April 15, 2005
See problem, find solution
It's
begging week pledge drive time at NPR. This time they are doing something a little bit different. They are going to end the
begging drive as soon as they reach their goal! Cool, right? Well, no. They've never reached their goal so the chance that they'll reach their goal early is about the same as Michael Moore passing on a deep fried Twinkie.
But I've thought of a way to end this annoying crap early after all. You see, the magic number is for pledges of donations, not the donations themselves. This means that all somebody (meaning "you") has to do to stop the madness is to call up and pledge $600,000 or so. Badda boom, badda bing, pledge drive is over.
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Yeah that's great except for the $600,000 debt I'd incur". Well you're wrong. There's no legal financial obligation to fulfill your pledge. A pledge is just your personal promise to give them your money.
Now you're thinking "So you want me to break my word, corrupt my honor, defile my personal integrity just so you don't have to listen to a bunch of whining beggars during your morning commute?" Of course not! I would never ask you to do such a thing. All you have to do is get somebody else to make the pledge. I've got the perfect solution to this problem too. Bums.
That's right. Get a bum to make the call for you. Hell, if a bum is willing to suck a dick for a bottle of Thunderbird it shouldn't be hard to get them to make a phone call for you. If you're a decent negotiator you might even be able to get the BJ and the phone call for the same bottle. They don't have any teeth so it'll probably be worth it.
So get on out there now and find yourself a bum. I greatly appreciate your assistance in this matter.
Posted by: Jim at
08:24 AM
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The apparent intimate knowledge that you have of what bums will do for a bottle of rail wine intrigues me. What impresses me moreso is that you are still Machiavellian even in your dealings with them. I salute you, sir.
:-D
Posted by: tommy at April 15, 2005 09:31 AM (VCRgB)
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Heh. I think I was channeling
Velociman at the end there.
Posted by: Jim at April 15, 2005 09:40 AM (tyQ8y)
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Of course, with Glenn Reynolds around, it's hard to find live bums these days...
http://www.imao.us/archives/000588.html#000588
Posted by: Harvey at April 15, 2005 11:31 AM (tJfh1)
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That wont work, they'll say oh look someone donated the entire amount.. lets just double what we are looking for 1.2mil.
Posted by: pylorns at April 18, 2005 09:46 AM (FTYER)
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April 14, 2005
Seven
That's the number of nose pickings I witnessed on the way into work this morning. One of them could possibly have been a mismanaged scratch but at least three were knuckles deep and digging for gold.
What is it about cars that makes people forget that glass works both ways?
Posted by: Jim at
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April 07, 2005
A little bit grotesque
So millions of people are marching by the Pope's remains to pay their last respects. Some people have been in line for days. They are coming to Italy from all over the world to say goodbye. For many it is their first time traveling to Italy and for most it is their first time seeing the Pope.
Isn't that just a little bit sick? I could understand a Pope groupie gathering the clan and hightailing it to Vatican City for a last look at the body but we're talking about people who've spent their entire lives without glimpsing His Popliness suddenly feeling the call to go look at a dead body.
What? You couldn't make the trip while the guy was alive? Do you prefer a viewing of a dead, made up, preserved, rigormortised* Pope to the live guy saying mass?
It's really creaping me out. It's like some death cult that comes out of the woodwork to get their jollies over a corpse.
Freaks.
* If he's stiff enough he'd be a Popesicle.
Posted by: Jim at
01:57 PM
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Aw. You ex-Catholics are just so cute when you're horrified.
But seriously, I don't get the practice of body viewing in general. At my grandfather's I watched my mom stand in the receiving line with her two siblings having to greet everyone and . . . and meanwhile there's my grandfather's body lying right there, all too-rouged up and everything and, I don't know, I just don't get it. Any of it. It makes no sense. I couldn't figure out what weirded me out more: The people who cried (hey, it's his body, but it's obviously no longer him) or the people who ignored it and were laughing and chatting away.
Viewings. They're just weird.
Posted by: ilyka at April 07, 2005 03:35 PM (dTNuv)
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I heard they didn't shave his stubble so the viewers could see his "suffering". Interesting.
Posted by: Pam at April 07, 2005 10:14 PM (bl0ah)
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What I find even more sickening is the people taking pictures. You can see the flashes going off on TV.
gack
Posted by: Machelle at April 08, 2005 07:16 AM (ZAyoW)
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I couldn't help but notice the difference in the way the pope's wake and burial and those people attending have differed from those similar events in other parts of the world- say Yassar Arafatt's burial earlier this year...
Nice polite lines, people praying, talking quietly, singing, no assault rifles in sight any where.
I wonder if that's significant...
Posted by: Nate at April 08, 2005 03:48 PM (uKuUC)
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April 06, 2005
The origin of words
I love etymology*, the study of the source of words. Some of the words in our current lexicon come from some seriously weird places. Take the common greeting
Hello, for example. Hello has one of the strangest sources I've come across, one that is seriously out of place with its current use.
Hello is a bastardization of a 14th century phrase Hie below. Hie is from Middle English and means to go quickly. Below in this context meant persons who were underneath the speaker. You see, Hie below was a warning yelled out by upper story tenants when they were about to dump their chamber pots out of windows or off of balconies. It was a very quick method of saying "Whoever is underneath me better get their ass moving fast or they're going to be wearing a shit coat".
