November 25, 2003
The worst job ever
No, I'm not talking about the infamous
Singaporean animal masturbator, any of the worthies on
WorstJob.com or even
the guy who collects worms from cattle intestines. I'm talking about the poor S.O.B. who has to squeegee clean the holodecks on the Enterprise at the end of the day.
more...
Posted by: Jim at
02:47 PM
| Comments (4)
| Add Comment
Post contains 397 words, total size 2 kb.
1
I thought I was the only sick F to harbor those thoughts. What a relief to know I'm not alone!
And hey, it's like hundreds of years from now - surely someone would have invented a Excreta-Sucker 'bot.
Besides, the redshirts need to be available in case somebody needs to die in a hurry. Can't keep 'em tied up with a mop.
Posted by: rick at November 25, 2003 05:12 PM (oA/Vb)
2
maybe they have a way to clean that up... i mean, there is water in the holodeck and you can get wet and dry off.. remeber on one of the star trek movies (generations) I think, they are on a ship and worf falls into the water...
Posted by: pylorns at November 25, 2003 05:33 PM (oMGhn)
3
Or maybe they use the transporter? Beam that spunk right off the ship. Or better yet - into a photon torpedo war head. Maybe that's what Worf means when he always recommends "a
full spread of photon torpedos".
Posted by: Jim at November 25, 2003 09:06 PM (fkewd)
4
The GM1 mentioned that to me back when Next Gen first showed up and I mentioned I'd like to just live in a holodeck. He said I'd have to wear big rubber boots.
Posted by: LeeAnn at November 26, 2003 08:15 AM (HxCeX)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
November 18, 2003
If I only knew then what I don't know now...
Kelley is wondering
what stuff you believed as a kid that you can laugh about now.
I had a particularly voracious monster under the bed. It wasn't good enough to keep hands and feet away from the edge. All body parts had to be protected by the Blanket of Monster Repelling or it was all over. You had approximately 5 seconds to get covered (after jumping the last 3 feet into the bed) before he would attack. I didn't have a closet monster though. The bed monster probably ate him.
I had a stair monster too. The steps to the basement were open (no backs on the steps). If you were too slow getting up the stairs he would grab your ankles. One of the most terrifying moments of my childhood was when I was tearing ass up these stairs and slipped. I smashed my shin on the wooden step so hard that I couldn't even scream, it hurt so badly. I was stuck, unable to move, just waiting for the monster to grab me. Eventually I was able to crawl up to the landing where I sat huddled in a fetal position until I could stand up again. To this day I don't know what saved me back then. Either he was asleep on his watch or just assumed I'd trucked all the way up like I usually did. I'm sure that if I'd actually been able to cry at the pain he would have been alerted and then he would have got me.
Posted by: Jim at
06:47 AM
| Comments (3)
| Add Comment
Post contains 275 words, total size 1 kb.
1
When I was 12 I was reading King's "It" in bed, with a flashlight, when I was supposed to be asleep. At one point, I had to pee, but couldn't turn on the light lest my parents cotton on to the fact I was awake. So I ran to the toilet and came back, lights off.
Now, the walk to the bed is a scary walk. You had to take a running jump and fly onto the bed, lest some hand reach out from beneath the bed and get your ankle. I was seriously freaked out about "It" (story of an evil alien clown living in the sewers), but I decided to be brave. I walked to the bed...walked...
...and just as I got to the bed, a hand reached out and grabbed my ankle. I screamed (and luckily narrowly avoided wetting my pants, since I had just been to the toilet) as my Dad crawled out from under the bed, laughing his ass off at teaching me a lesson.
Yup. I will be discussing his behaviour on Oprah someday when I am rich and famous, dabbing at my eyes and using the term "scarred for life."
Posted by: Helen at November 18, 2003 07:53 AM (tdh2z)
2
Oh Lordy! I'm almost wetting my pants right now, Helen. Oh, man, that's delicious.
Posted by: Jim at November 18, 2003 08:09 AM (IOwam)
3
I had the typical monster fears, but I also had the misfortune of beng extremely gullible and technologically challenged.
My mother was very creative and very bored with watching kids. She told my sister and me we could dig through the earth and end up in China and gave us both spoons. We dug for three days, taking turns sticking our heads in the hole to see if we could see any Chinese feet yet walking on the other side of the world. She didn't stop us until we were inches from getting under the house foundation.
