Happy Birthday, Helen! It's not quite your birthday here but it is where you are so there you go!

Godspeed and safe travels on your vacation. Have fun (but not too much fun) and don't do anybody anything I wouldn't do.

Posted by: Jim at 08:49 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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I got a call from Lovely Wife this morning. I usually do and my morning isn't really started until I get one. This particular call had one of those spooky beginings that sounded suspiciously like "Do you know what your son did?" Those are the worst calls since you're effectively powerless. If whatever your son (not hers, at least at this particular moment) did makes you furious you're shit out of luck. You're at work buddy and by the time you get home it's ancient history. Of course since you're a grown up you've festered on it for the entire day and when you do get home you try to do the corrective counseling thing but by that time the kid doesn't even remember what it was that he did and your oh-so-carefully crafted and mentally rehearsed speech falters and dies on your lips when confronted by stupefyingly honest childhood ignorance.

If whatever the boy did doesn't happen to irritate you or (God forbid) you don't think it was such a bad thing anyway you are equally screwed. You are on the phone with a woman who is so pissed she has temporarily disowned her child. You. Must. Agree. With. Her. Not doing so, and doing so in colorful and excited terms I might add, will allow her to transfer that rage from the son to the father. That's you, remember. This is a bad thing. You always want to place children between yourself and your spouse's rage, never the other way around. Hey, that's the basic reason you had the little beggars in the first place. more...

Posted by: Jim at 04:32 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Samizdata reports on a correction in The Australian. Personally, I think the retracted statement was just as correct as the replacement.

(Hat tip to Dopple-G)

Posted by: Jim at 08:16 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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The Letter of the Day is "J".

"J" is for Jokes, like this one about drowning Democrats.

"J" is for Jackasses, which accurately describes several of the commenters of this post.

"J" is for Jerking Around, which is what happens to Jen in the comments of this post.

Posted by: Jim at 08:01 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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I had my first memorable nightmare in quite some time on Saturday night. It was one of those genuinely distressing heartwrenching real-emotion emoting dreams.

Most of the dream was fuzzy and I don't remember it. The scene that so affected me was in a garage with a generic androgynous friend (does anybody else have generic androgynous people in generic roles in their dreams?). He/she was smoking and offered me a smoke when he/she realized I didn't have any. I said no but took a drag of his/hers.

Then it hit me. I had just had a damned cigarette in my mouth and I smoked on it. Immediately following that realization was crushing guilt and extreme anger at myself. Then I was pissed and basically said fuck it. If I had a puff I might as well have a whole cigarette so I took one from generic friend's pack (generic friend wasn't there anymore - can't blame him/her as I was quite irate and most likely not fun to be around).

I smoked that thing in an absolute rage. I was so unbelievably mad and feeling like crap because there are a whole bunch of people pulling for me to quit smoking successfully. There's also a $100 price tag on the first puff of nicotine and I was mad as hell that I screwed up that bet too.

The dream sort of faded out (at least out of memory) after that. I woke up angry, which is never good. When I realized that I had dreamed it and that I had actually not smoked a cigarette I felt blessed release and a great calming.

I'm going to make it, y'all, but this psychological warfare that my subconcious is playing on me is totally unfair. Damned id.

Been off the Welbutrin for over a week. Occasional cravings but otherwise doing quite well.

One month, three days, 5 hours and 6 minutes. 644 cigarettes not smoked, saving $101.47. Life saved: 2 days, 5 hours, 40 minutes.

Posted by: Jim at 04:39 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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hoppin' through the forest,

scoopin' up the field mice

and boppin' em on the head.

And down came the Blue Fairy, and she said:



Little Bunny FooFoo

I don't want to see you

scoopin' up the field mice

and boppin' em on the head.



And now I'll give you one chance, and if you keep it up, I'll take care of you for sure.



Little Bunny Foo Foo

kept hoppin' through the forest,

kept scoopin' up the field mice

and boppin' em on the head.

And down came the Blue Fairy, and she said:



You disobeyed me!

So she smacked him and his brother over the head with a shovel until they were dead

But it's okay, y'all. She's been cleared by the district who ruled that smackin' bunnies on the head is accepted veterinary practice. Some of her students thought it was a bit wierd and she's still facing two civil penalties for animal cruelty. She's vowed to fight them, though.

Back off the Blue Fairy, y'all. It's just part of farming. Besides, Bunny FooFoo was asking for it.

