PayPal button is over there on the right. Get cracking!

(I'm practicing my 'command voice'. It seems to be losing effectiveness at home.)

Posted by: Jim at 03:27 PM | Comments (15) | Add Comment
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Sorry, not going anywhere with that. It just had to be said.

Blame Margi.

Posted by: Jim at 03:27 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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When they get pregnant you can sell the offspring.

Posted by: Jim at 10:28 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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I bet epileptics are the freaking kings of masturbation.

Druggies going through DTs might give them a run for the money but they're probably just not as 'into it'.

This is probably going to bother me until I find an epileptic and a druggy and have them compare notes.

Posted by: Jim at 11:59 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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There is sickness running rampant in the house. No baking until I've passed the incubation period and know I'm not communicable.

The microphone purchase will need to wait until next paycheck. It comes down to mic or haircut and my hair is touching my ears. This causes obsessive compulsive hair management so must be corrected with extreme prejudice.

Counties are much smaller down here. Atlanta proper is in five of them and there are a good dozen in the Atlanta Metro area. Watch what counties you're house hunting in - some have a much higher property tax system than others.

Posted by: Jim at 04:05 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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If your sentence begins with any of the following, please consider whether there is an actual need to relate the information you are about to divulge:

Don't freak out or anything but...
I probably shouldn't say anything but...
Don't get the wrong idea but...

In fact, if the "but..." conditional is anywhere in the opening sentence of your anecdote you may want to rethink the necessity of speaking whatever is on your mind.

And if you should decide that your personal world will stop unless you divulge your mental gem please, please, please verify that there is nobody within earshot who shouldn't, mustn't or doesn't want to hear what you are about to relate.

Especially if that person is me.

And you are talking about bodily functions gone awry.

Thanks,
Jim

Posted by: Jim at 09:58 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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It just came to me in a flash. Mars Attacks is just a remake of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. I'm too stunned to comment adequately. It's like a piece of my youth has been used as a mung rag, peed on and then "taken" in the biblical sense.

I go now to cry softly in a corner.

Posted by: Jim at 08:23 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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1 I'll probably regret this, but what is a mung rag?

Posted by: diamond dave at December 10, 2004 09:14 PM (yFpR7)

2 Ooh! That's a great points question. 3 points to the first person to identify what a mung rag is. Margi will snap this one up when she sees it so y'all need to be fast.

Posted by: Jim at December 10, 2004 11:30 PM (GCA5m)

3 Knew I'd regret this... The rag (or sock, or tissue) used to clean up after you whack off (yurk). Also apparently once defined as the rag used to clean up spilled booze in a pub or bar. Had to Google for this, so no points for me... No fair offering points for my question!

Posted by: diamond dave at December 11, 2004 09:06 AM (3v247)

4 I've never heard of the whacking variety. Basically it's a beer rag. It has certain connotations of drunken revelry though. You'd find mung rags at a frat party, a busy bar, a festive celebration, etc. The bar at TGI Fridays wouldn't qualify to hold a mung rag.

Posted by: Jim at December 11, 2004 11:05 AM (GCA5m)

5 I'll bet you drink mat pours, too, don't you Jim o' My Heart? DAmnit! I'm sorry I missed this one. You DO still love me, right?

Posted by: Margi at December 12, 2004 06:13 PM (rKX9f)

6 Sure do, Margi. From toes to nose. That's the answer to the second question. I refuse to answer the first one on the grounds that it may incriminate me. ;-)

Posted by: Jim at December 13, 2004 05:13 AM (GCA5m)

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Elevator sign:
"Out of order - Men at work".
I press the button.
The screams, they are horrific.
I guess I'll walk down the stairs.

A "tanka", for those of you unfamiliar with the beast, is a poetic form similar to but older than the haiku. It has five lines of 5,7,5,7 and 7 syllables. Feel free to try some for yourself.

Nope, not back yet. Another Trickle post for your entertainment. See how much I love y'all? It's not everybody who'd go to these lengths to keep y'all amused, you know.

