back. This post brought to you by the wonder that is Trickle.

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Comment party, drinks are on the house

Well my friends I'll be incommunicado until Thursday as I brave the bitter cold wastes of Chicago. Fortunately my hotel connects to our office building so at least I won't be freezing my nads off walking to work.

Whilst I'm gone avail yourselves of this space, so generously granted by yours truly, to toss out ribald bon mots, incessant chatterings and other nuggets of your literary genius. I'll be quite sad if there aren't at least a half dozen terrifically naughty jokes here when I get back.

Coming next week:

Rebirth of the ProtoMonkey

Another caption contest

The political party startup

Possible anecdotes about the Chicago trip

Posted by: Jim at 06:00 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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The well equipped brigadier profanes of tin-foil

Tis true! Tin-foil hats are passe. They're so...so...so 1998. The modernly festooned brigade member wears this delightful accessory, cunningly crafted from layers of electrostatic insulating polymer shoved into a WWI Snoopy pilot's hat:

What better statement could there be to signify "I've got my shit together" than to have this ingenious contraption strapped to one's noggin? All of the mind protecting power of thin sheets of metal with none of the nasty crinkly noises. The future is now.

No longer shall they be known as the tin-foil hat brigade. Nay I say! From this point forward they shall be called the Velostat Visionaries!

That site does give us one gem of useful information. Specifically, never ever allow your children to attend Temple University. The Grand High Poobah of the Velostat Visionaries is a tenured professor there.

(Hat tip to Dopple-G)

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The caption aftermath

Oh, there were some good ones. Some less good ones too but we can save them for reuse in the election commercials two years hence.

In case you forgot this was the picture.

And without further ado here are the lucky winners!

Grand Prize: 5 points
John Kerry Attempts to Ride Swiftboat Record to Presidential Victory
Craig

First runner up: 3 points (selected by the nutless dog)
"I think we will just tie up here"
Jeremy

Second runner up: 2 points (selected by a small child)
Excellent work! Now let's get some pole dancers onboard and make a party of it.
Spirit Fingers

Third runner up: 1 point (selected by a small, nutless dog child)
Alright, you can drive now.
Simon

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1 plus 1 equals ewwwww

Some things go together naturally and the symbiosis of the two is something better than the parts individually. Whether they're good or bad individually these blessed pairs become something onderful when added together. Take peanut butter and chocolate, Lovely Wife and I, alcohol and ladies of questionable moral fiber, or Michael Moore and a suppurating head wound.

On the other hand when some items are paired up they create a twisted melange far worse than either of the two taken separately. That's what we're here to discuss - things that go together...badly. Individually they may be good or bad but together they are horrific. I'll start us off, y'all chime in with comments.

1. patent leather shoes + bunions


2. morning wood + overcapacity bladder


3. explosive diarrhea + plugged toilet


4. Michael Moore + almost anything except a suppurating head wound


5. thong Speedos + any male


6. masturbation + mother-in-law


7. Natalie Maines + a clue


8. blogs + lists


9. pedantic newscaster + documents revealed as forgeries after the most cursory inspection


10. Paris Hilton + any recording device

Your turn!

Posted by: Jim at 11:55 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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I want theme music

UPDATE: The current Blogosphere Theme Soundtrack is in the extended entry. Add your theme music in the comments and I'll add you to the Soundtrack! This post will be stickified for a bit whilst I collect the songs.

---

I was thinking about this on the way into work today. I could really use some theme music. You know what I mean, right? The sound sample that plays whenever the hero walks into the scene. Shaft had that bow-chicka-bow-wow thing and James Bond has that snippet that's been around for 40 years and just says "BOND IS HERE". Theme music. That's what I need.

I was thinking a good one for me would be that part of Won't Get Fooled Again where Townshend Daltrey cuts loose with that "Yeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!" that so inspired Howard Dean. That would be perfect for me. When you walk into the conference room along with an energetic antiestablishmentarianist "Yeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!" along with that kick ass bass line you get people's attention. But then I got to thinking. Who songs are popping all over products these days and I'd hate to end up with my theme music being associated with a Kia wagon or marshmallows some day.

So I tried to think of music that would never have a chance of ever being adopted as a corporate jingle but the sad fact is that anything decent had a decent chance of being sold to pimp toothpaste eventually. I figured I'd have to take a chance that my theme music would eventually be co-opted else I'd end up with something from the B52s or Oasis and we just can't have that.

