Late to class? Go see Intelligent Design 101 and Intelligent Design 102.

[Class assembles and Mr.Balsavage hands out the test results while welcoming the students]

Mr.Balsavage: Good morning class!

Class: Good morning, Mr.B!

Mr.B: I have some bad news, class. It seems that Michael Newdow has filed a Constitutional objection against our Intelligent Design class and the 9th Circuit Court has issued a court order regarding our test.

Class: Oh, no! more...

Posted by: Jim at 04:04 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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1 Jim, as usual, I doff my hat to your intelligence and wit!

Posted by: Rachel Ann at February 11, 2005 03:24 AM (rIATS)

2 I still think you suck. And I name you a flaming liberal. Note to all -- I called Jim last night to argue about this very topic. Although we agree on many topics, he just couldn't be made to see reason. I'm not going to disown him or anything, but still...

Posted by: Garret at February 11, 2005 07:53 AM (IOwam)

3 Nay, nay, Fluffy. I'm a flaming liberalist. (Definition "C" if you look it up on M-W.com)

Posted by: Jim at February 11, 2005 08:21 AM (MDLz3)

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I got a very nice email from Tre at 21st Century Paladin. He complimented me on my site, told me he had blogrolled me and asked me to look at his site to see if I liked it and maybe put him on my own blogroll if I did. Happy to oblige Tre.

But this got me to thinking about my blogroll. How do sites get on my blogroll? Well, I'll tell you.

But first, allow me to present my excuses. I am a terrible template updater. It's not in my genes. I'm in software QA because I like to break programs. I am an inherent danger any time I open a template. I am a destroyer of bytes, not a creator. What I'm saying is I don't update my blogroll very often.

Excuse number two is that although the blogs I read are the ones on my blogroll I don't read blogs with my blogroll. I use a newsreader. If a site doesn't have a feed the chances that it will ever get to my blogroll are pretty slim to non-existent. Oh, I know that there are loads of excellent sites out there without RSS feeds. My heart bleeds a little bit every time I think of all of the great stuff I'm missing. However, real life has shown that I seldom, if ever, remembered to (or bothered to if I did remember) actually go read blogs outside of the ones in my newsreader.

So what happens to a prospective blog is I'll put it in the newsreader and follow it for a while. If it bores me or pisses me off I delete it. If it's still there when I update my blogroll it becomes one of the elite and gets put in the correct alphabetic order.

Tre, you're up there in the pending section right now. So far, so good.

Posted by: Jim at 03:16 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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My irregular posting on the best stuff I've read lately.

Kathleen does the first anti-fisking I've ever seen. She takes terror apologist Ward Churchill over the coals in spectacular fashion.

Gary Cruse comments on evil. Is evil a face of humanity or something truly beyond our understanding?

Another one from The Owner's Manual. Gary found this incredible time suck: The Baby Name Wizard. You have got to go play with this thing.

Is hazing wrong? Ilyka comments on a recent case of Marines caught pinning. That's where they stick a Marine's new medals on his chest by sticking them into his chest.

So you've got that screenplay sitting around and it's the next best thing since sliced bread. Take a look at generic's Writing Advice.

Breathalyzers are dangerous. I'm not talking about the ones the cops carry, I mean the one you take with you to the bar. Update: The funny story has been removed. Apparently it wasn't as in the public domain as RAT thought. He does have a very interesting replacement though.

Posted by: Jim at 02:47 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Cookies. The culmination of millennia of treat making lore. The ultimate delicious nugget of baked goodness. Cookies.

I don't really like most cookies. Now, now, now - put the big sticks away and let me explain. There are some cookies that put me into something approaching an orgasmic trance. It's just that the cookies that do this are (luckily for you) fairly rare. There are Salerno butter cookies. Milanos from Pepperidge Farms. Cocoa chocolate chip cookies from ... well ... me. Necessity is the mother of invention and since no elves bothered to learn how to make cocoa chocolate chip cookies I had to take this as my own mission. You, my lovely readers, benefit now from my efforts.

How to make Jim's Cocoa Chocolate Chip Cookies

Step 1: Tell somebody that you're going to make them some Cocoa Chocolate Chip Cookies.

Step 2: Wait a month or so.

Step 3: Offer various lame excuses about why the cookies aren't there yet. Illnesses in the house, a bombing at the post office and death all work well at least once.

Step 4: Wait another month until the excuses run out.

Step 5: Get off your ass and make the damned cookies already.
more...

Posted by: Jim at 09:15 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 Jim - these cookies sound delicious! I am SO stealing...err...BORROWING.. your recipe.

