April 08, 2004

"O" is for Orgasm!

Unfortunately I don't have an orgasm link for you. Well I did but that was earlier and it's no good now. I'm just not up to getting another one just yet. Sorry. You know it happens to every blogger eventually.

So anyway, the Letter of the Day is "O".

"O" is for Oblique Orb for the Orthodox Ovulator.

Posted by: Jim at 04:40 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 66 words, total size 1 kb.

A little Easter porn for your viewing enjoyment

Take a peep at this hot action.

Posted by: Jim at 04:25 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 23 words, total size 1 kb.

A bit of wisdom

The tongue must be heavy indeed; so few can hold it.

(Hat tip to Dopple-G)

Posted by: Jim at 04:09 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 23 words, total size 1 kb.

Some things defy description

Things like the Subservient Chicken.

(Blame Credit to Dopple-G)

Posted by: Jim at 02:44 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 17 words, total size 1 kb.

Nation shocked at Jimmy Breslin's "Blairing" column.

DATELINE: New York

Jimmy Breslin, longstanding columnist for Newsday, has been accused of creating an interview with the Rev. Louis Sheldon (chairman of the Traditional Values Coalition) out of whole cloth. Pulitzer prize winner Breslin claims that the interview occurred in 1992 but his target is crying foul.

[Reverend Sheldon] said he has "never met Jimmy Breslin, never had the conversation described in his column today and never said those sentences to anyone in my life."

Snooze Button Dreams correspondents, in a daring predawn raid, managed to interview the beleaguered newsie. Without admitting any guilt the SBD operatives correspondents would like it known that it is possible Mr.Breslin was anally accidentally administered a large dose of sodium pentathol. more...

Posted by: Jim at 10:55 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 506 words, total size 3 kb.

No I did not send you a virus!

I get these things constantly. Email messages from corporate servers telling me that my message was not delivered because it was infected with a virus and that I am a scumbag and that women are secretly turned off by my exceptionally shapely nipples. I know that they are incorrect on the nipples - I mean just look at the activity on that nipple post! Yowza! I'm pretty sure that I'm not a scumbag either. I know my older brother was one and I'm about as unlike him as possible so that's gotta make me some sort of anti-scumbag or something. I am also damn bloody sure that I did not send anybody a virus.

We've got antivirus at the provider level, at our mail exchanger level and at the local desktop level. I don't use the preview pane in Outlook. I don't open anything that anybody sends me unless I know exactly what it is. I don't download anything (excluding nudes and pictures of kittens of course). My non-work email also has anti-virus at the mail server level and we've got anti-virus software at home that Lovely Wife updates religiously.

So why do I keep getting messages saying I've sent out a virus? Why do I keep getting emails returned to me that I didn't send in the first place? It's because I'm being spoofed. And that leads me to the entire point of this post: this Security Watch article by Robert Vamosi. It's concise, no big words, semi-entertaining, and explains spoofing far better than I could. Go give it a read. What? You don't have 3 minutes to spare? Humor me.

Posted by: Jim at 07:57 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 288 words, total size 2 kb.

April 07, 2004

18-10?

That can't be right, can it? Braves: 18, Mets: 10. Damn. 28 points? In baseball?

Hell, if they keep doing that I might have to watch a game.

Posted by: Jim at 10:58 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 30 words, total size 1 kb.

Kate sayz:

For those of you keeping track of such things:

The "hearts and minds" in Iraq that can be swayed by negotiation, humanitarian support, liberalism and cultural sensitivity have already been won.

The "hearts and minds" of those who view negotiation, humanitarian support, liberalism and cultural sensitivity to be signs of weakness, are being won over now.

In a matter of speaking.

Well said!

(Kate is guestblogging at Wizbang.)

Posted by: Jim at 03:20 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 72 words, total size 1 kb.

Only YOU can prevent forest fires!

And more importantly, only YOU can get Trey Givens elected to Presidential office. By popular demand we proudly offer an official "Givens/Peacock 2004" election campaign decal:

Vote Givens/Peacock in 2004!

