I’m going to do you folks a favor. I know it won’t be recognized as such, seeing as how I’m still the interloper around here. The red-headed stepchild. The poor relation. The fucking “Cousin Eddy” of National Lampoon fame.

Nonetheless, IÂ’m forging ahead because frankly, I think the shoe is on the other foot. IÂ’m quite sure you people could stand to read a great book or two that hasnÂ’t been recommended by some lard-assed, tenured dickhole.

Once a month IÂ’ll recommend a book or two that may dramatically change your life. Or not.

Post Office, by Charles Bukowski.

This book actually did change my life. After years of reading classic literature (and loving it) I stumbled upon this book and read it in a single afternoon. It was like leaving a church picnic to go get drunk and fuck. The raw characters, simple sentence construction and brutal honesty reach out and slap your face.

ItÂ’s the largely autobiographical story of Bukowski himself (best known as the real-life model for Barfly) under the guise of Henry Chinaski, a neÂ’er do well who takes a temporary job as a mail carrier over the holidays. ItÂ’s a walking route filled with untold pitfalls like steep hills, mean dogs and people who belong in the madhouse. Things progress at a rapid pace from there. This book pretty much launched BukowskiÂ’s career.

This is a quick read and is absolutely hilarious.

Journey to the End of the Night, by Louis-Ferdinand Celine.

This book is somewhat harder to describe. Just as funny (almost) as Post Office, but there are some fairly dark spots.

From the editorial review:

When it was published in 1932, this then-shocking and revolutionary first fiction redefined the art of the novel with its black humor, its nihilism, and its irreverent, explosive writing style, and made Louis-Ferdinand Celine one of France's--and literature's--most important 20th-Century writers. The picaresque adventures of Bardamu, the sarcastic and brilliant antihero of Journey to the End of the Night move from the battlefields of World War I (complete with buffoonish officers and cowardly soldiers), to French West Africa, the United States, and back to France in a style of prose that's lyrical, hallucinatory, and hilariously scathing toward nearly everybody and everything. Yet, beneath it all one can detect a gentle core of idealism.

IÂ’ve been recommending these books for years and I canÂ’t tell you how many people of thanked me profusely. Trust your Cousin Eddy. I know youÂ’re reading this.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 09:44 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Did you know that Martin Luther King Jr. was heavily invested in making New Orleans a majority black city? Or that his central focus was hurricane recovery? And I bet that you didn't know how he lobbied tirelessly for reparations.

I have to confess that I missed all of that in my studies of the man. I could have sworn that he was all about equality but I guess I'm wrong. I mean it's like this - either I'm wrong or some of the most prominent black leaders of our time are sticking their feet up MLK's ass to promote their own causes on the very day we've set aside to remember him and his works and they wouldn't do that.

Would they?

Posted by: Jim at 08:29 AM | Comments (18) | Add Comment
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An old man sits at a large oak desk. A roaring fire blazes away, drying his greatcoat which hangs nearby. His mind is focused on a portrait hanging over the fireplace. He glances around the room, his eyes falling on other portraits that hang against the dark wood paneling. He takes a sip of brandy and his thoughts return to his letter.

Working by candle light he dips his quill and in magnificent script signs his name on the bottom of the thick heavy parchment. After blotting his work, he folds the letter, places it in a large envelope and drips the aromatic wax across the fold. Finding his large seal, he firmly stamps his crest into the wax. Knowing that the letter may take months to arrive at its destination, he sighs and rings for his valet to hasten it to post.

###

And here I sit with a little plastic machine, almost instantly receiving hate mail from cowardly little pricks who canÂ’t spell.

The contrast is depressing.

###

The above post was written a few years ago on my first blog. In fact, it was one of the first things IÂ’d ever posted. It was then and continues to be a pretty accurate portrayal of my feelings. I found this yesterday whilst going over some of my stuff and decided to write a short story around it. IÂ’m giving myself until Friday, so long as things donÂ’t get too crazy.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 11:08 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Option B is the overwhelming favorite with ~6 votes. Write in candidate E had ~2 votes and loathsome option D finished third with a single vote.

Victor and Phin will spend the year in an unholy embrace at second place on the 2005 winner's board.

