February 18, 2004
The Goody Box
Do you have a Goody Box at work? It's a cardboard display with all sorts of chips, cookies, microwave popcorn, cup-a-soup, etc, that's brought in and stocked by some local vending company. It's the stuff you'd find in a classic vending machine except it's just in this open cardboard thing with a cardboard box with a slit where you put your money (All items 75 cents!). There's one sitting by the printers on the other side of the building and another in the break room slash kitchen. They work on the honor system. You want a Snickers bar, you're supposed to put in your 3 quarters.
My problem is that I don't have any money. I don't mean I'm destitute, y'all. I mean I don't carry cash. Like ever. Except for vending machines (or vending cardboard boxes) the old debit card works for just about anything. So what do I do when I'm pouring my coffee and I look over and see those Lorna Doone cookies staring at me? What could possibly complete a morning cup of coffee like shortbread cookies? Do I just take a pack of cookies? That's stealing, even if it is from a faceless corporation. The guilt would just crush me if I did that (I am a recovering Catholic after all). No, what I've had to do every day for the past several months was wipe that single tear from my eye, pass by the coveted Lorna Doones and retire to my desk to attempt to enjoy a suddenly tasteless cup of coffee.
That's what I had to do until recently anyway. You see, we got a new vending box last month. It looks the same as the old one - cardboard half box with the cardboard safe that has a slit on top for money deposit and prepacked snack delights filling up the display portion - except for one small detail. This one has a little Master Card/Visa sticker on the pay box. Hallelujiah and saints be praised! I just swipe my debit card in and out of that cardboard slot, take the beloved Lorna Doone cookies and enjoy them with a clear conscience. I was a bit concerned at first because there was no slip to sign but then I remembered that signatures aren't required for purchases under $50.
It's odd that none of my purchases showed up on my last bank statement. They must process all of the transactions in a batch and they just haven't hit mine yet. Yeah, that's the ticket.
Posted by: Jim at
04:55 PM
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*Helen sits Jim down on a bench and assumes cooing, talking as though to a wild animal*
Jim, my precious....if there's one thing that you must learn here and now...
...it's that there is no such thing as recovering from Catholicism.
No go atone and pay the little cardboard box.
Posted by: Helen at February 19, 2004 08:25 AM (q4AbD)
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How about "reformed Catholic" then?
And there's no way I'm putting money in that box unless I get a candle!
Posted by: Jim at February 19, 2004 10:09 AM (IOwam)
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Ha! That answer was hilarious.
You are forgiven, my son.
Posted by: Helen at February 19, 2004 10:56 AM (Qjb3P)
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Told you so!
Mad Cow Disease? Pshaw! Meat's good for what ails you. Now veggies - those things will kill you. Why there are two rampant viruses in
onions alone!
Alex Csinos, a plant pathologist at the university's Coastal Plain Experiment Station [said] "How extensive it is, we don't know. How debilitating it will be, that also is unknown."
I say Hah and Hah again!
(Hat tip to Lovely Wife)
Posted by: Jim at
04:20 PM
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Snagglepuss
I've never been a flosser. It could be because I come from a family of non-flossers or maybe it's because my teeth are fairly tight and when I tried flossing way back when it was too uncomfortable. Maybe the seeping blood from your gums if you misjudge and hit them with the
razor wire floss just turned me off. Whatever the reason I've just never been one to floss. I made up for it by being a militant tooth brusher. Once as soon as I wake up, once before leaving for work, once when getting home from work, once before bed. I used to also brush at work after lunch. I'll still add another brushing in there as needed if my mouth feels nasty.
Bear and Bacon recently had dental hygienists into their school to teach the kids how important tooth care was and to give the basics on brushing and flossing. Now anybody with kids will know what that means. They learned something in school that we didn't do at home. This became the absolute most important thing in the world to them. If they didn't floss then all of their teeth were going to fall out! They'd be overrun by plaque! Their breath would stink so bad that they could conceivably kill the birds with the poisonous gasses issuing from their orifices. (Personally I think that this was a bit over the top. If the birds could live through years of babies with crap pants I doubt they'd kick the bucket from nasty breath. Anyway...)
So Lovely Wife found these neat pre-loaded floss doohickeys. No fumbling around with the wax string and shoving fingers into mouths. Oh, no. Not with these sexy dental beauties. They are slick, easy to use and very efficient. So I tried 'em out.
My teeth are still very tight and it was hard to work the string on down between them. I still misjudged a couple times and was rewarded with crimson spit as my gums protested being sliced by the razor wire floss. And my efforts were rewarded as I dislodged some unidentifiable thing that smelled vaguely like raw sewage. I gagged. Seriously. I fought down the urge to puke. I then realized that I had just found evidence that there was something rotting inside my mouth. I fought down the urge to puke again.
I am now a militant flosser in addition to being a militant brusher.
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A man called 'Brian'
This man called 'Brian'
The man they called 'Brian'
This man called 'Brian'!
Apologies for the Monty Python moment.
The Bonfire of the Vanities is burning brightly at Kin's Kouch. Not sure how I got renamed but we'll go with it. Brian's my brother's name and it's a fitting tribute to attach it to a Bonfire entry.