After much hemming and hawing, deliberation and debate (hey, if you can't debate with yourself then who can you debate with?) I settled on this one.

Now I've just got to find a decent boom box.

more...

Posted by: Jim at 11:55 AM | Comments (45) | Add Comment
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The Snooze Ticket

The 2004 Weblog Awards polls are now open, featuring yours truly and quite a few of the folks in my sidebar. I pulled out all of the Munuvians who made the cut and posted that over at the central Munuviana blog.

The campaigning and politicking for votes promises to be fierce. You won't find that here, of course. As exemplified by our failed presidential campaign, I am an incredibly lazy politician with almost no skills whatsoever in successful campaigning.

So without further ado, here's who you should vote for. Voting for other people in these contests will make me sad. I could possibly enter a pouting state if things get bad enough. You can (and should!) vote once each day in each poll. The poll category lines link to the actual polls, the blog names link to the blogs. You're probably reading all of these regularly anyway but I've included the links just in case.

BEST ONLINE COMMUNITY
Munuviana

BEST ASIAN BLOG
Simon World

BEST AUSTRALIA OR NEW ZEALAND BLOG
Ambient Irony

BEST OF THE TOP 100 - 250 BLOGS***
Bad Example
Patriot Paradox

BEST OF THE TOP 500 - 1000 BLOGS*
Snooze Button Dreams - This is the most important one!

BEST OF THE TOP 1000 - 1750 BLOGS**
Everyday Stranger
Boudicca's Voice

BEST OF THE TOP 1750 - 2500 BLOGS
Ravings of a Corporate Mommy

BEST OF THE TOP 5000 - 6750 BLOGS
Ilyka Damen

* Jen would have been in this category if she made the cut. Since she didn't get in due to some administrative oversite, thus giving me some small chance of victory a guarantee of victory in the face of all other blogs, I'm pledging to share my award with her if when I win.

** Both of these lovely ladies fell into the same category. Voting for either of them will make me happy. You do want me to be happy, don't you?

*** Similar to the ladies, supporting either of these two gents is goodness incarnate. Yeah, I know that this third footnote is referenced first. It came on an edit, okay? Live with it.

Posted by: Jim at 03:39 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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Just write it already

I meant to write this a while ago. In fact I started to write it several times. Each time I did it got bigger and more confusing and was abandoned. So here goes the ultimate stripped down version:

1. The illness I mentioned casually here, the one I was taking medication for, is a bit more serious than I let on.


2. Around the time I first heard that I was going to be out of a job I started to get sick. Pain all over. Very nasty.


3. Didn't see a doctor right away - thought it was stress from the crap at work.


4. Eventually went to the doctor when I could no longer NOT go to a doctor.


5. Preliminary diagnosis of fybromyalgia (means "everything hurts") - I had every symptom, seemed a pretty safe diagnosis.


6. Tests showed high levels of serum aldolase (muscle protein in my blood) indicating spontaneous muscle degeneration.


7. Doc took about half of my blood (7 tubes! WTF?) to run a series of every blood test known to man.


8. Doc gave me Ambien so I could get some sleep and Zoloft to restore my natural sleep cycle, which had been totally fubarred from the illness.


9. Zoloft eliminated my creative writing abilities. And my imagination. It made me very lumpish. This was very disconcerting.


10. Ruled out fibromyalgia. Possibly could be polymyositis or dermatomyositis, both of which sound way less "venereal diseasish" than fybromyalgia.


11. My job was eliminated and I joined the ranks of the unemployed.


12. Went to a specialist.


13. Specialist took more blood, a load of x-rays and gave me Vioxx for the pain.


14. Specialist ruled out the non venereal diseasish sounding illnesses.


15. Specialist diagnosed the feet as having severe Plantar Fasciitis.


16. Specialist injected molten lava (aka cortisone) into my plantar tendons. No, check that. Molten lava probably wouldn't have hurt that badly.


17. I vowed to kill anybody who ever threatens me with cortisone injections. The jury will accept my assertion that it was done in self-defense.


18. Began feeling progressively better.


19. Tests came back.


20. Serum aldolase levels getting lower.


21. Specialist informs me that I have a genetic disposition to some bad bone problems later in life. Unrelated to current problems.


