April 15, 2004

Counseling

Lovely Wife and I went to relationship counseling once. Our "facilitator" seemed likable enough and our session started out pretty well. At one point she said something along the lines of "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." She then asked me if I could name Lovely Wife's favorite flower.

I leaned over, feeling very confident, touched Lovely Wife's arm gently and whispered, "Self-Rising, isn't it?"

The rest of the story is not pleasant.

Posted by: Jim at 09:43 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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It's a fight!

There's going to be a royal rumble! Michele's going to smear Dean! No joke! Dean thinks he can get more people to support Spirit of America than she can. Yeah, right Dean. Thank you for playing.

Spirit of America is a neat idea. It's to get a radio station in Iraq that'll put out things like the truth so folks will have something to get their news from besides al Aqsa al Jazeera radio.

The fight starts Monday but I'm not waiting til then to stand on the right side of the circle. Let Michele know that you've got her back too. Can't be too careful with that Dean character, if you know what I mean.

Posted by: Jim at 06:16 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Cry havoc and let slip the hamsters of war!

To arms! To arms!

Sir Robert has declared war on an annoying form-letter spewing PR hack named James Fryer. Help the cause by sending James some inane answers to his questions. Make them just kooky enough to be from a genuine interloon and we can absorb loads of their time and corrupt their evil data. And make sure to properly format his email address so it is picked up by all of the spambots.

Here's what I'm sending him: more...

Posted by: Jim at 04:30 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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April 14, 2004

"P" is for "Pathetic"

The Letter of the Day is "P".

"P" is for Pathetic. Simon's second attempt at Frankbaiting was a pathetic failure.

Posted by: Jim at 09:49 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Living in Atlanta

From the list of "Things About Atlanta" sent to me by my Lovely Wife. This one is particularly apropos at the moment:

The pollen count is off the national scale for unhealthy, which starts at 120. Atlanta is usually in the 2,000 to 4,000 range. All roads, vehicles, houses - everything - is yellow from March 28th to July 15th. If you have any allergies, you will die. But other than that, it's a great place to live!

No joke. The current level is a nice low 396, thanks to some rain yesterday. Yes, we breath a sigh of relief when the pollen count gets down to only 3 times the extremely high marker. A couple of days ago the pollen count was over 5,000. You probably won't actually die from it but many people wish they would. I have personally seen people fight over an Alavert.

Posted by: Jim at 02:42 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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George is so much kinder than I'll be

One thing that I couldn't believe during last night's question and answer session was how obnoxious the press questions were. They almost completely ignored a chance to ask the freaking President of the United States actual questions about what is going on right now and what our plans are. They abandoned actual journalism for attempts to squeeze some partisan soundbite out of Bush.

Related to that, I couldn't believe that Bush kept his cool under the onslaught. He maintained his decorum and kept trying to steer things back to topics of actual importance.

I've got news for you. This is going to be very different when the Flying Pig party takes the White House. Trey is most likely going to be way too busy vetoing things to entertain foolish questions from the press so I expect to be tapped for this particular task. Unlike Mr.Bush I will not be overly concerned with pressie feelings when they are obviously attacking me and mine. Oh, I won't come straight out and call them retards like my running mate might but I'll be answering their questions simply and brutally.

Let's review the questions that they unleashed on Bush last night with me at the podium instead of George: more...

Posted by: Jim at 01:19 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Peace Protesters

Shouldn't they be called "War Protesters"? They're protesting against war, aren't they? Or are they called peace protesters because they're not in favor of peace at all. Judging by the pictures I've seen of every single one of these protests over the last year and change, I'm going with that as my answer.

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April 13, 2004

Welcome to the Church of Snooze

Thanks to Paul at Sanity's Edge I am now a legally ordained minister! That's correct, I may now be adressed as the Right Reverend Jim Peacock. Or maybe the Center-with-a-little-right-tilt Reverend would be more accurate.

I can now legally perform weddings, baptisms, blessings, sacrifices, excommunications, you name it! In fact, I can do almost anything except circumcision. That's okay though as I'm morally opposed to the ritual mutilation of children anyway.

Pixy has gone ahead and taken the plunge too. A brace of ministers make Munuviana one of the holiest blog communities out there. Can I call for a blogcrusade yet?

Posted by: Jim at 04:53 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Powerful Stuff

Christine comments on Rooney.

Excerpt:

Sometimes I wonder if they understand what they are saying. I fear they know all too well. Our military fights for this country, we fight for the policies of the duly elected representatives that we chosen by the people. We fight for the principles that allow our countrymen to live in freedom. We fight so that our allies, who also believe in those principles, have those same freedoms. Those who claim that this war is not in their name, undermine those reasons. They tear away with dull claws the cloak of honor that our military wears to battle.

The emphasis is mine. Does she nail it there or what? Honor is the key difference between our soldiers and the forces that they are fighting and demagogues like Rooney try their hardest to destroy that.