Incidentally, Kin rates my entry as perfect for the Bonfire.
Highlights: None
Gore: none Bad Special Effects: nada Sex: nope Horrid Acting: not here
That's right. Absolutely nothing of value. Bonfire perfection.
I do so totally rock.
Posted by: Jim at
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Yes, yes. I admit...I goofed. I'm man enough to admit it. Well, not on my own blog, but I'll do it here. It was late. I was in a hotel in Milan. I hadn't had enough sugar. I was having a bad hair day (which means I woke up with less then the day before). I had your entry right after Brian Noggle's and I thought he wrote yours. I'm a bad, bad, bad person. Bad. With a capital B.
Does this get me points?
Posted by: Kin at February 18, 2004 11:42 AM (MWUiH)
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Jim, I bow humbly before your deityish suckitude.
Posted by: Harvey at February 18, 2004 12:17 PM (tJfh1)
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I just thought your post was so bad you used a pseudonym...
Posted by: Susie at February 18, 2004 07:48 PM (0+cMc)
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Kin - Yes, such abjection deserves a reward. Welcome to the point board.
Harvey - First you hand me the "King Twisted" crown, now you say I have godlike suckitude? You're quickly becoming my favorite blogger.
Susie - Ouch. Just ouch.
Posted by: Jim at February 18, 2004 08:15 PM (saeHM)
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February 17, 2004
He's got style, he's got grace...
He's got the switcherbar in place!
Yes my beloved fans, Rob has got the style switcher working and you can now select from three (count them - three!) fantastic styles (also designed by Rob). Just use that dropdown box at the top of the sidebar to pick your preferred look.
One more will be coming - that fun-lovin' style worked up by The Bartender.
Comments on the styles are very welcome. Which is going to be your Snooze? Let me know. And let Rob know how much ass he kicks, too.
And in case you didn't notice yet, he's also put in the "view comments in the post" doohicky and the "show trackbacks in the post" whatchamacallit. I know the terms are technical so please try to stay with me here.
Hey Rob? You rock!
Points: 2 points to the first person to source the inspiration for this post title. No searches please.
If you'd like to get an email notification when posts with points get posted just put your email address in that box in the sidebar (the one in the "Snooze Points" section). That'll give you a chance against the hordes who just hover on my site hitting refresh all day in order to be the first ones with a chance to guess.
Posted by: Jim at
12:32 PM
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Yay Rob!
The stylesheets might still need a few tweaks here and there, but great work.
I'll have to ask him what the final hurdle was...
Posted by: Pixy Misa at February 17, 2004 12:46 PM (jtW2s)
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Yes, Rob is the man. Definitely.
I think the title comes from She's A Lady and I think it's by Tom Jones. But I'm not gonna go to Google and verify that 'cause that would be cheating.
Posted by: ilyka at February 17, 2004 01:07 PM (QMEhL)
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Theme song for the Miss America Pageant. I am loving the skins! Makes me wanna get some. I wonder how many ways a person can capitalize on the theme of defecation and discourse.
Posted by: Christine at February 17, 2004 01:10 PM (Q/NXM)
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inspiration is that "Seasons in the Sun" song.
We had joy we had fun
We had seasons in the sun
Skins are great. With dreamy I can actually read the font in my default size. Yippee
Posted by: MojoMark at February 17, 2004 01:38 PM (E+LQu)
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Oh, man. I forgot about Tom Jones. And after that horrific joke I posted a short while back! How embarrassing.
I'll take Tom Jones as I know that one too. A brace of points for Ilyka!
There's one different song that I was thinking of today that shares some lyrics with Tom. That's the one I was actually thinking of today and there's another 2 points to the first person to name it.
Miss America and Seasons in the Sun are both not it but feel free to try again.
Posted by: Jim at February 17, 2004 01:53 PM (IOwam)
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I'm liking dreamy the best. Bright, cheerful, easy on the eyes.
Posted by: Harvey at February 17, 2004 02:46 PM (tJfh1)
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As someone who suffered through the Madonna years in high school, it is a phrase in that horrible "Vogue" song, only I think it's "They've got style, they've got grace."
Posted by: Helen at February 18, 2004 03:04 AM (LlC75)
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Or wait- is it that "Putting on the Ritz" song?
Posted by: Helen at February 18, 2004 06:37 AM (YwEKa)
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They had style, they had grace
Rita hayworth gave good face
Another one that wasn't what I was thinking of but also fits and I know it. 2 points for Helen!
Still 2 points out there for the one that I was actually thinking of.
Posted by: Jim at February 18, 2004 06:40 AM (saeHM)
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Oh, and Putting on the Ritz isn't the one, by the way.
Posted by: Jim at February 18, 2004 06:43 AM (saeHM)
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Lovely Wife has gone with "Dreamy". Just thought you'd like to know. ;-)
Posted by: Jim at February 18, 2004 07:23 AM (saeHM)
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Where on earth do you get these things? No one's got it even now? You pick the most impossible triviaoke!
