Apparently my behavior at work hasn't been up to par as of late (the past five years). I received a memo, via e-mail, of things I'm no longer allowed to do at work. I'm not sure if I should read too much into this, as it's probably my boss's idea of a joke. But he's serious it's going to be awfully dull around here.

The List:

• Leave open cans of potted meat or sardines in the boss's office; I was only offering him a mid-day snack.
• Set the "On Hold" Music to the Llama Song.
• Fill the boss's desk drawers with Styrofoam packing peanuts.
• Set the boss's computer up with a Barbie, Sponge Bob Square Pants, Fraggle Rock or Muppets Themes.

Posted by: phin at 02:11 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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My girlfriend and I have the unwritten rule of three-

This is, simply put- A free pass to sleep with three pre-agreed upon famous people should we ever get the chance. ItÂ’s a nice little semi-harmless exercise- We get to hoot, whistle and drool unabashedly in front of each other when any of the five chosen ones appear on TV.
Yes, I did say five. (More on that in a minute..)

more...

Posted by: Rob P at 11:10 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Helen has a list of demands for the world at large. It's good stuff - mostly common sense things like having an option for a non-shedding cat (besides those nasty hairless ones, of course). I put a couple of my own in her comments but my brain has been on fire since then and has regurgitated its own list.

Dear World, the following are my demands:

* Stop making hot sauces turn my ass into a fiery red inferno of pain and bloody leakage the next day. I know back in the day that this was a mark of honor and gave me bragging rights to show off my consumption of deadly spices but these days I'm not showing off at all. Honest. I just like the taste and would like to enjoy it without the specter of a disintegrating colon hanging over my head.

* Please throw whatever switch is needed in women's heads so they'll understand that it is not necessary to have any particular objective in mind in order to purchase a reciprocating saw. Having a reciprocating saw is self justifying just because it is. more...

Posted by: Jim at 10:21 AM | Comments (18) | Add Comment
Post contains 531 words, total size 3 kb.

1 Placing the words "disintegrating colon" in the top entry might have been a bad idea. I just didn't have the stomach to venture further. Reordering might be in order.

Posted by: Tig at May 13, 2005 11:13 AM (CWhYh)

2 That's there intentionally. To set the mood, know what I mean?

Posted by: Jim at May 13, 2005 11:18 AM (tyQ8y)

3 I want a working hallodeck.

Posted by: Paul at May 13, 2005 11:22 AM (vbP6L)

4 Considering that whoever is filling these demands is going to start with the easiest to fill, I would like it to be known that I want a sit-on-top ocean kayak. For one person or two, it doesn't matter. I'll let Paul use it if he shares the hallodeck every once in a while.

Posted by: shank at May 13, 2005 11:32 AM (+H1yK)

5 You are really in touch with your backside today-4 of those have to do with the nether regions.. Aww, what the hell. (We'll call it "anal awareness") In college, we had three main sources of nutrition- Beer, ramen noodles and 10 cent wings. The after effects of beer mixed with speech defect-inducing hot sauce were affectionately referred to as "Sh*tting a running chainsaw" or "giving birth to aliens". Oh- And I want to be invisible for a day so I can hide in the ladies room and lift all the seats.

Posted by: Rob P at May 13, 2005 12:20 PM (i3q83)

6 Here's the trick with the reciprocating saw. Just go buy one, but keep it hidden from the wife. Once you have one, you will find a need for it, I promise. When I bought mine I wasn't sure what I'd need it for. And now I've used it on just about every project to date. Anyway - once you have the saw and you've identified several uses for it, start the project and stop midway (while the house is a mess) and declare your need for the saw. The wife will relent. Then, you can go to the range and drive a bucket of balls (while she thinks you're out buying a saw you already own). It's just a shame that LW reads these posts - I'm sure you could have gotten away with this!

Posted by: Clancy at May 13, 2005 01:51 PM (JxYJc)

7 Clancy,I have the financial and bank access....no hiding for him anyways.hehehe Jim.....about the hot sauce:THIS is coming out the mouth of the one who cooks that hot crap and risks that wife and kids suffocate while you do that?LOLLOL

Posted by: LW at May 13, 2005 02:43 PM (MDLz3)

8 At least you know that you're not the only one who's suffering. ;-)

Posted by: Jim at May 13, 2005 02:46 PM (tyQ8y)

9 yeah...and while you're making your demand for minivans to be cool, why don't you ask for something equally preposterous--like hilary clinton turning from the dark side or Ted Kennedy drying up.

Posted by: Pam at May 13, 2005 03:15 PM (D1bQr)

10 Jim, I have a Sanyo 4900 and it has an Airplane Mode. I know Sprint has a couple other phones that have that. I'm not sure about other carriers, although I would think there has to be other phones that have that feature.

Posted by: Ryan at May 13, 2005 03:19 PM (ZfnIz)

11 Come on now, a cool minivan is at least THEORETICALLY possible. I bet they could turn out a sweet one on "Pimp my Ride".