Posted by: Jim at 03:11 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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A lot of people just don't quite understand what the big deal is. I mean, if you break the law you go to jail, right? Well, here's the best way I've found to explain it:

WEEEE-OOOOOOO WEEEEE-OOOOOO (that's a siren, y'all)

A State trooper with the lights on and siren blaring is in your rear view, letting you know that you're screwed now. You pull over to the side, heart a bit a-flutter and sharing confused and slightly frightened glances with your passenger. The trooper walks up to your window with one hand on his gun and the other holding his shoulder mike. He leans in menacingly, never taking his hand off of his weapon.

Trooper: Do you have any idea how fast you were going?

You: I'm sorry, officer. I thought I was going the speed limit.

Trooper: And just where did you get the idea of what the speed limit was?

You: Um, from the road signs?

Trooper: ARE YOU SURE?! I think that your passenger there told you what the speed limit was. I don't think you saw the sign at all!

You: Please, officer. I really saw the sign. It said "Speed" on top and then it had a big "55" in the middle and it said "Limit" on the bottom. I swear!

Trooper: You're under arrest.

You: For what? I wasn't speeding!

Trooper: Because you lied about seeing the speed limit sign.

You were cruising along, not breaking any laws. The cops stopped you without cause and started interrogating you as if you had broken a law. You really were told about the speed limit from your friend but you panicked or were intimidated or freaked by the situation or whatever and you said you saw the speed limit sign. Even though you didn't speed and there was no reason for you to be pulled over you are now going to prison for lying about where you got the information that you used while not breaking the law in the first place. The kicker is that you were allowed to get the information from the sign or your friend so there was no reason to get flustered over it in the first place.

That is why the whole Martha Stewart thing irks me. There was no crime until the feds germinated one.

Posted by: Jim at 10:49 AM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
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Just kidding. Heh. (Or am I?)

I've tried to write it before but I didn't get anywhere near as funny as Paul of Skirting the Perimeter Sanity's Edge. For experienced bloggers it's a hoot. For newbies it's ironically apt instruction (in a tongue-in-cheek fashion). For non-bloggers it's as close to Nirvana as you're likely to come (unless you get a chance to suck on Courtney Love's boobies outside your local Wendy's restaurant). See the Blogging 101 series starting here and including the 3 posts following.

Posted by: Jim at 09:59 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Harvey has unearthed a treasure trove of pirate pick up lines, but he's missing the best one:

Lassie, you're a pirate's dream - a grand poop deck and a sunken chest!

Or was that the best pirate insult?

Posted by: Jim at 09:29 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Here's proof that Christine got robbed in the King of the Blogs competition. With the command of the English language that she's got you just know that the fix had to be in for somebody else to have won.

"Juxtasuppository". Oh, man I'm still giggling over that one.

Posted by: Jim at 09:00 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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The Letter of the Day is "I".

"I" is for Invitation, as in Did y'all get your invitations to the party at Munuviana?

Posted by: Jim at 04:31 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Update: Results are in the extended entry.

Want to know what it's about? See the Shamming/Sharing intro post.

My apologies for the time gap with the sham/shares. I got a little bit tipply last night whilst watching Matrix:Reloaded and Second Hand Lions. Both were good movies. I don't see what everybody was bitching about with Matrix2 there. It's an action movie, y'all. Don't be looking for a Tom Clancy plot in a Keenu vehicle. Anyway, I'm not tipply tonight but I am big time sleepy. I didn't want to put y'all off for another day but I was going to anyway until I thought of a great short anecdote and a great way to sham it. A short check with my pseudo-random number generator to find out which version to record for posterity and here it is for your guessing pleasure.

Is this anecdote a sham or a share?

In my crazy youth I worked at Wegman's grocery store. Just about all of the people I hung out with (and/or moved in with) also worked there. Thursday's were paydays so every Thursday we'd all go down to a local bar/restaurant to drink pitchers of beer and throw darts. And eat chicken wings - this was Buffalo, after all. This particular establishment was our place of choice because the Weggie's crew had established itself there and they didn't bother to card anybody in the group. I and my underage coworkers appreciated and exploited this trust.

Anyway, my step-mom had been on me for a while about drinking too much and basically challenged me to go a night with the crew without drinking anything. She did it in an obvious and pathetic reverse psychological way (You couldn't go out with those people a single time without drinking!) but I was ornery enough to want to prove her wrong anyway. I might have just needed to prove that to myself as well.