Hie below, as is typical for common phrases, contracted over the years. The first commonly recognized contraction in print was in Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream when Nick Bottom's character was being publicly ridiculed and despoiled. The feces coated weaver turned erstwhile player uttered the famous line "The eye of man hath not heard, the ear of man hath not seen; such unkind act with nary a hielow". This use of the word is one of Shakespeare's infamous double entendres. Bottom is complaining of both the lack of courtesy in a warning as well as the rudeness of not being properly greeted.
Usage of the word gradually shifted. With advances in sanitation there wasn't so much tossing of shit out of windows any more so that connotation died away. The word survived though and finally morphed into the common greeting of Hello that we all use today.
* Not to be confused with 'entomology', the study of bugs. Although that's pretty cool too.
more...
Posted by: Jim at
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Very interesting. Learn something new every day...!
Posted by: pylorns at April 06, 2005 11:23 AM (FTYER)
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Well, you had me fooled. Unfortunately that's not too hard, I'm incredibly naive at times. My kids are always making things up and then laughing at me when I go "really?" Oh well. (I did look up what it really meant, but I'm not telling, so there pfbttt!)
Posted by: Rachel Ann at April 06, 2005 11:27 AM (jG2ss)
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Damn Sam, Jim, that was good. Had me fooled, and now I've got to break out the gf's
Complete Works of Wm. Shakespeare just because.
Posted by: Victor at April 06, 2005 12:21 PM (L3qPK)
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Both ridiculous and believable. Until Shakes.
Hey, did I miss the contest about your new political party slogans? Don't remember seeing your picks -- and good ones to choose from.
Posted by: Kenny at April 06, 2005 02:20 PM (sVrPB)
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Most of that Shakespeare quote is real.
The best lies are 80% truth.
The contest is still open. I'll probably wrap it up tomorrow.
Posted by: Jim at April 06, 2005 02:47 PM (tyQ8y)
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so I just made all of this up.
Oh, you're a bastard, you are. Had me going.
Now go look up the etymology of "bastard" and give us a good story about that one.
Posted by: ilyka at April 06, 2005 03:29 PM (wk1+o)
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You suck! I was so ready to believe that and tell my friends. So, next time why not just leave that disclamer out and make us stupid blog readers look like the asses we are?
Posted by: Adamu at April 07, 2005 03:33 PM (bQFq3)
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Too funny! I may have to try and convince my sister of this one. She believed our neighbor that she had to change the 'air' in the tires of her first car. Didn't want 'stale' air in the tires, they may go flat. I still laugh about that one.
Posted by: vw bug at April 10, 2005 09:29 AM (rhlNH)
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yeah crazy. i thought "hello" was invented to answer the phone? i heard AGB thought "ahoy" would work.
Posted by: mickey mouse at April 25, 2005 08:58 PM (NICJR)
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April 05, 2005
What's the difference between a Hippie and a Goth?
A hippie is a dirty and smelly hugger of trees. A Goth is a member of an ultra-violent tribe of barbarians that kicked serious ass over half of Eurasia.
Posted by: Jim at
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Thanks for setting that straight.
Posted by: caltechgirl at April 05, 2005 05:20 PM (iCaDI)
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Heh, i MUCH prefer the Visigoths. They were the ones that hung out in the shadows with the black eyeliner and drove the other half of Europe to drink with angsty poetry and velvet capes. Kinda like the advance Goth troops to soften them up for the battle. I love History.
:-D
Posted by: tommy at April 05, 2005 07:23 PM (VCRgB)
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What's everyone got against Goths? They're just misunderstood.
Posted by: Simon at April 06, 2005 01:58 AM (OyeEA)
Posted by: 8 Z E R O 8 at April 06, 2005 05:52 AM (p6ZOT)
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... oh, wait ... I get it. ;-)
Posted by: 8 Z E R O 8 at April 06, 2005 05:53 AM (p6ZOT)
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April 04, 2005
Still wondering...
What will the new Pope be like? I was listening to NPR* this morning and one of the talking heads was saying he wouldn't be surprised if the new Pope was younger and more energetic. I thought "I sure as hell hope so, buddy. You can't get a whole lot older or less energetic than the dead Pope". Then I realized he meant like overall. He's expecting a younger, more vibrant, hipper Pope.
Maybe a Pope that does a little pop and lock up on the Pope balcony. You know - a little entertainment for the masses. Or for the Mass, depending on your point of view. Maybe a bit of karaoke. Hell, it's got to be one huge temptation to be up there at the Popepodium with thousands of people assembled in the courtyard every day and not occasionally break into Unchain My Heart.
Or maybe, just maybe (my heart trembles at the thought), a kick-boxing Pope. THAT is what the Catholic church really needs. Nobody is going to call the Mother Church old, tired and stodgy with a kick-boxing Pope at the helm. A kick-boxing ninja Pope.
How freaking cool would that be, eh? You'd have young toughs lining up around the block to convert to an ass kicking religion like that. And just think about how this would let the Catholics compete in the Asian markets. What Buddhist monk could stand up to the force of the kick-boxing ninja Pope? Or better yet, a kick-boxing ninja RoboPope!
Yeah, that would be tooooo sweet!
Sometimes NPR actually has some good shit on it.
Posted by: Jim at
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Great idea, man. I want a Pope who has mastered "Drunken Monkey" and "Shaolin White Crane" styles.
It wouldn't hurt if he was proficient with a three section staff as well.