Posted by: ilyka at February 19, 2004 11:22 AM (WbvXM)
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My eclectic trivia is daunting, is it not? I am where odd facts an minutia go to die.
The answer is "This Love" by Bad Company (one of my all time favorite bands).
I know you're not just a pretty face,
you've got style, you've got grace
I would have accepted Ethel Merman too, though.
I got style, I got taste.
Got the whole world on a plate.
Posted by: Jim at February 19, 2004 11:29 AM (IOwam)
14
Definatly Seasons in the sun
Posted by: Jeremy at February 20, 2004 08:16 AM (hBMbi)
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Nagodobo is a liar and a thief!
I was cleaning up some old emails this morning when I ran across a gem of a conversation between
Ilyka and myself. It was from the time when she was hosting the
Bestofme Symphony and suffering the deluge of spam that goes with temporary stewardship of the public submission address. As this email was right next to one from Nguzo Makagbo I took it as a sign that this must be shared with the world at large.
Ilyka: I've received one other submission, so the forward's working okay.
Oh, and spam. Definitely have received some spam. Want to go into business with a Ghana national who only needs your bank account # in which to transfer the secret-secret proceeds from his father's failed kingdom?
Jim: Sorry about the spam. One of the drawbacks of a publicly posted email address. At least you can be comforted that the spam stream will be flooding someone else next week.
PS - Never reply to the emails from Ghana, they're all a bunch of thugs and liars. The Nigerian classic is the way to go.
Ilyka: I don't know why you have to be hatin' on Ghana like that. They didn't invent the spam; they just perfected it! And Mr. Nagodobo assured me that he is a well-bred gentleman of royal descent. He gave me his WORD.
Jim: Mr. Nagodobo? I don't know if I'd trust him. I had a message from Doctor Ndroge's widow and she told me all about how her good husband the doctor had loyally served the insurgent government while acquiring a fortune of several million US dollars only to be slain in a royalist uprising. She had to be telling the truth BECAUSE IT WAS ALL CAPITALIZED. The poor thing needs my help badly as both the good doctor's former employers as well as the royalists want her inheritance.
Beware Nagodobo. He's probably just using you to find Ndroge's hidden funds.
Ilyka: Oh--you know I can't top "She had to be telling the truth BECAUSE IT WAS ALL CAPITALIZED." I'm out.
Jim: Sorry I had to GO CAPS on you, but you know what they say - a weapon unused is a useless weapon.
The morals of the story? Stick to the Nigerian scam - the original and still world leader in online scams.
And don't mess around with Jim.
Posted by: Jim at
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Why is that Dorito green?
Because it has the
Bold hint of guacamole! The bold hint of guacamole? Yes, that's right.
The commercial talks about the bold hint of guacamole.
Let's get a couple things straight. First, there is no such thing as a bold hint, okay? It's an oxymoron like "government efficiency", "PETA cares" or "French courage". Either it's bold or it's a hint but never the twain shall meet. Secondly, guacamole cannot be bold. It's a squashed avacado. Avacados are nature's milquetoasts. Finding bold guacamole is about as possible as finding a rational fundamentalist.
Posted by: Jim at
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The boldness of guacamole is function of the ratio of onios, garlic and jalepeno peppers to avocado. Clearly you're getting guacamole with far to high a avocado count.
Posted by: Stephen Macklin at February 17, 2004 11:38 AM (UquFN)
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Advocado is but one of the myriad ingrediants in a decent guacamole. You want bold? easy, up the chilli and the garlic... The last batch I made was so bold it couldn't be kept in a plastic container ... or in the house for that matter!
Posted by: Robert at February 17, 2004 11:54 AM (kXZI6)
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February 16, 2004
Rorshach Roarshack Rorschock Ink Blot Tests
Ever wonder what's in a Rorschach test?
Here's your chance to find out without shelling out the cash to pay for some psychiatrist's second yacht.
My answers are apparently very high ranking intellectually, quite low emotionally. See? I told you I was a rational adult!
Freud reading the results at the end is a nice touch too.
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
Posted by: Jim at
01:56 PM
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Freud...or a scary clown-wanna-be?
Mine were a mix between sexual and intellectual, before it went all scary clown-like. No surprise there
Posted by: Helen at February 16, 2004 02:18 PM (eCxc4)
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Thanks jag,
My 21" monitor shorted out when I spewed Diet Coke all over it from the unexpected shock of freakazoid assaulting my corneas.
One of these days your uppance will come!
Posted by: Paul at February 16, 2004 07:46 PM (SigKK)
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that scared me, my husband, the cat, the dog and the neighbors three houses down. My speakers were accidentally turned up. I hope you get severe indigestion and your windshield wipers leave streaks.
Posted by: Christine at February 16, 2004 08:29 PM (Q/NXM)
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Helen - "Scary Clown Wannabe". I like it! It's so fitting. Henceforth said personality shall forevermore be known on these pages as Scary Clown Wannabe.
Paul - Oh, boy. I can only imagine what that looked like on a 21" monitor. I had monitor envy for a split second before I remembered the shorting out part. Sorry about that.
