May 12, 2005
An argument for Creationism
The argument between the Creationists/Intelligent Design people and the Scientific/Many Pens in the Pocket community is a fiery and contentious thing. The battle is waged in the legislature, in school boards around the country and in uncountable online communities and their offline equivalent, Starbucks.
I always counted myself among the enlightened skeptics until this morning in the shower when I realized that there really did have to be something behind the design of the human body. There is one feature of the male body that is so perfectly designed for its use that the mere thought that it might have resulted from happenstance is simply ludicrous. One area that if it were even marginally different would have spelled the extinction of our race.
I speak of course of the male's lack of boobies. Imagine if you will a world where men had boobies. Men are unable to resist the draw of a boobie. We are genetically programmed to want to play with them (that's why they call them "fun bags" you know). We want to fondle them, jiggle them, wiggle them and squoosh them into a single virtual boobie with two nipples. Speaking of nipples, we have a serious fixation with manipulating those suckers too.
Imagine what things would be like if every man on the planet had a pair of boobies that they were allowed to play with at any time. No constructive work would ever be done. Meetings, already a bastion of inefficiency, would become a total farce as nobody would be paying attention except perhaps for a moment or two between sessions of fondling their boobies.
Sales of disposable razors would skyrocket though. Furry boobies are a major turn-off so most guys would be shaving their chests. That would of course add considerable time to a guy's morning routine. Not only the time spent shaving the boobies but the aftermath of the shaving itself. Seriously now, what do you think would happen when a guy was confronted by a well lathered set of boobies? Tardiness at work would be a huge problem.
It's obvious then that men don't have boobies for a reason. If the Creationists ever get a hold on this argument they'll easily win the whole debate.
Posted by: Jim at
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"...a serious fixation with manipulating those suckers too."
Heh, suckers indeed.
"...If the Creationists ever get a hold on this ..."
True. I've never known a staunch creationist who made it to second base.
Posted by: shank at May 12, 2005 10:27 AM (+H1yK)
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Of course, there are men who
have boobies. In fact, I play poker with a guy that's got bigger tits than my wife. I know several guys who could benefit from "The Manzere."
Posted by: Paul at May 12, 2005 10:53 AM (vbP6L)
3
True enough, as far as it goes, but the fact is that the novelty would eventually wear off. I mean, except for a couple of teenage years, most men are able to resist the urge to touch themselves all the time. Now, throw in the ability to have multiple orgasms, and I think that the whole equation changes.
Posted by: RP at May 12, 2005 11:08 AM (LlPKh)
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"most men are able to resist the urge to touch themselves all the time"
Who's this guy been hanging out with? Although I do find it extremely difficult to type one handed; but youÂ’ve gotta appease the thinking stick right?
Posted by: phin at May 12, 2005 12:19 PM (Xvpen)
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speaking of bitch tits, I saw a dude today who was sweating right underneath his tits. Like, in the cusp of where tit meets chest, there were these damp spots.
It made me throw up in my mouth a little.
Posted by: shank at May 12, 2005 12:33 PM (+H1yK)
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If I had a set of bodacious tatas, I'd probably spend all day seeing in how many directions I could get them to gyrate.
Posted by: diamond dave at May 12, 2005 03:05 PM (Qv1Ye)
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I wonder how the various gf's and lw's would get react when they catch us checkin' out some dude's tits.
Posted by: Victor at May 12, 2005 04:28 PM (L3qPK)
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A word to the wise - one must always pluck the hair from boobies and NEVER, EVER, EVER shave the boobies.
Posted by: knpepper at May 12, 2005 06:25 PM (UeLRO)
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If you ask me.... you were in the shower waaaaay too long!
Posted by: michele2 at May 12, 2005 11:30 PM (ht2RK)
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Good Lord, Jim. You wrote this for Harvey, didn't you?
I'm reading this thinking... I get to meet the man behind these thought processes in July.
You crack me up.
Posted by: Boudicca at May 13, 2005 11:29 PM (z7nbM)
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I don't get it
The Governator is apparently in the shit-house with California Democrats because he can't get them to actually work on fixing the state's many problems and he is readying himself to
*GASP* take the issues to the voters.
To me this seems eminently logical. I have two paths to completing my job. The preferred path isn't working. I take the other path.
This is not logical to the Democrat led state legislature. They feel that they cannot work with the Governator now since he has basically said he is willing to take things up with their bosses. Ummmm...wasn't it the not working with the Governator part that is forcing him to take things up with their bosses in the first place? So what's the loss here?
Dems: We're sorry. We know you mean well but we simply can't work with you on these initiatives to solve the massive financial problems that our programs have caused.
Governator: Ah you sure? Ah would really lahk to work dis out wit you.
Dems: Yeah, we're sure. There's simply no way we are going to give up the ability to draw our own districts or limit spending in any way whatsoever and we feel very strongly that job security should be a reflection of time served, not some mythical ability to do a job. We are especially against the very concept that union leaders might need permission of union members in order to give us our kickbacks.
Governator: Dat's too bad. Ah will have to go to de voters den.
Dems: If you do that we won't work with you!
Governator: Vatever, little girly men.
No, I was wrong. I'm not really surprised at the Dems being pissed at him. He's trying to give workers a say on where their money goes, make job performance more important, limit spending and eliminate a politician's ability to decide who votes for him. Those things are the lifeblood of the liberal elite.
Worst of all, he's going to let actual voters decide on these things.
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I was thinking the exact same thing this morning on the way into work- I even had a nice little rant brewing in my head making the same arguments for my blog, but ya beat me to it.
Crap.