Posted by: Paul at April 04, 2005 02:48 PM (vbP6L)
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I'm sensing a theme on all of today's posts here. What is it, I wonder? What do all of these things have in common?
Are they all brought to us by the letter "M"? The number "9"? A Maria-lovin' Mr. Hooper?
Stumped. Just stumped.
Posted by: Helen at April 04, 2005 04:00 PM (1i2pB)
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Except for all of the guys in the running are 60+. How in the world are you going to find a younger, hipper pope in that crowd? AND I couldn't believe it when they said that the voting bishops had to be under 80 to vote for the pope... why is that??? I am thinking age discrimination.
Posted by: Wendy at April 04, 2005 11:23 PM (lVGGv)
Posted by: Pam at April 04, 2005 11:58 PM (M7kiy)
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He should be called Ringo George...
Posted by: Dafyd at April 05, 2005 11:41 AM (bNHqx)
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I want to take this opportunity to announce my candidacy for the Papacy. I am all those things Jim described, except for the Robo part. But that is actually in the plan, you know, part of my platform. So, in fifteen days, vote Shank for Pope. Huzzah!
Posted by: shank at April 05, 2005 12:16 PM (+H1yK)
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Back away from the crack pipe Jim! Its till the Catholic church, remember? They still want you to be procreating uncontrollably while avoiding invitro fertilization.
Posted by: Nate at April 05, 2005 04:29 PM (fIFtd)
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More wondering...
Who'll play the Pope in the movie?
I figure it'll be Matt Damon for the young Pope, Mel Gibson for the older Pope and Marlon Brando for the Popely Pope.
With Brando as the Popely Pope they won't have to do as much to fake all of the medical problems.
Posted by: Jim at
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Plus Brando has had plenty of practice being dead, so that part'll be easy.
Posted by: Jennifer at April 04, 2005 06:51 PM (f04TB)
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Brando ain't dead! Brando's never dead! Blasphemer!
Posted by: Jim at April 04, 2005 07:14 PM (MDLz3)
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I wonder...
Do you think they'll put the Popemobile up on eBay now?
Posted by: Jim at
02:02 PM
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BOOOOOOOOO!!!
actually, rofl!
Posted by: Elizabeth at April 04, 2005 02:04 PM (C2XLv)
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I see a special edition of Pimp My Ride in the very near future.
Posted by: shank at April 04, 2005 02:18 PM (+H1yK)
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They should let Xzbit pimp that whip!
http://www.mtv.com/onair/dyn/pimp_my_ride/series.jhtml?_requestid=330475
Posted by: 8 Z E R O 8 at April 06, 2005 05:55 AM (p6ZOT)
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Wasted prayers?
The Pope died after a long and fruitful life and people all over the world are mourning and praying for him.
Why?
The mourning I understand. The pontiff was a well loved man. But why pray for the Pope? I mean, he was the frickin Pope! Leader of the Catholic Church, mouthpiece of God and all that good stuff. He's pretty much a shoe-in for whatever's supposed to come next.
Praying for the Pope is a waste of a good prayer. It's like praying that your reuben sandwich will have corned beef on it. Dude, it's a done deal. Already in the bag. Success by definition. Minutes taken, meeting adjourned.
So don't waste your effort with Pope prayers. Aim those prayers at a place where they can do some constructive good. Join me in praying that Hillary Clinton will find a soul. Or at least a clue.
Posted by: Jim at
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Yeah, but think about it. You pray for the Pope to get into Heaven, right. Then the Pope gets there and reads his accolades, finds out you're one of his supporters and what does he do? Why, he starts whispering in the right ears and before you know it, you're lounging behind the pearly gates sippin' Old Fashions and discussing the psychology of religious motivation with Gandi, MLK, and the Angel with The Flaming Sword.
It's all about the networking, and the Pope makes a GREAT inside man.
Posted by: shank at April 04, 2005 11:36 AM (+H1yK)
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Shank, I'm thinking that the Pope will see your prayers and think, "He's not so altruistic. He wasn't praying for me! He was praying for my connections!" and then you'll get a first class ticket to hell.
I think.
I'm not sure.
Jim, you crack me up.
Posted by: Boudicca at April 04, 2005 12:34 PM (z7nbM)
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Me, I'm praying for Hillary to find a gopher hole to step in so she'll break her ankle.
I'm a bad, bad man.
Posted by: Harvey at April 04, 2005 01:07 PM (tJfh1)
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April 01, 2005
My very clear, impossible to misunderstand, instructions on what to do with me should I one day achieve toaster-like cognitive abilities
With the Terry Shiavo thing so prevalent in the news and on everybody's lips living wills are getting some well deserved attention. All over the blogosphere you see people posting their digital equivalent. The three most common sentiments are:
- I want to live, no matter what, as long as possible.
- I don't want to live like a vegetable, no matter what, do me in please.
- I don't want to live like a vegetable but for the love of all that's holy please don't starve me to death.
My choice is none of the above. Here, I'll make it official:
I, James Peacock, being of (reasonably) sound mind and (for the most part) sound body do hereby solemnly swear and affirm that in the event my mental faculties are reduced to the point where I can be out-thought by a toaster that I officially do not give a damn what you do with my semi to fully mentally vacant meat puppet. It's up to you. If I am a financial burden and am holding back your life then do me in without regrets. If it is a comfort to you to have my non-sentient living corpse lying about then by all means keep me going. If you can make some cash by decorating me with sparkles and posing me in compromising positions with various woodland animals then have at it.
