Discovery of this phenomenon has made my life much simpler. I can now judge the relative evil of a person at a simple glance. You may doubt my conclusion now but after reading my uncorrelated, anecdotal, and harshly edited and/or manufactured evidence you will no doubt agree with me. We shall begin my recitation of facts with Bear, our largest (and therefore least evil) child.

Bear has just turned 4 and is in all ways a model child. He is polite to a fault, caring, giving, nurturing and posessed of a sweet temperment. His primary goals in life are to watch television, play video games and protect his possessions against the depradations of his younger siblings. In other words, Bear is a carbon copy of me. Except for the caring, giving, nurturing crap - I am sadly lacking all of those. But I do love the telly and video games and I'm quite protective of my worldly goods. Bear has occasional episodes of evil but they tend to relate to his life goals. For example, he may have a conniption fit when one of our more compact children take his Ozzy Osborne talking doll (which features such gems as "I love you all but you're (bleeeep) mad!" and "Sharon! I can't get this (bleep) (bleep) TV to work!") and occasionally throws a tantrum when it's time to turn off the Monsters, Inc game. All in all, Bear's evil quotient is less than 25% even under the most dire circumstances.

Our next example is Bacon. Bacon will turn 3 in a week. Bacon wants money for his birthday. Bacon wants money at all times, for all occurences. Bacon does not want toys for he has discovered that he can simply take whatever toy he wishes at any time. Bacon spends much of his time on his hands and knees looking for dropped change. We emptied the piggy bank yesterday and took his money to the big-green-machine-that-eats-your-spare-change-and-counts-it-for-you-for-the-low-low-price-of-only-8.9%-of-whatever-you-feed-it-so-you-don't-have-to-roll-it-up-in-those-stupid-paper-rolls-and-put-25-forms-of-ID-on-it-before-any-cashier-will-accept-it-and-where-can-you-get-those-blasted-things-anyway-cause-God-forbid-you-ask-at-the-bank-where-the-teller-will-look-at-you-like-you-are-an-idiot-while-the-frigid-bitch-assesses-your-account-with-a-$2.50-fee-for-your-temerity-in-actually-going-to-a-freaking-teller-when-everything-you-do-now-should-be-through-the-internet-or-at-the-non-bank-employee-time-wasting-ATM. He had over $6 there. While some of this was odd change given to him by Lovely Wife or myself the bulk of it was money he has found over the past year. Money is Bacon's sole obsession and he will lie, cheat, steal and kill to get it. We estimate Bacon's evil quotient at close to 50%.

Our third example is Burger. Burger is somewhere between 1 and 2. His birthday is in January but as a male I am unable to peg his age down to months like Lovely Wife does so you can do the math yourself if you are interested. Burger's obsessions include turning off the television, standing in front of the television when people are playing video games, taking toys from Bear and stealing Bacon's money. His other hobbies are ripping up Daddy's books and throwing food. And he bites. And throws complete dive-to-the-ground-kicking-and-screaming tantrums. In public spaces. Like churches. Burger's evil quotient is an astounding 87%. The only reason it is not higher is that he is incredibly cute while sleeping.

Although these three anecdotal and highly biased examples are far more than would be required to prove a point and then become dogma at the DNC I sense that some of you may require further examples. Very well.

Napoleon. Perhaps the most famous short dictator the world has ever known. He enslaved most of europe, using his size induced evil to his utmost advantage.

Hitler. Not only was Adolph a crackpot, egomaniacal madman, he was also short. One can only wonder how different history would have been if Adolph had achieved a normal height. And if he wasn't a crackpot, egomaniacal madman.

Mini Me. Talk about compression of evil. Yes, I know that Mini Me was a character in movies and that he "turned good" in the third one. However, he was brought to life in such convincing fashion by Verne Troyer that we cannot but help thinking of him as a real person. And nothing in Goldmember counts! Nothing! That movie didn't happen! Nah! Nah! Nah! I can't hear you!!

So you can clearly see that I have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that shortness (or "The state of being vertically challenged", to be politically correct) is a primary indicator of evil. Put this knowledge to good use. Protect yourself and your loved ones from the diminutive forces of darkness. And always remember that despite my own mid 5' height I am an exception to this rule, am firmly on the side of good, and would never mislead you.

Bwah hah hah hah hah hah!!!

Posted by: Jim at 08:00 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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