Posted by: Jim at 11:55 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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I really hate the after-effects of a good hurl. The pieces of vomit and goopy stomach acid that's stuck in your nose and sinuses. The reward for a stomach purge is two days of smelling puke with the occasional chunk of mucous and partially digested yesterday's dinner that works itself back into your throat or nose.

It's hard to look forward to shootin' the shoes when you know what's coming afterward. Makes me appreciate Mary-Kate's fortitude and commitment to bulimia, it does.

Posted by: Jim at 12:25 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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To the fellow in the Mazda this morning: The blinking yellow light means "proceed with caution". It does not mean "yield right of way to side street traffic". And just in case you decided to stop all of the traffic on the main road just to be nice to those folks making a left through their blinking red stop light please let me remind you that you are in Atlanta and during rush hour we are permitted to remove one of your appendages to discourage such displays of weakness.

To the punks using the second floor bathroom: That horizontal handle at the top left of the urinal? Yeah, go ahead and wiggle that sucker after you've taken a piss. We call this "flushing". It makes it much more pleasant for the next fellow plus keeps the urine reek in the bathroom to a minimum. And if you do it while Mr.Happy is still dangling free you'll get a delightful wash of cool air and a free spritzer. Try it, you'll like it.

Posted by: Jim at 03:53 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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1 Hey now, if 'tweren't for the delightful reek of stale urine, what would be the fun of usin' public restrooms, anyway.

Posted by: Tig at November 17, 2004 10:49 PM (G5PGV)

2 That was you?

Posted by: Dave at November 17, 2004 11:37 PM (i9WeN)

3 I feel your pain. In spite of all my patience, kindness and charity, there are days that I am really tired of sharing my planet with all the stupid people.

Posted by: Cerberus at November 18, 2004 05:19 AM (nzIoS)

4 I think you reserve the right to remove their appendages and beat them with it... Oh wait. That's NYC. Atlanta is more civil...

Posted by: Boudicca at November 18, 2004 07:02 AM (XH1zZ)

5 Maybe you should consider awarding NDA's? I would type more but I'm off to try that MR Happy spritzer thing...

Posted by: Rob at November 18, 2004 07:20 AM (kXZI6)

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It was down at the Atlanta Bread Company. I had stopped in for a loaf of soup and some coffee and I ran into him at the coffee bar. We really hit it off. He's quite a talker. A bit of a "let's talk about me" attitude but I guess that's what happens when you're God.

Anyway, we had a pleasant brunch and he even gave me his autograph. It was all swirly and illegible, just like a doctor's signature. I figured 'what the hell' and stopped off at my pharmacist on the way home. They filled a prescription ($10 copay, of course) for it! I took two before bed, just like the bottle said. It turns out that they were laxatives. Powerful laxatives.

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Posted by: Jim at 07:55 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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1 I can't be the first person to think it, but I might be the first person to say it here today: holy shit.

Posted by: RP at September 28, 2004 07:43 AM (LlPKh)

2 Ahh, well, this too shall pass, and pass quickly.

Posted by: tommy at September 28, 2004 10:26 AM (7iw+1)

3 It's a sad, sad day Jim when even God thinks you're full of shit.

Posted by: Clancy at September 28, 2004 11:12 AM (EGVPL)

4 I don't want to ask but I am hoping that this has absolutely nothing to do with my dinner.

Posted by: Trey Givens at September 28, 2004 10:06 PM (7cuZm)

5 The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. You must be REALLY blessed.

Posted by: Margi at September 29, 2004 03:05 AM (MAdsZ)

6 Only you could get away with mentioning God and defecation in the same post without a lynch mob on the door step.

Posted by: Simon at September 29, 2004 10:42 PM (GWTmv)

7 Well, I thought of it all on my own - even if RP did think of it first. Holy. Shit. Hope you're feeling better

Posted by: Elizabeth at September 29, 2004 11:45 PM (sCupo)

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Those are the little bumps on the otherwise glass-smooth upper torsos of certain overexercised Olympic athletes.