22. Specialist gives me diagnosis of "spontaneous muscle degeneration, source unknown, possibly viral".


23. Specialist loads me up with Vioxx because...


24. COBRA insurance coverage runs out. No money to keep this going.


25. Vioxx is recalled from the market.


26. Ran out of Ambien.


27. Got a job. Yay!


28. Stopped taking Zoloft.


29. Brain returned to normal function. Yay!


30. I vowed to kill anybody who ever threatens me with Zoloft. The jury will accept my assertion that it was done in self-defense.


31. Ran out of Vioxx. Yeah, I was still taking it. Choice between functional with chance of heart attack or non-functional. Functional won.


32. Stopped feeling progressively better.


33. Started feeling worse.


34. Got insurance again. Yay!


35. First day off will be in January. Will try to get Saturday appointment with docs before then.

And there we are. Currently I'm functional. I'm in nowhere near the shape I was in when I finally surrendered my stubbornocity and went to see my doc. (Incidentally, he had some choice words for me over my decision to wait so long before coming in.) I can walk around, just not real walking like we used to do. I can stand on my feet long enough to cook dinner. I can wrestle with the boys. I'm basically fully functional, just with limited duration.

Please do not be pissed that I didn't mention all of this months ago. At first I didn't know what was going on, then my normal obstinacy kicked in, then it was explained to me in no uncertain terms by a certain somebody who will remain nameless though you may recognize her from her supreme fisking skills (even though she hates fisking) that the view from outside is that of friends who care and are genuinely concerned and feel pretty shat upon that I played this so close to the vest so I decided that I would indeed let some folks know about it, then I figured I'd make a post about it, then the post got too big and complicated, then I basically relegated the whole thing to the back burner, then another friend inquired yesterday and I remembered just why I was going to make a post in the first place, so then I wrote this post that has gotten much larger than I was planning on writing but what the hell I'm at the very end now so it's finished and I can just publish it and call it a done deal.

Posted by: Jim at 11:55 AM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
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The monkey's paw

RP inquired about Protomonkey a few days ago. There's been one post in the past 3 months and he was wondering when I might put up something new. I didn't answer right back because I really didn't have an answer.

The purpose behind Protomonkey was to separate my creative writing (tall tales, short stories, essays) from the rest of the stuff here at Snooze Button Dreams. I thought that if I set up a separate site with a goal of posting one item a week it would get me back into the habit of writing that type of work. Well, it didn't work very well.

Turns out that type of work either comes or it doesn't. I'm an abysmally poor 'on demand' type of writer. When the muse is with me the stuff pours out. When the fickle bitch smacks her ass on the way out the door I end up staring at a blinking cursor.

In my mind Protomonkey had failed. In fact when I posted that recent short story it went here without even a thought of putting it on the 'classy' blog. Can I force it to work? No, I don't really think so. I'm just not a performance writer. I'm not dogging myself here, I'm just acknowledging that my writing style isn't conducive to a regularly scheduled metered output.

If I just post the Protomonkey-type stuff when it happens to get written that site will never attract a following. People just don't follow a site that is scantily and infrequently updated. It would be a waste of effort to put my gems in a location where few if any people will read them.

So Protomonkey is doomed? Maybe not. I'm not the only blogger out there who writes the occasional story. Protomonkey could succeed as a team blog, if it had a decent amount of support. So here's my idea:

1) Protomonkey becomes a group blog.
2) Posts can be short stories, tall tales, creative works, etc. or links to the same type of post on other blogs.
3) Members can therefore post their own stuff or link to their own stuff or that of the people who they read.
4) Membership would be figuratively unlimited. In the event that it gets too big and unwieldy we can deal with such happy fate at a later date.

Thoughts? Comments? Anybody care for a mint?

Posted by: Jim at 12:31 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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The weather outside is frightful, but the awards they're delightful

The turkey's gone and the fat man in red isn't here yet. That means it's time for Blogosphere Awards!

The king daddy of 'em all is the 2004 Weblog Awards, organized by Kevin at Wizbang. Nominations are complete and voting starts later today. I shall annoy y'all for votes later if I make the category cut.

New for this year are The Edublog Awards, focusing on weblogs of an educational bent.

Last but not least are the 2004 Asian Blog Awards. This year they're hosted by our very own Simon.

It's like a disease - we just can't stop voting.

Posted by: Jim at 11:55 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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