Jen is closing in on her quarter millionth visit. That's almost as many site hits as donuts on Michael Moore's brunch buffet!

Jen's also giving away a bucket to visitor number quarter millionny. Not just any bucket, mind you. Jen's bucket is full of buckety goodness.

She'll be hitting the magic number today. Who will win the goody bucket? Could it be you?

Posted by: Jim at 12:24 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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IÂ’m starting to get a lot of emails about Christmas and nary a one has been positive. Christmas stress can be high level.

Trying to live up to past holidays. The huge expense and time commitments. Facing the holidays alone, losing relatives, owning up to failed relationshipsÂ…it all adds up.

Most of my Christmases have been very good. Some were fantastic. Two of them were train wrecks beyond comprehension.
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Posted by: Pixy Misa at 12:16 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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Some of you may remember this post.

And when I say ‘some of you’ I am referring to the point whores. The vigilant point whores. Here’s how it is:
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Posted by: Pixy Misa at 09:40 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Write a caption for the picture. Win fabulous prizes!*

The contest will be open until it closes, probably some time on Friday.

(Click to enlarge)

* Best caption gets 5 points with another handful thrown around to the rest of the best.

Posted by: Jim at 08:44 AM | Comments (17) | Add Comment
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I've been pretty quiet lately so I figured I'd pipe up and let y'all know what's current.

Monday was our seventh wedding anniversary. I took Lovely Wife to the newly opened Georgia Aquarium. Highlights included skipping the 2 hour wait for security by taking advantage of some severely harried guards, smuggling in contraband and drinking beer with lunch. No, those last two aren't related - they sell beer at the aquarium café. Unfortunately they don't sell fish there. They could make a killing if they sold some fish fry. After looking at fish for a couple of hours I was dying to eat one.

Dinner didn't work out as planned. We were out of the aquarium earlier than we expected so we went Christmas shopping. Our travels ended up putting us quite a distance from our target restaurant when the hunger finally hit. We opted for a shorter journey to a different restaurant that we'd been meaning to try. We hunted for it, finally surrendered and called 411 to find it, arrived and found it closed. Closed as in "out of business" closed. That was a bummer. We ended up at our family favorite restaurant.

I'm currently reading A Feast for Crows, a Christmas present from Helen. Helen continues to kick ass in a seriously hardcore way. Thanks, Helen! :-)

My desktop:

I continue to despise taking a crap at work. My bowels tell me that I'll be doing so a bit later this morning. Feh.

The boys visited the dentist. Bear has an extra set of teeth up top that'll need to be removed. He also had two adult teeth coming in but trapped behind a couple of baby teeth that refused to relinquish occupancy. Tooth extraction was scheduled. Over the weekend I offered him $5 if could remove one (it was wiggly) before the big day. He took the challenge, earned himself $5 and saved us $80. The other tooth turned wiggly too so we cancelled the extraction and will let nature take it's course.

Work continues to be demanding. I'm taking over four projects from a coworker who's a bit overloaded. Oddly enough, two of them are ones she took over from me several months ago when my mega project became too demanding.

After Friday I'm off for 10 days in a row. Ten days in a row? Damn, I haven't seen that since high school. To be specific, ten days off and then having a job at the end of it hasn't been seen. Ten days off due to job loss has happened a couple of times.

Dopple-G and his fiance came over last night bearing gifts. The boys were thrilled with their presents and spent the better part of an hour finding plastic toys and bottle caps to wrap up in order to return the favor.

That's about it for the moment. More later. But probably not today.

Posted by: Jim at 08:31 AM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
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My buddy Dave has a mother who was once a nun. He comes up to me in the bar the other night, and we start telling each other jokes. You know, you tell one; then the other says "Nonono, I got one for ya." And so on until Dave says, "Okay skippy. I got one for ya. How do you get a nun pregnant?"
I look at Dave. "I honestly don't know dude."
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Posted by: shank at 05:18 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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1 beccause fuck you, that's why. yOu fuckerr, i fucking hat youl. ah fuck; arfrom.

