You remember the Butt Game, right? That's where you call out "Butt" and something that you can see. Whoever gets the most laughs wins. Well, Bear is getting really good at this. The other day we were playing it in the car and he trumped both Lovely Wife and myself with his butt-isms. Some were so good that I couldn't help but wonder why they aren't part of our regular vocabulary. In the interest of expanding the wonder and grace of the English language I present a sample of Buttcabulary.

Buttramp: Sounds naughty doesn't it? This word could be used with hillarious effect as a synonym for "slide".

Buttplate: This is an actual word already but it lends itself to another definition. You know those round plastic sleds that you can't control worth a damn and are designed so you can't sit at the center of gravity so you always end up going down the suicidal hill backwards? Yeah, those are now called buttplates.

Buttbus: "Short bus" has taken on dangerously non-PC tones. We'll call them buttbusses from now on.

Buttpole: Can't really stay away from homosexual references when we're talking about butts, can we?

Buttlight: The doctor uses this during rectal exams.

Buttgrass: This was the winner of our last contest. Isn't this just perfect to describe the muppet like growth that covers some folks backsides or the jungle of hairs pouring out of some butt cracks? Here, let me use it in context for you: "Damn, girl! Mow that buttgrass!"

What Buttcabulary words do you know?

Posted by: Jim at 08:44 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Disjointed and caffeinated thoughts that most certainly do not come from your regular host, Mr. Jim Peacock, so throw the tomatoes at me, not him. 'Course, you'll have to wait until the site's back up, which is what I'm doing right now. The other thing I'm doing right now is taking advantage of Jim's kindness in giving me a guest login. I'm a real super-good taker-advantager. I'm knacky with the grammar, too, if you couldn't tell.

Anyway, Jim didn't write the following, I did, and you'll be able to tell right away because Jim, unlike myself, is normally coherent. more...

Posted by: Ilyka at 05:57 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Do you have a Goody Box at work? It's a cardboard display with all sorts of chips, cookies, microwave popcorn, cup-a-soup, etc, that's brought in and stocked by some local vending company. It's the stuff you'd find in a classic vending machine except it's just in this open cardboard thing with a cardboard box with a slit where you put your money (All items 75 cents!). There's one sitting by the printers on the other side of the building and another in the break room slash kitchen. They work on the honor system. You want a Snickers bar, you're supposed to put in your 3 quarters.

My problem is that I don't have any money. I don't mean I'm destitute, y'all. I mean I don't carry cash. Like ever. Except for vending machines (or vending cardboard boxes) the old debit card works for just about anything. So what do I do when I'm pouring my coffee and I look over and see those Lorna Doone cookies staring at me? What could possibly complete a morning cup of coffee like shortbread cookies? Do I just take a pack of cookies? That's stealing, even if it is from a faceless corporation. The guilt would just crush me if I did that (I am a recovering Catholic after all). No, what I've had to do every day for the past several months was wipe that single tear from my eye, pass by the coveted Lorna Doones and retire to my desk to attempt to enjoy a suddenly tasteless cup of coffee.

That's what I had to do until recently anyway. You see, we got a new vending box last month. It looks the same as the old one - cardboard half box with the cardboard safe that has a slit on top for money deposit and prepacked snack delights filling up the display portion - except for one small detail. This one has a little Master Card/Visa sticker on the pay box. Hallelujiah and saints be praised! I just swipe my debit card in and out of that cardboard slot, take the beloved Lorna Doone cookies and enjoy them with a clear conscience. I was a bit concerned at first because there was no slip to sign but then I remembered that signatures aren't required for purchases under $50.

It's odd that none of my purchases showed up on my last bank statement. They must process all of the transactions in a batch and they just haven't hit mine yet. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Posted by: Jim at 04:55 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Do you know how when you and your partner are both really tired on a Saturday afternoon and she's lying on the bed relaxing while you (for some unknown reason that even you can't explain except that it has something to do with your severe anal retentive nature) are checking your work email on your own time and then you finish up and shut down the computer and you lie down in the bed with her and just snuggle for a while until that certain spark starts up (most likely because she suddenly says "I am so horny right now") and you start fondling her but then you hear the kids coming down the hall so you distract them by telling them they can go to town on their entire box of Valentine's day candy and to stay in the front room and you and Mommy will be out in a little bit and then the two of you get under the covers giggling a bit because you're oh-so-naughty having a quickie in the middle of the day when the kids are up but not giggling too much because you're both so horny now that you can only really think of one thing and then you're rocking away in the spoon position and having a grand old time and then you hear your oldest child (the four year old) pipe up from the foot of the bed "Hey! Stop messing around!" and gives you a huge panic because even though you're under the covers you just got caught and you have that panic like you did when you were messing around in your parents' house way back when so you yell "Get in the living room now!" and when the confused lad runs out of the bedroom your Lovely Wife starts laughing and you can't help but laugh too in a mixture of relief and humor at the absurdity of the situation?