Be the first blog on your server to display your allegiance to the only candidate team promoting sensible government based on the Constitution.

Posted by: Jim at 01:41 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 61 words, total size 1 kb.

Why can't I have a job like this?

Don't get me wrong, I love my job. But my job just doesn't compare with this.

What could possibly be cooler than going to work and driving barges into bridge supports? Well, maybe crash testing helicopters, but that's about it.

(Tip credit to Dopple-G)

Posted by: Jim at 09:53 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 60 words, total size 1 kb.

Trey Givens Announces Running Mate

DATELINE - Atlanta

Trey Givens has become the first 2004 Presidential candidate to specifically declare his running mate. In the context of this news the word "mate" should be interpreted as "companion" and not "companion, know what I mean, wink wink nudge nudge".

In a move that may have global implications the avowed libertarian has taken part time antidisestablishmentarianist Jim "Snoozey" Peacock onto his ticket. Givens explained his choice thusly: "Jim is a reasonable and even-handed person. HeÂ’s not likely to call you names like I would."

When reached this morning for comment Mr.Peacock confirmed that he had gladly accepted the offer and was "looking forward to the challenge" that they will face in this election. In popular polling given choices of Trey Givens, George Bush, and John Kerry, Givens came in behind the Republican and Democratic candidates. Jim Peacock aims "to change that". Strong words indeed.

Miscellaneous talking heads that only surface from their government pork fed think tanks for one of every four years like salmon returning to the fetid waters that birthed them were quick to comment. Said one "This choice will serve Givens well. 'The Snooze' is a married man with children and his inclusion will make Givens a more attractive choice for center-right voters. They will see Peacock's heterosexuality as a check against Givens' gay powers and will be more comfortable voting for him."

Another commented that "This may turn around and bite Trey in the ass. And not in the good way either! A lot of his homosexual voter base was hoping he would run with the Good Doctor. They're just such a cute couple. Seriously!"

Time, and massive advertising budgets, will tell how the Givens/Peacock ticket fares.

Posted by: Jim at 08:43 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 294 words, total size 2 kb.

April 06, 2004

Kevin, you dastardly rogue!

I did a double take when I opened up WizBang last night. There was a John Kerry advertisement!

Kevin's not a rabid righty but he's made it pretty clear that he thinks pretty poorly of Special K. His guest bloggers are pretty much the same. Then it hit me - is this beautiful or what? John Kerry is supporting WizBang! His wife's money is helping to keep a popular blog on the internet and that blog is one that is ...er... less than supportive of Captain Catsup himself. What a beautiful ironic turn!

You go, Kevin!

Posted by: Jim at 03:14 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 104 words, total size 1 kb.

My nipples are hard

Just in case you were wondering.

Posted by: Jim at 02:58 PM | Comments (29) | Add Comment
Post contains 14 words, total size 1 kb.

Wakey wakey

The puppy has several methods of waking me up in the morning when she's ready to do her business. The first one she used was jumping half up on the bed and raking her claws down my back. That was exceptionally effective at waking me up but it did not put me in the spirits to provide her with the friendly companionship that makes a morning poop so much more enjoyable. In short, she quickly came to learn that this wasn't acceptable.

She then moved to whining (or as my Brit readers would say, "whinging") but found the results to be less than satisfactory. I'm a pretty deep sleeper and little noises like polite whining, televisions and fire alarms don't have a very good chance of waking me up.

Then she discovered the power of the puppy nose. There is no good way to describe the sensation of being brought out of a deep slumber by having a cold wet puppy nose jammed up your ass crack. Suffice it to say that this method had much better success at rousing me (yes I said 'rousing' in conjunction with a dog's nose up my crack. Get your minds out of the gutter. The word you are looking for is "arousing", which I didn't use because I wasn't. Aroused that is. Pervs.) than did mere whining. After a bit of negative reinforcement, the pup learned to aim higher and I thought we had a mutually agreed upon system. Oh how wrong I was. more...

Posted by: Jim at 02:49 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 817 words, total size 4 kb.

No wonder they're so pissed off all of the time!

