So the other day we were out enjoying the beautiful Atlanta weather. Bear spontaneously started dancing a little jig and singing to himself.

[spin, twist, dip]

Hey now there you

[cabbage patch with head bob]

Can I punch you

[shoulder shake, butt shake]

In the

[stop moving, protracted pause after looking up and realizing everybody is watching, revert to normal voice]

I have no idea what I'm talking about.

So politics are not in the future. He's going to have way too many skeletons in the closet.

Things are looking good for being the next prophet of Scientology though.

Posted by: Jim at 01:42 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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The Production Manager at my old job in Buffalo had a green plastic button on his desk labeled "Make Everything Go Smoothly". It was just a plastic novelty piece and obviously didn't do anything but when things got stressful he's press it and it would make him feel better. Sort of a psychological soothing feeling came from pressing that worthless button. I just discovered that this concept is widely implemented.

Elevator doors irritate me. When you are moving toward them they are closing. When everybody is on or off the elevator they stand open. There's a solution for the latter one though - the "Close Doors" button. But does this button do anything? It makes you feel better when you press it. You are actually doing something concrete to address your current situation. It is empowering. But is it useful? It never actually seems to make the doors close any faster than they normally would.

Just now, on an impulse (I get these quite often when I'm alone on in an elevator), I popped the "Close Doors" button out of the console. While it was definitely a button it was no more functional than my old PM's magic green button. There was nothing behind the button at all. Just empty space and the unfinished interior wall of the elevator.

I can't decide what to do now - spread the information around to the people here or keep it my secret and giggle inside whenever I see somebody pressing the magic button.

Or maybe a mixture of the two? Wait until the satisfied expression lights up the face of the button presser and then give the news that their action is ultimately worthless.

Yeah, I think that last option is the one I'll go with.

Posted by: Jim at 12:25 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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I helped to move Dopple-G this weekend. He (fortunately) wasn't in the immediate area to hear most some of these:

Oh! That was unfortunate.

Did you just hit the wall with that truck?
No.
[crunch]
How about now?

A little masking tape and that hutch will be as good as new.

[At a stop light a black Denali (that's a big-ass SUV, in case you're not familiar) with oversized racing tires drove past.]
You've really got to feel sorry for a guy with a penis that small.

That dresser will go in the bedroom.
Really? Thanks, Galileo.

So that's what 'fragile' means.

What the hell is on that mattress?
I don't know, but it sure is salty.

It'll fit, just deflate it a bit more.

What are you doing in there?
Christening the new bathroom.
Christening?
You're right - it's more of a baptism.

You're drinking beer?
Hell, it's twelve o'clock somewhere.
I think the phrase is "it's five o'clock somewhere".
Shit. It's five o'clock somewhere too.

Good times.

Posted by: Jim at 03:36 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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Everybody dogs on France because ... well, mostly because they're French. I think that by now everybody has seen the list of French military defeats. They've pretty much lost every major and minor military conflict since bronze was first beaten into a spearpoint.

But do we have to keep saying that they are incompetent military losers who haven't won a war during their past twenty governments? This is a kinder, gentler world. A world of PC feel-goodness, verbal cuddling and slash-Americans. Can't we think of a nicer way to express the deficiencies of the French armed forces? I think we can. Try this on for size:

"The French army has consistently finished in the top 3 against every opponent they have faced. In fact, in the vast majority of conflicts, they have achieved the second best performance. The French armed forces are truly Silver Medal quality."

Now isn't that better?

Posted by: Jim at 05:50 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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We have three urinals in the men's room here at work. With one men's room and 60 or so guys it's fairly common to see somebody else in there when you go to drain the main vein. One fellow worker has been a cause of concern. You see, any time I walk in and he's there he is occupying the center urinal. As you all know, this is classified as a major violation according to the BBMRE*.

If you are the first fella at a bank of three urinals you should be occupying an outer urinal. Preferably the one closest to the door so your presence is more easily noted by others entering the bathroom and you are thereby more easily avoided. Taking the center urinal is a major violation because it almost guarantees AUWC**.

I don't think that most women understand AUWC so I'll attempt to clarify. It is not a "gay thing", it's a "guy thing". Homosexual men avoid AUWC just as stringently as straight men. The basic rule is that you do not stand next to another man and piss unless forced to do so by situations outside of your control (the "last urinal" exemption) or during temporary suspension of the AUWC rule caused by sporting events and alcohol or the presence of snow banks or open fire pits.

This fellow's habitual use of the center urinal clearly marked him as either etiquettely challenged or a pervert.

I'm happy to say that he is neither. Just moments ago I went to pay off the interest on a coffee loan and happened to walk into the bathroom right behind him. He went first to the preferred urinal (the one closest to the door), sighed in disappointment, and flushed it. He then went to the secondary urinal (the other outside urinal), sighed deeper, muttered a curse, and flushed it. Only then did he go to the center urinal to do his business.

Mystery solved. He's not a pervert, he's just another victim of the filthy bastards here who don't know how to flush a urinal.

I'm very relieved.

* Big Book of Men's Room Etiquette
** Adjacent Urination Without Cause

Posted by: Jim at 10:35 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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