Posted by: Rob P at May 12, 2005 12:41 PM (i3q83)
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I lived in California for 15 years and I could never remember once both sides of the California legislature ever working together to get anything useful done (without a lot of whip cracking and ass-kicking contests).
Sounds like little has changed since I left.
Posted by: diamond dave at May 12, 2005 03:11 PM (Qv1Ye)
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May 11, 2005
Our schools must change
After I posted that editorial yesterday it put me in the mood to write another one.
Today's is about general failings of today's schools and a glimse of the light at the end of the tunnel.
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May 10, 2005
Do you love pussy?
Then you've got to check out the newly redesigned
IMAO. Catblogging taking to the Frankth degree.
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Pixy is on a tear
He doesn't do it often but when he does it he does it sooo well.
At least that's what the chicks say.
Go see.
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That was very well done by Pixy. It's clear the NYT equates "bloggers" with "right-wing nutjobs." Right-wing nutjobs
with an agenda! Horrors! Must call Wonkette and get the scoop!
I'd love to be at one of their staff meetings--you just know it's being floated about, seriously, that all these "bloggers" are merely see-krut agents of BushCo. Karl Rove delivers our paychecks via PayPal. Yeah, that's it.
Posted by: ilyka at May 10, 2005 06:44 PM (pQ4Zb)
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GreenZap getting ready for launch
I got some more information on
GreenZap, the soon to launch alternative to
eBay PayPal. They won't be using a percentage fee system like PayPal. It will be just a flat $1 fee to transfer funds. That means that any transfer or purchase over $28 will net more cash if you use GreenZap over PayPal.
And if you sign up before the launch using that nifty link in the first paragraph your account will start with $25 in it and I'll get a $5 finder's bonus. What's not to like about that?
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GreenZap is Launching!
32 days + 1 : 08 : 28 and counting -- http://www.greenzap.com/
Posted by: Jonelo at May 30, 2005 06:54 PM (tVl6S)
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Every word means 'nads'!
I just figured this out and it is so cool I had to share it with all of you. Every word really does mean 'nads'. Just put it in the right context and BLAMMO, it's nads. Here's an example:
He missed the line drive and the ball smacked him right in the wall socket.
Now 'wall socket' doesn't ordinarily mean 'nads', right? Well, not in your everyday conversation anyway. But just by creating the imagery of a guy getting a line drive in the groin we've made a normally placid and harmless word mean 'nads'. Isn't that great?
Here's another one:
Never drive naked. Bob did that last Tuesday and got his block and tackle stuck to the seat.
Hee hee hee. I feel so naughty. I'll never think of pulleys the same way again.
Hey, wouldn't 'pulleys' be a good euphemism for wanking off? Just thought of that.
Sorry. Got sidetracked. Back to the nads. This is just the coolest thing. I'll be doing this for hours.
Go ahead. Try it for yourselves.
Posted by: Jim at
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After the match, Kevin told reporters he would no longer be running the high hurdle events; it seems today's fall has severely bruised his meatball sandwich.
Posted by: Paul at May 10, 2005 12:20 PM (vbP6L)
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Why'd i make sure to have her home early? It mighta been her dad pointing the 12 ga. at my towelrack.
Posted by: tommy at May 10, 2005 12:59 PM (hCuhU)
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It doesn't work for
all words:
In self defense class, students are usually instructed to stop a male aggressor by kicking or punching him in the tampon.
However, some great ones I ran across were: hush puppies, tomtoms, hashbrowns, bacon bits, or even swizzle stick. Usage is also improved if the term is prefaced with 'the old', as in 'the old bacon bits.'
Posted by: shank at May 10, 2005 01:19 PM (+H1yK)
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You have to watch out for the gender of your nouns, shank. Change 'tampon' (female) to 'manpon' (male) and it works.
Posted by: Jim at May 10, 2005 01:35 PM (tyQ8y)
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I kicked him in the 'coffee cup' for coming up with such an assine idea. Hmmm. It does seem to work.
Posted by: vw bug at May 10, 2005 01:38 PM (H1TR1)
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Lots of words work for "ass" too, as in, "Hey, pull your head out of your Harvey!"
Posted by: Victor at May 10, 2005 01:48 PM (L3qPK)
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Speaking of towelracks ... Detroit Tiger last week got hit in the towelrack and wasn't wearing a cup.
Guess he was down for quite a long time all the while every other man in the seats and benches were seen holding their cups.
This player now wears a cup.
Posted by: Machelle at May 10, 2005 01:52 PM (ZAyoW)
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Manpon isn't aesthetically pleasing.
There's something weirdly "Moby Dick" about that (and yes, I understand the pun opportunities).
Of course, I had thought upon seeing "manpon" that perhaps you meant "butt plug", but when I put that into Shank's sentence then it gave a different connotation altogether.
So yeah. Jim's gay.
Posted by: Helen at May 10, 2005 01:53 PM (AabhR)
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Gayer than
Trey, who still hasn't been indexed by Spidergay. Hehe.
Posted by: Jim at May 10, 2005 01:57 PM (tyQ8y)
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"Manpon" HeeHeeHee I can't wait to use that one around the water cooler
Posted by: Frick at May 10, 2005 10:04 PM (IkvNl)
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It's not friday, is it??? ;-)
Posted by: Pam at May 11, 2005 01:02 AM (M+4NO)
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Zero Tolerance Editorial
In February an editor from the Dallas Morning News contacted me requesting an editorial. I happily wrote one for them but they've never used it so I posted it at
Zero Intelligence.
Go. Read. Enjoy.