Christine - I prepaid on the indigestion - had it over the weekend. I'll have to get back to you on the streaky wipers.
If it's any consolation to y'all, I had my very own experience with it this morning. Dopple-G sent it to me bright and early and I was in a pre-caffeinated state. I was staring at the stuff intently as I'd never done an ink blot test and I was keen on what it would be like. Then Blammo! Scary Clown Wannabe and Jim's very first heart attack (or as close as I really want to come anyway).
Posted by: Jim at February 16, 2004 08:58 PM (saeHM)
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Coitus Interruptus
Do you know how when you and your partner are both really tired on a Saturday afternoon and she's lying on the bed relaxing while you (for some unknown reason that even you can't explain except that it has something to do with your severe anal retentive nature) are checking your work email on your own time and then you finish up and shut down the computer and you lie down in the bed with her and just snuggle for a while until that certain spark starts up (most likely because she suddenly says "I am so horny right now") and you start fondling her but then you hear the kids coming down the hall so you distract them by telling them they can go to town on their entire box of Valentine's day candy and to stay in the front room and you and Mommy will be out in a little bit and then the two of you get under the covers giggling a bit because you're oh-so-naughty having a quickie in the middle of the day when the kids are up but not giggling too much because you're both so horny now that you can only really think of one thing and then you're rocking away in the spoon position and having a grand old time and then you hear your oldest child (the four year old) pipe up from the foot of the bed "Hey! Stop messing around!" and gives you a huge panic because even though you're under the covers you just got caught and you have that panic like you did when you were messing around in your parents' house way back when so you yell "Get in the living room now!" and when the confused lad runs out of the bedroom your Lovely Wife starts laughing and you can't help but laugh too in a mixture of relief and humor at the absurdity of the situation?
Me neither.
Posted by: Jim at
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[insert happy dance of childless joy here]
Nope, hasn't happened in my neck of the woods (except for certain sections of that first part).
Posted by: Harvey at February 16, 2004 02:20 PM (tJfh1)
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Boy...you are going to be in SO MUCH trouble when you come home!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: LW at February 16, 2004 03:41 PM (saeHM)
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Oh, you mean it was
THIS one that I wasn't supposed to post? I thought it was the
OTHER one. Guess I can post that other one now. ;-)
Posted by: Jim at February 16, 2004 03:45 PM (IOwam)
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Sure it's funny, but it's a surefire PK (passion killer). Plus your kid may be scared for life. The therapy will help.
Posted by: Simon at February 17, 2004 06:20 AM (FUPxT)
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Forget about the kid, I was traumatized far worse!
Posted by: Jim at February 17, 2004 07:13 AM (saeHM)
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I bet!After the beating you received yesterday for posting this.....
Posted by: LW at February 17, 2004 09:15 AM (saeHM)
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when you have sex your bodies produce these "phermones" that are kid attractants. Basically these phermones seep through the house even outside the house and attract YOUR kids to YOUR bedroom whilst you are having sex.
Posted by: pylorns at February 17, 2004 11:15 AM (FTYER)
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"I bet!After the beating you received yesterday for posting this"
Now you've got LW telling us about your S&M habits too! Is this going to turn into a subscription only site where I need a credit card.
I hope so.
:-)
Posted by: Simon at February 18, 2004 01:37 AM (UKqGy)
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That might be a decent way to raise some extra spending money. I'll think about it Simon!
Posted by: Jim at February 18, 2004 06:50 AM (saeHM)
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Sex, Lies, and Cheddar X
Updated 16 Feb: Contest results are in.
This is a very special edition of the Cheddar X. It's about SEX!!! Everything you've always wanted to know about my sex life but were (quite intelligently) afraid to ask. Ever wanted the truth behind that cow picture? The story of how I lost my virginity? How many partners I've had? Well you won't find answers to any of those but there's a lot of other titilating stuff.
There's also one answer that is a total and complete lie (and I don't mean the ones I brushed off humorously either). Can you spot it?
more...
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13's a lie. Autofellatio?
#1- ew.
#2, men aren't usually that flexible, even with assistance, and,
#3 what is so shocking about asking a babysitter to lick your penis?
Posted by: MojoMark at February 11, 2004 06:50 PM (E+LQu)
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Ah, but remember my youthful state. Kids are very limber. Plus she put sugar on Mr.Happy to encourage my efforts.
Posted by: Jim at February 11, 2004 07:22 PM (saeHM)
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I have to vote for autofelatio also. and you beat the .1 mil mark.
Posted by: tommy at February 11, 2004 07:29 PM (MhJXW)
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you must've been listening to too much Def Leppard back then.
Posted by: MojoMark at February 11, 2004 08:24 PM (E+LQu)
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That was many a year before hair bands arrived. To give you frame of reference, I graduated high school in '87.
Posted by: Jim at February 11, 2004 08:35 PM (saeHM)
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16. How long have you gone without sex with another person?
Almost 19 years. Man, I hope that never happens again.
That's my vote. I'm betting you "lost it" sooner than that.
The babysitter thing?--Just sick enough to be, potentially, true. I'm going to get my mind off that by contemplating your cow picture some more now.