Posted by: Kate at February 10, 2005 10:13 AM (FcPaN)

2 Looks yummy. But you left out the beer. Where does the beer come in?

Posted by: RP at February 10, 2005 10:33 AM (LlPKh)

3 You could use beer liberally in the preparation stage as it's disconnected from the cooking and consumption stage. Beer with baking cookies is...ugh...flashback coming on here. My housemate E-dogg had a favored snack of graham crackers dipped in beer. Ugh.

Posted by: Jim at February 10, 2005 06:17 PM (MDLz3)

4 Mmmm... cookies. Thank you. I do believe I've found a project for this weekend.

Posted by: Kathleen at February 10, 2005 08:37 PM (zGCA0)

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PayPal button is over there on the right. Get cracking!

(I'm practicing my 'command voice'. It seems to be losing effectiveness at home.)

Posted by: Jim at 03:27 PM | Comments (15) | Add Comment
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If you're in the wrong class go to Intelligent Design 101 and catch up.

[Class convenes and Mr.Balsavage gathers up a stack of blank tests from his desk.]

Mr.Balsavage: Good morning class!

Class: Good morning, Mr.Balsavage!

Mr.B: Is everybody ready for the big test?

Class: Yeah!

Little Susie: No, I'm not ready. I have some questions. more...

Posted by: Jim at 01:56 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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1 I read that book - it's c) 42!!

Posted by: Clancy at February 09, 2005 02:34 PM (JxYJc)

2 I'm going to have to go with 42. Yep. *nods sagely*

Posted by: Claire at February 09, 2005 02:35 PM (FmPLy)

3 Still... you're wrong, Jim. Hyperbole or not, you have obvious bias. When you say 'trite theory' when referring to the Big Bang, you are showing your prejudice. I submit that the Big Bang is a trite theory. There is precicely as much logical/empherical proof that there was a Big Bang as there is for any creationist theory. In fact, I'd wager the argument for creationism is far more logical. The was that a human being is built, from the genetic level on up is incredibly beautiful and complex. In fact, the complexity and the way everything fits together speaks of some kind of intelligent design. Eat it.

Posted by: Garret at February 10, 2005 08:04 AM (IOwam)

4 Of course I'm biased. Everybody is biased. I'm biased against Creationism, you're biased against Evolution. So what? I have no problem with teaching the concepts and social realities of faith in schools. They're part of life. I do have a serious problem with beliefs of faith being passed off as science in order to sneak them into schools. So I make fun of it. It's how I cope with foolishness.

Posted by: Jim at February 10, 2005 08:21 AM (tyQ8y)

5 Why is teaching creation not science? Define science and how the Big Bang meets criteria that creation does not.

Posted by: Garret at February 10, 2005 01:30 PM (IOwam)

6 No. This argument has been going on forever and is currently going on all over the damned place. Elsewhere. I'm here to make fun of things, not debate the reasons why faith is not science.

Posted by: Jim at February 10, 2005 06:19 PM (MDLz3)

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Wooh, can't wait to see what flies out of Google with this post title.

I'm talking about my anal retentive nature, of course. Last night it struck me again just how anal I can be. We were heading to bed and Lovely Wife got there first. I went around the bed, underneath the comforter and pulled the sheets tight, re-tucking the bottom sheet where possible. Just like I always do. This was despite the fact that Lovely Wife was already in bed and the sheets were already straightened. It was also despite the fact that I realized the sheets were straight about half-way into the routine and finished doing it anyway.

Dopple-G used to complain loudly and constantly about my sandwich making peculiarities at work. This was back when we both worked at the same place and usually ate lunch together. My typical sandwich was a tuna sandwich with cheese. The bread had to be toasted one and a half times due to the crappy nature of the toaster there. It also took forever, also due to the crappy nature of the toaster. Then the tuna fish went on, mayo and pepper only. Then the cheddar cheese. The sandwich had to get nuked enough to melt the cheese. If any of these components was off, I didn't eat the sandwich.

It seems that once I get into a routine for a certain length of time it turns into an iron-clad obligation. The rules must not be broken, cannot be shirked. I think I'm salvageable though. I don't do that sandwich thing any more. After months of the sandwich at work cycle being forcibly suppressed (ie. unemployment) it faded and passed. I suppose if I slept on the couch for a month I'd break the sheet tightening thing also.

Fortunately Lovely Wife has high tolerance for my eccentricities so the couch thing isn't too likely.

Excuse me but it's time for another cup of coffee. I must go wash and dry my mug before refilling it.

Posted by: Jim at 12:48 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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Okay, this one's serious.