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May 09, 2005
Bernie Mac is a jack ass
Okay, I admit that there is a small possibility that it wasn't actually Bernie Mac who wouldn't even give the courtesy of "The Wave" when I let him out of the Arby's parking lot onto the highway. As a co-worker pointed out there's a high probability that Bernie Mac doesn't drive a beat up late model Oldsmobile. Then again if he's getting paid according to the acting ability he's displayed in
recent films he just might be. The googly eyes were funny 10 years ago, Bernie. Now go buy yourself a new shtick.
Sure looked like him anyway.
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Speaking of being annoying and rude:
Isn't jackass one word?
Posted by: shank at May 09, 2005 03:42 PM (+H1yK)
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Ordinarily yes. In this case it was a play on words.
You see, a "jack" is a sailor (like in "Cracker Jack", eh?). Sailors are also known as tars. Everybody remembers the story about the tar baby, right?
So as you can plainly see, I was involved in a derogatory racist insult, not a simple spelling error.
Posted by: Jim at May 09, 2005 03:47 PM (tyQ8y)
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Another thing that really pisses me off is people who just can't admit that they made a damned mistake and build some convoluted bullshit excuse for it.
Posted by: Jim at May 09, 2005 03:48 PM (tyQ8y)
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But as far as bullshit excuses go, that one was amazing. Are they really known as tars? Humph. But it was mostly amazing because you're willing to be outed as a racist (even if you aren't) if it means you get to be right. That is true dedication.
Posted by: shank at May 09, 2005 04:50 PM (+H1yK)
Posted by: Jim at May 09, 2005 06:31 PM (MDLz3)
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Stuff that has pissed me off today
- Towel dispensers placed high on the wall so when you reach up to them the water on your hands runs back down your arms. I've also noticed that the vast majority of paper dispensers are placed out of reach of kids. Don't we want these guys to learn basic hygiene?
- People who don't give you "The Wave" when you let them pull into traffic ahead of you. It's my right of way, buddy. The least you could do is give me a thank-you when I try to be nice and let you in.
- Pencils that are too short to use. Why do they put graphite all the way through them anyway?
- Office chairs with the tilt lever where the up/down lever is supposed to be. Purchasing agents should not be permitted to buy chairs unless they've sat in them.
- Cubicles set up so everybody passing by sees your screen. One of my projects has hush-hush elements and I'm getting paranoid every time I open up a document for it.
- Phones without caller ID. The Do Not Disturb setting works really well but there's no "Except for Boss1 or Boss2" setting.
- Whiny blog posts that are full of nothing except a list of annoyances.
So what's pissing you off today? Sound off in the comments.
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Same as usual....kids,pets,Spokane....
Posted by: LW at May 09, 2005 02:38 PM (MDLz3)
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"A hush-hush project" - is that what they're calling it now? nudge-nudge, wink-wink
Anyway - revising for an Arabic oral exam when we have done approximately no speaking so far in the course is my pet peeve today...
Posted by: Dafyd at May 09, 2005 02:42 PM (ZZQbd)
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my back. It's been achy lately. I think I was abducted by aliens, and they took my spine out and gave me one from some seventy-five year old retired migrant worker. Christ almighty.
Posted by: shank at May 09, 2005 03:34 PM (+H1yK)
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The alarm clock, the drive to work, the people I must see and hear, the lack of lunch and the smell of microwave popcorn, which has permeated the entire building.
Aside from the above, the day's been okay.
Posted by: Paul at May 09, 2005 03:45 PM (vbP6L)
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The only thing worse than that completely engulfing smell of popcorn at work is the completely engulfing smell of burnt popcorn at work.
Posted by: Jim at May 09, 2005 03:50 PM (tyQ8y)
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I hate it when people burn popcorn. You don't even need to be able to
read anymore to cook popcorn correctly; just hit the button with the popcorn icon on it. I bet you could train a retarded lab rat how to microwave a decent bag of popcorn. Do you work in that office from the commercials? The one with all the monkeys in it?
Posted by: shank at May 09, 2005 04:53 PM (+H1yK)
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Maybe that's the problem. Our microwaves are a bit older and still have the word "popcorn" instead of a picture.
Posted by: Jim at May 09, 2005 06:33 PM (MDLz3)
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My worst peeve at work? When people think my personal workspace is their storage area and dump their shit there. Or take stuff without asking and not return it.
That stuff makes me go psycho.
Posted by: diamond dave at May 09, 2005 10:53 PM (gkwrQ)
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The number 67.5 and the letter Y.
Because.
Posted by: Rachel Ann at May 10, 2005 05:12 AM (+VqMf)
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I'm not annoyed by anything yet today (except the sales people at my work who can't sell things properly) but one thing that irritates me generally in the category of hygiene is the Infinity Towel.
You don't see these much any more, but when I encounter them (one of my favorite restaurants has it) they bother me.
Instead of dispensing towels, there is just one big, long loop of a towel that you're supposed to rotate through the contraption.
Do you think I'm touching that? Hell no.
Posted by: Trey Givens at May 10, 2005 09:28 AM (yaMs/)
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Our chairs at work seem to go on the fritz. You'll be sitting there and suddenly, you drop an inch. Then about 5 minutes later, it happens again.
And even though, it's only an inch, it's like taking the first plunge on the roller coaster, because here you are intently concentrating, and then your chair drops an inch.
Annoying. I got a new chair. They've had to replace 30% of the chairs in my office.
Posted by: Boudicca at May 10, 2005 11:02 PM (z7nbM)
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Jim, I don't know if you go back to read comments added long after you've posted something here. I hope you do.
