From the ride in today:

Burger: I see an alien!

Lovely Wife: An alien?

Burger: Yeah! An alien! It's right there.

Me: They prefer 'undocumented worker'.

Burger: Right there!

Lovely Wife: [Pointing to a vehicle a bit ahead] I think he means that 'ambulance'.

Me: [Pointing to a road crew] He's right either way.

Posted by: Jim at 12:46 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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A reader over at Ilyka's place had a question in the comments. Specifically, is it possible to survive this type of set-up question with scrotum and relationship intact. The happy answer is yes, though it is often not easy.

The absolute first response to this question is to run screaming from the room. Barring that (for example, if the door is barred) you may be able to defuse the situation by ignoring the question with a compliment.

Her: Honey, does this dress make me look fat?

Him: Baby, you look gorgeous.

Note the compliment and the complete avoidance of the question.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Do not, under any circumstances, add the words "to me" at the end of the compliment.

If the avoidance/compliment doesn't work you can try a distraction technique.

Her: I know I look beautiful to you [notice she used the "to you" even though he specifically avoided that trap. This is known as a trap within a trap or more commonly "The Bundy Offense".], but I really want your opinion. Does this dress make me look fat?

Him: What that dress really needs is a new set of diamond earrings. Do we have time to stop at the jewelers?

Note again the critical and skillful avoidance of the actual question. Dodge and weave, dodge and weave.

If both of these techniques fail there is still one method left to preserve your manhood and relationship.

Her: Will you knock it off and just answer the question? Do I look fat in this dress or not?

Him: [clutches chest] ARGGGGGHHH!!!

The fake heart attack will only work two or three times before she catches on so use it sparingly.

Posted by: Jim at 11:30 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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I know that you are efficiency minded but sometimes corners should not be cut and procedures should not be rushed. This could be for any number of reasons including quality, performance or, in this particular case, etiquette.

What I am specifically referring to is your behavior in the men's room this morning. You may recall that when you entered said bathroom I was already occupying the first urinal. You quickly analyzed the situation and correctly (according to the tenets of the Big Book of Men's Room Etiquette) proceeded to the last urinal. My concern is with your actions while traveling to your post.

It was particularly unnerving to be in the semi-compromised position mandated when urinating to hear your zipper open when you were directly behind me. Furthermore your motions and mannerisms, as well as your speed off the blocks, showed that you had already taken the tool in hand before arriving at your destination.

To reiterate, these two actions (unzipping behind another man and walking through the bathroom with your cock in hand) are both egregious violations of the BBMRE. I trust that merely bringing these errors to your attention will suffice to correct these deficiencies but I must warn you that I am prepared to retaliate if this behavior continues. I have homemade pea soup in storage and I am not afraid to use it.

Regards,
Jim Peacock

Posted by: Jim at 10:05 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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1 You're giving him a written warning? You're getting soft in your old age, Jim.

Posted by: Harvey at January 13, 2005 10:33 AM (tJfh1)

2 Come now Harvey. You know that it is the anticipation of retaliation, not the retaliation itself, which most strikes fear in the hearts of evil doers.

Posted by: Jim at January 13, 2005 10:39 AM (tyQ8y)

3 Sometimes I am just really really glad I'm a woman...

Posted by: Boudicca at January 13, 2005 10:54 AM (z7nbM)

4 I say let slip the peas of war!!!

Posted by: Rob at January 13, 2005 11:46 AM (kXZI6)

5 I've said this before to myself, but this time I mean it: Jim, this is the LAST time I read your blog while on a conference call!!! Trying to pretend that I had coffee go down the wrong pipe gets old, you know?

Posted by: RP at January 13, 2005 12:23 PM (LlPKh)

6 "Furthermore your motions and mannerisms, as well as your speed off the blocks, showed that you had already taken the tool in hand before arriving at your destination." That's a fine piece of business writing, Jim. If I heard a zipper open behind me in that situation I think I would have turned around and sprayed the bastard, nonchallantly. You know...let him know that kind of shit's not right.

