The maximum acceptable number of children in a car is two. I have proof.

Burger (3): Where are we going?

Lovely Wife: We're going home now.

Bacon (4): Are we there yet?

Me: Yeah, we're there. Hop on out.

Bacon: Are not! We're still driving!

Me: Why so we are!

Burger: Where are we going?

Lovely Wife: We're going home!

Bacon: I want to go home!

Me: We are going home!

Burger: Where are we going?

Me: We're going to Disney World.

Bear (5): Really?!?

Me: No. We're going home.

Bear: That bites.

One is the magic number, Clancy.

Posted by: Jim at 03:19 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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I think we might need to declare the breakroom a conversation free zone.

Gal 1: Great haircut!

Gal 2: Thanks! You really like it?

Gal 1: Yeah! It really shows off your breasts.

I just can't imagine going up to a male coworker and saying "Hey, Tom - great haircut. It really makes your cock stand out."

Is it just me?

Posted by: Jim at 09:47 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Disclaimer: Vegans, vegetarians and lovers of cuddly animals should not read this entry, which has been courteously concealed in the extended entry. You've been warned.

(That disclaimer sort of makes the title to this post all menacing, doesn't it? Mwah hah hah hah!!) more...

Posted by: Jim at 12:26 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Well, that's the only explanation I can come up with for why I don't shed pubes all over the men's room like seemingly every other male employee in this office.

The bathrooms are scrubbed squeaky clean every day so I know it isn't an accumulation problem. I know for damned sure that I am not dropping curlies when I drain the vein. So is there an epidemic of sporadic nether hair loss in the company? There must be because by the time lunchtime comes around the urinals are outfitted for blizzard conditions.

Am I unusual for not spreading around my love floss? Is it something odd that I'm doing? Maybe I should only scrub Captain Happy for five minutes instead of fifteen in the morning shower so as not to dislodge any tentative sprouts?

Is the follicular presentation of my coworkers an intentional act? Perhaps I should be plucking a couple each time I decaffeinate to mark my territory like these other fellows do.

The only thing I know for sure is that the shag covering in the bathrooms is way nasty.

Posted by: Jim at 01:15 PM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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Late to class? Go see Intelligent Design 101 and Intelligent Design 102.

[Class assembles and Mr.Balsavage hands out the test results while welcoming the students]

Mr.Balsavage: Good morning class!

Class: Good morning, Mr.B!

Mr.B: I have some bad news, class. It seems that Michael Newdow has filed a Constitutional objection against our Intelligent Design class and the 9th Circuit Court has issued a court order regarding our test.

Class: Oh, no! more...

Posted by: Jim at 04:04 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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1 Jim, as usual, I doff my hat to your intelligence and wit!

Posted by: Rachel Ann at February 11, 2005 03:24 AM (rIATS)

2 I still think you suck. And I name you a flaming liberal. Note to all -- I called Jim last night to argue about this very topic. Although we agree on many topics, he just couldn't be made to see reason. I'm not going to disown him or anything, but still...

Posted by: Garret at February 11, 2005 07:53 AM (IOwam)

3 Nay, nay, Fluffy. I'm a flaming liberalist. (Definition "C" if you look it up on M-W.com)

Posted by: Jim at February 11, 2005 08:21 AM (MDLz3)

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If you're in the wrong class go to Intelligent Design 101 and catch up.

[Class convenes and Mr.Balsavage gathers up a stack of blank tests from his desk.]

Mr.Balsavage: Good morning class!

Class: Good morning, Mr.Balsavage!

Mr.B: Is everybody ready for the big test?

Class: Yeah!

Little Susie: No, I'm not ready. I have some questions. more...

Posted by: Jim at 01:56 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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1 I read that book - it's c) 42!!