My mom worked as the city administrator and was involved in municipal politics her entire working career. She worked with a mayor for a few years whom she truly disliked and he annoyed her.
Unbeknownst to her, I programmed her telephone display to read 'The Little Shit" when he called her at home.
The first time he called her after I'd done that, she laughed so hard she had to hang up!
Posted by: knpepper at May 12, 2005 06:34 PM (UeLRO)
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May 06, 2005
Say hello to the Snooze Crew
I'm very happy to announce that I have a cadre of
experienced motivated writers set to amuse and entertain you during my upcoming hiatus. For those of you unfamiliar with military parlance a "cadre" is, in this case, a half dozen. Unless you're talking about a baker's dozen, in which case a cadre is approximately 0.46153846153846153846153846153846 dozen. This is in no way related to "The Dozens", an urban game of insults dealing primarily with your mother. Yes,
YOUR mother. It doesn't matter who's playing The Dozens, they're all talking about your mother.
Without further ado, allow me to introduce you to the Snooze Crew™:
We begin with frequent commenter and occasional SnoozeBob poster Diamond Dave. Dave's a local and I fear his FartBlast so he's in.
Next up is Phin. He's new to Munuviana but not to blogging. Any man who needs to actually point out that he could whoop Aquaman's ass needs all of the support he can get.
Victor's been a blogneighbor for eons. Victor likes rats and swimming in ladies underwear. I mean he likes rats swimming in ladies underwear. Victor himself seldom, if ever, engages in ladies underwear swimming. With rats.
Denise's hobbies include tormenting me in my comments and having sex. That's a winning combination if I ever saw one.
The coveted number five position (not to be confused with "The reverse wheelbarrow" which is also position #5 but in an entirely different context) goes to Rob. Rob isn't Rob from Xset but a completely different Rob. To avoid confusion, close one eye when you read Rob's name.
Rounding out the half dozen 0.46153846153846153846153846153846 dozen six is vw bug who I think is blogrelated to me through some sick twisted chromosonal chicanery of Harvey's. I'm not sure what the laws are regarding cohabitating with blogcousins but I'll be out of the place while she's here so I think it's legal. Especially in Virginia.
Snooze Crew™, I'll be sending each of you an email with account and login information where needed and restraining orders where appropriate. Probably not until Monday though as this weekend is supposed to be exceptionally fine weather and I need to suck up as much of that as possible before we go to Spokane.
One more thing - I forgot to mention this in the application post but these are paid positions. These motivated volunteers will all be earning some Snooze Points for their efforts.
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I'm floored.
Not sure how I'll do this, but I'll do my best. Thanks, Jim!
Posted by: diamond dave at May 06, 2005 04:36 PM (OPflN)
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I'm just as floored as you are Dave! LOL I'm a sucker for filling out applications!! I am beginning to think I should fill out the application my hubby got in the mail for National Teen Miss. Yep. It was addressed to him and ONLY him. But with this streak of luck, maybe I should fill it out and mail it in. Do you think they'll consider me an "aged" teen?
Posted by: Denise at May 06, 2005 07:21 PM (JTlEe)
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Woo-HOO!
*cabbage patch dance*
Do we get to wear superhero costumes? (If so, I'll need a day or two to find the right gourd, just to fill things out up front...)
Posted by: Rob at May 07, 2005 02:48 PM (Gkhif)
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They're getting Snooze Points for this?
Lucky bastards :-)
Posted by: Harvey at May 08, 2005 03:10 PM (ubhj8)
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Dammit. They're getting points. That sucks wet socks. Not that I would've joined up... I got scared by the whole 'had to be funny' thing. Yeah, that's not me. My boys are funny... I am not.
Maybe VW will let me borrow some of her points...
Posted by: Boudicca at May 08, 2005 10:31 PM (z7nbM)
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suckers! incedently, my website just had a makeover.
Posted by: pylorns at May 09, 2005 09:54 AM (FTYER)
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Schweet! I also plan to hand out snooze points, so there should be points-a-plenty sometime soon!
Posted by: Victor at May 09, 2005 10:35 AM (L3qPK)
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I am the Word King
I saw this a while ago and was reminded of it by
Claire.
English Genius
You scored 100% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 100% Advanced, and 93% Expert!
You have a godlike intellect. You are a beacon unto the idiot masses who should fall at your feet in humble supplication in the forlorn hope that your benediction will raise them from their ignorant stupor. Please contact me for possible chromosonal exchange. *Wink* *Wink*
Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!
To take the test, *click*
Ah...English. It's like a second language to me.
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English Genius
You scored 100% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 100% Advanced, and 80% Expert!
You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go!
I think I screwed up on "complement"
Posted by: Wendy at May 06, 2005 11:25 PM (lVGGv)
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Yikes, just as was getting used to blog sites, you led me to a whole other world of silly tests!! Geesh, I completed about 15 of them and totally got sucked in. Here's what I've learned about myself in the last hour:
I'm grammatically correct most of the time
I'm sane (phew!!)
I'm much younger than my real age (thank God!)
I'm a great sex partner
I'm stupid for getting sucked in to completing tests
Posted by: knpepper at May 07, 2005 06:39 PM (lHC2e)
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"You are a beacon unto the idiot masses"
I read that as you are bacon to the masses ... looks like I shouldn't even bother trying ;-)
Posted by: Rob at May 10, 2005 08:39 AM (kXZI6)
4
I'd probably get a lot further ahead if I was bacon to the masses instead of a beacon. Who doesn't like bacon?
Mmmm...bacon...
