This is ungodly funny. And incredibly disgusting. Almost completely perverted. Definitely NC-17 or TV-MA or whatever the hell the rating system is now for no kids allowed.

Tiny excerpt:

Just by its nature, the probability of contracting food poisoning from fish is always higher than most other foods. This is why, based on personal experience, I recommend that no one ever engage in anal sex after your date ate a large fish dinner.

(Hat tip to Dopple-G)

Posted by: Jim at 12:53 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Found this at Natalie Dee's:

you know that thing where you figure out your drag name by combining your first pet's name with the name of the street you grew up on? when i do mine, i end up with WHITEY ROACHWAY, which is not that awesome. my husband would be McFLY CLAYTON. this, also, does not really have connotations of being seductive while hiding your penis. my little sister would be ROMEO REED, which is actually kinda awesome, but not drag queen-y. no matter how you play the game, you will never end up with a real drag queen-sounding name like LADY MISS MARILYN VON SNEAKYDICK.

I'm one of the few who never heard of this method of devising your drag name but I'm game.

Let's see...

My first real pet that I actually remember was a German Shepherd named Tasha. The first address I can remember is Hampton Drive. 33 Hampton Drive, Freehold, NJ 07228. Not sure about the zip, it just sort of popped out, but the rest is definitely the address where I lived as a young teen.

So my drag name is Tasha Hampton.

Feh, not much of a drag name. If we used my current stats I'd be Dakota Castle. Now that's a bit better.

So what's your drag name?

Posted by: Jim at 08:09 AM | Comments (21) | Add Comment
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1 Rusty John Wells Not much of a drag name either. It actually sounds kind of broke down.

Posted by: Trey Givens at February 04, 2005 08:38 AM (yaMs/)

2 Abby Cantebury.?.?. Abby River (my current name) sounds better.

Posted by: Clancy at February 04, 2005 08:49 AM (JxYJc)

3 Mine would be: Ming Caliandra Current would be: Motley Sherwood

Posted by: Tiffani at February 04, 2005 09:03 AM (KE4Gu)

4 Lessee... I would be Ricky Cleveland, going by the way they say you're supposed to do it. It sounds more like a movie actress name, though - And I would switch out the 'y' to an 'i' or 'ie'. Ricki(e) Cleveland. Going by current stats, I would be Aiobhan Randolph, which sounds like someone you'd run into in a pub. Hmm. Or, we could try Caitlyn Ralph, which sounds like a model. This is what happens when you name your animals with people names. I guess I don't get a drag name.

Posted by: Claire at February 04, 2005 09:05 AM (FmPLy)

5 Call me Claudius Place, baby. Or, a later pet (named by my sister), would have me as Fluffy Place. I think I prefer the quiet dignity of Claudius Place, though.

Posted by: RP at February 04, 2005 09:44 AM (LlPKh)

6 Ok, my dog's name growing up was Octavious You know, after the Roman leader. I'm not even going to attempt it because it sounds more like a Politican then anything

Posted by: Machelle at February 04, 2005 09:52 AM (ZAyoW)

7 Mine's great. Muffin Red. How cool is that?

Posted by: Jeremy C. Wright at February 04, 2005 10:02 AM (LxmkC)

8 Caesar Marquette. Not too bad...

Posted by: Susie at February 04, 2005 10:05 AM (MYr06)

9 Do I smell a contest for points? No? oh...ok.

Posted by: Tiffani at February 04, 2005 10:15 AM (KE4Gu)

10 My dad named the dog before I was born. He thought it would be cool to name the dog Satan. I have a feeling I can't win this contest.

Posted by: Garret at February 04, 2005 12:30 PM (IOwam)

11 Abiding these rules mine would be Princess Red. If I was current -- and using my parent's pet (I have none) -- it would be Cocoa Allen. What did I win Jim?

Posted by: Kenny at February 04, 2005 12:40 PM (sVrPB)

12 This is some good stuff. Some of these are definitely point worthy. I'll let it run a bit and then pick my favorites. Maybe we'll have a poll to get some reader input for the best of the best. Yeah, that sounds good. We'll do that.

