May 12, 2005

An argument for Creationism

The argument between the Creationists/Intelligent Design people and the Scientific/Many Pens in the Pocket community is a fiery and contentious thing. The battle is waged in the legislature, in school boards around the country and in uncountable online communities and their offline equivalent, Starbucks.

I always counted myself among the enlightened skeptics until this morning in the shower when I realized that there really did have to be something behind the design of the human body. There is one feature of the male body that is so perfectly designed for its use that the mere thought that it might have resulted from happenstance is simply ludicrous. One area that if it were even marginally different would have spelled the extinction of our race.

I speak of course of the male's lack of boobies. Imagine if you will a world where men had boobies. Men are unable to resist the draw of a boobie. We are genetically programmed to want to play with them (that's why they call them "fun bags" you know). We want to fondle them, jiggle them, wiggle them and squoosh them into a single virtual boobie with two nipples. Speaking of nipples, we have a serious fixation with manipulating those suckers too.

Imagine what things would be like if every man on the planet had a pair of boobies that they were allowed to play with at any time. No constructive work would ever be done. Meetings, already a bastion of inefficiency, would become a total farce as nobody would be paying attention except perhaps for a moment or two between sessions of fondling their boobies.

Sales of disposable razors would skyrocket though. Furry boobies are a major turn-off so most guys would be shaving their chests. That would of course add considerable time to a guy's morning routine. Not only the time spent shaving the boobies but the aftermath of the shaving itself. Seriously now, what do you think would happen when a guy was confronted by a well lathered set of boobies? Tardiness at work would be a huge problem.

It's obvious then that men don't have boobies for a reason. If the Creationists ever get a hold on this argument they'll easily win the whole debate.

Posted by: Jim at 09:58 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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I don't get it

The Governator is apparently in the shit-house with California Democrats because he can't get them to actually work on fixing the state's many problems and he is readying himself to *GASP* take the issues to the voters.

To me this seems eminently logical. I have two paths to completing my job. The preferred path isn't working. I take the other path.

This is not logical to the Democrat led state legislature. They feel that they cannot work with the Governator now since he has basically said he is willing to take things up with their bosses. Ummmm...wasn't it the not working with the Governator part that is forcing him to take things up with their bosses in the first place? So what's the loss here?

Dems: We're sorry. We know you mean well but we simply can't work with you on these initiatives to solve the massive financial problems that our programs have caused.

Governator: Ah you sure? Ah would really lahk to work dis out wit you.

Dems: Yeah, we're sure. There's simply no way we are going to give up the ability to draw our own districts or limit spending in any way whatsoever and we feel very strongly that job security should be a reflection of time served, not some mythical ability to do a job. We are especially against the very concept that union leaders might need permission of union members in order to give us our kickbacks.

Governator: Dat's too bad. Ah will have to go to de voters den.

Dems: If you do that we won't work with you!

Governator: Vatever, little girly men.

No, I was wrong. I'm not really surprised at the Dems being pissed at him. He's trying to give workers a say on where their money goes, make job performance more important, limit spending and eliminate a politician's ability to decide who votes for him. Those things are the lifeblood of the liberal elite.

Worst of all, he's going to let actual voters decide on these things.

Posted by: Jim at 08:49 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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May 11, 2005

Free? I LOVE free!

Gimme a free frosty ... bitch.

(Hat tip to Lovely Wife)

Posted by: Jim at 03:24 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Our schools must change

After I posted that editorial yesterday it put me in the mood to write another one. Today's is about general failings of today's schools and a glimse of the light at the end of the tunnel.

Posted by: Jim at 08:49 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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May 10, 2005

Do you love pussy?

Then you've got to check out the newly redesigned IMAO. Catblogging taking to the Frankth degree.

Posted by: Jim at 04:04 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Pixy is on a tear

He doesn't do it often but when he does it he does it sooo well.

At least that's what the chicks say.

Go see.