I also thought that the tall radio towers with red lights going up them at intervals had cars on them driving up one side and down the other. I lived in fear that my Dad would take that exit!
Posted by: Oda Mae at November 19, 2003 12:58 AM (/g+U8)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
Hypothetically speaking...
Say that you're in a meeting with your team (programmers, production guy, product manager and boss). Further, say that you are sitting across from and just a bit over from the boss. Let's also say that she has one too many buttons undone on her blouse. And it's obvious she does not have a clue that said button is open. She's also got a lacy black little half bra thing going on and depending on which way she is facing and how she is sitting you can see nipple.
Do you stare? How openly? Is it bad if you do a jaw dropped open full-on ogle for several minutes, during which time you are aparently brain dead and slowly, one by one, the people in the meeting each realize that you are occularly linked to the boss's boobages? How bad is it when the boss herself realizes that you are visually molesting her and calls your name several times before you respond?
Finally, if at the completion of the meeting the boss stands up and it turns out that she was wearing some black leotard thing under her blouse and anything else that you thought you saw was just your own very overactive imagination, should that cancel out any asshole points that you've accumulated or does it simply mean that you are pathetic?
This is all just hypothetically speaking of course...
Posted by: Jim at
04:25 AM
| Comments (1)
| Add Comment
Post contains 235 words, total size 1 kb.
1
See?--This is why it's such a good thing we don't all stay home, barefoot, and pregnant. A workplace without accidental boobage is a sad, sad place.
Posted by: ilyka at November 18, 2003 07:29 AM (wYiIK)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
November 14, 2003
Cool magic trick
So you don't believe in real magic? Well this will convince you. With my help you will now cast your very first real magic spell. Just do the following:
- Take a deep breath.
- Grab a pencil, pen, or other wand-like instrument.
- Wave your wand in front of your mouth in a counter-clockwise manner. Those of you with digital clocks just wiggle it a bit.
- Breath out! Jeeze. That was just a calming exercise, I didn't want you to hold your freakin' breath. Just breath normal, okay?
- Speak the following line three times. Each successive line must be louder than the one previous. That means that you say it once softly, once a bit louder and then again a bit louder still:
inflatus lingua nimium
Okay, all done. You've successfully cast your first spell. What? Don't believe me? You didn't notice anything? Oh, really...
How is your tongue feeling? Does it seem a bit...large? Sort of slipping across your teeth instead of sitting nicely inside the old toothline, isn't it? In fact, it now takes some considerable effort to keep that sucker in place, doesn't it? Oh, my hapless foil how you have fallen into my evil snare.
Bwah hah! Bwah hah hah! Bwah hah hah hah hah!
more...
Posted by: Jim at
12:47 PM
| Comments (2)
| Add Comment
Post contains 226 words, total size 1 kb.
1
Might I just point out that in some situations, an oversized tongue is a GOOD thing.
Posted by: LeeAnn at November 14, 2003 06:52 PM (HxCeX)
2
Absolutely correct, LeeAnn. Emily said I had to suck up to you ladies on the island. This is step 1 of my bribery plan.
Posted by: Jim at November 15, 2003 07:43 AM (fkewd)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
That poor cleaning crew
Just in case that last post didn't gross you out enough I'm going to share something with you. Oh, come on. Why the long face? Y'all know that when I'm disgusted with something I share that disgusting thing with you. This increases the amount of disgust in the world thereby lowering my disgust level in relation to the world as a whole. Plus, Momma told me to always share.
more...
Posted by: Jim at
11:38 AM
| Comments (2)
| Add Comment
Post contains 381 words, total size 2 kb.
1
Can't search on it at the moment--for some reason I always have difficulty Googling for old posts on Vodkapundit--but I believe at about February/March or so of this year he had absolutely THE grossest description of 'flu I have ever, ever read.
And I did a dictation on a poor guy with a perforated bowel from an improperly-performed colonoscopy this morning. It takes a lot to gross me out.
Say, want me to tell you about the guy with the 10-cm scrotal laceration? No? That's funny, my boyfriend didn't want to hear about that one either.