Posted by: Jim at February 04, 2005 01:07 PM (tyQ8y)

13 Samantha Melrose. Ugh, it sounds WAAAY too real...

Posted by: diamond dave at February 04, 2005 04:47 PM (l35ua)

14 I'd be Blizzard Front. That's just wrong.

Posted by: Kathleen at February 04, 2005 06:48 PM (KRj9x)

15 Bleh. I would be Checkers Merton. How geeky is that? Not very draggish. Current would be Fiona Sanbourn. Just a wee bit better.

Posted by: Boudicca at February 04, 2005 11:31 PM (z7nbM)

16 OK, I can do worse. When I lived in Southern California, my drag name would have been... Dusty 229th. My current name would be Ne-hi Grayfield. Sounds much better.

Posted by: diamond dave at February 04, 2005 11:33 PM (dRDfJ)

17 I always heard this combo gave you your PORN STAR name. Mine is Sean Apricot - which is pretty good!

Posted by: Oda Mae at February 05, 2005 03:52 AM (T0Hhk)

18 I've heard your pets name plus your mother's maiden name gives ya your porn star name...anyway.. Drag Queen names: ShyAnne Havenwood Current: Artemis Ganahl

Posted by: Holly at February 05, 2005 08:59 AM (Wkg+N)

19 My first name would be "Baby" which sounds like the name of a drag queen or maybe a porn star but the last name....? "Third" or maybe I could cheat and use Street, like Della Street on Perry Mason. Yea, I'd have to cheat and go with Baby Street.

Posted by: Nanc' at February 05, 2005 11:36 AM (KJQ9X)

20 I am Maxi Hemlock. Less porn star, more serial killer maybe.

Posted by: Helen at February 07, 2005 04:16 AM (y74Wc)

21 Me, the six-year-old drag queen: Snowball Hacienda. Not bad. Me, the ten-year-old drag queen: Patches La Palma. Hmm. Me, the teen drag queen: Rusty Briarwood. Wait, that's my p0rn name. And me, drag queen of today: Qiti Lexington. Ahh. That one fits like a Gucci glove. But nothing compares with the real things: Ida Slapter, Eva Destruction, Lois Carmen Denominator, Tequila Mockingbird...

Posted by: Darren at February 19, 2005 03:42 PM (9RUZX)

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I had the most awesome dream. You know that fiction short story that Paul and I wrote together? I dreamed that we were offered $20,000 for it with an option for 3 more.

Now I'm just trying to think of what to do with all that money.

Posted by: Jim at 06:48 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
Post contains 59 words, total size 1 kb.

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

(Hat tip to Joe)

Posted by: Jim at 06:44 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Here's a nifty little meme I picked up at De's place:

A. First, recommend to me:

1. A movie:

2. A book:

3. A musical artist, song, or album:

B. I want everyone who reads this to ask me three questions, no more, no less. Ask me anything you want.

C. Then, I want you to go to your blog, copy and paste this allowing your friends to ask you anything they want!

The movie suggestions are especially important as I'll put them under consideration for the next Drunken Movie Review. I'll give it a couple of days then answer all of the questions at once.

Posted by: Jim at 10:58 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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Sign the petition to revoke this terrorist group's tax exempt status.

(Hat tip to DCeit)

Posted by: Jim at 09:36 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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I've won the Calvin's Dad Award (aka 'The Calvie')!

Woo hoo! I do so totally rock!

Posted by: Jim at 06:01 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Via Harvey I found a tale of frightfully vicious customer service at Lee Ann's View. Lovely Wife recently ran into a customer service nightmare of her own.

We love dollar stores. I'm sure I mentioned it before but the whole family thinks that dollar stores are the cat's tits. Just walking into a retail establishment knowing that you can buy anything that strikes your fancy is a heady feeling for folks like us with limited discretionary income. It's great for the kids too - they know if they walk in with 4 dollars they can get 4 things. Any four things. (Mom and Dad pick up the tax, you see.)