Posted by: Jim at May 10, 2005 08:53 AM (tyQ8y)
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Applications now still no longer being accepted
In a couple of weeks we'll be traveling to Spokane. I'm going to basically be on blog-hiatus for eight days. The Snooze gets bitchy and moody if I ignore it for more than a weekend so it is imperative that I find a couple of blogsitters. If you are interested in putting up some content while I'm off gallivanting just submit the following application* in the comments:
more...
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Jim,
I grew up in Spokane. You have my sympathies
Posted by: The Webwench at May 02, 2005 09:21 PM (/vHVW)
2
1. Diamond Dave (you know my real name)
2. Last weekend
3. 36
4. Blue
5. FartBlast
6. Yes
7. Not yet (but almost)
8. Lawrenceville PD
9. Machiavellian (but I really prefer Klingon)
10. OK, but you asked for it
11. Whadafuk?
12. hanging tongue
13. Thank you!
14. Well, I could tryyyy......
15. If I had to.
16. I'm tired of growing up. I want to go back to kindergarten.
17. Musings about life and death and everything in between.
18. Jealous, are you?
19. Tae kwon do, netsurfing, sex.
20. You asked.
21. Actually this looked like a good questionnaire, so I commented. I sometimes think up something good, but not on a regular basis (which is why I don't have my own blog). I don't need any more responsibility, so you don't have to choose me. Seriously. I'm happy with the occasional Snoozebob post. As far as energy sources, let's fuel power plants by incinerating garbage. We'll never run out of that.
Posted by: diamond dave at May 02, 2005 09:22 PM (OPflN)
3
1. Denise
2. As often as I can get it.
3. Never ask a woman her age! But if you really want to know .... OLD!
4. Blue
5. None that i know of, unless you consider multiple personalities a super power.
6. No
7. NO.
8. If it happens, I am sure that it would be Harvey.
9. Hasn't happened yet.
10. HELL NO.
11. Who cares.
12. hanging testicles
13. Sorry.
14. Not really.

15. Yes.
16. I don't wanna grow up. I wanna be a Toys R Us kid.
17. No clue.
18. Not really.
19. Sex, reading, playing BHD.
20. That bad, huh?
21. Trick question. You didn't say open your booklet.
Posted by: Denise at May 03, 2005 12:26 PM (JTlEe)
4
Hey! Spo-caine ain't all THAT bad. ;o)
As for your applications -- I dunno about guest-posting, but I think we got ourselves a love connection here.
Denise, meet Dave. Dave, Denise.
It could be a cute first date type post.
[Forgetitall if you're already married n' shit. I ain't no homewrecker.]
Posted by: Margi at May 03, 2005 06:24 PM (lWAiX)
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You're right, it does kinda look like a first-date post.
I am married, however.
Posted by: diamond dave at May 03, 2005 10:08 PM (OPflN)
6
LOL ..... Hi Dave. Hi Margi! By the way, I am married too!
Posted by: Denise at May 04, 2005 06:42 AM (JTlEe)
7
Yikes. Now this is starting to sound like a swingers board...
Posted by: diamond dave at May 04, 2005 04:35 PM (r8BvQ)
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Nothing wrong with that!
Posted by: Jim at May 05, 2005 03:56 PM (tyQ8y)
9
Hmm..... looks like you got only two biters Jim! LOL Maybe it was the length of the application?! Or, that no one feels they could live up to your story telling abilities? *tilting head*
Posted by: Denise at May 05, 2005 05:24 PM (JTlEe)
10
1) Rob
2) Male
3) Younger than dirt, older than your kids.
4) Green. As in the lovely color o' cash.
5) Tantric Sex. Except when someone else is in the room.
6) Nope. I'm a compulsive commenter- Failed comment rehab twice.
7) Why, yes. Yes I have.

No one. I was feeling needy and wanted the attention.
9) I inflicted myself upon the general public. 'Nuff said.
10) Pfft. Please.
11) Who cares. I have enough imaginary friends to have an imaginary life. Don't need no steenking bennifer.
12) Levels of sodium and nitrates. Maybe that's why he licks himself.
13) *bows*
14) Nope. But you can fix it.
15) Maybe. I am a geek after all.
16) Hugh Heffner, circa 1980's.
17) Inane observations, pithy quotes and quips.
1

That's twice- I'm getting good at this, no?
19) I have no "hobbies". I have "part-time obsession disorder". Hobbies are for bingo-addicted Grandmas and basement dwelling gamerz. I am a wild-eyed pamphleteer, a picker and a grinner and a total dork.
20) No instructions to open said (and nonexistent) booklets were given as of yet. I will wait, imperiously tapping my foot.
Still waiting.
Fine.
I'm leaving.
Who needs your dumb booklet.
It's probably pictures of you and that cow.
(BTW, the cow called. She says you never write, you never call, and she wants to know about this rash she has.)
Posted by: Rob at May 06, 2005 08:45 AM (i3q83)
11
Hah! Take that, Denise!
Posted by: Jim at May 06, 2005 09:52 AM (tyQ8y)
12
Application out of pity? LOL HA! Take that Jimbo! LOL
Posted by: Denise at May 06, 2005 12:43 PM (JTlEe)
13
Oops, read this post too fast for the brain to entirely catch and thought you were on hiatus NOW.
Mea buggery culpa.
However, then, you have no excuse to take up the challenge I tossed at you in my last post.
Neener.
Posted by: LeeAnn at May 06, 2005 02:01 PM (vqSdN)
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Match That Quote Numero Seveno
The rules:
- In the extended entry are quotes from 13 movies. Your job is to identify the movie that each quote came from.
- Guess as many times as you want, just don't get silly about it.
- First person to correctly guess each entry gets a point. If there are any left after 24 hours they are worth 2 points.