Posted by: Jim at May 13, 2005 03:23 PM (tyQ8y)

12 Ryan - Sweet! Item #3 is already being granted. The rest of them should fall like dominos.

Posted by: Jim at May 13, 2005 03:25 PM (tyQ8y)

13 theory aint reality, bub. hehe... P.S. I have driven a minivan for 10 years and rarely if EVER do i get even an acknowledgement from masareti owners.hehe.. On the flipside, i drove my husbands '68 buick once and I got LOTS of attention. Granted, it was from illegal mexicans, but a girl's gotta take what she can get! ;-)

Posted by: Pam at May 13, 2005 03:37 PM (D1bQr)

14 "Does poop really need to smell that bad" I never really knew I could gag from bad smelling poop until we got a dog. I know when I get old and have to live on dog food I know which brand I won't be buying. Blech.

Posted by: Machelle at May 13, 2005 03:49 PM (ZAyoW)

15 I'd like a 'This is gonna come up and bite you in the ass' flag, built into MS Project. This week, it would've come in handy. Pass me my whoopee cushion.

Posted by: knpepper at May 13, 2005 05:16 PM (ehn/V)

16 All I want is teleportation... that's it. No traffic jams, no being late to work, and being able to hit Starbucks on the spur of the moment. My poop could gag me to death as long as I had teleportation.

Posted by: Wendy at May 14, 2005 02:25 AM (lVGGv)

17 Gimme a "T" Gimmie an "M" Gimmie an "I" [running chainsaw?!? yikes] Here's a couple of ideas born out of experience: If the lady doesn't see the inherent value in that saw, let her use it for a while. [In my case] that would involve showing her the basics, leaving the book handy [yes, men, these things come with The Book] and then going away for a while and letting her play with it. 'Til she's done. If that's a no-go, make the saw / shoes analogy. "The perfect project / outfit *will* come along; then where will I be?"

Posted by: Claire at May 14, 2005 11:46 AM (l1oyw)

18 A big YES from the House of Bou on the cool state of the mini-van. I'm tired of being the asexual Mom person who drives a mini-van. I'd think the probabiity of getting colon cancer is significantly smaller if you're constantly burning it out...

Posted by: Boudicca at May 14, 2005 03:47 PM (z7nbM)

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The argument between the Creationists/Intelligent Design people and the Scientific/Many Pens in the Pocket community is a fiery and contentious thing. The battle is waged in the legislature, in school boards around the country and in uncountable online communities and their offline equivalent, Starbucks.

I always counted myself among the enlightened skeptics until this morning in the shower when I realized that there really did have to be something behind the design of the human body. There is one feature of the male body that is so perfectly designed for its use that the mere thought that it might have resulted from happenstance is simply ludicrous. One area that if it were even marginally different would have spelled the extinction of our race.

I speak of course of the male's lack of boobies. Imagine if you will a world where men had boobies. Men are unable to resist the draw of a boobie. We are genetically programmed to want to play with them (that's why they call them "fun bags" you know). We want to fondle them, jiggle them, wiggle them and squoosh them into a single virtual boobie with two nipples. Speaking of nipples, we have a serious fixation with manipulating those suckers too.

Imagine what things would be like if every man on the planet had a pair of boobies that they were allowed to play with at any time. No constructive work would ever be done. Meetings, already a bastion of inefficiency, would become a total farce as nobody would be paying attention except perhaps for a moment or two between sessions of fondling their boobies.

Sales of disposable razors would skyrocket though. Furry boobies are a major turn-off so most guys would be shaving their chests. That would of course add considerable time to a guy's morning routine. Not only the time spent shaving the boobies but the aftermath of the shaving itself. Seriously now, what do you think would happen when a guy was confronted by a well lathered set of boobies? Tardiness at work would be a huge problem.

It's obvious then that men don't have boobies for a reason. If the Creationists ever get a hold on this argument they'll easily win the whole debate.

Posted by: Jim at 09:58 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
Post contains 380 words, total size 2 kb.

I just figured this out and it is so cool I had to share it with all of you. Every word really does mean 'nads'. Just put it in the right context and BLAMMO, it's nads. Here's an example:

He missed the line drive and the ball smacked him right in the wall socket.

Now 'wall socket' doesn't ordinarily mean 'nads', right? Well, not in your everyday conversation anyway. But just by creating the imagery of a guy getting a line drive in the groin we've made a normally placid and harmless word mean 'nads'. Isn't that great?

Here's another one:

Never drive naked. Bob did that last Tuesday and got his block and tackle stuck to the seat.

Hee hee hee. I feel so naughty. I'll never think of pulleys the same way again.

Hey, wouldn't 'pulleys' be a good euphemism for wanking off? Just thought of that.

Sorry. Got sidetracked. Back to the nads. This is just the coolest thing. I'll be doing this for hours.

Go ahead. Try it for yourselves.

Posted by: Jim at 12:04 PM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
Post contains 182 words, total size 1 kb.

In a couple of weeks we'll be traveling to Spokane. I'm going to basically be on blog-hiatus for eight days. The Snooze gets bitchy and moody if I ignore it for more than a weekend so it is imperative that I find a couple of blogsitters. If you are interested in putting up some content while I'm off gallivanting just submit the following application* in the comments: more...