So we make a stop at the dollar store once or twice a month plus anytime we need a gadget or small tool. Our dollar store of preference was the Dollar Tree right around the corner from our last apartment. It's big but not too big, has a fine selection of useless paraphernalia and a friendly staff. We went to that one even though there are bigger ones not much further and similar ones closer to our house.

The Dollar Tree doesn't take credit cards or check cards. We use check cards almost exclusively. It is a very rare occurrence for us to have any actual cash on hand. For the Dollar Tree we use actual paper checks as that is their only non-cash option. Because we use check cards for just about all purchases and pay most of our bills online we go through actual paper checks very, very slowly. We still had several books left when we moved to our new house. I printed out address labels and we affix these over the old address on the checks when we use them. Hey, I'm a cheap bastard. No way am I ordering new checks when I have perfectly legal ones left. What else would you expect from somebody who shops at the Dollar Tree? more...

Posted by: Jim at 05:26 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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I've figured a nifty extra use for my newsreader. As you all know, I'm not a very good linker. I don't know why really except possibly that I'm a greedy, lazy roustabout. Or maybe it's because I see something linkable, say to myself "Hey, self - that right there is eminently linkable" but then I fail to link it and then forget it.

Yeah, either one of those excuses will work.

Anyway, I've started to save 'must link' posts in my newsreader. When enough of them accumulate so I begin to get pangs of guilt, I'll link them all. True, you won't be getting the freshest content in the world in my link posts but you will get the best stuff I've read in the past howeverlong-it's-been-since-my-last-link-post.

Y'all ready? Okee dokee:

Start out with Simon and his much lauded effort The New Blog Showcase. This has been doing great as a site and has launched more that a few worthy young blogs. Simon's taking it on the road now as a Carnival and he's looking for hosts.

Next stop is Ambient Irony where Pixy explains the mindset of relativistic enminity. He doesn't use big words like that, I'm just showing off. Basically he lays out why certain elements of our society view the liberation of Iraq as a bad thing.

Jennifer reminds us what's really important to remember about the Holocaust. Ask 100 American high school students to tell you who Anne Frank is; then ask them to tell you which concentration camp she died at...and precious few will know the camp. But most of them will know her story.

generic cracks my shit up with Aunt Stubby's Cautionary Tales for Children Not Yet Defeated by Life. I can't even exerpt this. Go read - if you're twisted like me you'll bust a gut.

Riding in the caboose is Lovely Wife. Hmmm...Lovely Wife's caboose... Gimme a minute here...

[break]

As I was saying, our final stop is at Flaptrap where Lovely Wife tells y'all a story about our neighbors. We're lucky enough to have neighbors who very quickly became friends and boy are they a hoot.

Posted by: Jim at 05:26 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I don't know if it's an insult or an honor to be compared to Bill Murray but take a gander at my Gay Factor! This is one hunka primo boobie lovin' man right here ladies.

(Click for biggie size)

Get your face analyzed.

(Hat tip to The Owner's Manual)

Posted by: Jim at 05:25 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Okay, not that much of a time suck but it's fun once or twice. Visit the Realistic Internet Simulator.

(Hat tip to Dopple-G)

Posted by: Jim at 11:01 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Update: When you're done here head on over to De's place for her first Shamming/Sharing

Remember these? I post an anecdote that may or may not be true. You guess which it is, based on your knowledge of me and my curious ways. Whoever gets it right gets a point when the contest closes. Here we go:

I was in my early twenties, it was winter, I was driving home from a bar in the big red boat. The big red boat was a massively huge dodge station wagon. When it was new I'm sure it was a bright sparkly red but by the time I bought the relic for $200 as a winter beater it was more of a dull burnt umber. It drove much like a boat - the suspension was so soft and it was so heavy that it didn't turn so much as sway around curves. The frame was wracked too, so if it was coming straight at you you'd see the front and the driver's side of the car.

Damn I miss that car. more...

Posted by: Jim at 07:29 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
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I hate being treated like an idiot, especially when I'm reading a book for pleasure. Today's bitch is against a particularly heinous affront perpetrated all too often by today's authors.