Speach! Speach!

Posted by: Jim at 06:03 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Lovely Wife: You're being so good today! What's up with that?

Bacon: My brain isn't working right.

Posted by: Jim at 05:53 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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Something!

* For Tiffani. Let it not be said that I am anything but accomodating.

Posted by: Jim at 11:03 AM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
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(Updated below the fold)

11 people guessed the artist.

(Click here to see it in all its majesty.)

Only Pixy Misa got it right. That's right folks, this spectacular landscape was drawn by yours truly. The exceptionally sad part is that I wasn't attempting to draw like a kid. That's about the best artwork you should ever safely expect from me. My Mom is an artist and Bacon is showing definite signs of the same but this trait has definitely skipped a generation.

Pixy wins the whole ball of wax and takes a commanding lead in the early Points season. more...

Posted by: Jim at 07:26 PM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
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1 What the....????

Posted by: Tiffani at January 10, 2006 11:01 AM (KE4Gu)

2 Don't hate the playa, hate the game.

Posted by: Jim at January 10, 2006 11:18 AM (tyQ8y)

3 Well, I want to put it on the refrigerator!

Posted by: Margi at January 10, 2006 11:36 AM (nwEQH)

4 Hey now, I did say it looked like an older child's handiwork! I should get SOME credit!

Posted by: diamond dave at January 10, 2006 04:53 PM (0gB9X)

5 You're right Dave. I'll award you twice the points of everybody else who got it wrong. Mwah hah hah hah!!

Posted by: Jim at January 10, 2006 05:08 PM (tyQ8y)

6 LOL, I wouldn't even guess... But now that I look at i, it is such a HAPPY picture

Posted by: Elizabeth at January 11, 2006 03:21 PM (uqPyj)

7 Okay, I wouldn't be able to draw to that level. The doggie is cute. And in case it isn't a doggie the bluish creature with the bird on its back. Why is the dog being chased by a wolf and I didn't know snails came that big.

Posted by: Rachel Ann at January 11, 2006 04:33 PM (fIRjZ)

8 The blue thing is a dog. The brown thing half behind the bushes is a wily fox. Can't you see how the wily just drips off of him?

Posted by: Jim at January 11, 2006 04:54 PM (oqu5j)

9 That's pretty shitty, Jim.

Posted by: Victor at January 12, 2006 08:40 AM (L3qPK)

10 Shitty "ha ha" or shitty "peculiar"?

Posted by: Jim at January 12, 2006 08:45 AM (tyQ8y)

11 Both! Plus it's a comment on your artistic skills.

Posted by: Victor at January 12, 2006 02:39 PM (L3qPK)

12 Can you people please post something? Jesh. I'm going through withdrawl. Come on already!

Posted by: Tiffani at January 13, 2006 10:52 AM (KE4Gu)

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I've put back the submit button on the individual archive pages. You'll no longer have to preview a comment before submitting.

You may all thank the great and powerful Pixy Misa, whose recent anti-spam activities have made this possible. Also, the automatic comment closer for old posts helped a lot.

Posted by: Jim at 07:24 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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So, my car has been in the shop for the past four or five weeks and I've been taking rides from friends and the like. I'm standing outside my place of business today, waiting for my ride, and a rather cracked-out looking woman approaches me. Her hair was disheveled, she looked like she hadn't slept in a week or so, and she had spittle in the corners of her mouth. As I took in this old bat's appearance, I realized she was looking at me with equal interest. As she got closer, I noticed a faint odor, then she opened her mouth, and I was assaulted by some of the worst breath I've ever encountered.
"You a Mormon?"
Now, I almost threw away a golden opportunity. "No, I'm a business manager." But I cut that one off before it leapt from my vocal chrods. Instead, I replied "Why yes ma'am. Are you looking for the truth about Jesus' life in America?" Crazy people make the best marks too, their creativity is boundless. I honestly think they enjoy it.
"But don't you guys all believe in having six wives and shit?"
"No, no, no. Of course not! What we do believe, is that God wants us all to be happy." We sit down on the bench nearby. "We're his children, and he wants us to do what makes us happy. If having more than one wife does that for you, then have more than one wife. We just think people should do whatever they want, as long as it makes them happy and causes no pain."
"Shit. What if the women don't want to share you?"
"Well, if they're women of God and good Saints, then they'll accept the offer knowing it's what God intends."
"So what if I want to do drugs, and murder, and all kinds of crazy stuff?"
"Well, if it makes you happy, and doesn't make unwilling participants out of anyone, then it's blessed with God's holy grace and saving love." Thank God, the fiancee showed up. "I've got to go now, peace be with you!"
"But how do I join?"
"Look us up in the phone book, I'm all out of pamphlets. The Church of Latter Day Saints!"