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Andy Rooney is nobody's hero

So it seems that noted curmudgeon Andy Rooney, better known for America's most inane TV minute, has outed himself. I don't mean that he's come out of the closet (I'd respect him for that), I mean he's openly stated his opinion that America's troops are not brave fighters, the world's most powerful and skilled volunteer military. No, according to Andy they are a bunch of fearful cowards who have been forced into the military because of America's dastardly economy.

Andy proposes that we ask our soldiers in Iraq five loaded questions, as if these would prove his points. I've got five questions I'd like to ask Andy. How do you breathe with your head so far up your ass? Should the words of a marginal talent separated from reality by several decades be given any weight? Is it a standard in journalism to make up numbers and figures from whole cloth or is this just a trick you picked up on your own? Would you rather have a job where you have to work or the one you have now? Are you encouraged by the freaks and losers that think the venom dripping from your pen is gold?

He says that supporting our troops is just a trick we civilians use to keep them at their job so we can enjoy our comfortable lives back home. A trick. He has marginalized all of the support, pride and respect that we feel for our troops into a Machiavellian trick. Well, Mr.Rooney, that might be why you support the troops but it certainly isn't why I support them. But wait, since Andy is against what they're doing and the only reason to support them is to keep them at their job then by his own reasoning he is saying he doesn't support them, right? more...

Posted by: Jim at 09:41 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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April 12, 2004

When pigs fly

Trey's an even better Photoshopper than I am. That's why he's the presidential candidate and I'm only the veep.

Oink! Oink!
(Click for even more flying pigs.)

Methinks I'll replace my own sign with one of these. Since we don't need to worry about a primary we don't have to go for the shock factor anyway.

Posted by: Jim at 04:40 PM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
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Truth in advertising

More positions than the Kama Sutra!
(Click for supah size)

Make your own Kerry banner with the Kerry Sloganator. While you're out and about, go wish Kevin a Happy Blogiversary.

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What did you have for Easter dinner?

I had Snark. Mmmmm...tasty!

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Bestofme Symphony, 19th Edition

The 19th Bestofme Symphony is up at Blogo Slovo. Don't miss Dave's tips on how to properly accompany each selection. I think I'll stick with the shot and a beer. Cognac and green markers both give me a headache.

Hosting: Would you like to host the Symphony? Send me a note and I'll get you on the schedule.

Submit to the Symphony: Want to be a part of next week's edition? Check out this post for submission help. Entries should always be sent to bestofme@jpeacock.net regardless of who the Symphony host is.

Spread the word: Webloggers, how about a link for Dave? He'd do it for you!

Email Reminders: If you'd like to be sent a reminder about the Symphony, join the mailing list. There's one email sent on Thursday or Friday to remind you to submit for the next Symphony and one on Monday with the location of the newly posted Symphony.

Posted by: Jim at 07:58 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Toot! Toot! Toot! (That was my own horn)

Anybody out there (besides Pixy) catch what Jim Taranto (from The Wall Street Journal's "Best of the Web") said about ZeroIntelligence.Net?

Zero Tolerance Watch

We started covering "zero tolerance" madness three years ago, but we really ought to pass the torch to Jim Peacock, whose ZeroInteligence.net blog has become the best source on the subject.

3 months old, 154 regular subscribers, 56,010 visitors. So it's not quite Command Post level performance but I'm still happy. :-)

Posted by: Jim at 05:59 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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April 10, 2004

What the hell is wrong with me?

I've been angry lately. Moody. Pissed at stupid little things. My temper seems to grow a hairsbreadth shorter each day and I don't see when i'm losing it until it's lost. The other day after dinner I took the boys upstairs to clean the playroom. They did their usual "Don't wanna" routine and instead of teasing and joking and making it a fun thing like I normally do I yelled at them to clean up. I was like a boot camp drill instructor.

This morning I was writing a note to somebody. Can't tell you much about it yet except that he's one hell of a guy and the note I was writing got way more patriotic and emotional than I first intended. I just started crying. Like a baby. Tears are still coursing down my face right now and I can't stop them.

I'm pretty sure that I know what is screwing with my head so much lately. I am so fucking furious that I'm losing my grip. Every day I read about another atrocity committed by my own countrymen simply to promote their twisted agenda. In the past week I've seen a woman openly speculate that one of the men murdered, burned and paraded around Falluja might have been a nazi. Not that she had any proof or anything but simply because it suited her agenda to vilify a murdered American. I saw the woman who pointed out that perfidity attacked simply for saying "Hey, it's wrong to do that". I read a story of a small group of American soldiers who barely escaped a compound with their lives. They made a courageous 20 hour stand against completely overwhelming forces while protecting assets and non-combatants. A true act of unmitigated courage and dedication. But I cannot find this story on any news site. I can't find any story like it on any news site. I read about a student in Savannah who was suspended from school. A gang of kids invaded his school and attacked him in the cafeteria and he committed the crime of defending himself. Zero Tolerance to violence means you are not allowed to be a victim either.