Introduction of villain

The villain is introduced by description. He is anonymous and mysterious. One unusual aspect of the villain is mentioned, generally more than once since the retarded readers can't be expected to notice it the first time. He plans something diabolical that shows he is actively working against the hero.

Hero meets "Bob"

The hero encounters "Bob". Bob is either a friend, ally, antagonist or other person who's on the same side as the hero. They might be friendly or they might hate each other. The key points are that they should be working together and that Bob has the villain's unusual aspect.

The writer thinks we're duped

Of course the writer now knows that he has tricked us into figuring out that Bob is the villain. He plays this up throughout the book but Bob is always known as Bob and the villain is always described by his unusual aspect.

The hero comes to suspect Bob

And the writer thinks we're all "shouting at the screen". No, hero! Don't trust Bob! He's the villain!

"Bob" has the hero in his clutches

Eventually the villain captures the hero and prepares to do something villainous to him. The hero is helpless and has no chance of rescue.

Bob saves the day

The real Bob arrives and saves the hero. Generally he also dies, leaving the hero (and supposedly the reader) anguished over his callousness in ever suspecting that Bob was the villain.

There are many variations on this little hammer blow of inept writing. Maybe the hero never suspects Bob at all, maybe it isn't Bob that saves the hero during the 'reveal', perhaps Bob really is a bad guy (just not the villain). What they all have in common is a pulling-the-reader-by-the-nose-ring condescension from the writer.

A good writer uses details to tell his story, not trite little tricks.

Rick Cook is dead to me.

Posted by: Jim at 01:27 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Lovely Wife: I know why I felt so sick yesterday. I think I'm getting my period.

Me: You should quit that. They're really gross.

Bear: I've got my period too!

Lovely Wife: You do?

Bear: Yeah, right now.

Me: Are you flowing like a river?

Bear: No.

Me: Well that's good anyway.

Lovely Wife: Stop teasing him. He doesn't know what a period is.

Bear: Then what is a period?

Lovely Wife: It's a dot that goes at the end of a sentence.

Me: Or the sanguineous discharge of the lining of the placenta.

Lovely Wife: Is not!

Me: Oh, right. I mis-spoke. It's the uterus, not the placenta.

Bear: That's gross.

Me: That's what I've been trying to say!

Bear has a playdate today. I wonder how that's going...

Posted by: Jim at 12:40 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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1 "Are you flowing like a river?" I am relieved to note that men do actually know and use this term, and not just in reference to the Mississippi.

Posted by: Helen at February 01, 2005 02:28 PM (uFX1z)

2 Evil. Eeeevil. Pure evil. Sending him out on a play date with that kind of information. Report back, please, on the shock and horror his new information causes at said play date!

Posted by: RP at February 01, 2005 02:44 PM (LlPKh)

3 The only period I care to here about is the one at the end of the sentence. And if a discharge is involved, it better be honorable or dishonorable, or else my fingers go in my ears and I start singing LA LA LA LA LA LA LA! I believe Jeff Foxworthy once said something similar to the above...

Posted by: diamond dave at February 01, 2005 05:31 PM (rvmEE)

4 You do realize that one day this entire exchange is going to come back and bite you. Oh yes, my friend... oh yes it will... I can't wait for the post when it does. Grandma, Grandpa, his teacher... oh it is but a mystery who it will occur in front of, but I am thinking teacher. Heh.

Posted by: Boudicca at February 01, 2005 06:13 PM (z7nbM)

5 Interesting. I usually describe it as "the ripping of the uterine wall into a gush of blood." Might have to try this new tack.

Posted by: Simon at February 02, 2005 02:27 AM (OyeEA)

6 Boudicca makes an excellent point. Blog that when it happens, please.

Posted by: Victor at February 02, 2005 12:37 PM (L3qPK)

7 I linked this. Good Lord, Jim. You crack me up.

Posted by: Boudicca at February 02, 2005 10:01 PM (z7nbM)

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