I can see it now. That lady's gonna roll up to her local Mormon organization with her crack pipe in hand and an economy pack of French ticklers. "So when do we start the healing?" more...

Posted by: shank at 08:52 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Annoying someone via the Internet is now a federal crime

It's no joke. Last Thursday, President Bush signed into law a prohibition on posting annoying Web messages or sending annoying e-mail messages without disclosing your true identity.

Â…This ridiculous prohibition, which would likely imperil much of Usenet, is buried in the so-called Violence Against Women and Department of Justice Reauthorization Act. Criminal penalties include stiff fines and two years in prison. more...

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 03:39 PM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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I rarely link.

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A problem has been pointed out in the season finale post. Victor is in there twice. Once is way up at the top and the other is way down there at the bottom. If the two scores are combined it brings Victor up from 4th place into a tie for second place. What's up with this? Several theories abound:

1. The Snooze Points™ database was hopelessly corrupted during a system crash caused by the world renown chess battle between the Munuviana servers and Big Blue.


2. Commies, Islamic fundamentalists and/or PETA hacked the list and added another entry for Victor near the bottom (where it wouldn't be noticed for several days after posting) to sow discord in the hopes they can use this confusion to their unholy advantage.


3. At some time during the year Jim screwed up the list. When he put in a new score for Victor he failed to combine it with Victor's existing points, creating instead a second entry.


4. At some time during the year Jim screwed up the list. When he put in a new score for Victor he added the new tally but failed to remove the original score, thereby creating instead a second entry.

An in depth investigation shows that the world renown chess battle between the Munuviana servers and Big Blue never happened. Big Blue chickened out. Additionally it was found that neither commies, Islamic fundamentalists nor PETA have the mad hak3r skillz required to pierce Snoozecurity. We are left with only two viable theories and no way to determine which one is correct. Victor should be in either 2nd place or 4th place for the 2005 season and we have no deductive method of figuring out which.

So we'll vote on it! Yeah, voting. Nothing pisses off Commies, Islamic fundamentalists and PETArists like good old fashioned democracy. Cast your vote for one of the following:

A) Victor ties for 2nd place. Phin is cast off the legacy board among jeers and cheers. Phin vows revenge upon all things Pointy in general and Victor in particular.

B) Victor ties for 2nd place. Phin stays on the legacy board which is increased to four spots this year in a sop to Phin.

C) Victor stays in 4th place. Victor vows revenge upon all things Pointy in general and every person who voted for this option in particular.

D) Victor stays in 4th place. Victor joins the legacy board which is increased to four spots this year in a sop to Victor.

Lacking an armed secret police force to drag citizens to the polls we'll bribe folks instead. One point for each civic minded voter. Chicago residents, per tradition, may vote multiple times*.

* Though only one will count. Hah!

Posted by: Jim at 05:59 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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Well, he would be if he was alive. Just look at the quality of this piece of juvenile art!

(Click here to see it in all its majesty.)

The part that looks like the tree trunk is exploding is water damage. Can you guess which Peacock household prodigy is the artist of this original marker masterpiece?

We'll do some points here...the point pool will be equal to the total number of players. The points in the pool will be split amongst the players who get the answer right.

Results

Posted by: Jim at 07:43 PM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
Post contains 95 words, total size 1 kb.

