Update: Results are in the extended entry.

Want to know what it's about? See the Shamming/Sharing intro post.

Is this anecdote something I'm sharing with you or something I'm shamming you with?

Before we leave Chicago I'll share with you two other specific (and much shorter *cough* *Simon* *cough*) memories I have of my time there.

The first deals with a Snickers bar. Two brothers, one Snickers bar. The equitable way to split it? One would cut it in half and the other would pick which piece he wanted. My big brother was the knife man and he cut it as close to the center as he could possibly estimate (since he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that if one piece was markedly larger than the other I would snake it in a heartbeat). To the naked eye these two halves of a candy bar were indeed perfect halves. Many children would have simply taken a random piece and been perfectly happy with it. Not me. I stared at that split Snickers for what seemed like hours as big bro got steadily more irritated. The one on the left is a smidge bigger...no, maybe it's the one on the right that's bigger...hmmm...left, definitely left...but that's probably just what he wants me to think...is that cut at an angle...hmmm... Eventually he lost patience and yelled for Mom so I grabbed one of the halves randomly. I'm sure that if I had just a little more time I would have figured out which one was a tiny bit bigger.

The second memory is about a massive field that was near our apartment complex. I walked across this thing just about every day going to friends' houses (back then little kids could walk around their neighborhoods) and would pretend it was different things. Sometimes it was the tundra and I was a reindeer racing across. One time it was the ocean and I was a shark swimming. Other times it might be the plains of the west and I'd be the Lone Ranger riding my horse across them. Well there was one time when I was coming home and it had rained that day. The field was squishy wet but not soaked. I pretended that it was a lake and I was Jesus walking on the water (side note: we were practicing Catholics at this time). I was having a grand old time until I got half-way across and I stepped into a groundhog hole or other such depression and was instantly chilled up the leg by the water. I freaked. I just knew that it was God punishing me for my blasphemy and now he had made the field like water so I was going to sink into it. I scrambled up to my feet and ran across that field at top speed screaming my head off the entire way. I was incredibly relieved when I made it to concrete and slowed down to catch my breath. Then I realized that God could do the same thing to the concrete so I ran again until reaching the safety of the apartment. At least I wasn't screaming for that final sprint.

Current Shamming/Sharing standings:

One Correct
Helen
jim
Mike the Marine
Simon

Zero Correct
Everybody else RESULTS:

They were lies. Damn lies indeed and almost worse than statistics.

That Snickers bar? Yeah, we did that he cuts/I pick thing once. He cut the bar and as soon as he stepped back I jumped in there, moved the pieces alongside each other, grabbed the half that was a quarter millimeter longer and shoved it in my mouth. He didn't even have time to get out an exclamation. I was nobody's fool, y'all - you don't risk less candy by relying on eyeball measurements. After that little performance I became the designated cutter.

The big field? Yeah, that was there. It was a soccer field. I did get a soaker one day after they put new turf down and my foot went between two slabs of grass. I wasn't worried about the vengeance of the Lord though, just how pissed Mom was going to be over my soaking wet and muddy sneaker, especially since I was supposed to have gone on the sidewalk and not over the soccer field.

I am indeed an evil genius. Only Tiffani saw through my nefarious lies. New Shamming/Sharing coming up later today.

Posted by: Jim at 09:00 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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