Everything you need to know about Jazz, with an added bonus—a tale from my wedding

I grew up around jazz and jazz musicians. I know what IÂ’m talking about here. ItÂ’s more than opinion; itÂ’s goddamned common knowledge. ItÂ’s fact. ItÂ’s indisputable.

Kenny G does not play jazz. I donÂ’t know what the fuck it is, but hearing even one fucking note from him throws me into a blind rage. I know itÂ’s wrong to wish bad things on other people but in this case I have to make an exception. I hope somebody bludgeons him. HeÂ’s a fucking plague. He has fucking hoofed feet. He is evil incarnate.

And you know whatÂ’s worse? Anyone who ever spent one single penny on a recording he made or to see him in person. His fans should be lured into an arena under the pretense of a free concert and when properly confined they should be tarred, feathered and permanently marked on the forehead so we can see them coming in the future.

I find it hard to believe that anyone could enjoy the shite that spews from this unholy bastard from hell. TheyÂ’re the enablers! I would sooner see money given to crack heads than for some idiot to pay a single penny to hear this guy play a single note.

With this man walking the earth THERE CAN BE NO GOD.

If you have no idea what a real sax player sounds like you can download John Coltrane playing Giant Steps and find out.

HereÂ’s an excerpt from a Pat Metheny interview regarding Kenny G:

He had major rhythmic problems and his harmonic and melodic vocabulary was extremely limited, mostly to pentatonic based and blues-lick derived patterns, and he basically exhibited only a rudimentary understanding of how to function as a professional soloist Â… But he did show a knack for connecting to the basest impulses of the large crowd by deploying his two or three most effective licks (holding long notes and playing fast runs - never mind that there were lots of harmonic clams in them) at the key moments to elicit a powerful crowd reaction (over and over again) . The other main thing I noticed was that he also, as he does to this day, play horribly out of tune - consistently sharp.

HeÂ’s the godamned devil is what he is.

HereÂ’s a true story for you.

As I was preparing for my wedding we interviewed a DJ who seemed like he could fit the bill. We had to fill out a lot of forms about what we did and did not want to hear during the reception. I had a very long discussion with this guy and in no uncertain terms he was informed NOT TO BRING ANY FUCKING KENNY G TO MY WEDDING. There were lots of other rules I imposed, such as play no requests unless they are cleared by my aide-de-camp, the best man.

We were all musicians and we didnÂ’t want any shitty music played on my special day. Of course, three minutes into the reception I heard Kenny G come on and I went batshit crazy. The wedding party hadnÂ’t even been introduced yet and I sent my aide-de-camp scrambling into the large hall. Since the wedding party hadnÂ’t been introduced yet as soon as he entered the room everyone started clapping, thinking these were the introductions, but that didnÂ’t stop my good friend.

He waved to the crowd and literally broke into a run towards the DJ and in a voice loud enough for me to hear at a distance I could hear him yelling to,”Get that shit off NOW if you expect to be paid.” From behind the curtain I peered into the room and saw him waving his arms like a maniac and a moment later the “music” stopped. No segue into another song, just dead silence. The crowd was cheering and no one except the three of us knew what the hell it was all about and a moment later the sounds of Sinatra filled the room, again to applause, as my buddy walked back to our holding area waving to the crowd like he was fucking Tony Bennett.

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Posted by: Pixy Misa at 07:49 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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