Scene: Darkened bedroom

Lovely Wife: Ohhhhhh. Ahhhhhhh. Ohhhhhhh.

Me: Mmmmmmm.

LW: Oooooooooooooooh!

Me: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

LW: Ah! Oh! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

(Click - bedroom lights come on)

LW: AHHH!

Me: SHIT! Bear: Hi Mommy.

LW: What are you doing?! Bear, get back to bed!

Bear: I heard you crying, Mommy.

Me: Mommy wasn't crying, Bear. Now turn off the light and go back to your bed.

Bear: I heard her! Was she crying because you kissed her bagina?

Me: Bagina?! Wha?! No?! Bear, you know what a vagina is?

Bear: (proudly) Yup. It's where the baby comes out.

LW: Wha-wha-what?!

Bear: (getting confused, talking fast) Cause the baby comes out there? Cause you said the baby was in your tummy and then we got Burger so he came out your bagina?

Me: Um, yeah. You're right, Bear. That's where the babies come out. Who told you about that?

Bear: I knew it myself. Cause Mommy said she didn't poop out Burger so he had to come out her bagina, right?

LW: That's very smart thinking. Now Mommy wasn't crying so you can turn off the light and go back to your bed Sweetie. And remember - we do not open bedroom doors or bathroom doors without knocking.

Bear: Okay, Momma.

(Bear walks over to get a kiss goodnight from Momma, then goes over to Daddy's side of the bed.)

Me: Uh, better not buddy. How about a high five instead?

Bear: No kiss?

Me: Nah. A high five is more appropriate. You'll figure it out in a couple years.

(After a high five, Bear turns out the lights and footsteps are heard going upstairs.)

Me: Babies come out the bagina, eh?

LW: That was about 10 years early.

Me: I think we handled it well.

LW: Yeah, right. I was caught totally flat footed.

Me: Well it's your own fault. You should have told him you pooped out babies.

LW: Ha ha ha. Very funny, jerk. Hey, wait a second...

(SMACK!)

Me: Ouch! What the hell was that for?!

LW: The high five.

Me: Hehehehe. Come here, baby.

LW: Sorry, Casanova. That was a complete and utter thrill kill. Go wash your face.

Me: (sotto vocce) Grmblrblgrr... Damn kids.

Posted by: Jim at 08:52 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
Post contains 376 words, total size 2 kb.

1 Go wash your face dude! And your mustache too! Ya lucky dog!

Posted by: Nate at October 13, 2003 05:24 PM (KJQ0B)

2 Dude I at least you have boys. I am not looking foward to explaing the "birds and the bees" to my daughter. And looking less to her dating and all that kind of junk. shes only 4 and already I am feeling the dread of the future.

Posted by: Agaememnon at October 13, 2003 07:14 PM (mkbJL)

3 I didn't know what to say when His Oogieness asked where babies come from, so I rattled off some nonsense about ordering him from the baby factory. He went to the wee wifey and told her that I didn't know where babies came from. It was a while after that (long after he ceased being oogie cute) before we explained to him about the broken condom.

Posted by: triticale at October 13, 2003 09:15 PM (77+mi)

4 Our oldest was a Trojan Horse baby, too. No excuse for #2 or #3 - they were intentional. We were trying for a little girl and ended up with three fifths of a basketball team. And after talking with parents of girls I thank God each day that we had all boys.

Posted by: Jim at October 14, 2003 09:05 AM (IOwam)

5 LMAO! That's the funniest thing I've read all day.

Posted by: Gennie at October 15, 2003 12:38 AM (NtJXM)

6 HEH, Well I have a girl smack dab between two boys. I am training the boys in the ways of the ninja, so they can by my little hit men when my daughter starts to date. =) I bet that kid knows what the high five was for.. with in 3 days of this story.. if he know Bagina.. Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny are not far from being found out. =) Smart Kid U have there..

Posted by: Jefferey McDowell at October 15, 2003 02:08 PM (wdInV)

7 Santa and the Easter Bunny are safe for now. He's only 4. Woe is me.

Posted by: Jim at October 15, 2003 02:48 PM (IOwam)

8 And the moral of the story is: Always lock the bedroom door!

Posted by: shell at October 15, 2003 04:08 PM (PYU23)

9 we not only lock the door, we barricade it.

Posted by: georgiapossum at August 17, 2004 10:27 AM (8weIb)

10 YIKES!!! That one hit WAY too close to home. Had a similar traumatic experience some twelve years ago (stepson worried about mommy). Same exact position, too. I skittered under the pillows like a frightened cockroach and wouldn't come out for hours...

Posted by: diamond dave at August 17, 2004 05:20 PM (r8BvQ)

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