1 Biscuit. Wait, that's not one of the kids. Umm, Burger?

Posted by: Jennifer at January 07, 2006 10:40 PM (+dm4G)

2 Burger. And "majesty" has a "j".

Posted by: Dafyd at January 08, 2006 06:55 AM (+YcSo)

3 You.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at January 08, 2006 06:59 AM (7X4Bl)

4 er, black pudding? (what? there's only so many meat products begining in b you know)

Posted by: Rob at January 08, 2006 07:36 AM (A8qFR)

5 My spellchecker has an inaccuracy. It says that "magesty" is just fine with it, thank you very much. And this isn't a custom word entered, either. It's original screwitude! Oh, ieSpell. How could you do this to me?

Posted by: Jim at January 08, 2006 11:49 AM (oqu5j)

6 Black pudding is meat? I'm not going to ask.

Posted by: Jim at January 08, 2006 11:49 AM (oqu5j)

7 My guess: Bacon. Black pudding / Blood pudding / Blood Sausage are all the same arent' they? Who about Bratwurst for the next junior Peacock?

Posted by: phin at January 08, 2006 04:00 PM (DGPlf)

8 I'll cast my vote for Bear. Looks like an older child's handiwork.

Posted by: diamond dave at January 08, 2006 10:12 PM (Rvkuu)

9 Bacon! Bacon! Bacon!

Posted by: Margi at January 09, 2006 12:47 AM (nwEQH)

10 Since I was recently the recipient of several pieces of Bacon/Burger/Bear artwork, I'm going to have to say that looks like Bear-style art.

Posted by: Dopple-G at January 09, 2006 08:03 AM (IOwam)

11 Water damage? From a toilet he put a cup in, no doubt. Bacon.

Posted by: Victor at January 09, 2006 09:30 AM (L3qPK)

12 I'm going to go with Bear. So cute. Love the snail.

Posted by: Tiffani at January 09, 2006 09:43 AM (KE4Gu)

13 Hmmm... I'm guessing Bacon

Posted by: Oorgo at January 09, 2006 07:24 PM (lM0qs)

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Hey, so Dave wants me to put up a "sham or share". Here we go:

My Mom, after having one lobe of her liver flooded with what basically amounts to 10w30 and Drano; gets the orders from her doctor to under go twenty five days of radiation therapy. I'll spare you the details, but at least her hair won't fall out. 'Course, she'll spew like an active volcano, her skin will fall off, and her toes will curl up and grow out of her wrists from which point they will try to claw out her eyeballs; but at least the process will clear up her bile ducts. YAY! The best part is that when that's all through, she gets to have the other lobe of her liver drowned in Comet and Clorox. Then we get to find out how the treatments working.

spoiler below: more...

Posted by: shank at 03:58 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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Bacon also has a pig. It's name is Blanket (Named as such because it was under a blanket when I asked Bacon what its name was. At least it's more creative than "Piggy".) and it is a plush piggy bank. It did some initial service as an actual piggy bank but was somehow defective. Any money we put in there would seep out (through osmosis we think as Bacon swore he never took a coin out of it) and get lost so we eventually stopped putting money into it. Blanket serves as one of Bacon's favored stuffed animals, along with a kennel's worth of little bean bag puppies.

Bacon: I've got a new puppy!!

Lovely Wife: You do? Where did it come from?

Bacon: It's Blanket's baby. It was in her tummy and then it was born.

Me: Your pig had puppies out of wedlock?

Bacon: Just one.

Me: Alrighty then.

So we've got one son incestuously wed to his baby sister pig and another fathering bastard pig dogs. I'm just thankful we never got a pig for Bear. They're a very bad influence.

Posted by: Jim at 06:03 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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It's been a long, productive, occassionally frightening year. Season leader dafyd was upset late in the game by a very determined Tiffani. One must wonder how the final tally might have been different if he were properly engaged in the last quote contest instead of doing such pedantic things as working. Priorities, Dafyd! Priorities!

It was a tight race for the runner up spots as well. phin narrowly edged out Victor for the #3 spot thanks to being one of only three people to get the final contest of the season (Paul's Sham/Share) correct. It just goes to show that goldfish are better pets than rats, though only marginally.

The three top finishers get pride of place on the leader board for the entirety of the 2006 season. First prize winner Tiffani gets a special mystery gift of humorous nature and dubious value.