Seriously. Whatever will make the lives of my survivors better, no matter what that is, you have my permission to do it.
Now, to avoid the possibility of a repeat of the Shiavo/Schindler feud I'll take care of any possible disagreements right off the bat: In the event that my survivors disagree on what to do with me, whoever has the least permanent plan wins. So if one relative wants to inject me with morphine until I expire and another wants to pose me on their mantelpiece, the poser wins. Simple enough, right?
I think that covers everything. Carry on.
Posted by: Jim at
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I think you need to be more precise. Toasters are getting very advanced these days and, well, I don't want to say it outright, that a toaster might out think you, but. . . Otherwise, very clear!
My wife and I have been talking about this, too. It is a scary thing to contemplate.
Posted by: RP at April 01, 2005 09:51 AM (LlPKh)
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How about a blender? They're not very smart....
Posted by: caltechgirl at April 01, 2005 01:06 PM (dNB1l)
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I don't know about that. There's a blender in
Elmo's World that talks and everything. Blenders are pretty sharp.
Posted by: Jim at April 01, 2005 01:11 PM (tyQ8y)
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Ummmm... how about a hair dryer then?
Posted by: caltechgirl at April 01, 2005 02:22 PM (dNB1l)
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That might work. It would have to be a hand-held though. Some of those new floor models are programmable.
What? Like guys aren't supposed to know about hairdressing products? Back off. It's a hobby, not a lifestyle.
Posted by: Jim at April 01, 2005 02:26 PM (tyQ8y)
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See....just when i needed a good laugh, i come here and find you making light of a very serious subject. You should be ashamed of yourself. More please. :-D
Btw...can I have your clock when you croak?
Posted by: Pam at April 02, 2005 07:53 PM (6krEN)
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Yes, but what if one person wanted to set you up on the mantlepiece, and I wanted to set you up in the middle of the desert with a sign that read: YOU ARE HERE! and a WORLD'S BEST BLOGGER t-shirt written in neon green.
(I do need to release a little.)
Posted by: Rachel Ann at April 04, 2005 05:57 AM (jG2ss)
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Pam - You can have my clock when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers. In other words, sure, it's yours.
Rachel Ann - The mantlepiece hanger would win that one. Better climate means less permanent change to the meat puppet.
Posted by: Jim at April 04, 2005 09:35 AM (tyQ8y)
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Hmph...and I had such high hopes.
Posted by: Rachel Ann at April 04, 2005 09:54 AM (jG2ss)
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March 24, 2005
Bloody earworms
Well, she was just 17, You know what I mean,
Earworms are nasty little buggers. Those snippets of songs that invade your conciousness and simply will not leave.
And the way she looked was way beyond compare.
I woke up with one today and no matter what I try it won't leave me alone.
So how could I dance with another (ooh)
That's not unusual though. There's really only one surefire method of getting rid of an earworm.
more...
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You're an evil man, Jim.
BTW, I think I should get a point for being first to comment here. heh.
Posted by: Boudicca at March 24, 2005 09:55 AM (z7nbM)
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I'll pay a point to get rid of an earworm and since it's gone my plot must have worked its way over to you. Congrats on your entry to the big game!
There's still two point opportunities open, too. Just check out the nifty points section on the sidebar.
Posted by: Jim at March 24, 2005 10:43 AM (tyQ8y)
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http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/llama.php
Llama, llama, duck
Posted by: Harvey at March 24, 2005 02:12 PM (tJfh1)
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Wait! I got a point?! Yee haa!!!
Posted by: Boudicca at March 25, 2005 12:51 AM (z7nbM)
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Now that is insidious... I like it. Never heard the term earworm for it, but it is very fitting.
Posted by: Ethne at March 25, 2005 08:14 AM (vw+UT)
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How 'bout a contest on earworms? I got some pretty nasty ones...
Posted by: diamond dave at March 25, 2005 08:38 AM (i7BFJ)
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Earworms are the soundtrack to your life. If you've got an earworm you don't like...it's sayin' something. I don't know what, but it's sayin'
something.
Posted by: Victor at March 25, 2005 01:51 PM (L3qPK)
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My natural ignorance of pop culture has insulated me from your nefarious plot. I have no idea what song that is, but you should hear my coworkers scream when I flounce through singing, "Bada da da daaa I'm lovin' it!"
Posted by: Trey Givens at March 25, 2005 08:55 PM (yaMs/)
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March 23, 2005
Look at all these meetings, surrounding me everyday
My company is a tad meeting heavy. I've been doing what I can to reduce the number of meetings and make them more productive. I myself have never had to schedule a meeting for my own needs. I'm a productive user of the phone, email and instant messaging and confident enough to do things under my own initiative without a group consensus. I also have more than ample time to acquire any group feedback in the many meetings I attend that are scheduled by other people.
I'm in meetings pretty much the entire day today and I'm taking the battle to the next level. Last night I had double helpings of homemade split pea soup washed down by three beers. Lunch today is more split pea soup ammo.
Cry havoc, and let slip the peas of war!*
* Rob gets credit for this deliciously creative aliteration.
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Text messaging during meetings is the best way to alleviate boredom. If that fails, spitwads work well, too.