Posted by: ilyka at February 11, 2004 10:13 PM (Dh+eB)
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Or relax with some nice artistic photos! ;-)
Posted by: Jim at February 11, 2004 10:25 PM (saeHM)
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I was through basic training and corp school before my cherry got popped. I did have oral sex before then but the first time I dipped my wick was after my 19th birthday.
Posted by: Jim at February 11, 2004 10:36 PM (saeHM)
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Just to get the rules straight - if I'm commenting on the one that's a lie I'm going to lie some more. Otherwise y'all would have no problem figuring out which one's the lie, or I'd have to not comment at all and that would be sad.
Posted by: Jim at February 11, 2004 10:39 PM (saeHM)
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The lie-you start at the ankles and work your way up on the porn.
Total lie.
Did I win?
Posted by: Helen at February 12, 2004 05:17 AM (DGQl+)
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OHMIGOD!
According to your site meter, you are at 100,148!
You hit the 100k mark! Who has won?
Posted by: Helen at February 12, 2004 05:18 AM (DGQl+)
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I'm a genuine leg man so if they're shown, that's where my eyes are going to start from.
Margi's the big winner. She's queen over 4 lesser winners. It's like a belated birthday present!
Posted by: Jim at February 12, 2004 07:34 AM (saeHM)
13
I think you're trying to pull another fast one on us.
#9 is the lie. You made that shit up for Writer's Noose - don't try to pawn it off on us as the real deal now!
(like I know... I just want points!)
Posted by: Mike the Marine at February 12, 2004 11:06 AM (IOX+E)
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The trick here is guessing not only which one is a lie, but which one of the lies Jim is willing to admit too. :-)
Anyway - if 16 & 17 are true, then 13 must be a lie.
Posted by: Clancy at February 12, 2004 01:56 PM (EGVPL)
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Clancy - Trying logic again? We saw what that bought you in the .1 Million Invitational. hehe
Mike - I
wish I had the imagination to make up stuff like that. I'd be writing for Penthouse instead of doing all this boring QA stuff every day.
Posted by: Jim at February 12, 2004 02:24 PM (IOwam)
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DAMMIT ALL! I coulda sworn you were fulla crap on that one.
Actually, I'm just really jealous....
Posted by: Mike the Marine at February 12, 2004 06:38 PM (r8Ldc)
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I could be full of crap on it. We won't find out until the weekend. ;-)
Posted by: Jim at February 12, 2004 09:43 PM (saeHM)
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I think you're lying on #11. "Not to the best of my knowledge?" Come ON! That's the standard response of a politican. I think you know for absolute certain whether or not you have had same sex activities.
Posted by: Christine at February 13, 2004 07:50 AM (Q/NXM)
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Ah, but the politicians use it because it works so well. To the best of my knowledge I've never smoked the bologne pony and my sphincters are all still in virgin condition.
Posted by: Jim at February 13, 2004 10:05 AM (saeHM)
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I vote for #1 -
Is Peacock really your or his last name?
Posted by: Tiffani at February 13, 2004 10:16 AM (xpNFK)
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Yup, and I have the emotional scars to prove it. A name like that is just begging for teasing and boy did I get it.
To make matters even worse, my family was cruel enough to call me "Jamie" instead of "Jim" so I got loads of crap for that too.
Posted by: Jim at February 13, 2004 10:46 AM (saeHM)
Posted by: Tiffani at February 13, 2004 10:52 AM (xpNFK)
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It's okay [sniff]. I don't even think about it any more [sniff, sniff]. It only brings up bad memories when someone callously reminds me of those terrible, terrible times [sniff]. I'm okay [sniff]. Really, I'm fine [sniff, sniff].
Posted by: Jim at February 13, 2004 10:59 AM (saeHM)
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I think 11 you either have or hav'nt "dont know" is just a cop out (see Tony blair "45 min dossier")
Posted by: Jeremy at February 15, 2004 08:56 AM (tpyGa)
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#14.....you HAVE paid for it...and I ain't talking $5 titty suck....
Posted by: Mitzi at February 15, 2004 10:37 PM (k93mu)
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WINNA WINNA CHICKEN DINNA!!
ROCK ON!! WOOHOO!!
Posted by: Mike the Marine at February 16, 2004 02:51 PM (r8Ldc)
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Dern! If only I had found this blog sooner! I had visited Niagara Falls once and gone to the Skylon Tower. When I was there, there was an emplyee riding the elevator with all the people. So I knew that #9 was the lie.
Posted by: Maxigumee at February 28, 2004 08:40 AM (dIP/S)
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Bestofme Symphony, 11th Edition
The
11th Bestofme Symphony is up at Yap Away Jay and ready to pleasure your Monday morning. Enjoy an ecclectic collection of the best in the blogosphere.
Hosting: Would you like to host the Symphony? Send me a note.
Submit to the Symphony: Want to be a part of next week's edition? Check out this post for submission help. Entries should always be sent to bestofme@jpeacock.net regardless of who the Symphony host is.