Posted by: ilyka at November 14, 2003 06:31 PM (kDE8G)
2
I'll have to try harder. I'll get you one of these days. ;-)
Posted by: Jim at November 15, 2003 08:10 AM (fkewd)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
I found the Paris Hilton porn video
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right? Well, since my stats are totally mucked up by hits looking for the Paris Hilton and whatsisname amateur porn extravaganza I figured I'd just go with it.
After an intense search which led to many, many, many sites with posts much like my previous one that did not contain any link to the video in question I finally found a site that not only has the entire thing but has it for free. The site is understandably busy so it loads slow but it's worth it. This is some of the best in your face (and elsewhere) camera work I've ever seen in a non budget night vision sex video.
What's more, they have a second Paris Hilton porn where she's having a threesome with Playboy playmate Nicole Lenz and former MTV VJ/actor Simon Rex.
There's a nice compilation of Shannen Doherty stuff there too.
Without further ado, here is the link you're all coming here for: www.parishiltonshagfest.com
Posted by: Jim at
08:45 AM
| Comments (11)
| Add Comment
Post contains 180 words, total size 1 kb.
1
My apologies to
Ryan for stealing his gag.
Scratch that. All's fair in love and blogging. Heh.
Posted by: Jim at November 14, 2003 08:46 AM (IOwam)
2
I do not feel bad for beautiful Miss Paris, I see it as a lesson learned to all of us lust freaks out there
Posted by: PUSSYKIT at November 15, 2003 09:53 AM (EShIG)
3
But I couldn't see Paris in the video. Was she behind the letters?
;-)
Posted by: Simon at November 17, 2003 07:32 AM (YU5e8)
4
Where can I see these socalled videos of Paris.?
Posted by: J at November 19, 2003 12:57 PM (rZmE1)
5
THEY GOT MY E-MAIL WRONG
Posted by: J at November 19, 2003 01:00 PM (rZmE1)
6
Sorry, I have no idea where you can see the video.
Posted by: Jim at November 19, 2003 01:08 PM (IOwam)
Posted by: D at November 19, 2003 09:39 PM (lKUxU)
8
Here it is, no jokes
http://www.sextapeparishilton.com/
Posted by: Miguel at November 23, 2003 09:03 PM (gJIag)
9
for those of u who dont no who paris hilton is shes a famous model. in my personal opinion i think that shes really hot and sexy. and if u ever seen her sex video please tell me wear i can find or see it. it would reallly help. i just want to see how hot she is.
Posted by: at November 28, 2003 09:12 PM (99FFQ)
10
this site fucking kicks ass
Posted by: at December 17, 2003 06:47 PM (rUlDs)
11
This site stinks!!! who the heck made this one?? this is just a piece of crap!>!>
Posted by: y-anne! at December 13, 2004 10:42 PM (WJ+J1)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
November 12, 2003
It's all Ilyka's fault
Seriously.
She puts these
evil thoughts into my brain and I am powerless to resist.
This travesty is to the tune of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious of Mary Poppins fame. Yes, it's true. I have molested one of the world's favorite childrens' songs. Broken down, this version is cremasteric reflex it's a scrotomatic clenchin'. I'll sit quietly until the men in the white van get here.
For those who didn't see the comments referenced above, the Cremasteric Reflex is what causes a man's scrotum to contract when his inner thigh is stroked.
Cremastericreflexitsascrotomaticclenchin'!
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle me
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle me
Cremastericreflexitsascrotomaticclenchin'!
The pleasure that it gives your groin
Is simply beyond mention.
If you do it oft' enough you'll
Release all your tension.
Cremastericreflexitsascrotomaticclenchin''
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle me
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle me
Because I was a fraid to wank
When I was just a teen,
Me girlfriend gave my thigh a stroke
And showed me something keen.
Then one day I learned the word
For my new favorite trick.
The biggest word you've ever heard
For playing with your dick!
Oh! Cremastericreflexitsascrotomaticclenchin'!
The pleasure that it gives your groin
Is simply beyond mention.
If you do it oft' enough you'll
Release all your tension.
Cremastericreflexitsascrotomaticclenchin''
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle me
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle me
So when you're with that special gal,
Or got some time alone,
Just stroke that inner thigh a bit
And watch your scrotum roam.