I'd be pissed too if I had to follow 27 rules to take a shit. Here are a couple of my favorites (the numbers are wierd because they're at the end of a long list of rules):

65. In the following three cases, anus can be made Pak with water alone:

If another najasat, like blood, appears along with the faeces.
If an external najasat reaches the anus.
If more than usual najasat spreads around the anus.

In the cases other than those mentioned above, anus can be made Pak either by water or by using cloth, or stone etc., although it is always better to wash it with water. (for details: see Notes 68 - 70).


Translation: Wash your ass if you're passing blood, inserting naughty things into it or if you have shit all over the place.

67. If the anus is washed with water, one should ensure that no trace of faeces is left on it. However, there is no harm if colour and smell remain. And if it is washed thoroughly in the first instance, leaving no particle of stool, then it is not necess ary to wash it again.

Translation: When you wash your ass, make sure to get all of the shit off of it. But it's okay if you've got shit stains and you smell like a pig goat. more...

Posted by: Jim at 02:09 PM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
Post contains 1098 words, total size 6 kb.

Product review

We have a bottle of Pert Plus "Fresh" in the shower. I guess it was on sale or something and Lovely Wife picked it up. Being the inquisitive fellow that I am I of course gave it a gander. It has a refreshing 2-in-1 formula that is enhanced with a natural cooling ingredient you can feel. It's our coolest experience for lively hair! Well, what's not to like about that? Shampoo and conditioner in one - that alone will save me at least 15 to 20 seconds. And a natural cooling ingredient that I can feel? Why that does indeed sound like the coolest experience for my lively hair!

So of course I tried it. It lathered up quite nicely and as I was working my finger magic I started to feel it. A little tingle. A bit more tingle. A distinctive coolness, like when you dunk your head in a rain barrel on the hottest day of summer. Oh, what a cool experience! Truth in advertising and a product that worked, who'd a thunk it?

A whiff of the scent coming off of my head revealed how they did it. Eucalyptus...nice touch. A bit of menthol in the shampoo and you've got a whole new bathing experience. Gimme that koala juice, baby. I'm loving it.

And then I rinsed the shampoo from my head and realized in a grand hurry why it is not a good thing to have menthol in your shampoo. You see, shampoo is used on your hair which, for most people, is located on the top of their head. Just south of the top of your head is your face and smack dab in the middle of your face you have eye balls. Eye balls and mentholatum do not mix well. Not well at all, buster.

My eyes were closed and that is the only reason that I can see well enough to type this missive. I felt the chilling burn of menthol rinsing down my face, covering my eyes and face. I immediately felt the burn in the soft sensitive exposed parts - the corners and along the lid. And it was getting worse by the moment.

I frantically scrubbed my face with soap, trying in vain to get the napalm off. As anybody any guy who has used IcyHot can attest, menthol does not wash off of skin (think hands) well enough to allow the handling of sensitive body parts (think penis). The same rule applies to menthol that is on your eyelids and face - you can't wash it off enough to open your eyes with confidence.

Eventually I had to stop washing my face and get out of the shower. As soon as my eyes cracked open the slightest bit they were assailed by the burning fumes impregnated in the skin around them. The burning, the watering, blurry vision and pain lasted for an eternity, like the very fires of hell that await Michael Moore a good fifteen minutes as I stumbled blind through my morning ablutions.

In summary I cannot in good faith recommend this product. Although it does clean and condition as advertised, the side effects are too eerily reminiscent of coating the inside of your eyeballs with Vicks Vaporub unpleasant.

Posted by: Jim at 01:10 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 546 words, total size 3 kb.

Question for the masses...

If you are a holy man and you need a private army to protect you from other holy men of your own religion do you think that maybe, just maybe, you are not actually following a religion of peace?

Posted by: Jim at 11:07 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 47 words, total size 1 kb.

"N" is for Nihilism

The Letter of the Day was is "N".

"N" is for Nihilism. Recently published graduation rates may cause people to wonder if America's school systems are practicing nihilism.