How much does a vending machine sandwich cost? Something like $2.50 to $3.00, right? How much does a fresh made deli sandwich cost at a place like the Atlanta Bread Company or Arbys? We're talking a buck or two more. And they're worth it.

If you had the choice between a vending machine sandwich that's been in there getting soggy and nasty for who knows how long or a fresh deli sandwich for a buck or two more, which would you take? The deli sandwich, obviously. The only reason people eat vending machine sandwiches is because they're there. They're convenient.

Offer deli quality sandwiches for the vending machine.

BOOM! Start raking in the money.

The reason vending machine sandwiches get so nasty is because they're all assembled already and the wet stuff turns the bread into a nasty mass that's a consistency somewhere between jello and the lung cookies that you hack up just as a chest cold is passing. Individually package the bread, meat and veggies. No more soggy bread. No more ham slices soaked in tomato juice. No more tomatoes squooshed into a red pulpy mass.

This is way bigger than the vending machine market, too. Sell them in supermarkets and you'll make a killing on people too freaking lazy time stressed to make their own sandwiches for lunch. Not to mention the people like me who thoroughly enjoy making a sandwich from scratch but can't stand to sacrifice an entire tomato since they can't use the rest of it.

I'm thinking a clamshell like the ones they sell Lunchables in. Hey, speaking of Lunchables this would put those suckers right out of business. If any Lunchables employees or shareholders are reading this, please contact me for job and investment opportunities.

Oh yes. This is the money maker. I can feel it!

Posted by: Jim at 08:44 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Sorry, not going anywhere with that. It just had to be said.

Blame Margi.

Posted by: Jim at 03:27 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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So, Kansas is in the process of reducing the impact of the Theory of Evolution in their schools. This paves the way to the introduction of Creationism / Intelligent Design. Removing emphasis on the Evolutionary Theory is retarded. Yes it is a theory. So is Gravity. Darwin's brainchild is used today in the real world to do real things. Playing religio-political games with it will have only one realistic effect - stupid kids.

But what about Intelligent Design? I don't see a problem with putting this into school curriculums. School can be a terribly droll place and a bit of humor could really liven things up. Plus it would be one short-assed class with a test everybody was guaranteed to ace. That could be a big help meeting No Child Left Behind requirements.

So what would the class be like? Follow me into a journey into the near future as we attend Biology class at North Kansas Elementary School in the North Kansas City School District, Kansas City, Kansas. In today's lecture (this will be a several lecture series of posts) the kids are introduced to Intelligent Design. more...

Posted by: Jim at 03:23 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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The great winter car stunt drive and ensuing recovery from idiocy story was true.

Seven players got it wrong, four got it right. It's disheartening that so many of you continue to think I led a moral, upright and respectable young adulthood. The biggest trip-up for the ones who got it wrong was the cop. Several couldn't believe I didn't get a ticket. Hell, I couldn't believe I didn't get a ticket. But I didn't get a ticket.

One point each for Paul, Machelle, vw bug, and diamond dave!

Posted by: Jim at 11:39 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Get in on it while the action is hot and freshly oiled.

Posted by: Jim at 11:30 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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A Jordanian couple fell into anonymous love over the internet and met to consummate their relationship. Their tryst ended quickly and vociferously as soon as they saw and recognized each other. The two were a married couple, separated for months.

Budding Jordan cyber love ends in divorce

Upon seeing Sanaa-alias-Jamila, Bakr-alias-Adnan turned white and screamed at the top of his lungs: "You are divorced, divorced, divorced" -- the traditional manner of officially ending a marriage in Islam.

"You are a liar," Sanaa retorted before fainting, the agency said.

Bakr then went home and beat off to porn.

(Hat tip to Lovely Wife)

Posted by: Jim at 10:38 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Hey, remember way back last week when I did the Give it to me, Baby post? I've got the answers to all those questions. And since only gals were involved in the inquisition there's a lot of sex questions. Enjoy!

(Aside to Victor and Clancy - "Give It To Me Baby" by Rick James.)

From Holly:

How tall are you?
I'm taller than Michael J. Fox but shorter than French Stewart. I was 5'6" when we moved to Georgia but I suspect repeated body slams from the children have reduced this somewhat.

Where did you go to High School?
North Tonawanda Senior High. NT is a suburb of Buffalo, NY but is in Niagara County instead of Erie where the rest of the Buffalo environs lie. Our high school mascot was a lumberjack. Yeah, a lumberjack. Opposing teams liked to sing the "I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay" Monty Python song at us. I'm not bitter.

What's your favorite snack food?
Ooh, this is a hard one. I love many snack foods. If I had to pick just one it would have to be cheese. Getting more specific it would be a toss-up between Emmentaller and Old Amsterdam.