But better do it carefully
Or it may change your life.
One night I did it with my girl
And now my girl's my wife!
She does Cremastericreflexitsascrotomaticclenchin'!
Cremastericreflexitsascrotomaticclenchin'!
Cremastericreflexitsascrotomaticclenchin'!
Cremastericreflexitsascrotomaticclenchin'!
Posted by: Jim at
07:41 PM
| Comments (8)
| Add Comment
Post contains 292 words, total size 2 kb.
Posted by: Ryan at November 12, 2003 11:20 PM (OFRjN)
2
Eeesh.
I can't wait to try this out. Aheh.
Posted by: margi at November 13, 2003 03:18 AM (4jrV0)
3
I still say technically it's Ryan's fault. "Oh, it has lyric potential." Well, there you go, sir.
Everyone's sick of cliches like "I spit coffee all over my monitor," or "I laughed so hard I had tears rolling down my face." So tell me: what's an acceptable thing to say if you do, in fact, actually have tears rolling down your face?
Posted by: ilyka at November 13, 2003 04:20 AM (1+elX)
4
How about:
"That gave me an acute case of hysteric lability!"
Posted by: Jim at November 13, 2003 07:22 AM (fkewd)
5
an acute case of hysteric lability
That'll work.
And hey--should you ever feel like giving us an encore, perhaps something similar
could be done with this.
Posted by: ilyka at November 13, 2003 11:03 AM (1+elX)
6
Hmmm...
Polyp alone would be pretty doable. Transverse Rectal Polyp is going to be a challenge. Lemme think on it.
Posted by: Jim at November 13, 2003 11:12 AM (IOwam)
7
transverse rectal polyp fits nicely in with the chorus of "Smells like teen spirit".
Posted by: pril at November 13, 2003 12:40 PM (RIjZr)
8
i cant read that long word because i am only 6...
Posted by: Jake at January 05, 2004 09:03 AM (PSPCB)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
November 11, 2003
I've got a groupie!
I guess writing porn pays off. Extended entry is not work safe.
more...
Posted by: Jim at
10:22 AM
| Comments (5)
| Add Comment
Post contains 53 words, total size 1 kb.
1
Better email the link to Bill Cimino, otherwise he'll never forgive you!
Posted by: Susie at November 11, 2003 11:49 AM (0+cMc)
2
It's alandbillc-at-cs-dot-com. I'd do it but he'd ask me for a threesome...
Posted by: Susie at November 11, 2003 11:52 AM (0+cMc)
3
Just sent him an email, Susie. Link and threesome offer included. ;-)
Posted by: Jim at November 11, 2003 12:48 PM (IOwam)
4
Hey, wait a minute! I missed the porn. Where was THAT?!
Posted by: Jennifer at November 11, 2003 01:12 PM (FeTrW)
Posted by: Jim at November 11, 2003 01:52 PM (IOwam)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
November 06, 2003
The Howard Dean Guide To Southern Bigots
Howard wants to get a solid constituency in the South but, based on recent comments, he's going to be having some problems doing so. Let's face it, saying that we should quit basing our votes on "race, guns, God and gays" shows pretty conclusively that he doesn't know his target audience. He's lumping all of us Southern bigots into one big group when there are actually three distinct types of Southern bigot. You got yer white trash, yer rednecks and yer good ol' boys and Howie is going to need to tailor his voting instructions to each group.
Now I'm a helpful sort, that's just the way folk are down here, so I've compiled a little guide for Howard to use while he's down here drumming up support. Snooze Button Dreams proudly presents:
The Howard Dean Guide To Southern Bigots
more...
Posted by: Jim at
02:47 PM
| Comments (8)
| Add Comment
Post contains 799 words, total size 6 kb.
1
The sad part is, you'll probably get a link from the Dean Campaign blog.
Posted by: Don at November 06, 2003 03:11 PM (e6au8)
2
Oh Good God!
It's not that I'm southern.
It's not that I hate stereotypes.
It's the fact that I love sarcasm as a form of humor.
This was damn close.
Bravo.
Posted by: Brass at November 06, 2003 11:07 PM (v//6c)
3
LOL! Great cheat-sheet Jim!
Posted by: Susie at November 07, 2003 02:17 AM (0+cMc)
4
Sorry, I have clearly been out of the South for a while, but what the HELL is a Yurpian?