- As people guess the films I will strike out those entries and note who got it first.
- NO cheating!!! That means NO: Google, IMDb, searching my archives etc.!
more...
Posted by: Jim at
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1
4 - West Side Story
5 - Raiders of the Lost Ark
9 - Back to the Future
13 - Rain Man
Posted by: Dafyd at May 06, 2005 10:41 AM (ZZQbd)
2
#4, wrong
#5, #9, #13, correct
Posted by: Jim at May 06, 2005 10:44 AM (tyQ8y)
3
11- Christmas Story
12- Stand By Me
Posted by: Jeff at May 06, 2005 11:08 AM (ujYyI)
Posted by: Jeff at May 06, 2005 11:10 AM (ujYyI)
Posted by: rob at May 06, 2005 11:16 AM (kXZI6)
6
Jeff - correct on 11 and 12, wrong on 1
rob - correct on 7
Posted by: Jim at May 06, 2005 11:19 AM (tyQ8y)
7
Ah, yes...
4 - The Untouchables
Posted by: Dafyd at May 06, 2005 11:46 AM (ZZQbd)
8
1 is Abyss!
3 is Terminator!
Posted by: Helen at May 06, 2005 11:57 AM (AabhR)
9
Oh oh I know #6 -
The Shining!
Posted by: Tiffani at May 06, 2005 12:01 PM (KE4Gu)
10
Helen, Dafyd & Tiffani - Correct on all counts.
Posted by: Jim at May 06, 2005 12:05 PM (tyQ8y)
Posted by: MojoMark at May 06, 2005 12:20 PM (E+LQu)
12
ooooo ya. #2 - Red Dawn
Posted by: MojoMark at May 06, 2005 12:22 PM (E+LQu)
13
MojoMark - correct on both
Posted by: Jim at May 06, 2005 12:33 PM (tyQ8y)
14
8. Full Metal Jacket?
Never saw it myself...
Posted by: Holly at May 07, 2005 02:19 PM (10PCP)
15
Correct! And that finishes this one. That's double points for Holly since we were into the 2nd day of guessing.
Posted by: Jim at May 09, 2005 08:04 AM (tyQ8y)
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Caption Contest Results
The
caption contest is complete!

(Click to enlarge)
Grand Prize: 5 points
*pop* *pfffffft*
Dafyd
First runner up: 3 points (selected by some chick wearing a wedding dress on a Greyhound bus in New Mexico)
In an effort to thwart terrorism in America's linen closets, the FBI has developed and trained a litter of Doberman Pincers with highly evolved camoflage.
shank
Second runner up: 2 points (Selected by all of the politicians who didn't travel on a lobbyist's dime. Both of them.)
The highly evolved chua-chua waits for its prey, the unsuspecting naked human. Little does the human know, its this chua-chua's snak time...
pylorns
Third runner up: 1 point (selected by the genetically enhanced hybrid pundit known as Ann Malkin)
This is what happens when you nag your husband about "Doing a load of laundry for once, and maybe give the dog a bath".
Rob
Posted by: Jim at
10:08 AM
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May 05, 2005
Cut the blue wire with the white stripe...
...NOT the brown wire with the yellow stripe.
We had some excitement at work yesterday. Around 2:30 our receptionist made an announcement along the lines of "If you discarded a black bag in the garbage can out front we REALLY need to talk with you. Please come to the front desk." I didn't think any more of it until I was outside catching a smoke with some building neighbors and the subject came up.
One of said neighbors was an agent of the ATF. They own two floors of our office building. The FBI offices are in the next building.
He was saying that they did have to take things like that seriously because they really did get things sent to them and threats made to them. Constantly. Several times a week in this office alone and the FBI had it worse.
more...
Posted by: Jim at
01:34 PM
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1
Stealth points: The Abyss
Posted by: Clancy at May 05, 2005 02:07 PM (JxYJc)
2
Ding ding!
2 points for that one.
Posted by: Jim at May 05, 2005 02:33 PM (tyQ8y)
3
I knew a guy in forensics that got called to a scene to help with identification. All the patrol cars where there, coroner, you name it. Big roll of plastic reaking of death was found in a dumpster. They unrolled it and it was God only knows how many pounds of rotten shrimp.
Turned out to be a good day for him. He was really dreading what they were going to find.
Posted by: Boudicca at May 05, 2005 03:37 PM (z7nbM)
4
I used to work in Law Enforcment, We got a call that there was something suspicious flooting in the river, unfortunantly for us it was a body... and it had been there a while... I wish it had been a cooler with bad tuna.
Posted by: Contagion at May 06, 2005 09:09 AM (Q5WxB)
5
Catching a smoke? I thought you quit smoking, hmmm? (she said, tapping her toe)
Posted by: Kathleen at May 08, 2005 08:51 PM (zGCA0)
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May 04, 2005
Gay blog!
Check this out! Snooze Button Dreams is a gay blog. No joke - I've been indexed by
Spidergay.
Denis (the Spidergay webmaster) sent me a very nicely written form email to give me the good news. They hope that my "indexation will provide you with a greater number of GLBT Internet surfers". How sweet is that? I am now eagerly awaiting an influx of glibbet surfers.
And guess who didn't show up in a search of their directory? That's right. Snooze Button Dreams is more gay than Trey Givens.com. Boo ya! In your face, Trey!
They also include a handy one press link if I want a deindexation but forget that. Traffic is traffic.
Wednesday is starting out to be a pretty cool day.
UPDATE: Victor thinks it might have been this post that got me indexed. That would be ironic since I was first accused of hating gays due to that post.