Spread the word: Webloggers, please give Dan a hand by spreading the word. The Symphony is a bit 'lean' this week so we could definitely use a bit of help here.
Email Reminders: If you'd like to be sent a reminder about the Symphony, drop me a line at this address. It's not a mailing list, just me sending out friendly little reminders. There'll be one on Thursday or Friday to remind you to submit for the next Symphony and one on Monday with the location of the newly posted Symphony.
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February 13, 2004
Begging for submission makes me feel so French.
Submissions are needed for the
Bestofme Symphony. It's crunch time, y'all.
Jay has only received a short handful of entries for the Feb 16 performance. Is the Symphony failing? It's all up to you.
Send your submissions to bestofme@jpeacock.net and they'll be in Monday's edition.
Remember, the only requirements are that you think the post is good and that it be at least 2 months old. Don't have your own blog? Who cares? Send in a favorite post from whatever author you'd like to.
Posted by: Jim at
06:57 PM
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I got nuthin'
Those of you who read yesterday's post on my hosting problems may have noted that we were taking the boys to the dentist. I took off a half day of work for it. I invested 4 hours of my precious time off to take my kids to the dentist. I figured that three kids, all at the same time, all of them dental virgins...there's going to be some seriously good material here! Who wouldn't take off from work to gather amazing writing fodder like what was guaranteed to be generated in a situation like that?
I was so freaking robbed. The kids behaved the entire time. The staff was great. The place was great. No screaming. No tantrums. No whining. No. Freaking. Anything. No material whatsoever.
Well, I could maybe bitch a bit about the mounds of paperwork but that'll just make me a whiner. I mean you've got two ways to go with paperwork bitching: tragic and humorous. Tragic doesn't work here because every one of you have done idiotic paperwork so you're not going to feel a bit of sympathy for me. Humorous doesn't work either - what's funny about a pile of tedious paperwork? That's like trying to make being smothered by a pillow into a funny anecdote. Just doesn't work.
So I've got nuthin' for you. I had planned on having some fantastic humorous or touching material for y'all to read today but we were stiffed. Despite sacrificing an entire half of a work day to the cause we've got a net zero. Why did my kids have to pick this of all days to behave? Why, God? Why?
I swear, next time I'll amp them up on coffee and candy bars before we take them in. I won't let you down again.
Posted by: Jim at
12:09 PM
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1
yeh.. the dentist's office is a lot friendlier these days, not like it was when we were kids - (does that give you any ideas?)
Posted by: jim at February 13, 2004 03:15 PM (lN8eP)
Posted by: Harvey at February 13, 2004 03:16 PM (tJfh1)
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Happy Early Valentines day Jim. Sorry I made you cry earlier.
Posted by: Tiffani at February 13, 2004 05:58 PM (xpNFK)
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I don't have any bad memories from my own childhood dental experiences, Jim. No ammo there unfortunately.
Dang. Harvey's right. That's serious Bonfire material there.
Thanks, Tiffani. Don't worry - I only cried for an hour or two anyway.
Posted by: Jim at February 13, 2004 07:20 PM (saeHM)
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Stop eating that crazy beef!
PETA, through one of its sham front organizations, is getting the message out to
just say NO to mad cow beef. PETA wants us to avoid eating beef, totally concerned over our health and the dangers of mad cow disease, right? But we really, really, really like to eat meat. Is this an impasse?
Heck no! I'm always trying to help folks out and I think I have the perfect solution here. Any time you were going to eat beef, substitute veal instead. See, it takes quite a few years for mad cow disease to manifest to a communicable state. If we kill the cows when they're babies we'll be safe, just like PETA wants!
Just say NO to those 100% USDA all beef burgers. Go for veal burgers instead! Meatloaf is a no-no. Cook up some wholesome and satisfying vealloaf! Beefsteak, no. Vealsteak, yeah!
There are some great side benefits to removing beef from our lives and going for veal instead. All those cows don't have to spend agonizing years in miserable captivity (PETA's very sad about this). They'll only spend a fraction of the time that they are now since they'll be slaughtered for veal while quite young. With the demand for beef going down and the demand for veal going up the price of beef will rise (this will make PETA happy) and the price for veal will decline (this will make us safety concious diners happy).
Everybody wins if we switch from beef to veal. We're safe from the dangers of mad cow disease and PETA doesn't have all of those grown cows to fret over! Support the cause, eat a vealburger today!
(Hat tip to Michele)
Posted by: Jim at
11:55 AM
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Posted by: Robert at February 13, 2004 12:05 PM (kXZI6)
2
Look, I am tired of being the last darn vegetarian out here.
Stop eating beef.
Stop eating veal (which was NEVER ok)
Stop eating poultry.
Stop eating fish.
Then your life will be going as well as mine will.
Uh...maybe that's not a good pitch line after all.
Posted by: Helen at February 13, 2004 02:59 PM (FpwZc)
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If god hadn't wanted us to eat cows he wouldn't have made them so slow and tasty.
Posted by: Jim at February 13, 2004 07:33 PM (saeHM)
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What about Bird Flu? Should we start eating chicks instead of full grown chickens?
Helen, I go vegetarian at least one meal a day whether I want to or not.