Posted by: Paul at January 13, 2005 12:30 PM (vbP6L)

7 Jim, you never read the appendices in the BBMRE. It's obvious to me this man was micro-seconds away from pissing in his pants ("your motions and mannerisms, as well as your speed off the blocks"). It's happened to you, admit it: You have to go, bad, but you're stuck in traffic. As you get closer and closer to home, the need arises more and more; as you park the car, you're all but dancing in your seat. As your hand fumbles with the door key, you find you have to pinch that puppy closed, and (provided there are no children present) you, too, have unzipped in the hallway during the mad dash to the porcelain convenience. Dude, when a man has to go a man has to go, and that man had to go! Cut him some slack, bro!

Posted by: Victor at January 13, 2005 12:58 PM (L3qPK)

8 Yes, Victor, I've been there before but never in this bathroom. You see I am on the 2nd floor and the only way up is on an elevator. That elevator is right next to a bathroom. No, if his need was so urgent upon arriving at work he would have taken care of business before waiting for an elevator. Also, he was unencumbered by coffee cup, lunch or briefcase. The traffic induced bladder emergency exemption just won't work here.

Posted by: Jim at January 13, 2005 01:06 PM (tyQ8y)

9 Ah, with more details we begin to see more and more of the picture. So the bathroom is located next to the elevator on the first floor? Our building is laid out in similar fashion (the johns are near the elevators) except for the first floor. I must say, tho: While the time of day adds support to your side, your noticing of details shows you, yourself, violate one of the Rules of Men's Room Etiquette: No checking out other guys while in the can.

Posted by: Victor at January 13, 2005 02:50 PM (L3qPK)

10 It was a fear reaction. In the moment of decision of the fight or flight response you have amazing clarity.

Posted by: Jim at January 13, 2005 03:07 PM (tyQ8y)

11 Hmph. Men!

Posted by: Kate at January 13, 2005 10:57 PM (8c4Q2)

12 I am with Boudicca here; so glad that my anatomy has required more priavate accomadations all around. Hmm, perhaps America should have family type bathrooms. In Ulpan, and in a few other places, there are bathrooms where the toilets are enclosed completely by the stalls, and the sinks are outside. It took awhile to get use to seeing a guy come out of one stall, but it wasn't really inconvienent and posed no real problems at all.

Posted by: Rachel Ann at January 14, 2005 04:58 AM (iQxKa)

13 We HAVE family bathrooms here in America! Its awefull.......two men and their combined four sons pissing in the sink while mom took the seat.......wonderfull!LOL

Posted by: LW at January 14, 2005 06:29 AM (GCA5m)

14 In the moment of decision of the fight or flight response you have amazing clarity. Excellent point. Thanks for...clarifying...

Posted by: Victor at January 14, 2005 09:57 AM (L3qPK)

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We had Lovely Wife's homemade pea soup for dinner last night. Mmmmmmmm. Most of you have probably never had homemade pea soup; it's a vanishing art here in the States. Lovely Wife makes her soups old school style. She starts with a big pork butt bone, does some magic thing to get the flavor out of it, strips the meat, slow cooks the dried split peas, hand mashes the stuff and oh my Lord is it good stuff.

But it's more than just a fantastic dinner. You see peas, like their cousin beans, are a musical fruit. Pea soup for dinner means more than just a delightful repast. For a person like me it means ammo.

My strike runs are already planned. There'll be some cubical bombs dropped today.

Oh, yeah!

Posted by: Jim at 08:19 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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[The scene: The boys are in the tub. Lovely Wife and I are having a conversation while they are relatively quiet. ]

Me: [To Lovely Wife] So I'm going to be involved in setting up KPIs for the company as well as metrics for Development.

Bear: [Interrupts] What's that?

Lovely Wife: What? Metrics?

Bear: No, kaypeeayes.

Me: It's an acronym. KPI stands for "key process indicator".

Lovely Wife: Do you know what that means?

Bear: No.

Lovely Wife: Can you figure it out?

Bear: Well, an indicator is like a light or something so it's probably a light to help you find your keys.

Lovely Wife: You're pretty good at figuring stuff out bear but...

Bear: [Interrupts] I know. I'm brilliant.

Lovely Wife: You're brilliant?

Bear: Yeah. I'm even smarter than you. more...

Posted by: Jim at 07:47 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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1 I LOVE your Bear. I bet he is too smarter than an Octopus. He is clearly smarter than Henry the Octopus - have you seen that guy's hat? Have I told you lately that your site is all that and a bag of barbequed chips? Because it SO is.