I had my teetotaler evening with my pitcher of Coke sticking out like a lone sentinel in a forest of amber beers. I was the first out when we broke for the evening since I didn't have to pony up for the tab (non-alcoholic beverages were free - designated driver program or some such). As I pulled out of the parking lot I noticed a car pull after me from a parking lot on the other side of the street. Yup, coppers. They followed me for about a quarter mile until I'd turned onto the Boulevard (the first big thoroughfare from the bar). They seemed a bit pissed when I told them I'd had only soda to drink and they quickly realized I wasn't bullshitting.

Fortunately for a couple of my friends it was only the one cruiser working that bar. The ones who might have had a problem with the police were spared due to my red herring.

Current Standings:

Four Correct
jim

Three Correct
MojoMark
Sue

Two Correct
Helen
Mike the Marine
mitzi

One Correct
Brian Jones
Jeremy
Lovely Wife
Mutinousdoug
Rob
Simon
Susie
Tiffani

Zero Correct
Everybody else more...

Posted by: Jim at 03:40 PM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
Post contains 590 words, total size 4 kb.

Update: Results at the end of the extended entry.

Ah, yes. It is time once again for the Cheddar X more...

Posted by: Jim at 02:37 PM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
Post contains 1100 words, total size 6 kb.

Ryan Rhodes has left the nightmare that is Blog*Spot for the comfort and security of the woobie we call Munuviana. In other words, Rambling Rhodes is now a MuNu blog! Woo hoo!

Go ahead and visit my new neighbor. I did the template but the artwork is 100% Ryan.

Posted by: Jim at 01:09 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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The 17th Bestofme Symphony is up at Rocket Jones. Ted's a bit under the weather but he's still put together a kick-ass edition. Head on over and get your Monday started up right.

Hosting: Would you like to host the Symphony? Send me a note and I'll get you on the schedule.

Submit to the Symphony: Want to be a part of next week's edition? Check out this post for submission help. Entries should always be sent to bestofme@jpeacock.net regardless of who the Symphony host is.

Spread the word: Webloggers, please give Ted a hand by spreading the word. He's a guy so he doesn't have that "everybody links automatically 'cause a chick wrote it" thing going on.

Email Reminders: If you'd like to be sent a reminder about the Symphony, join the mailing list. There's one email sent on Thursday or Friday to remind you to submit for the next Symphony and one on Monday with the location of the newly posted Symphony.

Posted by: Jim at 05:53 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I am Chocolate Flavoured. I am sweet and a little bit naughty. I am one of the few clinically proven aphrodisiacs. Sometimes I can seem a little hard, but show warmth and I soon melt. What Flavour Are You?

(Snagged from Dodgeblogium)

Posted by: Jim at 09:15 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Send in your submissions for the Bestofme Symphony and win a million dollars! (Please note that sending in a submission does not make you elligible to win a million dollars.)

Send your submissions to bestofme@jpeacock.net and they'll be in Monday's edition at Rocket Jones.

The only requirements are that you think the post is good and that it be at least 2 months old. It doesn't even have to be from your own blog. Now that's accomodating!

The basics of the Bestofme Symphony.
Want to host a Symphony?
Get reminder emails.

Posted by: Jim at 09:12 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Expect nuthin' today, y'all. The weather is gorgeous and I've got serious Spring Fever. I'm playing hooky and will be spending the bulk of the day in relaxation at various outdoor locations.

Ahhhhhh...Spring...

Posted by: Jim at 09:25 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Just like Mel's production, only less scourging and more color selection. Let's play Jesus Dress-up!

Posted by: Jim at 04:36 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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District's stance against transgender policy threatens budget

The Westminster School District is taking a costly stand against the State of California. They have chosen not to comply with mandated changes in their anti-discrimination policy and this threatens their state and federal funding. As a consequence, Bank of America has rejected their application for a $16 million credit line that was to be used for upcoming facilities improvements.

Three of the five members of the school board twice voted against new language for the district's discrimination policy that would allow students to file complaints if they were discriminated against based on their gender or "perceived gender."

Preceived gender? What in the world is that? Apparently it is confusing PC-speech for transvestites and/or transexuals. So if a girl dresses up as a boy I'm guessing that this California law protects her rights to use the mens room and allows her recourse to cry discrimination if somebody treats her like a girl.

School board trustee Judy Ahrens said she and the other members who voted against the change are "standing up for morality."

In this case standing up for morality is going to cost funding amounting to half of their annual budget as well as the money needed for fixing and expanding their infrastructure. Personally I couldn't agree with them more.

(Cross posted from Zero Intelligence)

Posted by: Jim at 10:38 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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