Posted by: Jim at
12:43 PM
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1
Jim, it's refreshing to see someone so supportive of their blog's lifetsyle. I've seen too many bloggers become ashamed, embarrassed, or even completely disown their blogs upon the discovery that they're gay. You're a good man Jim, and a great blogger.
Posted by: shank at May 04, 2005 10:11 AM (+H1yK)
2
Ok...THIS is funny! Yay you for more traffic. (you're such a traffic whore!) :-P
Posted by: Pam at May 04, 2005 11:01 AM (AVAIa)
3
Well shank, I see it as a free and open choice. I might not fully understand my blog's choice but I can still support its decision.
Pam - Thanks for putting "traffic" in there. ;-)
Posted by: Jim at May 04, 2005 11:07 AM (tyQ8y)
4
I'm sorry that it didn't give you the option of being a Metrosexual blogger, but maybe it was all the posts about your days with the boys in the Navy, that tipped the balance!
Posted by: RP at May 04, 2005 11:42 AM (LlPKh)
5
I think it was that time you fantasized you were gay.
Posted by: Victor at May 04, 2005 12:25 PM (L3qPK)
6
Hey, now. I was NOT fantasizing that I was gay. I was regretting that I wasn't gay. Big difference there.
That would be a bit ironic. I got my first "you bastard, you hate gays" mail from that post.
Posted by: Jim at May 04, 2005 12:39 PM (tyQ8y)
7
Your blog is gay?
Dude, that is SO gay! :-P
Posted by: Harvey at May 04, 2005 01:54 PM (tJfh1)
8
The green eyed beast raises it's head. It's like, so obvious, Harv.
Posted by: Jim at May 04, 2005 01:55 PM (tyQ8y)
9
What a blow it will be to your wife's blog....
Posted by: Claire at May 04, 2005 06:58 PM (l1oyw)
Posted by: Jim at May 04, 2005 07:16 PM (MDLz3)
11
I don't want to rain on your Mardi Gras but I also got indexed by spidergay. Which says a lot about both of us.
Posted by: Simon at May 04, 2005 08:39 PM (OyeEA)
12
It does explain that certian "bond" that we share.
Posted by: Jim at May 04, 2005 09:19 PM (MDLz3)
13
There's a difference? That must be too subtle for my hetero-sports/beer/boobs-thinking straight guy mind to grasp. Don't bother trying to 'splain it to me; you'll bore me and I'm reading the sports page right now, anyway.
Harvey is definitely jealous. That's why he's sticking his tongue out.
Posted by: Victor at May 05, 2005 07:49 AM (L3qPK)
14
Ok. This is an outrage. A travesty. There is no possible WAY you're gay. I saw you wearing strappy man sandals!
FIRST of all, Harvey is mine.
SECOND, you don't have nearly enugh indignation to be gay. Do you hear the sound of my high-pitched voice right now? THIS is indignation and I've half a mind to call those defamation CLU whatevers on you. I might actually have to attend some kind of protest over this.
THIRD, that other post makes ME wish I was gay.
Posted by: Trey Givens at May 05, 2005 08:58 AM (yaMs/)
15
I'm not gay, but my blog is.
Oh, wait. Try this one:
Some of my favorite blogs are gay.
Or this one?:
I don't mind gay blogs but sometimes I feel uncomfortable around them.
Oh, the stereotypes are running rampant today!
Posted by: Jim at May 05, 2005 09:06 AM (tyQ8y)
16
I actually think my blog hanging out with your blog is good for my blog. You know, exposes it to different things, expands its horizons and increases tolerance; shows it that just because one blog is different from another doesn't mean it's not a blog anymore. We're building bridges here people, bridges.
Posted by: shank at May 05, 2005 09:47 AM (+H1yK)
17
Trey - 'fraid you'll have to arm-wrestle my wife for me.
Google images "wife arm". She's the #1 hit.
Then decide whether I'm worth it...
Posted by: Harvey at May 05, 2005 01:12 PM (tJfh1)
18
I have really skinny arms and I'm opposed to working out. Surely, there is something I have that you wife wants and is willing to negotiate about.
Harv, don't you remember that fateful night in the hospital? How could you give up so easily on our love?
Posted by: Trey Givens at May 05, 2005 01:19 PM (yaMs/)
Posted by: Jim at May 05, 2005 01:28 PM (tyQ8y)
20
See, for guys to joke about the gayness, it's considered humor and not something that other people want to watch.
If women talk about munching the pink taco, then all we get is men rushing up begging us to set up bleacher seating.
The dichotomy. It kills me.
Posted by: Helen at May 05, 2005 03:47 PM (AabhR)
Posted by: Jim at May 05, 2005 03:59 PM (tyQ8y)
22
Helen, if you're offering seats, sign me up. It's part of my research on how other gay blogs work...
Will this be an interactive demonstration? Please?
Posted by: Simon at May 05, 2005 09:04 PM (OyeEA)
23
Helen, whattaya talk?
Although I have strict rules about who I want to watch, I take my manlove very seriously. I would even say *Enthusiastically.*
Harvey would be so lucky!
Posted by: Trey Givens at May 06, 2005 08:27 AM (yaMs/)
24
Oh all right.
Bleacher seating it is.
But I am so charging admission.
Posted by: Helen at May 06, 2005 10:22 AM (AabhR)
25
This could be a hot ticket item, folks. Order early!
Posted by: Jim at May 06, 2005 10:37 AM (tyQ8y)
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May 03, 2005
What's that word?
The one for when somebody gets axed from their job because of their weblog? The name of the first person to get dumped on like that became the term for having it done to you. What's that word?