Posted by: Helen at November 07, 2003 07:17 AM (4tEWI)
5
Pronounced
yur' pE in. You know, frogs, krauts, lymies and such. All them countries from WWII.
Posted by: Jim at November 07, 2003 09:11 AM (fkewd)
6
Ya'll folks got to much time to faurt around.
Get your're thumbs out of your butts and get to work.
W. a.k.a (Wubya)
Posted by: W. a.k.a (Wubya) at November 09, 2003 12:35 PM (rKWE1)
Posted by: sam at November 17, 2003 07:16 PM (PaDIv)
8
here is a great pic for the campaign of Howard Dean.
http://www.okeeart.com/dean1.jpg
Posted by: Okee at December 04, 2003 01:04 PM (AFpHB)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
November 05, 2003
Watkins for President, Part I
As Don sits studiously writing the next portion of his future historical biography, he is engulfed by a sulfurous, but oddly pleasant in a musky manly-man sort of way, cloud. As the cloud clears he finds himself in a dark and musty cavern. Standing over him is a monstrous form, complete with shiny horns and spikey tail.
Jim: Hey, Don. How's it hanging?
Don: WTF?
Jim: You didn't actually just spell out "W-T-F", did you? That is so...so...
Don: Trite? Generation-X? Geeky?
Jim: That last one.
more...
Posted by: Jim at
08:58 AM
| Comments (8)
| Add Comment
Post contains 768 words, total size 5 kb.
1
I finnally linked you Jim.. course my linkage to you also involves Don...
Posted by: pylorns at November 05, 2003 09:16 AM (AhTDr)
2
I have truly arrived.
Posted by: Jim at November 05, 2003 09:20 AM (IOwam)
3
Brilliant, darling. I bow down to Jim, and not in any kind of "On my knees kind of way".
Wonder what my nickname would be...
Posted by: Helen at November 05, 2003 10:06 AM (k78uM)
4
Ok, I've finnaly joined the frey... A story about Jim and Don.. and Helen.. by yours truly.
http://www.wetwired.org/2003_11_01_archive.html#106804951048553418
Posted by: pylorns at November 05, 2003 11:36 AM (AhTDr)
5
You know why else I love Jim? He remembers I am six hours ahead of you guys. That's right. He knows that when he wakes up, he has posts to read.
*sigh*...ain't nothing like a considerate man...
Posted by: Helen at November 05, 2003 12:38 PM (tdh2z)
6
I'm all about consideration. That's why I had to move down South. Ladies still get treated like ladies down here. Even when they're your boss.
Posted by: Jim at November 05, 2003 02:10 PM (IOwam)
7
Your gentlemanly ways proved your undoing on my latest post, my dear...
Posted by: Helen at November 05, 2003 04:56 PM (k78uM)
8
Drat. Drat and double drat.
Posted by: Jim at November 05, 2003 06:08 PM (fkewd)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
November 04, 2003
Jim vs. God
Idea totally ripped off from Don.
As God walks off into the sunset chuckling heartily over his victory against Don, Jim pops up in that annoying arms-waving-about-attracting-attention manner of his.
Jim: Hey, wait up!
more...
Posted by: Jim at
05:02 AM
| Comments (3)
| Add Comment
Post contains 696 words, total size 4 kb.
1
At first I thought my head was going to pop off during the "1+2+1+2" bits, but I had a great laugh, thanks dearie.
Am scratching my head about the other guy from "Bill and Ted", though. Have to do some Googling now, it's getting on my nerves!
Posted by: Helen at November 04, 2003 07:51 AM (ADrg6)
2
LOL...A+ work Jim. Thanks.
Posted by: Don at November 04, 2003 09:00 AM (e6au8)
3
Alex Winter was Bill S. Preston, Esquire
Between "Bill & Ted" and "The Lost Boys," remember when
HE was the guy that was going to have the big movie career?
Posted by: at November 04, 2003 09:15 AM (Zw7Hl)
Hide Comments
| Add Comment
53kb generated in CPU 0.0786, elapsed 0.1375 seconds.
95 queries taking 0.1154 seconds, 265 records returned.
Powered by Minx 1.1.6c-pink.