Posted by: Pam at March 23, 2005 12:14 PM (nTut6)
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Do your meetings have any structure to them? I found that really helped expedite meetings that were clogging my schedule. Put someon in charge, delineate the seperate issues - all previous to the actual meeting. helps prevent rabbit trails. Well, that and strongarm tactics.
Posted by: shank at March 23, 2005 01:31 PM (+H1yK)
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That's one of the big issues, shank. There's very little structure to the meetings. Many do not even have a distributed agenda. Or even an undistributed agenda. I'm working on that bit too.
Posted by: Jim at March 23, 2005 01:35 PM (tyQ8y)
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We had issues with meetings too. We went to a class hosted by Verne Harnish. He teaches you instead of a grueling 1 to 5 hour meetings about nothing to having one simple 5 minute meeting everyday. Just to see if you all are on the same page. Then, once a week instead of that meeting you have a 20 to 30 minute meeting. Each person has their specific time to talk about what ever is on the agenda. (it's usually timed). If that person has more to say then you schedule seperate time on a one on one basis. You also need someone who is in charge of the meeting(to facilitate). You have to be strict and because you can have some talkers. (my boss for example). Do it with respect. Like...I understand "Paul" that that may be an issue for you & if you have a few minutes later we could talk about it more in my office.
It really works in our office. It's painless and everyday we know what is happening in each of our jobs. If there are fires to put out. OR even when someone does something well.
His (Vernes) website is: www.gazelles.com - you may think that it's a bunch of crap. But it's worth a
look. Sorry for the unsolicited advice.
Posted by: Tiffani at March 23, 2005 02:51 PM (KE4Gu)
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w00t ... erm ... when did I do that then?
Posted by: Rob at March 23, 2005 02:58 PM (kXZI6)
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Tiffani - Advice is always welcome.

Rob - You said it back on
this post.
Posted by: Jim at March 23, 2005 04:31 PM (tyQ8y)
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Shakespeare, nice.
Or is that Peaspeare?
Or Shakepeas?
Or ShakesPEAre?
Ehhh ... never mind.
(think i killed the joke.)
Posted by: Kenny at March 24, 2005 04:00 PM (sVrPB)
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My next coffee maker...
...will have an emptisensometer. When the pot is empty it will automatically turn off the coffee pot so a layer of baked coffee residue stronger than space shuttle tiles is not left in the bottom of the pot. When there is coffee left in the pot it will not start brewing, thereby preventing coffee brew overflow from cascading down the electrical appliance itself as well as the counter, cabinets and floor.
The advanced model will have a voice synthesizer for the latter case that will say something along the lines of "Hey, dumb-ass! Empty the damned pot first!"
Posted by: Jim at
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How about another voice that chips up when the pot has been emptied and put back empty ...
"Ahem, haven't you forgotten something?"
Posted by: Rob at March 23, 2005 10:55 AM (kXZI6)
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That's brilliant, Jim and Rob!
Of course, it'd probably be as effective as the Bathroom Admonitions. Assholes are assholes regardless of what manner of shaming them we try to do.
Selfish bastards.
Posted by: Margi at March 23, 2005 12:04 PM (lWAiX)
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And don't brew when no coffeepot at all is on the burner.
Posted by: Ed Flinn at March 23, 2005 12:57 PM (RRq7w)
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Margi, I was looking for enhancements for the home brewer. I'm notorious for brewing a pot of coffee into a half pot of coffee.
Heh.
Posted by: Jim at March 23, 2005 01:24 PM (tyQ8y)
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March 16, 2005
I'm pyrokinetic!
I went out for a smoke break just a bit ago and realized I had left my lighter in the van. I retrieved said lighter and mid-way through my smoke I realized something. This was my second smoke break. I had already had a cigarette. Without a lighter.
There's only one logical explanation - I have superpowers. I unconsciously lit the first cigarette using my mental energies.
I'm currently trying to direct my newfound powers against Boman in the hopes that heat really does sterilize.
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Are you suuuuuuuuuuuuuure????? LOL Or....... are ya just losin your mind? LOL
Posted by: Denise at March 17, 2005 06:08 AM (JTlEe)
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There's one in every office
The gross guy. The one who doesn't understand the social niceties of cleanliness. The guy with the black mouse that started as a white one and a keyboard that makes crunchy sounds when it's used due to the many cracker and chip bits lodged between the keys. The one with stained clothes featuring crusty cuffs from nose wipes and a greasy patch on each thigh from using pants as a napkin substitute.
At my last job this guy was infamous for his unsanitary habits. His cubicle smelled vaguely like a three week old roadkilled opossum dipped in urine. He eventually left us for a fantastic work from home opportunity. We celebrated for a week.
At this job he is known primarily for his personal odors. He has sparkling white teeth that starkly contrast with the brimstone and cabbage that he exhales. How can somebody who obviously brushes regularly have such a mouth odor problem? My theory is that he has no dental hygiene, rotted his teeth out and wears dentures.
He is also possessed of an unearthly stench about his person. It's an odor that says he fell in love with the Shower-to-Shower concept and has accepted talcum powder as his personal savior. He is a master at the Silent But Deadly. I've never heard him cut one loose but he is followed by the permanent aroma of juicy anal exhalation.
I have named him Boman* and he is my personal nemesis.
So, what's your guy like?