Posted by: Jim at 09:20 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Dislikes: mean people, clowns

Likes: kittens, long walks on a moonlit beach

Bull.Shit.

Why do women say they like long walks on a moonlit beach when it is so patently false? If even half of the women who swear that they love these long walks actually did like them you would be able to go to any beach in the world at the full moon and see hordes of women wandering aimlessly through the surf. It would look like the invasion of the mutant grunion.

I'm just saying.

Posted by: Jim at 11:08 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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1 Sure we like long walks on moonlit beaches. What's better than tracking sand all over the house, getting it in itchy unmentionable places, between toes and up our thong, all the while being attacked by midges and biting insects? What's not to like about moonlit beaches?

Posted by: Helen at August 24, 2004 11:30 AM (GOHfh)

2 Now, mooning beaches while lit, THAT is fun, not to mention good wholesome family entertainment. :-D

Posted by: tommy at August 24, 2004 11:58 AM (MAoAh)

3 I don't go for the long walk on sandy beaches crap but I do like puppies!

Posted by: DeAnna at August 24, 2004 12:14 PM (IdVP4)

4 I'm with Tommy! As you recall I did that in May. Ahhh... nothing like two moons in one night at the beach.

Posted by: Tiffani at August 24, 2004 01:15 PM (xpNFK)

5 Good lord, and have they ever tried to have sex on a beach. I bet all of them imagine rolling around in the surf. What about the jellyfish that wash up and the sand getting in every hole it shouldnt be?

Posted by: pylorns at August 24, 2004 02:10 PM (FTYER)

6 I have tried to do this many, many times. In the sand is silly as pylorns points out. The absolute best way to do sex on beach is late at night. On lifeguard stand. It helps if she's wearing a short skirt...

Posted by: Clancy at August 25, 2004 11:19 AM (EGVPL)

7 I prefer sex on the beach in a shot glass at a bar. ~No sand~

Posted by: Tiffani at August 25, 2004 12:01 PM (xpNFK)

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You can fool some of the people all of the time and that has "comfortable living" writen all over it.

Posted by: Jim at 08:43 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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...isn't the Bush/Cheny '04 bumper sticker redundant?

Posted by: Jim at 09:38 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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"Move it back and forth! If all you are doing is sucking on it you aren't doing it right."

(Redemption is in the extended entry. Or at least a defense.) more...

Posted by: Jim at 07:22 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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I demand accolades for my inhuman restraint.

Sign seen as Boston Garden:

All salads may be tossed fresh at your request.

Posted by: Jim at 01:50 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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1 Nothing like a freshly tossed salad.

Posted by: pylorns at August 16, 2004 02:18 PM (FTYER)

2 Heh. On Friday nights I wear a similar shirt but, instead of salads, it refers to cookies.

Posted by: Venomous Kate at August 16, 2004 04:10 PM (VYtD5)

3 Garçon! Toss my salad! Oh, to be able to shout that across a crowded room! The worst I've ever done was chastise a woman for eating all of the lime jello at a buffet.

Posted by: Emma at August 16, 2004 04:15 PM (NOZuy)

4 I doff my hat to you, sir. You are a scholar and a gentleman. [Note to self: if eating over at Jim's, smile and pass on the salad]

Posted by: RP at August 16, 2004 04:32 PM (LlPKh)

5 Do you get to name the target?

Posted by: Rachel Ann at August 16, 2004 05:19 PM (8T53U)

6 I never knew people could find salad so attractive. Curious.

Posted by: Helen at August 17, 2004 05:01 AM (mjc0R)

7 Only if it's done right, Helen.

Posted by: RP at August 17, 2004 06:34 AM (X3Lfs)

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A 'brown trout' really is a fish.

I wonder if there's really a 'stink pickle' too.

Posted by: Jim at 07:01 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Google, circa 1960 (click for mondo size)

(From Fury.com, hat tip to Dopple-G)

Posted by: Jim at 02:48 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Watching a Saturday Night Live movie is _________.

My entry: ...like watching the first hour and a half of a three minute skit.

Posted by: Jim at 07:36 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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