Posted by: Jim at 12:48 PM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
Post contains 348 words, total size 3 kb.

1 Jim, I grew up in Spokane. You have my sympathies

Posted by: The Webwench at May 02, 2005 09:21 PM (/vHVW)

2 1. Diamond Dave (you know my real name) 2. Last weekend 3. 36 4. Blue 5. FartBlast 6. Yes 7. Not yet (but almost) 8. Lawrenceville PD 9. Machiavellian (but I really prefer Klingon) 10. OK, but you asked for it 11. Whadafuk? 12. hanging tongue 13. Thank you! 14. Well, I could tryyyy...... 15. If I had to. 16. I'm tired of growing up. I want to go back to kindergarten. 17. Musings about life and death and everything in between. 18. Jealous, are you? 19. Tae kwon do, netsurfing, sex. 20. You asked. 21. Actually this looked like a good questionnaire, so I commented. I sometimes think up something good, but not on a regular basis (which is why I don't have my own blog). I don't need any more responsibility, so you don't have to choose me. Seriously. I'm happy with the occasional Snoozebob post. As far as energy sources, let's fuel power plants by incinerating garbage. We'll never run out of that.

Posted by: diamond dave at May 02, 2005 09:22 PM (OPflN)

3 1. Denise 2. As often as I can get it. 3. Never ask a woman her age! But if you really want to know .... OLD! 4. Blue 5. None that i know of, unless you consider multiple personalities a super power. 6. No 7. NO. 8. If it happens, I am sure that it would be Harvey. 9. Hasn't happened yet. 10. HELL NO. 11. Who cares. 12. hanging testicles 13. Sorry. 14. Not really. 15. Yes. 16. I don't wanna grow up. I wanna be a Toys R Us kid. 17. No clue. 18. Not really. 19. Sex, reading, playing BHD. 20. That bad, huh? 21. Trick question. You didn't say open your booklet.

Posted by: Denise at May 03, 2005 12:26 PM (JTlEe)

4 Hey! Spo-caine ain't all THAT bad. ;o) As for your applications -- I dunno about guest-posting, but I think we got ourselves a love connection here. Denise, meet Dave. Dave, Denise. It could be a cute first date type post. [Forgetitall if you're already married n' shit. I ain't no homewrecker.]

Posted by: Margi at May 03, 2005 06:24 PM (lWAiX)

5 You're right, it does kinda look like a first-date post. I am married, however.

Posted by: diamond dave at May 03, 2005 10:08 PM (OPflN)

6 LOL ..... Hi Dave. Hi Margi! By the way, I am married too!

Posted by: Denise at May 04, 2005 06:42 AM (JTlEe)

7 Yikes. Now this is starting to sound like a swingers board...

Posted by: diamond dave at May 04, 2005 04:35 PM (r8BvQ)

8 Nothing wrong with that!

Posted by: Jim at May 05, 2005 03:56 PM (tyQ8y)

9 Hmm..... looks like you got only two biters Jim! LOL Maybe it was the length of the application?! Or, that no one feels they could live up to your story telling abilities? *tilting head*

Posted by: Denise at May 05, 2005 05:24 PM (JTlEe)

10 1) Rob 2) Male 3) Younger than dirt, older than your kids. 4) Green. As in the lovely color o' cash. 5) Tantric Sex. Except when someone else is in the room. 6) Nope. I'm a compulsive commenter- Failed comment rehab twice. 7) Why, yes. Yes I have. No one. I was feeling needy and wanted the attention. 9) I inflicted myself upon the general public. 'Nuff said. 10) Pfft. Please. 11) Who cares. I have enough imaginary friends to have an imaginary life. Don't need no steenking bennifer. 12) Levels of sodium and nitrates. Maybe that's why he licks himself. 13) *bows* 14) Nope. But you can fix it. 15) Maybe. I am a geek after all. 16) Hugh Heffner, circa 1980's. 17) Inane observations, pithy quotes and quips. 1 That's twice- I'm getting good at this, no? 19) I have no "hobbies". I have "part-time obsession disorder". Hobbies are for bingo-addicted Grandmas and basement dwelling gamerz. I am a wild-eyed pamphleteer, a picker and a grinner and a total dork. 20) No instructions to open said (and nonexistent) booklets were given as of yet. I will wait, imperiously tapping my foot. Still waiting. Fine. I'm leaving. Who needs your dumb booklet. It's probably pictures of you and that cow. (BTW, the cow called. She says you never write, you never call, and she wants to know about this rash she has.)

Posted by: Rob at May 06, 2005 08:45 AM (i3q83)

11 Hah! Take that, Denise!

Posted by: Jim at May 06, 2005 09:52 AM (tyQ8y)

12 Application out of pity? LOL HA! Take that Jimbo! LOL

Posted by: Denise at May 06, 2005 12:43 PM (JTlEe)

13 Oops, read this post too fast for the brain to entirely catch and thought you were on hiatus NOW. Mea buggery culpa. However, then, you have no excuse to take up the challenge I tossed at you in my last post. Neener.

Posted by: LeeAnn at May 06, 2005 02:01 PM (vqSdN)

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