* B.O. Man
Posted by: Jim at
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1
My guy grew up in London in the late 50's. His smile is in the book: Big Book of British Smiles. Showers like water was too precious to waste on his body. Insists on sitting really close during depositions and whispering suggestions in my ear. Between the b.o. and the breath, I pretty much am guaranteed to lose my train of thought and need a moment before I can resume the deposition. In the office, we call him Stinky.
Posted by: RP at March 16, 2005 11:47 AM (LlPKh)
2
I don't have one. I work with five women who all smell nice, and one guy who's hardly ever here. But when he is he doesn't smell like 80 different kinds of ass.
Wait. Does that mean I might be the stank dude?
Posted by: shank at March 16, 2005 12:25 PM (+H1yK)
3
Yup. Better check for stains, shank.
Posted by: Jim at March 16, 2005 12:28 PM (tyQ8y)
4
My stanky guy sits in our small office, with no ventillation, farts and then leaves.
Christ almighty that is just so wrong.
He also, everyday, for lunch eats stuff that smells either like ass or roadkill that has been dead for a week.
When talking about him to my hubby I refer to him simply as asshole
Posted by: Machelle at March 16, 2005 01:02 PM (ZAyoW)
5
I don't work with one, but I have plenty of customers (usually cashing a government check of some sort) who come up to my teller window. 5 seconds later, the Wall-O-Reek hits my nose. I wince. I step back. I try to stay polite, not breathe, and work as fast as I can.
Worst part is that some of these people eminate so much stale-beer-and-old-ashtray funk that I can actually TASTE it.
*shudder*
Posted by: Harvey at March 16, 2005 02:36 PM (tJfh1)
6
Well, I work from home. By myself. So it is obvious who the most aromatic of them all at my work place.
Anyone remember the Dilber where he is telecommuting and he is sitting in his bathrobe with a dressed puppet infront of his webcam for meetings? That was pretty realistic.
Posted by: King of Fools at March 16, 2005 04:57 PM (2w8UH)
7
This would also be the same guy that when you have the company holiday luncheon (no specific holiday mentioned so as not to offend) you don't dare ride in his car because it also smells like ass.
Posted by: Frick at March 16, 2005 05:12 PM (IkvNl)
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Oh yeah he orders the "Speedy Plate" (extra beans) at said luncheon, so he can freshen up the company bathroom later in the day
Posted by: Frick at March 16, 2005 05:14 PM (IkvNl)
9
I work with mostly women, and our stink guy is actually a stink gal.
She is a large woman that smells like urine, stale cigarettes, stale beer and rotting garbage. She tries to cover it in cheap perfume, but then you end up with flowery stink. My companie has a Hygene policy and it has been addressed with her, but she is still here.
I can always tell when she is approaching my cubicle, because I can smell her coming.
Posted by: Contagion at March 17, 2005 08:16 AM (Q5WxB)
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My problem at work is with a close talker. I literally have to stick arm out and say, "Close enough chief."
It never seems to sink in. I find myself backing up until I can go no further and then telling him to, "Stop right there."
After three months of me telling to stay out of my personal space he still does it every time I see him.
Posted by: Paul at March 17, 2005 01:07 PM (vbP6L)
11
Hey Contagion I think you have my old college roommate working for you.
Christ almighty I didn't think someone could smell so bad until I had to sleep in the same room as her. We got her kicked out of our room cause she refused to shower.
Posted by: Machelle at March 17, 2005 01:30 PM (ZAyoW)
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March 15, 2005
Happy Anniversary to me!
Today marks the anniversary of one of the happiest days of my life.
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Posted by: Jim at
05:51 AM
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1
Hooray!
Wishing you many more.
Posted by: Paul at March 15, 2005 07:44 AM (vbP6L)
2
You should celebrate. Have you facialed someone today yet?
Posted by: pylorns at March 15, 2005 08:15 AM (FTYER)
3
Not yet, no. But the day is young!
Posted by: Jim at March 15, 2005 08:17 AM (tyQ8y)
4
You remember the day you started masterbating? That's, uh, impressive.

Happy Manniversary!
Posted by: Holly at March 15, 2005 08:23 AM (3SP8e)
5
It was a defining moment. Like finding my long-lost twin.
"Manniversary"...ooh, I like that!
Posted by: Jim at March 15, 2005 08:29 AM (tyQ8y)
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You are REALLY discusting!:-P
Posted by: LW at March 15, 2005 09:15 AM (MDLz3)
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It IS impressive that you remembered the day.
Let's give the man a hand!
We're all pulling for another 23 years!
Swallow your pride and just admit-it's a toss up!
(Dude. Someone had to do it.)
Posted by: Helen at March 15, 2005 10:26 AM (Vd6WF)
8
So sorry-I just googled "slang for masturbation" that had the very best euphemism I have ever heard in my life:
"Date my palm".
Oh yeah. I'm still laughing in an entirely immature way.
Posted by: Helen at March 15, 2005 10:29 AM (Vd6WF)
9
Helen wins! I'm not sure what the contest was but that entry is going to be hard to beat.
(ba-dum-pah)
My favortie euphamism is "Dusting the duvet". It sounds so classy.
Posted by: Jim at March 15, 2005 10:43 AM (tyQ8y)
10
My favorite has always been "punching the clown". It always makes me giggle because deep down I am a 12 year old boy.
Happy Handiversary, J-Snooze.
Posted by: DeAnna at March 15, 2005 12:22 PM (IdVP4)
11
There is no way I could possibly be forced to recall when I discovered the whole palm dating thing. I mean - yeah, I discovered it and all, but I don't remember much about the when... 11, 12 - who knows??? How can you possibly remember this?