And it's not just those stories. Those are just the snowflakes on the tip of the iceberg. It's all around. Every day. It doesn't stop. Ever.

I just want to stand up in the middle of a crowd and scream out "Can't you morons get a fucking clue? Can't you just use some common sense? Can't you stifle your fucking private agenda long enough to remember what being a human fucking being was like?"

And I think "Oh, God dammit, how am I going to protect my kids from these people?"

And I start crying again.

Posted by: Jim at 08:02 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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April 09, 2004

It just tastes better with cheddar

Here's a finger tray of samples of Cheddary goodness. Don't take too many! You'll spoil your supper.

1. When was the last time you caught yourself before doing something really stupid? What was it?
What time is it now? Hell, if I didn't do something really stupid in the past hour then just wait around a couple of minutes. As to what it was? I do way too many of these to keep specific memories of them. That's like asking somebody to keep track of blinking.

2. What was your last nightmare about?
Smoking. Brrrrr.

3. How do you entertain yourself in traffic?
Talking. I'm never in traffic alone.

4. Who inspires you?
Maybe it's because I'm in a mini-funk or something but I honestly don't feel inspired by anybody right now. Now if you asked what inspired me I'd say that little clock in the bottom right corner of my monitor. It is freaking gorgeous outside and I wanna be out there.

5. What trait in the opposite sex makes you wonder most?
Um...what? Please repeat this in the form of an answer. Or something like that. I'm saying that I don't understand what's being asked here.

6. Which of the seven deadly sins is the worst? Why?
My favorite is lust. As far as worst? I don't think any of them are all that bad, really. They're human emotional responses. Nothing more, nothing less. Rational people deal with 'em, irrational people end up making 27 laws on how to take a crap.

7. Do you blog on the weekends much or at all?
Generally not at all but some times a bit. I'm definitely not writing anything on the weekends except once each blue moon or so. I might do bloggy posts if I come across something while reading but generally I don't even bother to do that on the weekends.

Posted by: Jim at 04:24 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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The Force is all about whuppin' ass.


:: how jedi are you? ::

(Snagged from The great and powerful Oz Pixy Misa)

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Shamming/Sharing (#12)

UPDATE: Results are in the extended entry.

Want to know what it's about? See the Shamming/Sharing intro post.

This is the first sham/share for April. March's results are here.

Is this anecdote a sham or a share?

I rode the bus in high school. To answer the question that just popped into your mind it was, surprisingly enough, a regular sized one. Our bus driver kept order with two tools. The first was the threat that she would kick you off of the bus. She didn't mean that she would go to the office and have them remove you from her transportation obligations. She meant that she would stop the bus wherever the hell it was and kick your sorry ass out of her vehicle. We believed her.

The second way she kept order (and with the efficiency of method one this was pretty much all she needed for a backup) was to have minor violators take the front seat for a few days to a week (depending on the severity of the offense). This was known as the bitch seat and came complete with much riling from busmates and excessive smacks to the head from people leaving the bus.

I was subject to the bitch seat exactly once in my 3 years of being carted about by this woman. The offense was not intentional but she neither believed me nor cared and it earned me a full week of head smacks and verbal finger pokes at my expense. The incident occured while the bus was still parked at school waiting for all of the students to board for the ride home. A friend of mine was showing off a box of matches (yeah, I know - what the hell is that about?) and giving some out to people. I took one and asked what good it was going to do without the box to strike it against. He said you didn't need a box because they were blue-tip matches and you could strike them against just about anything. Hell, you could even strike them against your zipper. "No way" I said. "Way" he said. So I struck it against my zipper to prove the lie and gasped in astonishment when the sucker ignited. As the sulphur took to flame I freaked and tried to extinguish it but in my panic I didn't think of anything intelligent like flinging it out of the window or putting it on the floor and stomping on it. I did the finger pinch manuver (the one you use to extinquish candles). If anybody has ever tried this on a match that is in the process of lighting you will know that the sulphur is way more dedicated to catching fire than your mere flesh is to extinguish it. The result was two burned fingertips and a horrendous stench of burning sulphur. Everybody around me started at me in abject stupefication. The bus driver chose that particular moment to board the bus for the ride home, saw everybody staring at me and smelled burning chemicals. She looked at me. I looked at her. She pointed to the bitch seat. When I got up to the front she didn't even turn to look at me. She just started to drive off and said "One week. Idiot."

What she lacked in nurturing instincts she made up for with painful honesty.

more...

Posted by: Jim at 10:30 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
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April 08, 2004

Swans fight to the death

I was messing around on the computer last night and never bothered to get up to turn the TV off. As a result I had The Reality Channel Fox hitting me subliminally for a good chunk of the evening. Let me summarize what I got out of it:

1) Persons who have not yet achieved the legal age to run for President of the USA should not, i repeat NOT try to cover Elton John songs.

2) When a show defies description by normal man you can find it aptly and succinctly summarized by Bunsen.

Posted by: Jim at 05:07 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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