Well, whatever the hell the word is, it happened to 8 Z E R O 8. His is one of the blogs I found on that click exchange thing. What was the name of that thing? Damn, I'm bad with names today.
Anyway, he made it to the blogroll because he was funnier than me. For all of you who didn't know it, that's the only real requirement to get on my blogroll - just be more entertaining than me. Seriously, if I can entertain myself better than you can entertain me, what do I need you for? And remember, masturbation is entertainment so you have to be able to beat that. No pun intended.
Anywho...Somebody at his work ratted him out and they fired him. And that sucks big, huge amounts of vacuum.
Go visit, commiserate, spread the word, help him find a job, and click on his GoogleAds (no tipjar over there).
Posted by: Jim at
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1
Dooced. After
Dooce.
Bummer. That's bad luck. There's a guy who used to work for Waterstone's (where I used to work) who
had the same thing happen to him. Lots of bad press for the company... not much help to the chap in question, though.
Posted by: Dafyd at May 03, 2005 04:37 PM (ZZQbd)
2
Thanks for the kind words.
Posted by: 8 Z E R O 8 at May 03, 2005 04:47 PM (p6ZOT)
3
I really wonder what the grounds are for that? ZERO, did they say why your blog constituted grounds for firing? According to one of my friends who happens to be an attorney, it's apparently somewhat difficult for an employer to fire someone these days for anything less than subpar performance. I'll talk to him and see what the deal is with this kind of stuff.
Posted by: shank at May 03, 2005 04:55 PM (+H1yK)
4
Fucked up......I blogged on it,too.
Posted by: LW at May 03, 2005 05:01 PM (MDLz3)
5
Addendum -
I. Dooce=somewhat of a hottie. And a wicked smart writer. Too bad I'm in love with another woman, but I think Dooce can handle it.
II. I need to go through the old blog and maybe cull some key identifiers from the prose. Getting fired would suck b-yalls.
Posted by: shank at May 03, 2005 05:09 PM (+H1yK)
6
Yep, Dooce rawks. She still gets calls from MSM about it, too.
But that totally sucks and blows 8zero8. Totally. And I pity the fucker that ratted you out. Baaaad karma. And it will come back on him/her threefold. Trust me.
Posted by: Margi at May 03, 2005 06:26 PM (lWAiX)
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I'm such a hottie
On the ride home yesterday my eye was caught by motion in the car to the right and a little bit in front of me. The passenger of said vehicle had just done a full head turn and was looking at me. The young, female passenger. Traffic separated us before I got more than a glance.
A minute or so later the traffic flow brought me back alongside them. This time driver and passenger both gave me a look. That's young, female driver and passenger. The young, female driver smiled. I smiled back and did the "Howdy" head nod. Traffic flow separated us again.
I know what you're thinking 'cause I was thinking the exact same thing. Visible booger, right? A quick check put the lie to that assumption. Next most obvious thing was to verify that I was indeed driving in my milk white mini-van. There's always the possibility I accidentally got into a Maserati when I left work and just hadn't realized. But no, I was definitely in the mini-van. Neither was I inadvertently shirtless, topped with messed up hair, nor obviously discolored by ink or food.
Traffic brought us alongside a couple more times until we both turned off in separate directions at the same intersection. Each time the girls would look over at me and the driver would have a big smile for me. With all other options eliminated I was forced to the only logical conclusion: I'm a hottie.
(Either that or they recognized me from the infamous cow pic.)
Posted by: Jim at
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1
Dude, that happens to me all the time. I always assume they're laughing at me.
Posted by: Paul at May 03, 2005 12:55 PM (vbP6L)
2
Oh, Sweetie. That's so cute. The truth is, women just do that to fuck with men's minds. Didn't you know that?
Posted by: Helen at May 03, 2005 02:58 PM (wEbOD)
3
Plenty of p0rn0 movies start out that way. Or so Ive been told...
Posted by: Clancy at May 03, 2005 03:09 PM (JxYJc)
4
They could have been tripping too.
Posted by: shank at May 03, 2005 03:10 PM (+H1yK)
5
None of y'all are helping the old ego here.
Except maybe Clancy...
Posted by: Jim at May 03, 2005 03:13 PM (tyQ8y)
6
You are just too damn full of yourself.:-)
Posted by: LW at May 03, 2005 03:36 PM (MDLz3)
7
Maybe the booger was on your milk white van. Ever think of that?
Posted by: Pam at May 03, 2005 04:48 PM (5Z1zV)
8
Hubby said he saw a bumper sticker around town that said: "I'd Rather Be Blogging."
And we are DYING of curiosity. LOLLL
Gotta be the cow pic.
*snicker*
Posted by: Margi at May 03, 2005 06:19 PM (lWAiX)
9
Awww James....I think your cute. But then again...I may be going thru some midlife crisis. I think any man that isn't bald or obese is worth a second look. There's not much to look at these days.
I like Helens answer though. So very true.
Posted by: Tiffani at May 03, 2005 07:51 PM (cj0j8)
10
I've had that happen to me. I'm pretty sure they are either messing with my mind or making fun of me for something. Although I will play along in hopes they will flash me... it'll happen someday.
Posted by: Contagion at May 04, 2005 09:16 AM (Q5WxB)
11
OH mannn, I'm so jealous. That kind of stuff never happens to me. I mean men staring, not women.
It just goes to prove that men can drive a van and women will still think they're hot.
Women drive a van and it screams asexual Mom person.
OK, maybe not all women. Maybe just me.
Posted by: Boudicca at May 04, 2005 05:49 PM (z7nbM)
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