The national graduation rate for the public school class of 2000 was 69%. The rate for white students was 76%; for Asian students it was 79%; for African-American students it was 55%; for Hispanic students it was 53%; and for Native Americans it was 57%.

Posted by: Jim at 10:03 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 81 words, total size 1 kb.

If I'm a Grammar God I must be Loki

I wonder if it's my mischievous nature or my unparallelled geekitude that makes me grin at stuff like this.

How I met my wife

It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.

I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.

I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones about it, since I was traveling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behaviour would do.

Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.

I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pariel like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt capacitated - as if this were something I was great shakes at - and forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times. So, after terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.

Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself.

She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory character who was up to good. She told me who she was. "What a perfect nomer," I said, advertently. The conversation became more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight she was committal. We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.

(Hat tip to Dopple-G)

Posted by: Jim at 09:17 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 481 words, total size 3 kb.

They can have my flag when they pry it from my cold dead fingers.

Kate is reporting on some rather distressing news. American airmen have been ordered to take down their flags at Kirkuk air base. The higher ups fear it might offend some of the locals.

Of course the regular troops can't say anthing about it - orders are orders. They can't say anything about how it feels to be told to take down the symbol of their pride, the symbol of their country, the symbol of why they are in a god-forsaken (or should that be Allah-forsaken?) desert doing their utmost to fix somebody else's problem while powerhungry local warlord wanna be's try to kill them. So I will do something that I don't normally do. I will take it upon myself to express their opinions for them. I do this only because as an 8 year vet I have a fair understanding of the workings of a serviceman's mind and a good idea of the scuttlebutt that's most likely going on in the barracks of Kirkuk.

To the jackass who decided that taking down the American flag was a swell idea:

Eat shit and die you mealy-mouthed appeasement pimp. Get one of your Spaniard friends and your French policy advisor to help you dig your head out of your ass long enough to look around at the men you are supposedly leading. Your mamby-pampy touchy-feely bullshit is not only unnecessary it is putting those men in greater danger. You are in an area of the world where the only thing that is respected is a show of strength and you are busy showing your belly.

You do so totally suck that it is beyond my ability to express just exactly how low my opinion of you is.

Kate has asked for a show of support. Since our soldiers aren't allowed to fly our flag, let's fly flags for them. I've already got a brace of them flying at the homestead and I'm happy to add one here. Feel free to snag this one for your own use. Or if you'd prefer, Kate's got a very nice one. She's got a nice flag too.

With liberty and justice for all.

Posted by: Jim at 08:52 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 380 words, total size 2 kb.

<< Page 5 of 6 >>
80kb generated in CPU 0.1757, elapsed 0.2692 seconds.
100 queries taking 0.2121 seconds, 339 records returned.
Powered by Minx 1.1.6c-pink.

Search Thingy



Recent Comments

  • destockchine All of the nastiest solution to forget the person is usually to be taking up space exact adjacent to... entry
  • destockchine Acquaintance might be the Coptis groenlandica the fact ties typically the hearts and minds with the ... entry
  • chine destock I really like explore considering yourself, still considering that I am just while i was you have ma... entry
  • chine destock Please don't it's the perfect time more comfy to be with. Make friends that will amount of force one... entry
  • destockchine Factual friendly relationship foresees the requirements of another and not just extol it is actually... entry
  • destockchine Inside of large choice my close friends fully understand you and me; in difficulty small children my... entry
  • destockchine Like, friendship, admiration, be careful not to bring together many people over a usual hatred in su... entry
  • infants costumes What a data of un-ambiguity and preserveness of precious experience on the topic of unpredicted em... entry
  • , Real love, solidarity, reverence, will not join forces visitors over a commonplace hatred pertaining... entry
  • Jennifer Glad you liked. :-) entry

Categories

Archives

Blogroll

Sample link

Monthly Traffic

  • Pages: 8100
  • Files: 158
  • Bytes: 59.8M
  • CPU Time: 11:29
  • Queries: 655676

Content

  • Posts: 2644
  • Comments: 11507

Feeds


RSS 2.0 Atom 1.0