Posted by: Johnny Huh? at February 14, 2004 12:05 AM (N2L3o)
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I feel so bad...I had chicken nuggets yesterday and a buger on thursday.:-O
I also abused my kids.They had the same stuff for dinner and my oldest actually had a birthday party at McDonalds yesterday.He ate a burger.BUT...my friend baught it for him and paied for it,so I am out of trouble there...
;-)
Posted by: LW at February 14, 2004 12:16 PM (saeHM)
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I can't spell.It should be bOught,not bAught.
I guess its my parents fault because the fed me meat as a child...
Posted by: LW at February 14, 2004 12:23 PM (saeHM)
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actually it was more the "buger on thursday" that caught my eye but never mind
Posted by: Rob at February 14, 2004 04:19 PM (SbrGl)
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Ooops!
Mijn excuse:
I am German.:0)
Posted by: LW at February 14, 2004 06:39 PM (saeHM)
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With 138 cases of human involved mad-cow world wide, I think I got a better chance of winning the lottery *while* geting hit by lightening *and* eating a nice, juicy steak dripping in lemon and browned butter, maybe wrapped in bacon, like they used to do with filets ...er, where was I?
Posted by: Claire at February 15, 2004 07:49 PM (l1oyw)
Posted by: Jim at February 16, 2004 11:07 AM (IOwam)
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Although PETA is evil, there is no need to kill baby cows...for food. Just kill 'em for any old reason. Looking into picking up a hobby? Try killing baby cows! That's what I do.
I wish a baby cow would fellate me. I have issues.
Posted by: YESSSSSSSSS! at May 26, 2004 10:05 PM (2v7Fr)
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Hey, noooooooooooo. [hope I spelled that right]
Are *you* young? Tender?
Do ya move a little sloooow? [--like ya think]
hm mmmmmmm?
Posted by: Sarah Bellum at May 26, 2004 10:36 PM (l1oyw)
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This is crazy........I am thinking about not eating at all anything ever???? OK maybe a protein shake??hahaha
Posted by: lisa at June 17, 2004 09:55 PM (PcgQk)
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February 12, 2004
The Yeti Returns!
And he's rearing to
bean some penguins. This target game is a bit more complicated than the distance swing one but just as enjoyable. Plus the penguin victims stick around wiggling their little feet as you continue playing. My first game was a best hit of 85.5 and total of 521.
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
Posted by: Jim at
05:31 PM
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My total was only 427, but I did get a 95.2.
Posted by: Pixy Misa at February 12, 2004 07:55 PM (jtW2s)
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547.7 Best was only 84.4
Posted by: Chris at February 12, 2004 11:07 PM (gPeyE)
Posted by: Pixy Misa at February 13, 2004 02:04 AM (kOqZ6)
Posted by: Claire at February 15, 2004 08:00 PM (l1oyw)
5
Back to the batting cages for me...
Posted by: Jim at February 16, 2004 03:14 PM (IOwam)
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Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated
Okay, so if anybody emailed me anything this morning or tried to do a Symphony submission or tried to go to
ZeroIntelligence.net they discovered that 1and1.com has locked down my email addresses and websites. Seems the fuckers can't figure out how to bill a credit card without also crediting the credit card so my account balance can't seem to go down to zero where it should be. Contacting them is very close to impossible but I'm trying my best. Of course today also happens to be the morning that we're taking the three monsters to the dentist so my efforts are more limited than I'd prefer.
In the meantime you can email me here with anything, including Symphony submissions, and I'll make sure it gets to where it should be going.
Remember that old axim "You get what you pay for"? Yeah, they weren't shittin' about that.
UPDATE: All is better now (for now?). Seems they had a glitch that has been fixed and they've unlocked my account. But according to the bank they've yet to administer a correct charge so I'm going to await further developments with baited breath.
UPDATE2: And they're gone again. Supposedly it'll all be fixed at 5:00pm. I think that coincides with their office closing time. Convenient, eh?
UPDATE3: And we're back up again. I feel like a yo-yo. I'll grudgingly give 1and1.com one prop here - it was fixed when they said it would be fixed.
Posted by: Jim at
09:26 AM
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Rolling Over the Odometer
I've passed my 100,000th site visit. 100,000 visits in a little over half a year. Wow.
The odometer was tripped on Feb 11 at a bit past 5:00pm (EST) which means the big winner of the .1 Million Invitational is Margi! Nobody nailed the date but her guess of Feb 10 (which was also her birthday) was the closest.
Due to a rogue nipple throwing off projections very few people guessed I would hit 100,000 this soon. That's what you get for not respecting chaos theory. A bit of double exponential smoothing would have taken care of that boobage with no problem. Margi didn't fall into that trap, though. She had faith that I was a hit machine and would get the tenth of a mil mark on the early side and she's walking away with 6 Snooze Points as a reward. Way to go Margi, you rock!
Joining Margi on the winner's podium are 2nd place contestants Pylorns and JimiLove who were the next closest guessers under and over Margi. They each win 3 points. 3rd place finishers AlGore and Pixy Misa receive 1 point each. Pixy's guess was the very latest date guessed and the earth is round so it sorta made him the very earliest guess too so I gave him the point as nobody guessed earlier than Pylorns.
