Yesterday my Lovely Wife, she of normally impeccable style and grace, perpetrated a horror upon my household. An unmitigated affront to all that is good and holy was brought into my castle, shattering the previous sanctity of the household. While at the dollar store

[break for diatribe on the dollar store]

Isn't the dollar store the bomb? Damn! What a feeling to be able to go into an establishment with the certain knowledge that you can have anything, anything, that your eyes alight upon. Even the certain knowledge that the base concept of the dollar store is either to get people to pay money for landfill items or that it's a complicated plot by the Vast Rightwing Conspiracy to lull the working class into a dull statis of conformity and acceptance of our lot can affect the pure joy rush feeling of financial power that us po' folks get when we walk into such an establishment.

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she happened upon bags of M&M candies. These are the ultimate favorite universal candy of our household. Any trip to a store that has checkout aisles will elicit joyous and demanding cries of "MMMMSSSS! MMMMSSSS!" in three part harmony. Lovely Wife quite quickly took advantage of the presence of large M&M bags for a dollar and stuffed several in the shopping cart. Without. Looking. At. The. Bags. I suppose one could give her the benefit of the doubt. I mean, she was there with kids in tow after all. Then again there are certain things in this life that are simply inexcuseable. Things like comparing Al Sharpton with any non-psychotic person, expressing an appreciation for black velvet paintings and bringing Miami Dolphins items into the home of a diehard Buffalo Bills fan.

Yes, that's right people. The M&Ms were The Dolphins Mix. Orange, white and that green/blue/aqua/seafoam color that proves that homosexuals do have a place in the NFL, if only in uniform design [ED - sorry for the gratuitious gay joke]. I guess that it's not so unusual to find Dolphins paraphenalia hanging around the dollar store. After all, that's where otherwise unsellable product goes to die, right?

In Lovely Wife's defense she claims that she realized the M&M profanity only after unpacking the bags at home. I suppose that this might be possible as the gargantuan Miami Dolphins helmet plastered across the bag could easily be overlooked by the average blind person or a mother being harrassed by two evil children (if she also happened to be visually impaired).

So now there are 3 giant bags of M&Ms in the house that celebrate the hated and despised Miami Dolphins. What is there to do? Discard them? Screw that! It's chocolate! Eat them? But wouldn't that be akin to paying obeissance to that most foul of all NFL teams? Not necessarily...

In a twist of logic worthy of Howard Dean himself, Lovely Wife has justified the consumption of the chocolate morsels. You see, it is not a tribute to that farce of a team, it is more like voodoo magic. With each miscolored nugget I consume I am wishing bad mojo on Cuba West's football franchise. Each bit of that candy will be a pin into the Fish's hide. By the time these bags are gone the Dolphins will be a pale shadow of their previous pale shadow of a team.

Is she good or what?

POINTS: 3 points for the first person to name the film that inspired this post title. No googling, please.

POINTS UPDATE: I'm going to open it up to googling since I just googled it and nothing remotely close came up.

Posted by: Jim at 10:43 AM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
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