Posted by: Elizabeth at January 12, 2005 10:08 AM (BHf3Z)

2 Thanks, Elizabeth. Personally I think toe sludge is smarter than Henry the Octopus. Man that thing's irritating. Actually the penguin is even worse. Who thought that a morose passive/agressive penguin would be a good character in a children's show? Yeesh! No, wait a sec. I'm thinking of Oswald. Is Henry the one from The Wiggles? Damned octopi. Hey, I wonder - If our Bear's meet would it be more like matter and anti-matter coming together or two highly charged polarly aligned plates? Heh.

Posted by: Jim at January 12, 2005 10:34 AM (tyQ8y)

3 Stories like that are the only things that make me think I might want kids after all.

Posted by: 8ZERO8 at January 12, 2005 05:53 PM (cxdq0)

4 I'm not happy to admit I know all your references. The Penguin is in Oswald. Henry is in the Wiggles. Blech. I help with the kindergarten PE classes at our school. I have some kid telling me that he's trying to be as smart as an ostrich. Maybe he really meant octopus...

Posted by: Boudicca at January 13, 2005 10:59 AM (z7nbM)

5 From when I was little I swor to myself that I will NEVER EVER have kids.Then I "accidentially" had one and the crack party started.I think they keep us young by making us laugh our asses off. Afterall,It is clinically proven that laughing keeps you healthy! Yet.....on days like today........ANYONE WANT MY KIDS?? I'll proceed to Ebay now......

Posted by: LW at January 13, 2005 11:35 AM (GCA5m)

6 LOL. Loved this story. Can't wait until mine hit 5 yrs old. It sounds like it will be fun.

Posted by: vw bug at January 16, 2005 09:09 PM (YcCf5)

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The quality of Nigerian scams has degraded so much over the past couple of years. Just look at this piece of garbage I got today:

Hello,

My greetings.

I got your email address from a casual enquiry wherein I sought for trustworthy potential partners with whom to go into business with in the investment of some contact funds ( $ 8,500,000.00 U.S ) currently trapped. It is my hope that you will be of assistance in helping me free the trapped funds, transfer it, and put it to investment purpose. 10% of the funds will accrue to you for your assistance.

The source of the funds are as follows: During the last military regime in my country,government officials awarded contracts that were grossly over-invoiced to Contractors. The present civilian government set up the Contract Review Panel, and mandated it to use the instruments of payments made available to it by the decree setting up the panel, to review those contracts and if necessary pay those who are being owed outstanding amounts.I have identified the above mentioned sum which have been lying unclaimed for years and would like to transfer and invest it.My position as a current serving Civil servant forbids me from operating foreign Bank accounts, this is why I need your assistance.

Here is where you come in : I need you to furnish me with the following information :
1. YOUR FULL NAMES
2. BUSINESS NAMES
3. ADDRESS
4. TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS

With these information, I will forward an application for payment in your busines's favour and ensure that it is approved. Upon the transfer of the funds, I will meet with you in your country so that we can go into investment after sharing in the agreed percentages ( 10% for you ).

Please do reply,

Olawale

I mean - that is truly pathetic. It breaks my heart to see the fine tradition of Nigerian scamming headed straight into the shit heap. Being me, I could not let this go without expressing myself. My reply is in the extended entry. more...

Posted by: Jim at 03:22 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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My New Years resolutions are a bit different from most people's. Like I explained last year I don't have a lot of interest in them. If something needs changing I change it when I recognize the problem. Plus, my inner reflection cycle tends to hit at around my birthday and not the end of the year (yet more proof of my inherent egocentricity).

Last year I made resolutions that were guaranteed winners. If I kept them that meant I had succeeded in keeping a resolution. If I broke them it meant I was actually better off personally. I like to play with a fixed deck don't ya know.

This year I'm stacking the deck in a different manner and my resolutions are absolutely genuine. They're just easier to reach than most others.

Baby steps. Baby steps.

In 2005 I resolve to:

1. Dance like a whirling dervish on crack when Osama gets his multiple 5.56 mm plumbum injections.


2. Laugh from deep in my belly when Michael Moore's next propaganda film crashes and dies at the box office.


3. Repeat #1 but with an Irish jig.


4. Say "I told you so" repeatedly and with conviction.


5. Assume a glassy eyed stare whenever a wingnut or moonbat opens his gob to emit vomitous rhetoric.


6. Maybe a little more #1 with a dash of extra #2.


7. Stop making numbered lists.


8. Change my mind about #7.


9. Eventually make those damned cookies!


10. Lots and lots of sleeping.

There. That's a healthy list of 10 resolutions. I am on the road to personal success and satisfaction now.