From Tiffani:

Boxers or tighty whiteys?
Neither. I use boxer/briefs. All the freedom of boxers with the support of briefs. It's the best of both worlds.

How old where you when you first did "it"?
Twelve, and it was the happiest accidental discovery of my life. I was laying on my belly on the couch watching TV when I got a funny feeling. The couch was upholstered with a soft velour. The crack between the cushions succumbed to my clumsy advances and ... well let's just fade to black there. Sure hope Mom never reads this.

Michael Moore or Michael Jackson?
What's this, a Hobson's Choice? This is like picking between Stalin and Hitler. Well, I guess Moore is worse. Jackson is a freaky recluse and harmless to humanity (with the exception of prepubescent boys) - Moore is actively pushing an agenda that's dangerous to the world.

From DeAnna

What is the square root of 789?
Approximately 28.0891438103762784. With the exchange rate how it is that would be about 40 bucks Canadian.

When did you become a man?
Physically, at twelve (see Tiffani's question above). Responsibility-wise I got there in my mid-twenties. Mentally I'm still working on it.

If you were stranded on a deserted island with all the munuvians who would you eat first and why?
Lovely Wife of course. She loves it when I do that. Besides, being stranded doesn't absolve the wedding vows and I take those things seriously.

From LeeAnn

You have to move to a foreign land forever... which one?
Narnia. I've been in love with Narnia since I first read the chronicles at age 6. If you insist on a real world destination I'll pick Australia. There's every type of terrain and climate you could ask for plus an amazing history and local culture.

Through some sort of alternate reality, you are stuck in a world based entirely on one literary genre... mystery, comedy, horror, etc... which one?
Science Fiction. I'd pick fantasy except it's so dirty there and I have difficulty with other people's fragrances.

You can eat only ONE food for the rest of your life... which one?
Congrats. You've discovered my own version of hell. If I had to take only one food for the rest of my life it would be pizza with everything. That way I can at least take off selected toppings to get many different flavors.

From Kathleen

What do you wish you had done differently?
I'm a very firm believer in the nail/kingdom story (aka Butterfly Effect). For want of a nail the shoe was lost, etceteras. If I had changed something in my past I wouldn't be where I am now. There is too much in my life now that I would absolutely not sacrifice for me to change anything in my past.

That said, I would have gotten laid more often.

If money were not a consideration and you could do whatever you wanted, what would you do for work?
I would teach. If I won the Lotto and had more money than I could spend I'd go on a mad buying spree and spoil everybody I know. When the thrill of endless cash wore off I would settle down and teach.

What's your favorite beer?
Stovepipe Porter from the Otter Creek Brewing Company. Unfortunately they don't distribute to Georgia. If anybody in the NorthWest or Atlantic states (with the insufferable exception of Georgia) happened to send me some I would gladly trade any of my three children or the appendage of your choice.

Posted by: Jim at 10:06 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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You can get single slice wrapped cheese, right? And I don't mean just that slightly cheese-like processed food product called "American cheese" either. There's cream cheese in single serving packets, butter in single serving packets, salt and pepper in single serving packets. Hell, they even have single slice wrapped peanut butter and jelly for the unconscionably lazy over-busy parent.

Practically all of your sandwich needs are met with product available in unit sizes suitable to a sandwich with one notable exception.

Tomatoes.

You see, I like tomatoes. You could even say I love tomatoes. You'd be wrong, we just had that one weekend of wild sex, there was no genuine love involved except in the biblical sense, but you could still say it, this being a free country and all, and me with unmoderated comments.

I wonder how many English teachers I could kill with that last sentence.

Anywho... Nobody else in my family is particularly fond of tomatoes. You might even say they loathe tomatoes. Go ahead and say it - you'd be right this time.

So what is a man to do when he loves him some tomatoes on his tuna fish sandwich but tomato slices are available only in bulk form; that is, as a whole tomato. I don't eat enough sandwiches where I could actually use a whole tomato before the bulk of it went nasty and I am waaay too much of a cheap bastard frugal to just waste food like that.

Wouldn't single wrapped tomato slices be the bees knees? No? How about the gerbil's tits then? Yeah, that is a better expression - sorry about the bee thing.

Just imagine - any time you wanted a sandwich with two slices of tomato you just unwrap your individually wrapped tomato slices (available in Hearty Beefsteak (tm) or Classic Vine Ripe (tm) flavors). No cutting. No tomato guts seeping out. No wasted tomato!

So what are you waiting for? Get out there and start producing my tomato slices. I'm not a terribly sane patient man.

Hmmm... How about single sliced and wrapped lettuce?

