De's having a problem with arsehole neighbors. Not the "borrow your weed eater and never return it because they accidentally dropped it in the pool and it is so fubar that the guy at Home Depot actually laughed when they asked him if it was fixable and there's no way these people are going to buy a weed eater themselves that's why they borrowed yours to begin with and they're especially not going to pay good money to buy somebody else a weed eater despite the fact that they damn well owe you a freaking weed eater but then they start giving excuses why they still haven't returned it and then start avoiding you until you finally corner them and they admit they broke it and promise to replace it 'soon' but never do and then they really avoid you like the plague until you are finally forced to urinate in their air conditioner unit in retaliation" type. No, definitely not that type. Hers are the loud and obnoxious arguer type.

I was in a similar situation once. I lived in the upper apartment of a duplex house and the people in the downstairs apartment alternated between psychotic caterwaling arguments and 70's screaming porno sex. Always starting after midnight and lasting just a few minutes short of eternity. The arguing that is, the screaming porno sex was generally blessedly short. Go figure.

So I was in a situation and saw 4 ways to resolve it:
1) Grab my ankles and take it.
2) Call the cops.
3) Talk to them.
4) Get creative.

Number 1 was right out. I take my hobbies seriously and sleeping is my number one hobby. For a successful night's sleep I need a minimum of 4.5 hours of uninterupted somnolent repose. The timing of their activities prevented this necessary component of acceptable sleep.

I was hesitant to try number 2 for the same reason DeAnna is. Namely, I didn't want to be one of "those people" that call the cops on a neighbor because they're irritating you. Don't get me wrong, if one of their battle royales had ended in a high pitched scream and sudden silence I would have called down a pork attack on their domicile in a heartbeat. It just seemed wrong to do it for what realistically amounts to just a bit of annoyance.

I tried number 3. In a duplex you share the basement and I would bump into Madam Screamer there on occasion while doing laundry. On one such incident I hinted strongly that their nocturnal actions were unacceptably disturbing. I don't remember exactly what I said but it was along the lines of "You guys are so freaking loud with your murderous rampages and brain-screwing-outing that I wake up each night in cold sweats and a mild heart attack. If you had air conditioning I would be seriously considering urinating into it." That quieted things down for a blessed two weeks. Then the vocal assault picked up again sporadically until settling into its familiar mind shattering routine.

I tried number 3 again. This time it was Mister Screamer I spoke with, telling him something like "I have no problem with you verbally assaulting your significant other or attempting a craniectomy via vaginal insertion but your timing makes it impossible for me to get a decent night's sleep. I am seriously considering buying you an air conditioner so I can urinate in it." Peace lasted almost 3 weeks this time until a drunken brawl broke the ice and the nocturnal assault came back in full force.

Talking obviously wasn't working so I decided to go for number 4. I'm not especially creative but this situation put me in an inspired state. At that time I didn't have a wife or kids. What I did have was one fantastically loud sound system on the old Gateway computer. I also had a brother who was an electronics junkie who let me borrow some very nice reel to reel recording equipment.

You can probably see where this is going. You see I worked early in the morning. They slept in until God only knows when. I started recording their vociferous spats and their ferocious copulation. These audio captures then went onto a wave file and were replayed at considerable amplitude for the enjoyment of my inconsiderate neighbors when I left for work at 5:30. Each time they rowed or screwed in assaultive fashion I saved it and also added it to the Big Ass Wave File of Guaranteed Sleeplessness. I would then play the most recent attack followed by the complete collection when I left for work.

This worked much better than talking had. At first there was little reaction besides foul looks when I ran into them, as if my actually proving that there was no avoiding their nocturnal cacophanies was an invasion of their privacy. But after the third or fourth retaliatory strike the incidence of attack diminished to only an occasional outburst.

Note that this exchange of audio barrages did not make us the friendliest of neighbors. Then again there was no real loss there as they were already suck ass neighbors in any case. They moved out a couple of months later when their lease expired and as far as I know they've been happily making their neighbors' lives miserable ever since. Hmmm...Deanna, your trouble couple wouldn't happen to be named Larry and Stacey, would they?

My one regret is that the ol' Gateway suffered hard drive meltdown. I bet that wave file would be an instant classic if I could post it here.

Posted by: Jim at 07:41 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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