Posted by: Clancy at March 15, 2005 01:36 PM (JxYJc)
12
Yeah, there has GOT to be a story here, Jim.
No one really remembers the exact date they discovered self-love!
Posted by: DeAnna at March 15, 2005 05:23 PM (IdVP4)
13
I'm going to say true (whatever happened to that?)
"Choking the monkey" or "Taming the one-eyed blue-viened monster" are two personal favs. It's interesting you remember your first time. Was it good for you, too?
Posted by: Simon at March 15, 2005 07:42 PM (OyeEA)
14
I quote the cousin who apears to favor "spanking the monkey"....
Posted by: LW at March 15, 2005 10:04 PM (MDLz3)
15
LOL! Happy Manniversary
Posted by: vw bug at March 17, 2005 12:31 PM (ZmXG8)
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March 10, 2005
I met Luka
Leaving work the other day I ran into
Luka, of ER fame.
Okay, so he wasn't really Goran Visnjic, he's a programmer from a group I don't usually deal with. But he could be Goran's long lost twin.
He's from Athens (Georgia, not Greece) and has one of the most phenomenal southern drawls I've ever encountered. It was seriously weird looking at this guy who looks just like Luka and hearing Boss Hogg.
When I told Lovely Wife she responded with "He looks like Luka? When do I get to meet him?". Something tells me this guy is swimming in women.
As long as he keeps his mouth shut, anyway.
Interesting... Spellcheck had a problem with "Luka" but "Goran Visnjic" sailed right through. Who's making the dictionaries for these things?
Posted by: Jim at
09:25 AM
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1
Just one thing.....the real Luka is not from Greece but Kroatia.
Dude,I deserve points for that!
Posted by: LW at March 10, 2005 10:41 AM (MDLz3)
2
I meant the guy at work is from the Athens in Georgia, not the Athens in Greece.
But I'll give you a point for clarifying.
Posted by: Jim at March 10, 2005 10:45 AM (tyQ8y)
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All I have to say is huminahumina.
Posted by: Tiffani at March 10, 2005 11:52 AM (KE4Gu)
4
Hmm.... If I weren't married, I do believe I'd be asking to visit your place of work. Just sayin'
Posted by: Boudicca at March 10, 2005 12:45 PM (z7nbM)
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Nuh huh. Not interested. Ya'll can get in line in front of me. He's too broody, too. . .I dunno. Not my type.
As for the spellcheck, as soon as you figure that one out, lemme know.
Posted by: Margi at March 10, 2005 12:56 PM (lWAiX)
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Minus 1 point for spelling Croatia with a 'K'
Posted by: Huts at March 10, 2005 02:30 PM (x7s+C)
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Nope, she's excused for that one. It's spelled with a 'K' over there.
Posted by: Jim at March 10, 2005 03:50 PM (tyQ8y)
Posted by: Huts at March 10, 2005 04:37 PM (x7s+C)
9
Just because you Americans spell everything the way you like it and change things to fit your needs,it doesn't make it right.Its spelled with a K in the country of orign,therefore it IS correct with a K and INCORRECT with a C.
So there.
:-P
Posted by: LW at March 10, 2005 04:46 PM (MDLz3)
10
Next time I'm in Georgia, I'll have to drop some Rolos off at your office.
Posted by: Jennifer at March 10, 2005 05:30 PM (DRmU4)
11
I have but one question: does he live on the second floor?
(I sure hope somebody gets that, or all of y'all will think I'm a nutcase)
Posted by: Kathleen at March 10, 2005 07:12 PM (zGCA0)
12
I'm not sure if he lives on the second floor but we do work on the second floor.
"I look like Luka,
I work on the second floor."
It works.
Posted by: Jim at March 10, 2005 07:25 PM (MDLz3)
13
Who's Luka? I thought that was Helen's MIA teddy bear.
Posted by: Victor at March 11, 2005 01:01 PM (L3qPK)
14
*I'm* in Athens, Georgia! Where is he? Why haven't I seen him?
hubba hubba!
Posted by: Trey Givens at March 14, 2005 09:45 AM (yaMs/)
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March 09, 2005
Bush plot to kill Clinton revealed!
It started innocuously enough. On an ostensibly cooperative "humanitarian" mission to the tsunami ravaged Far East, the senior George Bush connived to get ex-President Bill Clinton, a post-operative heart surgery patient, to
sleep on the cold, hard floor.
The next morning, Bush said he peeked in and saw Clinton sound asleep on the plane's floor. [The article does not mention how Bill then slept through Bush's cackling, maniacal laughter. - ed]
Now we learn that Clinton must undergo another round of surgery to attempt to repair damage to his lungs.
Former President Clinton will undergo a medical procedure this week to remove an unusual buildup of fluid and scar tissue from his chest, six months after he underwent quadruple bypass surgery [And just a few weeks after being forced to sleep on the cold, hard floor. - ed], his office said Tuesday.
You don't have to take your tin foil hat off to connect the dots here, people. You can almost taste the taint of Karl Rove on this plot. This is obviously an attempt by the Bush Monarchy to head off the Hillary Clinton presidential run in 2008. If they succeed in killing off Mr.Clinton they will send poor Hillary into a trough of despair from which her broken heart will never recover. Even if they have a near miss and only turn Bill into a bed-ridden differently-abled individual they know that Hillary will immediately resign her Senate seat and forgo all political ambitions to nurse him and be constantly by his side.