Posted by: Jim at 06:23 AM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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An occasional roundup of some of the best stuff I've read lately.

Is anything in the world funnier than explosive diarrhea? I think not. Read this dread story of Macaroni and Beef if you doubt me.

Man the phasers, the Vegans approach!

Paul is desperate for content. You can tell because the world's greatest meme hater is starting a meme. And because he said so.

Finally, somebody had the balls to say it! Nelson Mandela is a sophist and a fool. That's not to say he isn't a sweet fellow, just ignorant and more than happy to expound on things he is clueless about.

Finley gives the straight dope on The Parents Television Council. This activist group is responsible for almost 100% of all complaints sent to the FCC.

Posted by: Jim at 11:17 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Saturday morning I was working on the computer. Bear came over and we chatted while I did some mind-numbing report review. He started doing the pee dance. That's the move where he stands there grabbing his crotch and gyrating a bit. If you don't have kids you're probably most familiar with this move from its common occurrence in rap videos.

Me: Bear, do you need to go to the bathroom?

Bear: No.

Me: Then why are you doing the pee dance?

Bear: My penis keeps bothering me.

Me: Your penis is bothering you?

Bear: Yeah. The penis part keeps sticking to my sack of balls.

'Sack of balls' has now been permanently entered into the family vocabulary.

Posted by: Jim at 07:59 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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Some movies can actually change you. Change your attitudes, your thoughts, even your beliefs. Any story can do this if it has a portion that touches you in a special way. By 'touching in a special way' I don't mean the way that pedophiles do, I mean in a good way.

The movie Singles changed me in an actual measurable way. Ever since I heard of 'gesundheit' it had been my sneeze response of choice. I mean, what's cooler and more worldly for a little kid to say than a foreign word in popular use, especially when said little kid knew how to use it appropriately. And the word wasn't a cuss so he could say it anywhere without having wooden spoons broken across his backside.

Well, in the movie Singles there's a scene where Bridget Fonda's character (just broken up with her boyfriend) gives her 'shopping list' for a guy. It's long and very detailed. But then she says that she's lowered her standards quite a bit and doesn't use that list anymore. Now she'll be happy with a guy who says 'gesundheit' when she sneezes. Or 'bless you'. 'Bless you' would be better - she really likes that. Skip to the end of the movie where Bridget and her ex are in an elevator together. She sneezes, he says 'bless you'. She jumps his bones.

I'll still occasionally say 'gesundheit' because that was my ingrained sneeze response for so many years. But since I first saw that movie anytime I actually think before doing the sneeze response I say 'bless you'. When a 'gesundheit' slips out I'll have a mental dammit moment when I realize that I missed a 'bless you'. And when I do the 'bless you' I get a nice warm feeling.

Okay, it's a very small thing. But that movie was directly responsible for a change in my attitude and behavior. In a good way too, I think.

So has a movie ever changed you? Big or small, good or bad? I'm keen to know.

Posted by: Jim at 07:50 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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When they get pregnant you can sell the offspring.

Posted by: Jim at 10:28 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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Sounds dirty doesn't it? Like something immoral you might do with corpses.

On the way in today we passed the Atlanta Nephrology Referral Center. Lovely Wife asked me what "nephrology" was. My response was an unexpected "Duh...I don't know". That bugged me. I spent years drinking and partying studying like a dog to learn medical terms and here I'd gone and forgotten one. One big and important enough to have a medical referral center dedicated to it.

It bothered me on and off all day long. Every time I tried to think of what nephrology was the Isles of Langerhans kept popping into my head. Those are in the pancreas and I knew “nephro” is definitely not the Latin for pancreas so I was at a dead end. Then I got a flash and I remembered a little memory trick I used for a biology test in OR Tech school. It was a drinking song little poem we memorized to help remember where the organs are located (in relation to each other) inside the abdomen. The part that was sticking in my head was something about “harvesting kidney beans under the Isles of Langerhans”. That bit was to remind you that the kidneys are below the pancreas. As soon as I remembered that bit I remembered that “nephro” is kidneys.

I rock!!*

So Nephrology is science of and relating to the kidneys. Do not confuse it with Necrophilia** or Necromongers***.

* Yes, I am fully aware that I could have looked it up online at any time and saved hours of fretting. That wouldn't have told me why my brain was misfiring between "nephro" and "Isles of Langerhans". Besides, figuring it out for yourself is way studly.****

** To which it is only cursorily related.

*** Space age bad guys who wear leather dresses (yes, the guys) and mullets in Vin Diesel movies.

**** Seriously, it really is way studly. I'm half tempted to give myself some points for this one.

Posted by: Jim at 02:59 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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