Here are the final results of 2005:

(45) Tiffani
(42) dafyd
(40) phin
(39) Victor
(2 diamond dave
(23) Clancy
(19) Holly
(17) Rob
(16) Paul, shank
(15) Tommy
(12) Kenny, Helen, vw bug, Simon
(11) Jen
(10) Spirit Fingers, Frick, Denise, Jeff
(9) LeeAnn, pylorns, The Lovely Brat Wife
(7) Rob P, Garret, Boudicca
(6) Kathleen, MojoMark, Random Penseur
(5) Craig, Kev, DeAnna, Machelle, Mo Mo, Oorgo, Margi
(4) Jeremy, Harvey, Contagion, Stephen
(3) Matt, Victor, Timmer, Susie, Trey
(2) Mike the Marine, Ryan, Squire Trelane, Elyse, 8ZERO8, Wendy, Me
(1) Jeremy, Ilyka, knpepper, Daniel, Rudy, el Robbo, Tony, Tim Adamec, Rachel Ann

Posted by: Jim at 11:37 AM | Comments (19) | Add Comment
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1 WHy the fuck an I not onthere???????????????

Posted by: The Brat at January 05, 2006 11:59 AM (oqu5j)

2 Oh wait...never mind....missed "The Brat" was looking for LW....:-P

Posted by: The Brat at January 05, 2006 12:01 PM (oqu5j)

3 I could change it to Lovely Brat Wife. ;-)

Posted by: Jim at January 05, 2006 12:14 PM (tyQ8y)

4 There. All set now.

Posted by: Jim at January 05, 2006 12:18 PM (tyQ8y)

5 Two years on the Season Winners board. I either have no life or I am THAT good!

Posted by: Tiffani at January 05, 2006 12:36 PM (KE4Gu)

6 Why can't it be both?

Posted by: Jim at January 05, 2006 12:54 PM (tyQ8y)

7 Snoozepoints is becoming a cultural microcosm. Jim, you should really entertain the idea of a Snoozepoints Tournament of Champions or something. Get the top three players from each of the past few years (or as many as you can) for a week-long Dork-a-Thon.

Posted by: shank at January 05, 2006 01:15 PM (+H1yK)

8 You want me to have a dork-a-thon with Tiffani? My Lovely Brat Wife would kill me.

Posted by: Jim at January 05, 2006 01:33 PM (tyQ8y)

9 Shank honey, are you calling me a dork?

Posted by: Tiffani at January 05, 2006 02:38 PM (KE4Gu)

10 I'm calling a lot of people dorks. But hey, at least you're not the one who came up with Reverse Snooze Points.

Posted by: shank at January 05, 2006 02:47 PM (+H1yK)

11 Gah. I'm never working again. Ever.

Posted by: Dafyd at January 05, 2006 06:34 PM (+YcSo)

12 Four Points? Four Lousy Points? How on earth did I get four points?

Posted by: Stephen Macklin at January 05, 2006 08:25 PM (DdRjH)

13 I suck. Oh well...

Posted by: Wendy at January 06, 2006 12:10 AM (10FwA)

14 Woo Hoo, i made the top te... Fuck! Steenking ties. :-D I'll get there one of these days, ~Top o' the world, ma, they said i'd never make it, but i'm here!! -- BOOM!~ :-D

Posted by: tommy at January 06, 2006 01:11 AM (ZDj4b)

15 I AM THE GREATEST! Okay, #3, but it's close. Congratulations, Tiffani.

Posted by: phin at January 06, 2006 09:20 AM (Xvpen)

16 Actually, I am tied for second with Dafyd. Notice I am in fourth place with 39 points AND I'm also listed third from the bottom in a massive five-way with Susie, Trey, and two other dudes. Obviously, Jim forgot to add three points to my total; ergo 39+3=42. Keep revising, Jim.

Posted by: Victor at January 06, 2006 09:42 AM (L3qPK)

17 RECOUNT!! Jim's trying to steal the election from Victor! Probably so he can place the winning trophy in someone's hands whom he can trust with advancing his neocon agenda of world domination. CONSPIRACY!! Why do you hate freedom Jim? Terrorist! Nazi! Fascist pig! Puppy-kicking, jack-booted, menace!!