Posted by: Jim at 02:03 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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GreenZap getting ready for launch

I got some more information on GreenZap, the soon to launch alternative to eBay PayPal. They won't be using a percentage fee system like PayPal. It will be just a flat $1 fee to transfer funds. That means that any transfer or purchase over $28 will net more cash if you use GreenZap over PayPal.

And if you sign up before the launch using that nifty link in the first paragraph your account will start with $25 in it and I'll get a $5 finder's bonus. What's not to like about that?

Posted by: Jim at 01:27 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Every word means 'nads'!

I just figured this out and it is so cool I had to share it with all of you. Every word really does mean 'nads'. Just put it in the right context and BLAMMO, it's nads. Here's an example:

He missed the line drive and the ball smacked him right in the wall socket.

Now 'wall socket' doesn't ordinarily mean 'nads', right? Well, not in your everyday conversation anyway. But just by creating the imagery of a guy getting a line drive in the groin we've made a normally placid and harmless word mean 'nads'. Isn't that great?

Here's another one:

Never drive naked. Bob did that last Tuesday and got his block and tackle stuck to the seat.

Hee hee hee. I feel so naughty. I'll never think of pulleys the same way again.

Hey, wouldn't 'pulleys' be a good euphemism for wanking off? Just thought of that.

Sorry. Got sidetracked. Back to the nads. This is just the coolest thing. I'll be doing this for hours.

Go ahead. Try it for yourselves.

Posted by: Jim at 12:04 PM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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Zero Tolerance Editorial

In February an editor from the Dallas Morning News contacted me requesting an editorial. I happily wrote one for them but they've never used it so I posted it at Zero Intelligence.

Go. Read. Enjoy.

Posted by: Jim at 08:28 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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May 09, 2005

Bernie Mac is a jack ass

Okay, I admit that there is a small possibility that it wasn't actually Bernie Mac who wouldn't even give the courtesy of "The Wave" when I let him out of the Arby's parking lot onto the highway. As a co-worker pointed out there's a high probability that Bernie Mac doesn't drive a beat up late model Oldsmobile. Then again if he's getting paid according to the acting ability he's displayed in recent films he just might be. The googly eyes were funny 10 years ago, Bernie. Now go buy yourself a new shtick.

Sure looked like him anyway.

Posted by: Jim at 02:22 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Stuff that has pissed me off today

  1. Towel dispensers placed high on the wall so when you reach up to them the water on your hands runs back down your arms. I've also noticed that the vast majority of paper dispensers are placed out of reach of kids. Don't we want these guys to learn basic hygiene?

  2. People who don't give you "The Wave" when you let them pull into traffic ahead of you. It's my right of way, buddy. The least you could do is give me a thank-you when I try to be nice and let you in.

  3. Pencils that are too short to use. Why do they put graphite all the way through them anyway?

  4. Office chairs with the tilt lever where the up/down lever is supposed to be. Purchasing agents should not be permitted to buy chairs unless they've sat in them.

  5. Cubicles set up so everybody passing by sees your screen. One of my projects has hush-hush elements and I'm getting paranoid every time I open up a document for it.

  6. Phones without caller ID. The Do Not Disturb setting works really well but there's no "Except for Boss1 or Boss2" setting.

  7. Whiny blog posts that are full of nothing except a list of annoyances.

So what's pissing you off today? Sound off in the comments.

Posted by: Jim at 02:12 PM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
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May 06, 2005

Say hello to the Snooze Crew

I'm very happy to announce that I have a cadre of experienced motivated writers set to amuse and entertain you during my upcoming hiatus. For those of you unfamiliar with military parlance a "cadre" is, in this case, a half dozen. Unless you're talking about a baker's dozen, in which case a cadre is approximately 0.46153846153846153846153846153846 dozen. This is in no way related to "The Dozens", an urban game of insults dealing primarily with your mother. Yes, YOUR mother. It doesn't matter who's playing The Dozens, they're all talking about your mother.