Posted by: shank at December 20, 2005 01:08 AM (jfEhX)

2 There's another answer to that question. Q. "How do you get a nun pregnant?" A. "Dress her up like an alter boy" Dohhhh

Posted by: Tiffani at December 20, 2005 08:51 AM (KE4Gu)

3 EEEEEEEEwwwwwwwwwww - Tiffani - that was wrong... funny, but still wrong...

Posted by: Wendy at December 21, 2005 07:32 PM (10FwA)

4 Shank - you might want to cut back on the booze a bit... I mean, I know where you are coming from but it's obvious by your post that you had a little too much...

Posted by: Wendy at December 21, 2005 07:33 PM (10FwA)

5 Wendy, thanks for your advice and assessment. Now get off my dick.

Posted by: shank at December 22, 2005 12:04 PM (+H1yK)

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Just once I’d love to hear the chairman say, “And tonight’s secret ingredient is…salt!”

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 11:54 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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Remember this SnoozePoints™ post from back in June? It's the one where y'all told me what presents you'd like if I won the lottery. I've kept it open pending my buying an actual lottery ticket. I've come to the conclusion that if I haven't purchased a lottery ticket in five and a half months it is pretty unlikely that I'll buy one in the next two weeks. Therefore I say screw the lottery and award the points!

There are seven winners in this contest: two each in three categories (3 points for winner, 1 for the also ran runner up) and the overall best (6 points). Without further ado, here they are:

Category: Real Presents
Winner, RP with a puppy.
Runner up, Rachel Ann with books. Lots of books.

Category: Humorous Gifts
Winner, Phin with porn sheep, evil clown and casual wear.
Runner up, Jeff with a baby buffalo for companionship and sustenance.

Category: Alcohol Related
Winner, Margi with tickets to Atlanta and beer.
Runner up, Simon with beer company stock.

The overall, number one winner
This was a runaway (bouncing) victory. Tiffani, with a boob job.

Congratulations all! With the SnoozePoints™ season coming to a close we've got quite a bit of movement on the back stretch. I'm considering accepting bribes.

Posted by: Jim at 03:01 PM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
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The scene: Post dinner, pre-bedtime. Some time during the day the boys had caught an episode of Dora the Explorer

Bear: Daddy! Listen to this! Uno, dos, tres, quatro, cinco. That's how to count to five in Spanish.

Me: Wow. Pretty good, Bear. Can you go higher?

Bear: Yeah, but I forgot. Can you go higher?

Me: I think so... Six, siete, ocho, nueve, diez. I'm much better in French.

Bear: Cool! Tell me in French!

Me: Un, dous, trois, quatre, senq, six, septe, huit, neuf, dix.

Bear: Wow. Can you speak in any other languages?

Me: Just cuss words mostly, but I'm fluent in Canadian*.

Bear: Can you teach me how to speak Canadian?

Me: No problem. Just say whatever you want in English but pronounce it like a question and add an "eh" at the end. Like this: It's getting close to bed time, eh?

Bear: Can I watch TV in bed, eh?

Me: Not quite. They don't use questions since every sentence is a question anyway. Rephrase that question as a statement but state it like a question.

Bear: I'll watch some TV in bed, eh?

Me: Much better! And the answer is no.

Bear: That really sucks, eh?

Me: You're a natural! Now take off hoser, eh?

* I joke about Canada because it's...Canada. Serious though, I love Canada. It's one of my favorite states.

Posted by: Jim at 12:02 PM | Comments (15) | Add Comment
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Last night I found this true story about the worst Christmas party I ever attended. In the end I triumphed. Sort of. It was dated December 2003 and IÂ’ve no idea if I ever posted it or not. Reflecting back on those days, a case could certainly be made that I was an asshole. more...

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 09:30 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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”White House Hosts American Proctology Association”

But youÂ’ll never beat mine.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 04:05 PM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
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ThereÂ’s nothing I enjoy more than shit like this.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 12:53 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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With all the brouhaha about Christmas displays this year, here is a change in pace:

Murderous Santa display outside Manhattan mansion draws stares

Jason, Michael, and Freddy meet Santa, anyone?

Posted by: Diamond Dave at 04:53 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Recognize this guy? more...

