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Redneck

Good ol'Boy

(This post is going to come up in therapy sessions when they are teens.)

Posted by: Jim at 09:22 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 38 words, total size 1 kb.

Lovely Wife and I went to relationship counseling once. Our "facilitator" seemed likable enough and our session started out pretty well. At one point she said something along the lines of "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." She then asked me if I could name Lovely Wife's favorite flower.

I leaned over, feeling very confident, touched Lovely Wife's arm gently and whispered, "Self-Rising, isn't it?"

The rest of the story is not pleasant.

Posted by: Jim at 09:43 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
Post contains 85 words, total size 1 kb.

DATELINE: New York

Jimmy Breslin, longstanding columnist for Newsday, has been accused of creating an interview with the Rev. Louis Sheldon (chairman of the Traditional Values Coalition) out of whole cloth. Pulitzer prize winner Breslin claims that the interview occurred in 1992 but his target is crying foul.

[Reverend Sheldon] said he has "never met Jimmy Breslin, never had the conversation described in his column today and never said those sentences to anyone in my life."

Snooze Button Dreams correspondents, in a daring predawn raid, managed to interview the beleaguered newsie. Without admitting any guilt the SBD operatives correspondents would like it known that it is possible Mr.Breslin was anally accidentally administered a large dose of sodium pentathol. more...

Posted by: Jim at 10:55 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 506 words, total size 3 kb.

The puppy has several methods of waking me up in the morning when she's ready to do her business. The first one she used was jumping half up on the bed and raking her claws down my back. That was exceptionally effective at waking me up but it did not put me in the spirits to provide her with the friendly companionship that makes a morning poop so much more enjoyable. In short, she quickly came to learn that this wasn't acceptable.

She then moved to whining (or as my Brit readers would say, "whinging") but found the results to be less than satisfactory. I'm a pretty deep sleeper and little noises like polite whining, televisions and fire alarms don't have a very good chance of waking me up.

Then she discovered the power of the puppy nose. There is no good way to describe the sensation of being brought out of a deep slumber by having a cold wet puppy nose jammed up your ass crack. Suffice it to say that this method had much better success at rousing me (yes I said 'rousing' in conjunction with a dog's nose up my crack. Get your minds out of the gutter. The word you are looking for is "arousing", which I didn't use because I wasn't. Aroused that is. Pervs.) than did mere whining. After a bit of negative reinforcement, the pup learned to aim higher and I thought we had a mutually agreed upon system. Oh how wrong I was. more...

Posted by: Jim at 02:49 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 817 words, total size 4 kb.