Posted by: Clancy at February 09, 2005 02:34 PM (JxYJc)

2 I'm going to have to go with 42. Yep. *nods sagely*

Posted by: Claire at February 09, 2005 02:35 PM (FmPLy)

3 Still... you're wrong, Jim. Hyperbole or not, you have obvious bias. When you say 'trite theory' when referring to the Big Bang, you are showing your prejudice. I submit that the Big Bang is a trite theory. There is precicely as much logical/empherical proof that there was a Big Bang as there is for any creationist theory. In fact, I'd wager the argument for creationism is far more logical. The was that a human being is built, from the genetic level on up is incredibly beautiful and complex. In fact, the complexity and the way everything fits together speaks of some kind of intelligent design. Eat it.

Posted by: Garret at February 10, 2005 08:04 AM (IOwam)

4 Of course I'm biased. Everybody is biased. I'm biased against Creationism, you're biased against Evolution. So what? I have no problem with teaching the concepts and social realities of faith in schools. They're part of life. I do have a serious problem with beliefs of faith being passed off as science in order to sneak them into schools. So I make fun of it. It's how I cope with foolishness.

Posted by: Jim at February 10, 2005 08:21 AM (tyQ8y)

5 Why is teaching creation not science? Define science and how the Big Bang meets criteria that creation does not.

Posted by: Garret at February 10, 2005 01:30 PM (IOwam)

6 No. This argument has been going on forever and is currently going on all over the damned place. Elsewhere. I'm here to make fun of things, not debate the reasons why faith is not science.

Posted by: Jim at February 10, 2005 06:19 PM (MDLz3)

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Okay, this one's serious.

How much does a vending machine sandwich cost? Something like $2.50 to $3.00, right? How much does a fresh made deli sandwich cost at a place like the Atlanta Bread Company or Arbys? We're talking a buck or two more. And they're worth it.

If you had the choice between a vending machine sandwich that's been in there getting soggy and nasty for who knows how long or a fresh deli sandwich for a buck or two more, which would you take? The deli sandwich, obviously. The only reason people eat vending machine sandwiches is because they're there. They're convenient.

Offer deli quality sandwiches for the vending machine.

BOOM! Start raking in the money.

The reason vending machine sandwiches get so nasty is because they're all assembled already and the wet stuff turns the bread into a nasty mass that's a consistency somewhere between jello and the lung cookies that you hack up just as a chest cold is passing. Individually package the bread, meat and veggies. No more soggy bread. No more ham slices soaked in tomato juice. No more tomatoes squooshed into a red pulpy mass.

This is way bigger than the vending machine market, too. Sell them in supermarkets and you'll make a killing on people too freaking lazy time stressed to make their own sandwiches for lunch. Not to mention the people like me who thoroughly enjoy making a sandwich from scratch but can't stand to sacrifice an entire tomato since they can't use the rest of it.

I'm thinking a clamshell like the ones they sell Lunchables in. Hey, speaking of Lunchables this would put those suckers right out of business. If any Lunchables employees or shareholders are reading this, please contact me for job and investment opportunities.

Oh yes. This is the money maker. I can feel it!

Posted by: Jim at 08:44 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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So, Kansas is in the process of reducing the impact of the Theory of Evolution in their schools. This paves the way to the introduction of Creationism / Intelligent Design. Removing emphasis on the Evolutionary Theory is retarded. Yes it is a theory. So is Gravity. Darwin's brainchild is used today in the real world to do real things. Playing religio-political games with it will have only one realistic effect - stupid kids.

But what about Intelligent Design? I don't see a problem with putting this into school curriculums. School can be a terribly droll place and a bit of humor could really liven things up. Plus it would be one short-assed class with a test everybody was guaranteed to ace. That could be a big help meeting No Child Left Behind requirements.

So what would the class be like? Follow me into a journey into the near future as we attend Biology class at North Kansas Elementary School in the North Kansas City School District, Kansas City, Kansas. In today's lecture (this will be a several lecture series of posts) the kids are introduced to Intelligent Design. more...

Posted by: Jim at 03:23 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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You can get single slice wrapped cheese, right? And I don't mean just that slightly cheese-like processed food product called "American cheese" either. There's cream cheese in single serving packets, butter in single serving packets, salt and pepper in single serving packets. Hell, they even have single slice wrapped peanut butter and jelly for the unconscionably lazy over-busy parent.