Without further ado, allow me to introduce you to the Snooze Crew™:

We begin with frequent commenter and occasional SnoozeBob poster Diamond Dave. Dave's a local and I fear his FartBlast so he's in.

Next up is Phin. He's new to Munuviana but not to blogging. Any man who needs to actually point out that he could whoop Aquaman's ass needs all of the support he can get.

Victor's been a blogneighbor for eons. Victor likes rats and swimming in ladies underwear. I mean he likes rats swimming in ladies underwear. Victor himself seldom, if ever, engages in ladies underwear swimming. With rats.

Denise's hobbies include tormenting me in my comments and having sex. That's a winning combination if I ever saw one.

The coveted number five position (not to be confused with "The reverse wheelbarrow" which is also position #5 but in an entirely different context) goes to Rob. Rob isn't Rob from Xset but a completely different Rob. To avoid confusion, close one eye when you read Rob's name.

Rounding out the half dozen 0.46153846153846153846153846153846 dozen six is vw bug who I think is blogrelated to me through some sick twisted chromosonal chicanery of Harvey's. I'm not sure what the laws are regarding cohabitating with blogcousins but I'll be out of the place while she's here so I think it's legal. Especially in Virginia.

Snooze Crew™, I'll be sending each of you an email with account and login information where needed and restraining orders where appropriate. Probably not until Monday though as this weekend is supposed to be exceptionally fine weather and I need to suck up as much of that as possible before we go to Spokane.

One more thing - I forgot to mention this in the application post but these are paid positions. These motivated volunteers will all be earning some Snooze Points for their efforts.

Posted by: Jim at 01:40 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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I am the Word King

I saw this a while ago and was reminded of it by Claire.

English Genius

You scored 100% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 100% Advanced, and 93% Expert!

You have a godlike intellect. You are a beacon unto the idiot masses who should fall at your feet in humble supplication in the forlorn hope that your benediction will raise them from their ignorant stupor. Please contact me for possible chromosonal exchange. *Wink* *Wink*

Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!

To take the test, *click*

Ah...English. It's like a second language to me.

Posted by: Jim at 12:55 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Applications now still no longer being accepted

In a couple of weeks we'll be traveling to Spokane. I'm going to basically be on blog-hiatus for eight days. The Snooze gets bitchy and moody if I ignore it for more than a weekend so it is imperative that I find a couple of blogsitters. If you are interested in putting up some content while I'm off gallivanting just submit the following application* in the comments: more...

Posted by: Jim at 12:48 PM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
Post contains 348 words, total size 3 kb.

Match That Quote Numero Seveno

The rules:

  1. In the extended entry are quotes from 13 movies. Your job is to identify the movie that each quote came from.

  2. Guess as many times as you want, just don't get silly about it.

  3. First person to correctly guess each entry gets a point. If there are any left after 24 hours they are worth 2 points.

  4. As people guess the films I will strike out those entries and note who got it first.

  5. NO cheating!!! That means NO: Google, IMDb, searching my archives etc.!
more...

Posted by: Jim at 10:34 AM | Comments (15) | Add Comment
Post contains 577 words, total size 4 kb.

Caption Contest Results

The caption contest is complete!


(Click to enlarge)

Grand Prize: 5 points
*pop* *pfffffft*
Dafyd

First runner up: 3 points (selected by some chick wearing a wedding dress on a Greyhound bus in New Mexico)
In an effort to thwart terrorism in America's linen closets, the FBI has developed and trained a litter of Doberman Pincers with highly evolved camoflage.
shank

Second runner up: 2 points (Selected by all of the politicians who didn't travel on a lobbyist's dime. Both of them.)
The highly evolved chua-chua waits for its prey, the unsuspecting naked human. Little does the human know, its this chua-chua's snak time...
pylorns

Third runner up: 1 point (selected by the genetically enhanced hybrid pundit known as Ann Malkin)
This is what happens when you nag your husband about "Doing a load of laundry for once, and maybe give the dog a bath".
Rob

Posted by: Jim at 10:08 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 152 words, total size 2 kb.