Posted by: shank at January 06, 2006 09:51 AM (+H1yK)

18 Shank You forgot cow teet sucker. I better shut up before he takes my points way. oh and thanks Phin

Posted by: Tiffani at January 06, 2006 12:04 PM (KE4Gu)

19 Well, I came close to the coveted number 1 spot with such Snooze Button Celebrities as Jeremy and Ilyka, but it's a new year. Watch out, y'all! I'm a contender!

Posted by: Trey Givens at January 08, 2006 10:29 PM (xYfsS)

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IÂ’m shocked at the results of this episode.

43% of you got the right answer. The Haircut, New YearÂ’s Eve & John Madden is true.

Look at the clues:

ItÂ’s completely disjointed. When I make stuff up it generally has a theme. It starts with the bad haircut. There was a lot of detail about the cosmo license. Too much detail to shrug off.

The rest of it? Well, there was a good bit left out for the sake of brevity that might have made it easier. My friend was tipping the drink waiter even more than I was, so the guy was really scrambling to do anything he could for us. He was literally knocking people around when he was running towards our table a few times.

Also, we were hammered. And when I know I’m in for the long haul I plant a lot of little seeds that I hope to see mature before I make my drunken exit. I might also mention that “my friend” used to write at the blog Four Honkies and is a formidable competitor when inciting outrageous behavior in public. Once the ball’s been hit over the net, I can’t help myself. I have to return it.

The John Madden thing? I have a pretty good pic of the guy.

Oorgo, IÂ’m disappointed. You should have known better.

One point each:
Phin
Tiffani
Dafyd

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 08:39 AM | Comments (15) | Add Comment
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Burger has a piggy. He cherishes Piggy (Okay, not the most creative name. Give him a break, he wasn't even a year old when he named it.) and it alternately holds roles as little sister or baby. He's had it since he was a wee tot. Once it was the cutest, softest stuffed animal in the world. He loves it fiercely though and the pig has suffered over the years. Like the Velveteen Rabbit its coat is worn smooth. It has had many surgeries, once it was even brought to the School of Veterinary Science at UGA for repairs. Its coat became too thin for sutures to hold so it has many skin grafts (duct tape) as well. It is, in a word, "used".

The scene: We are driving in the van on the way to the farmer's market. Burger brought Piggy along for the ride.

Burger: I married Piggy yesterday.

Lovely Wife: You married Piggy?

Burger: Yup. Yesterday.

Me: Eww. Isn't that like ... incest?

Burger: Nope. She was the princess. I was the king.

I guess it's okay then. Royalty does as royalty does and they've been marrying cousins or worse for generations. The Pharoahs married their sisters after all and, with all of those duct tape repairs, Piggy does somewhat resemble a mummy.

Posted by: Jim at 06:02 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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I rarely comment on the news because too many people do it better than me, but these really got under my skin.

U.N. Temporarily Halts Caviar Exports

GENEVA - A U.N. panel ordered a temporary halt to caviar exports by the world's major producers Tuesday, buying time for experts to find ways to reverse dwindling populations of threatened sturgeon — whose eggs provide the culinary delicacy.

This the U.N. acts on?

Iran is now refining their own yellowcake, in North Korea thereÂ’s a nutcase with at least three mid-range nukes and a haircut worse than mine, and in Africa genocide has become the new Oktoberfest. And these assholes are fucking around with beluga? What a goddamned embarrassment.

On the lighter side:

Angry passengers sue after plane delay

BERLIN (Reuters) - Six German airline passengers who said they were being held against their will on an aircraft stuck on the runway for hours during a snowstorm have filed "false imprisonment" charges, German police said Saturday.

Passengers boarded the plane at Berlin's Tegel airport at 7 a.m. Thursday, but snow and ice delayed their takeoff. At 11:30 a.m. a man named Ingo Q. called a police emergency hotline on his cell phone and said he felt as if he was being "held hostage," the tabloid Bild reported Saturday.

These people sat on the runway for seven fucking hours. I’ve been in situations similar to this and let me tell you—you are being held hostage. It’s not like flights to London are scarce. Six people sued for false imprisonment and I hope to hell they win.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 08:03 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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When's the last time you heard a blond joke? More importantly, when's the last time you heard a hillarious blond joke?

Posted by: Jim at 04:48 PM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
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