Practically all of your sandwich needs are met with product available in unit sizes suitable to a sandwich with one notable exception.

Tomatoes.

You see, I like tomatoes. You could even say I love tomatoes. You'd be wrong, we just had that one weekend of wild sex, there was no genuine love involved except in the biblical sense, but you could still say it, this being a free country and all, and me with unmoderated comments.

I wonder how many English teachers I could kill with that last sentence.

Anywho... Nobody else in my family is particularly fond of tomatoes. You might even say they loathe tomatoes. Go ahead and say it - you'd be right this time.

So what is a man to do when he loves him some tomatoes on his tuna fish sandwich but tomato slices are available only in bulk form; that is, as a whole tomato. I don't eat enough sandwiches where I could actually use a whole tomato before the bulk of it went nasty and I am waaay too much of a cheap bastard frugal to just waste food like that.

Wouldn't single wrapped tomato slices be the bees knees? No? How about the gerbil's tits then? Yeah, that is a better expression - sorry about the bee thing.

Just imagine - any time you wanted a sandwich with two slices of tomato you just unwrap your individually wrapped tomato slices (available in Hearty Beefsteak (tm) or Classic Vine Ripe (tm) flavors). No cutting. No tomato guts seeping out. No wasted tomato!

So what are you waiting for? Get out there and start producing my tomato slices. I'm not a terribly sane patient man.

Hmmm... How about single sliced and wrapped lettuce?

Posted by: Jim at 06:23 AM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
Post contains 354 words, total size 2 kb.

Lovely Wife: I know why I felt so sick yesterday. I think I'm getting my period.

Me: You should quit that. They're really gross.

Bear: I've got my period too!

Lovely Wife: You do?

Bear: Yeah, right now.

Me: Are you flowing like a river?

Bear: No.

Me: Well that's good anyway.

Lovely Wife: Stop teasing him. He doesn't know what a period is.

Bear: Then what is a period?

Lovely Wife: It's a dot that goes at the end of a sentence.

Me: Or the sanguineous discharge of the lining of the placenta.

Lovely Wife: Is not!

Me: Oh, right. I mis-spoke. It's the uterus, not the placenta.

Bear: That's gross.

Me: That's what I've been trying to say!

Bear has a playdate today. I wonder how that's going...

Posted by: Jim at 12:40 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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1 "Are you flowing like a river?" I am relieved to note that men do actually know and use this term, and not just in reference to the Mississippi.

Posted by: Helen at February 01, 2005 02:28 PM (uFX1z)

2 Evil. Eeeevil. Pure evil. Sending him out on a play date with that kind of information. Report back, please, on the shock and horror his new information causes at said play date!

Posted by: RP at February 01, 2005 02:44 PM (LlPKh)

3 The only period I care to here about is the one at the end of the sentence. And if a discharge is involved, it better be honorable or dishonorable, or else my fingers go in my ears and I start singing LA LA LA LA LA LA LA! I believe Jeff Foxworthy once said something similar to the above...

Posted by: diamond dave at February 01, 2005 05:31 PM (rvmEE)

4 You do realize that one day this entire exchange is going to come back and bite you. Oh yes, my friend... oh yes it will... I can't wait for the post when it does. Grandma, Grandpa, his teacher... oh it is but a mystery who it will occur in front of, but I am thinking teacher. Heh.

Posted by: Boudicca at February 01, 2005 06:13 PM (z7nbM)

5 Interesting. I usually describe it as "the ripping of the uterine wall into a gush of blood." Might have to try this new tack.

Posted by: Simon at February 02, 2005 02:27 AM (OyeEA)

6 Boudicca makes an excellent point. Blog that when it happens, please.

Posted by: Victor at February 02, 2005 12:37 PM (L3qPK)

7 I linked this. Good Lord, Jim. You crack me up.

Posted by: Boudicca at February 02, 2005 10:01 PM (z7nbM)

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