Me neither.

Posted by: Jim at 10:32 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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It's been a while since I expressed my appreciation to the homosexual men in the world. Not you bi fellas! Y'all are icky. But gay men? Damn, do we straights owe you guys.

I don't understand why some hetero guys are gay haters. Don't you guys get it? You owe the gay guys a round of thanks too! I see you're confused so I'll take it a step backwards and start with an anecdote.

Iv, our next door neighbor's son, is gay. He's also a smoking hot specimen of male boditude with the sweetest personality you could imagine. He makes Lovely Wife and all of her lady friends weak in the knees. Unappologetically. They brag about it. Hell, if I ever decide to switch teams I am going to be so all over him it'll be pathetic. more...

Posted by: Jim at 10:47 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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1 I don't think I was ever so depressed in my life as I was when I walked into a gay bar for the first time and realized, "This is what happened to all the good-looking ones . . . ."

Posted by: ilyka at February 07, 2004 05:12 PM (izQNB)

2 Wow, I have to think you have a great attitude.. but don't forget what else helps you guys out.. I have a gay friend- I prefer him over my girlfriends because he does not pose competition for me..lol but aside from that, I can tell him all my male frustrations and ask questions, and he shoots it straight to me from a mans point of view, but in the fashion a girlfriend would. I am totally getting a male education here lol. I can then use that to be a better gal to whatever man deserves my attention

Posted by: cutetxblonde at February 08, 2004 03:05 PM (qX++Q)

3 Ahuh....I love those gay men.But I hate them,too.As mentioned by Jim,all goodlooking guys are either GAY or MARRIED!But the gays are the coolest because nothing brings me more pleasure them to stand with IV in our parkinglot,ratting about...yeah you got it,baby!...MEN!Ha...NOONE else kan give you the male and female version of male-bashing as good as a gay men.Yeah baby...and since we are married and therefore concidered dead...all me and my girls here have is the eye-candy that comes in form of....yup...GAY MEN! I love it!!

Posted by: LW at February 08, 2004 08:50 PM (saeHM)

4 Yuck...look at all my typos!Thats how excited I get by the subject...

Posted by: LW at February 08, 2004 08:53 PM (saeHM)

5 Having spent the first 25 years of my life in the bay area, i can say that gay men are a blessing and a curse to women.

Posted by: annika at February 09, 2004 04:53 AM (8pF2y)

6 Gay men are helpful to me, too, because they decorate things with flowers.

Posted by: Trey Givens at February 09, 2004 05:32 PM (Fo1B/)

7 And that's much better than a wolf print on velvet, eh?

Posted by: Jim at February 09, 2004 08:03 PM (saeHM)

8 That is truly a phenomenon that boggles the mind.

Posted by: Trey Givens at February 10, 2004 06:50 PM (rWEDR)

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So that full bladder feeling starts up. You know the one - it says "It's about time to head on over to the can. We're approaching terminal capacity here." So I do what any normal male would. I ignore it for a while. Let that sucker build up a bit. You know - get the fire hose up to pressure. I'm at work, see? Work has many benefits including health care, salary, job satisfaction...and urinals.

Yes, urinals. Urinals are a gentleman's playground. At home we have the shitter sitter. That classic low slung all purpose throne. It works great for the ladies and even guys would be lost without it but it has drawbacks. For a crap it's got everything you could want. For a piss it is less than satisfactory. You have two basic choices - sit or stand. If you sit for a pee you are automatically docked a minimum of 5 Guy Points. Sitting is for toddlers and men afraid of their women. A guy really has only one valid choice - the stand. more...

Posted by: Jim at 12:25 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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1 .....oh, the chaos that can ensue from an uncontrollable double stream is the stuff of nightmares..... AT LAST! Someone who knows the horrors of the double stream!

Posted by: Mike the Marine at February 06, 2004 03:57 PM (IOX+E)

2 Sitting to pee? No. No that won't do at all. I had a potential housemate once inform me that nobody was allowed to stand and pee because it made a mess. Suffice it to say that I didn't move in there because ain't nobody telling me how to handle my bladdatory business! And yes, bladdatory is another new word. You can use it but you can't have it!