Now the truth is revealed. Who has the guts to brave the stormtroopers of Halliburton to do something about it? The first step is obvious. Everybody needs to link to this post and spread news of the plot. Eventually, if we all do our part, somebody at Reuters who isn't compromised by the jackbooted government thugs will pick it up and spread the truth to the world.
Only the truth, shouted loud and proud, can save Hillary and Bill from this diabolical threat. And as we all know, only Hillary can end the neocon threat, restore us to a life of liberty, and deliver the holy grail of free medical.
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March 04, 2005
There's a rock in my sock
Dopple-G mentioned how much he enjoys a certain type of my stories. Ones like
this, or
this, or maybe even
this. I always aim to please, so...
The other night we had finished with the washing up and sent the boys to put their pajamas on. Burger sometimes has a difficult time with his. He can put on a two-piece with no problem but the one-piece jammies with the footies are a pain. On this occasion he had the footie jammies and he called me in to help him out. I got him dressed and then a problem surfaced.
Burger: Daddy, there's a rock in my foot.
Me: A rock? In your foot?
Burger: Yeah. In my sock.
[Side Note: All three boys smuggle rocks into the house and they turn up constantly in the oddest places. A rock in the freshly laundered pajamas wouldn't be an altogether impossible scenario.]
Me: Let me see.
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Posted by: Jim at
02:50 PM
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1
A moral that should be learned by teachers and day care workers all over the country, I'm sad to say.
Excellent story!
Posted by: RP at March 04, 2005 04:43 PM (LlPKh)
2
Oh god, I need a tissue. You made my eyes run from laughing so hard!! *grumbles* Knew I should have picked up some kleenex...
Posted by: The Webwench at March 04, 2005 07:20 PM (xflu9)
3
I recall my mother telling me similar stories about what she found in my pants...
Posted by: diamond dave at March 04, 2005 10:19 PM (l35ua)
4
I am weeping. That was frickin' great. I can oh so identify... unfortunately.
Posted by: Boudicca at March 04, 2005 11:26 PM (z7nbM)
5
Ya know, Jim, it's not so much the stories as it is how you tell them.
Specifically, your creative vocabulary.... "poopicules" is simply a word you can't get anywhere else.
Which is why I keep coming back here :-)
And I'm just wondering if that's pronounced Greek fashion, like Hercules?... poo-PIC-yoo-leez...
Posted by: Harvey at March 05, 2005 02:24 PM (ubhj8)
6
Love it. I also love that your LW can, indeed, speak Hysterics. She's a good 'un.
P.S. That whole Nekkid In The Streets thing is still not happenin'. Stupid trackback. :: kick ::
Posted by: Margi at March 05, 2005 02:58 PM (zalxZ)
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** wiping eyes ** after laughing so hard I teared up.
I am so with you on this one.
Posted by: vw bug at March 06, 2005 03:23 PM (ILxg4)
8
That you needed reminding of one of the basic laws of parenting is a shame on us all. Might be time for a parenting guide.
Posted by: Simon at March 07, 2005 01:38 AM (OyeEA)
9
ROFL - I don't even have kids, and that just made me laugh so hard I cried! Thanks :-)
Posted by: Barb at March 08, 2005 12:35 AM (g9qHI)
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March 01, 2005
It's getting dark in here...
10:30
The power is out. Apparently the construction workers putting up a building across the street did something bad. Georgia Power has advised that it will be about a half hour before power is restored. In the words of our receptionist who relayed the message "...but you know how that goes."
The handful of us with laptops are good until our batteries go down, so I've launched every program on the PC and turned the screen brightness up to max.
12:15
The network finally went down. UPS units on the web servers are only good for so long. This means I no longer have anything productive to do. It also means I'm typing this in Notepad and will be uploading it later.
12:45
Lights are back on. Still no cube power so nobody with desktops can do anything. No network means I'm still playing FreeCell.
1:05
The network lives! No cube power. Two hours remaining on my laptop battery.
Time for blogreading? Heh.
1:10
People keep coming by my cube staring at my laptop covetously. It is dangerous to be among a hundred nerds who are cut off from the internet. I keep getting visions of Lord of the Flies where I'm Piggy and they want my glasses.
(Continued in the Extended Entry)
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Posted by: Jim at
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1
Poor piggy...I just saw that movie with my son. His first time not mine.
Posted by: Tiffani at March 01, 2005 02:44 PM (KE4Gu)
2
Ah! Tiffani, what did you do? The whole post is gone!
Posted by: Jim at March 01, 2005 03:02 PM (tyQ8y)
Posted by: Tiffani at March 01, 2005 03:25 PM (KE4Gu)
4
Ah, it weren't you, Tiffani. It was my own bungling.
However, based on the lost awesometude of this post I am now in a funk.
Weep with me, my children.
Posted by: Jim at March 01, 2005 03:44 PM (tyQ8y)
Posted by: Jim at March 02, 2005 08:10 AM (tyQ8y)
6
The power at my plant goes out all the time, fire will do that ya know.
Anyway, they don't put generator power in the bathrooms so one must always have a flashlight handy just in case.
Cause peeing in pitch black dark is an adventure one should never experience.
Posted by: Machelle at March 02, 2005 10:29 AM (ZAyoW)
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