May 05, 2005

Cut the blue wire with the white stripe...

...NOT the brown wire with the yellow stripe.

We had some excitement at work yesterday. Around 2:30 our receptionist made an announcement along the lines of "If you discarded a black bag in the garbage can out front we REALLY need to talk with you. Please come to the front desk." I didn't think any more of it until I was outside catching a smoke with some building neighbors and the subject came up.

One of said neighbors was an agent of the ATF. They own two floors of our office building. The FBI offices are in the next building.

He was saying that they did have to take things like that seriously because they really did get things sent to them and threats made to them. Constantly. Several times a week in this office alone and the FBI had it worse. more...

Posted by: Jim at 01:34 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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May 04, 2005

Gay blog!

Check this out! Snooze Button Dreams is a gay blog. No joke - I've been indexed by Spidergay.

Denis (the Spidergay webmaster) sent me a very nicely written form email to give me the good news. They hope that my "indexation will provide you with a greater number of GLBT Internet surfers". How sweet is that? I am now eagerly awaiting an influx of glibbet surfers.

And guess who didn't show up in a search of their directory? That's right. Snooze Button Dreams is more gay than Trey Givens.com. Boo ya! In your face, Trey!

They also include a handy one press link if I want a deindexation but forget that. Traffic is traffic.

Wednesday is starting out to be a pretty cool day.

UPDATE: Victor thinks it might have been this post that got me indexed. That would be ironic since I was first accused of hating gays due to that post.

Posted by: Jim at 12:43 PM | Comments (25) | Add Comment
Post contains 157 words, total size 1 kb.

May 03, 2005

What's that word?

The one for when somebody gets axed from their job because of their weblog? The name of the first person to get dumped on like that became the term for having it done to you. What's that word?

Well, whatever the hell the word is, it happened to 8 Z E R O 8. His is one of the blogs I found on that click exchange thing. What was the name of that thing? Damn, I'm bad with names today.

Anyway, he made it to the blogroll because he was funnier than me. For all of you who didn't know it, that's the only real requirement to get on my blogroll - just be more entertaining than me. Seriously, if I can entertain myself better than you can entertain me, what do I need you for? And remember, masturbation is entertainment so you have to be able to beat that. No pun intended.

Anywho...Somebody at his work ratted him out and they fired him. And that sucks big, huge amounts of vacuum.

Go visit, commiserate, spread the word, help him find a job, and click on his GoogleAds (no tipjar over there).

Posted by: Jim at 04:18 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 198 words, total size 1 kb.

I'm such a hottie

On the ride home yesterday my eye was caught by motion in the car to the right and a little bit in front of me. The passenger of said vehicle had just done a full head turn and was looking at me. The young, female passenger. Traffic separated us before I got more than a glance.

A minute or so later the traffic flow brought me back alongside them. This time driver and passenger both gave me a look. That's young, female driver and passenger. The young, female driver smiled. I smiled back and did the "Howdy" head nod. Traffic flow separated us again.

I know what you're thinking 'cause I was thinking the exact same thing. Visible booger, right? A quick check put the lie to that assumption. Next most obvious thing was to verify that I was indeed driving in my milk white mini-van. There's always the possibility I accidentally got into a Maserati when I left work and just hadn't realized. But no, I was definitely in the mini-van. Neither was I inadvertently shirtless, topped with messed up hair, nor obviously discolored by ink or food.

Traffic brought us alongside a couple more times until we both turned off in separate directions at the same intersection. Each time the girls would look over at me and the driver would have a big smile for me. With all other options eliminated I was forced to the only logical conclusion: I'm a hottie.

(Either that or they recognized me from the infamous cow pic.)

Posted by: Jim at 12:35 PM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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