In a word...revenge.

Young kids do not understand the concept of conservation of energy. They go flat out until they are out of juice and then they collapse wherever they are. When they've got the flu this can happen at the drop of a hat since their little bodies are already running low on go stuff and they tend to get knocked out by the flu medicine.

Yesterday at around 5:30 Lovely Wife noticed a sudden shift in the ambient noise level. I was on the love seat making hideous Magna-Doodle drawings for Burger and she was in the dining room. She called out "Is Bacon asleep?" Sure enough he was passed out on the couch. more...

Posted by: Jim at 02:15 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 534 words, total size 3 kb.

During this hectic holiday season there are a few things that we need to go over to insure my sanity and your continued good health.

1. Shopping on your lunch break is fine but the sense of urgency this creates for you is not the “life or death” type of thing that will get you out of a traffic ticket.
2. No matter how late you are getting back to the office, the laws of physics still say that you cannot go faster than the car in front of you.
3. That three feet of space you normally leave between my back bumper and your front bumper is sacred and should not be sacrificed no matter how desperate you are to get to Borders.
4. Stay the hell away from Pleasant Hill Road.
5. Those lanes that turn into forced right turns are still there even when they are full of traffic. If you donÂ’t want to turn right you need to get into another lane before you get into the intersection.
6. If you find yourself in the intersection turning right even though you don't want to, go ahead and turn right anyway. Sitting in your turn lane waiting for a break in the lane of traffic full of cars that got out of that right turn only lane in time will get your ass totaled by the Excursion carrying one very stressed mom and 3 screaming kids that is coming up behind you. The people behind her will cheer your destruction.
7. Do NOT match your vehicle speed to the ambient temperature.
8. When the left turn arrow turns red this means you are not supposed to enter the intersection. They picked that color because it is exactly the fucking same as a red light. If you are in the intersection when the red arrow makes its appearance you may continue out of the intersection. If you are not yet into the intersection then stay right the hell where you are.
9. If you are the fifth or succeeding car to blow through the red arrow by playing choo-choo train with the car in front of you I will shoot you dead.

Posted by: Jim at 02:31 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 365 words, total size 2 kb.

Bacon: I peed my pants.
(Bacon is a card carrying member of the CAP Society. That's Children Against Parents. Their methods are nefarious, devious and purely evil.)

Lovely Wife: What? You just went potty before we got in the car! Why did you pee your pants?
(Lovely Wife has recently joined POTLaN, better known as Parents On Their Last Nerve.)

Bacon: I don't know.
(CAP members are highly trained to withstand the fiercest interrogation.)

Bear: Because we don't have a bathroom in here!
(As the CAP Team Leader, Bear launches a flanking attack to support his troops.)

Lovely Wife: Gah!
(Bear's flanking attack is successful. Lovely Wife's adult thought processes cannot switch gears fast enough to counter his devious non sequitir.)

Bear and Bacon smile, content in their victory as Lovely Wife and I devolve into a laughing fit.

Posted by: Jim at 07:24 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 141 words, total size 1 kb.

The family had to be based in freaking New York. Upright, uptight Atlantic state New York, a place of unbridled acceptance of general morality. My life could have been so much cooler if my family was from West Virginia. It's warmer, which is something I've really come to appreciate since moving to Georgia. Lots more scenery and nice mountains. Western New York has no mountains. They even frown upon hills there. And most importantly, in West Virginia they let you boff your cousins. more...

Posted by: Jim at 10:41 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 349 words, total size 2 kb.