Feel free to chime in with your own in the comments. I must warn you though - if I get the impression that they are serious attempts at self improvement I will heckle you mercilessly.

Posted by: Jim at 11:52 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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1 Hey, if you dance like a dervish, use your hand to spot. If you get dizzy, spin the other way. Repeat. I'll be joining you

Posted by: Jacqui at January 07, 2005 10:33 PM (x268O)

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It was a beautiful sunny day. One of those superior Saturdays in July with eighty something degree temperature and a delightful little breeze. We took the boys down the the town green in Duluth. There is a big open fountain that the kids love to play in and a ready supply of water for the numerous squirt guns that anti-social folk like us keep ready to hand.

We had a blast with only a few threats of death by strangulation for our aquatic mischief. There was a minor issue when we discovered a lack of dry clothing to change into. A bag had been forgotten when we packed up the van. We solved the problem by enjoying some ice cream cones while we waited for our clothes to dry. Not having a new pull-up for Burger was a concern but we sat him down on a few towels in case there was an accident in the van.

On the way home we decided to stop at Blockbuster. There was a new GameCube in the house and the Bear was dying to get something to play. This turned out to be a less than ideal decision. You see, the children were almost completely re-energized by the rest at the end of play and were now highly fueled by the sugar rich ice cream snack. We were not so much looking for things to rent as we were herding cats.

We split up in an attempt to cover more territory. The boys seemed to be gravitating toward the tower of games display where every console system is set up with demo games. I was stationed in this area keeping an eye on Bear and Bacon as Lovely Wife tried to quickly find a rental so we could escape. more...

Posted by: Jim at 11:55 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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1 OMG....I had TOTALLY forgotten about this one! Damn.....I am in tears now!LOLLOLLOL

Posted by: LW at January 05, 2005 12:06 PM (GCA5m)

2 Bursting out laughing while pretending to work..IN A LIBRARY...is no good, J-Snooze! Shame on you! GREAT story!!

Posted by: DeAnna at January 05, 2005 12:47 PM (IdVP4)

3 Oops, I just pinged that twice. I haven't learned of the miraculous auto-tattling thing that MT does yet...

Posted by: Tiffany at January 05, 2005 12:59 PM (R2wme)

4 Now that was a web log!

Posted by: matt at January 05, 2005 04:48 PM (73eJg)

5 Burger deserves a high-five for that one. He expressed my opinion PERFECTLY about Blockbuster. A company that is on my shit list (excuse the pun) for life...

Posted by: diamond dave at January 05, 2005 04:52 PM (OPflN)

6 that's some real shit...

Posted by: Clancy at January 05, 2005 05:06 PM (JxYJc)

7 Ohmahgawd. I totally forgot my own rule wherein I don't visit your site when anyone else in the house might be sleeping. The screaming laughter is generally not appreciated. God, I love your kids.

Posted by: Margi at January 06, 2005 03:09 AM (rKX9f)

8 Oh God. ALl I could keep thinking was: Please don't kick it under the shelf and do a runner. Please don't kick it under the shelf and do a runner. Please don't kick it under the shelf and do a runner. If anyone needs me, I am coming down from the Valium.

Posted by: Helen at January 06, 2005 06:13 AM (QL3eA)

9 I'm putting on my "smugly childless" look right now :-)

Posted by: Harvey at January 06, 2005 01:54 PM (tJfh1)

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The boys are illin'. It started on Sunday with Bear. A 103 degree fever, listless apathy and miserability. Sore throat, no appetite, unquenchable thirst. All you parents out there are thinking "strep", right? So were we.

Sunday night featured Burger getting it. He was up the entire night crying and whining, just totally miserable. Monday morning brought Bacon into the mix with symptoms even more severe than the others.

A look down the throats Monday eve showed severe red irritation and white spots. Strep. Egad! After a relatively unsuccessful dinner of Jim's super-fluffy scrambled eggs (traditional sicko comfort food) we packed up the miserable lot and headed to the urgent care center. more...

Posted by: Jim at 11:55 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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