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 12:22 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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California is looking to take the cigarette tax crown from Rhode Island. Rhode Island, at $2.46, currently has the highest per pack tax in the nation. A ballot measure in the land of nuts and money would raise California's per pack tax to $3.47.

Funds raised would be earmarked for health initiatives:

"It distributes the funds in a well-thought-out and comprehensive array of health programs that will make a frontal assault on the major diseases and causes of death in California, maintain and expand access to health care, and improve the health of all Californians," said Jim Knox, vice president of the American Cancer Society, one of the measure's sponsors.

Well hot damn, what a great idea. Cigarettes are bad for you, right? So the gub'mint puts an onerous tax on them and applies these gains to addressing health problems. As a side benefit they drive down the sales of the offending product and hopefully, in time, drive the offending companies out of business. Sweet. more...

Posted by: Jim at 08:24 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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Posted by: shank at 01:40 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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By request.

I can't lie around in silk boxers every day.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 07:43 PM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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1 Alrighty then, since were fully immersed in your embarrasing house attire, I expect the story of how a pair of such hideous pantaloons came into your possession. Yes, pantaloons. If any article of clothing ever deserved a pansy name like pantaloons, it would be those things.

Posted by: shank at December 13, 2005 07:46 PM (jfEhX)

2 I don't actually sleep in them.

Posted by: Paul at December 13, 2005 07:51 PM (fz+XU)

3 A while back I had my appendix out. As I was recovering I was taking a shitload of prescription pills for the pain. Now fast forward a year. One day I’m looking in my closet for a pair sweats and I see these things lying there on a shelf. I had never seen them before in my life. Naturally, I grab them, go find the old lady and give them to her. “Are these yours?” “No, they’re yours.” “Where the hell did they come from?” “You don’t remember?” “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” “When you were in the hospital your mother flew down to see you.” “I remember that.” “She gave these to you.” “I have no memory of that.” “Well, you must have been flying pretty high because you wore them every day for a week.” She swears it’s true, but I have no memory of getting or wearing these hideous things. Now they're my house pants. And not for nothing, but I look pretty fucking good in them.

Posted by: Paul at December 13, 2005 08:03 PM (fz+XU)

4 Now that's sad. If they were Spidey, or Batman, they'd be okay. But Snoopy? Grow a pair, man! LOL

Posted by: jenE at December 13, 2005 08:08 PM (K0Tmz)

5 Ummm Paul? If you wear those outside to get a bottle. I"LL do what ever you want. That's priceless. Or tasteless take your pick.

Posted by: Tiffani at December 14, 2005 09:04 AM (KE4Gu)

6 Back off Tiffani. I've got it taken care of. Thanks anyway.

Posted by: Quality Lady at December 14, 2005 10:29 AM (jmktO)

7 Sorry...my bad.

Posted by: Tiffani at December 14, 2005 12:00 PM (KE4Gu)

8 Thank you for honoring my request. You are the best - now I can really laugh my ass off at the fact that you didn't take your wife up on that sweet deal... dang! You are a wimp. (Said in only the nicest way, of course) See, though you generally understood the context, you may not have understood that she was serious... but you know her better than I do. Did you try anything when you got home??

Posted by: Wendy at December 14, 2005 12:20 PM (8RKIo)

9 I am officially turned on.

Posted by: DeAnna at December 14, 2005 12:57 PM (IdVP4)

10 I'm not.

Posted by: Victor at December 14, 2005 02:48 PM (L3qPK)

11 What has become of our Paul? First you ask for a new BMW then this? My husband came home with a new SUV one day and I didn't even blink. I'm sure you do look all hot in them but for God's sake man, go to Old Navy and get some manly jammy pants for 14.99. If you are still wanting to live on the edge, there are some red ones with gingerbread men on them.

Posted by: Jackie at December 14, 2005 08:40 PM (iErNK)

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Early yesterday evening I realized I was completely out of scotch. My wife was out Christmas shopping so I called her to ask if she would be kind enough to make a stop on the way home. She didnÂ’t answer her cell phone. Since I was already undressed I was dreading the thought of having to go out and procure my own liquor.

At 6:30 PM she walked through the door, arms full of purchases. And I mean loaded down with bags full of stuff. I had two important questions to ask:

1. Will you please go buy me some scotch?
2. What the hell are you using for money?

I didnÂ’t want to know the answer to number two so I asked about the scotch.