Posted by: Johnny Huh? at February 06, 2004 03:59 PM (AyewP)

3 "Bladdatory"...I like that. Mike, double stream syndrome (DSS) only seems to affect persons of exceptional length and girth. That's probably why we don't hear too many other guys talking about it.

Posted by: Jim at February 06, 2004 05:25 PM (IOwam)

4 LMAO.. I am sorry to laugh at your experience- it indeed is not funny, but I had to giggle a bit here.. on the flip side, I now have a better understanding of the turmoil men experience using the "sitter." I shall nag less about overspray issues. Just keep in mind though, that we ladies have our issues too.. when there is NO toilet about.. oh God I dont want to even think on it..LOL DSS.. thanks for the new term.. shall put that on my official dating application. *inner dialogue.. ohh he checked yes to having DSS.. potential suiter, approved.*

Posted by: cutetxblonde at February 08, 2004 03:17 PM (qX++Q)

5 If only one woman takes a kinder, more gentle approach towards MUI (male urination issues) then my work here has been successful.

Posted by: Jim at February 09, 2004 05:46 AM (saeHM)

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The Scene: Dopple-G and I are eating lunch and discussing the 7 year old who was suspended for saying 'hell'.

Dopple-G: You've got to be a little nervous about stuff like this, right? I mean, Bear's about to enter the vaunted public school system.

Me: Yeah, it's a definite concern.

Dopple-G: But he doesn't have a potty mouth, right?

Me: Nah. In fact, he does a good job keeping Lovely Wife and I straight. He does play The Butt Game with me though. more...

Posted by: Jim at 11:38 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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1 i realize the new templates been up for a while now, but i just wanted to say how excited i am you picked this one. i was secretly hoping you would back when you had all three up to choose from. Yay!

Posted by: jay at February 05, 2004 11:52 PM (vV+gc)

2 I AM CORHOLIO! I come from Lake Titicaca. My people - they have no bunghole.... ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!? Are you threatening my BUNGHOLIO?!?!

Posted by: Mike the Marine at February 06, 2004 09:02 AM (Zw7Hl)

3 The Butt game is cool, but not nearly as fun as the faahrt game. Sheew wee honey, you rotten - I wanna divorce.

Posted by: Clancy at February 06, 2004 11:43 AM (EGVPL)

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The Scene: A summer barbeque at our house. The sun is down and the rugrats are abed. Dopple-G, his wife, my own Lovely Wife and I are relaxing on the veranda with beers and cigars. Lovely Wife goes into the house to get a glass of wine. She returns with a bottle in one hand and a glass in the other. The bottle has about a half inch of wine in it.

Dopple-G: Why bother with a glass? There's barely a swig left in that bottle.

Lovely Wife: Because wine is drunk from glasses. Perhaps it's acceptable for Americans to drink from the bottle but I am European. I'm naturally more sophisticated.

At this point Lovely Wife is faced with a conundrum. Both hands have something in them. There are no flat surfaces ready at hand to put her glass upon. She solves the problem by biting the cork and spending considerable effort and no small amount of time to worry it out of the bottle. She then spits the cork across the veranda and prepares to pour the wine.

Dopple-G: (laughing) Oh, yeah. You're definitely more sophisticated. I probably would have used an armpit or something to get that out. And there's no way I could have spit that far for distance. Nowhere near sophisticated enough.

Lovely Wife realizes what she just did and starts laughing so hard that she drops her glass in the dirt. At this point she gives up and finishes off the wine with one good pull from the bottle.

So now you know why I call her Lovely Wife and not Sophisticated Wife.

Posted by: Jim at 10:23 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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It always knows.
The flavor of fruit.
Just follow my snoot!

This little ditty is lodged firmly in my head this morning. I have no idea where it came from. As far as I know this jingle was retired many, many years ago. I also haven't actually seen Toucan Sam in I don't know how long.

So why do I have this bloody annoying Fruit Loops jingle bouncing around my grey matter? What synapse misfired to bring this annoying stuff out of cranial retirement? Is it a warning sign of some grand mental problem lurking just beneath the surface?

Of course some people would clarify that as another grand mental problem lurking just beneath the surface. Because they're all out to get me and they do stuff like that. What was that noise?!

[mumble mumble mumble]

Posted by: Jim at 09:22 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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