Hey, Rob, oh great and terrible guru of skins and designs! Can I muss about in my template? I need to give out some points.
Posted by: Jim at
07:18 AM
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Oh go on then ... if you must. Honestly the way you treat this blog anyone would think you owned the place or something!
I'll grab a new copy when you're done
/*ftp ftp ftp, ftp ftp ftpee*/
Posted by: Robert at February 12, 2004 07:28 AM (kXZI6)
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damn! I never ever win anything!
Posted by: tiffani at February 12, 2004 10:25 AM (0i1dP)
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As the first official post-contest whiner, Tiffani wins a point!
;-)
Posted by: Jim at February 12, 2004 10:48 AM (saeHM)
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woo hoo I won something! I knew that remembering my son's birthday would come in handy.
Now, what kind of prizes can I buy with these points?
Posted by: jim at February 12, 2004 12:09 PM (zE10C)
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Snooze Points can be redeemed for many fabulous prizes out of the
Snooze Button Dreams Catalog Showcase. This fantastic catalog can be yours for the low low price of only $19.95.
For some reason I can't understand, most people just use the points to lord it over other people who have fewer points and let the whole fabulous prizes part go to waste. Wierd.
Posted by: Jim at February 12, 2004 02:31 PM (IOwam)
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I'd like to thank my parents who conceived me. And the really fun part is that I wasn't DUE on the 10th, I was due April 1. No foolin'.
Wow. I'm really honored. I've never won anything aside from the occasional crappy album from my hometown radio station.
Woo hoo!
Thankya!
Posted by: margi at February 12, 2004 05:57 PM (kpNlZ)
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I knew it would pay to be a whiner! Yipee for me.
thanks Jim!
Posted by: tiffani at February 12, 2004 06:01 PM (xpNFK)
Posted by: Pixy Misa at February 12, 2004 07:48 PM (jtW2s)
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February 11, 2004
So sorry I missed you.
My email address is out there in public and it's been taken and used by spambots like Ned Beatty was used in
Deliverance. I get around seventy or eighty spam emails a day. Now this was something that I knew was going to happen so don't cry for me. It's actually not such a problem for me since I'm using a kick ass spam filter and I have it cranked up to eleven.
SpamBayes separates out all of the obvious crap into one folder and all of the questionable crap into another. I actually take the time to peruse the sender and subject of the items in the questionable category. Two reasons for that: first, they're questionable; second, that's how I train my vicious spam attack program. If I recognize the sender or the subject line appears suitably non-spammish I'll actually open the email and take a look. Of the 70 or 80 spam mails a day only a handful will be in the questionable folder. I'll take a cursory glance at the obvious crap too, but it's really not with any intent to rescue emails. I'm just scanning for unusually humorous subject lines at that point.
more...
Posted by: Jim at
02:46 PM
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1
Are you going to divorce me now because I always leave the subject line empty??????;-)
Posted by: LW at February 11, 2004 03:14 PM (saeHM)
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Nah, you're exempt from all rules Love. SpamBayes knows that anything from you is all full of happy goodness.
Posted by: Jim at February 11, 2004 03:27 PM (IOwam)
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What about that spam filter that makes people register when they email you.
Posted by: pylorns at February 11, 2004 04:23 PM (FTYER)
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I have just been trying to filter my spam via server side.
Posted by: pylorns at February 11, 2004 04:26 PM (FTYER)
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That's an effective system and I know a few people who use it but it personally annoys the crap out of me. I know it shouldn't - it's just a 'hit reply' and you're done with it thing - but it does. Feeling that way about it personally I couldn't implement it and force it on others.
Posted by: Jim at February 11, 2004 04:29 PM (IOwam)
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I don't like Spambayes that much.I train and train it and it keeps putting the same emails that I told it NOT to,in the spam folder...or into the "possible spam" folder.
Posted by: LW at February 11, 2004 05:03 PM (saeHM)
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The Rules of Blogging
Lots of veteran bloggers have posted their advice to new bloggers (and other vets) on how to blog. These are generally dissected and picked apart by other veteran bloggers or simply ignored. Well I can't pass up on a challenge like that so here are my rules of blogging:
more...
Posted by: Jim at
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Amen, my brother.
I've never had an Instalanche, I am pretty sure InstaPundit is blissfully ignorant of my little blog, but I like to think I attract readers by quality
Posted by: Helen at February 11, 2004 02:57 PM (QNq2h)
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There's an exception to every rule, and her name is LeeAnn
Posted by: Pixy Misa at February 11, 2004 09:22 PM (jtW2s)
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I was going to say that, but I was too busy posting a quiz.
Posted by: LeeAnn at February 13, 2004 01:06 PM (HxCeX)
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I think I'll make myself a tin necklace after I post a link to LeeAnn's quiz. And if I make it out of tinfoil - I can repel all sorts of readers. I like that!
Posted by: Teresa at April 13, 2004 09:40 AM (nAfYo)
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