“I’ve just completed the Christmas shopping. It’s done. Finished. Without you going anywhere, do anything or even offering suggestions. Tonight completes a week long endeavor and I’m not going back out. Go get the rest of the shit from the car.”

I couldnÂ’t really argue. I contributed nothing this year except the cash and I expect that ran out earlier in the week.

Then she added, “I’ll make you a deal.”

“What kind of deal?”

She pointed at me. “If you go to the liquor store dressed like that, I’ll do anything you want.”

I looked down at myself. I was wearing Snoopy pajama bottoms. Goofy looking, sky blue, ankle length pajama bottoms. Snoopy was printed all over them, wearing a nightcap and carrying a candle. I hate peanuts and I hate SnoopyÂ…the origin of the things are another story.

To compliment the bottoms, I was wearing a wife beater and a pair of sad old slippers. IÂ’m a pretty big guy (not fat) and I looked like a real asshole.

“What do you mean you’ll do anything I want?”

“Whatever weird, perverted, sexual thing that you’ve ever wanted but were afraid to ask for, I’ll do it. All you need to do is go to the liquor store dressed like that. Exactly like that. You can’t take the slippers off.”

I walked into the bedroom and put on some jeans. There was no way I was going out looking like that. Not to the liquor store I go to. I guess that makes me a wimp. ThatÂ’s what I felt like. But you know, I really couldnÂ’t think of anything that perverted we hadnÂ’t already done. In hindsight, what I should have done was asked her to throw something out there on the table. I can't believe I let that get by me. Christ, IÂ’m slipping.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 09:40 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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At work, we have an administrative resident. It's basically a position for folks who've just completed gradschool; they work closely with senior leadership on various projects. Similar to an internship, but it lasts for a year and it pays.

So anyways, the resident and I work close, and she kind of identifies with me since we're the same age and all that. She asks me for advice sometimes, since I'm a little more familiar with the unspoken mores of the organization. Today, she came to me complaining about this specific AA who's notorious for trying to throw people under the bus. She's always handing off challenging work to others, playing stupid, and yet somehow manages to enjoy decent job security. I hate this bitch, because she's tried to dump on me several times right in front of her direct report, one of the VP's.

So the resident's like "You're never gonna believe what happened today."
"Shoot."
"The bus driver is making me take minutes at the senior leadership meeting."
"She's not the bus driver, she's the person throwing you in front of the bus. And she shouldn't be making you do a goddamn thing, since she's not superior to you."
"Whatever. She said 'The residents used to do this, but I've been doing it for the past few years. I don't know why, but I'm giving it to you.'"
"Horseshit. The reason the residents quit doing it was probably because it was a waste of their fucking time as future CEO's and shit to take minutes."
"I know."
"So what the fuck does that bitch do for a living now? Answer the phone for 40k/year and full benefits?"
"I know."
"So did you tell her to fuck off?"
"No! Dude, I'm trying to get a job offer out of this gig."
"Well, you fucked yourself. You should always have a busy response."
"A busy response?"
"Yeah. As soon as you realize this bitch is trying to throw you in front of the bus, or get you to do her goddamn job for her that she's been doing for the past few fucking years; you cut her off mid-sentance with your busy response. Like so: 'Yeah look Helen I've got (list several projects here, make some up) the labor reqs to take care of, supply budgets for sixteen units, PAF's to clean up, operational budget variances are stacking up on my desk, and next week the VP of (any department will do, except the one the bitch works in) Strategy and I are presenting some AD/C data to the CEO. Just can't do it. Hey, would you mind chucking something in the interoffice mail for me?'"
"Wow."
"Works everytime. But be sure that what she's actually asking you to do is horseshit. As a matter of fact, you need to get a job offer somewhere else, just so you can someday bask in the pure pleasure of telling her she's full of horseshit."
"Dude. You're the man."
"Fuck, you're the one who got the residency. Now get out there and administrate."

That's me. Fostering educational growth and career expansion. GO TEAM!

Posted by: shank at 08:19 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Just finished putting the Christmas decorations up!

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 07:56 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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