Because he loves them so.

Posted by: Jim at 09:07 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 13 words, total size 1 kb.

Me: Is "ballsacks" one word or two?

Coworker: Just one.

Me: Are you sure? Spellcheck says it's two.

Coworker: Try spellchecking "spellcheck".

[Pause]

Me: Oh. I see.

Coworker: Yeah. If the damn thing can't even recognize it's own name you can be pretty sure it's clueless about ballsacks.

Posted by: Jim at 08:44 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 55 words, total size 1 kb.

I'm old. As evidence I present this conversational snippet from Monday:

Bear: Do you know what tomorrow is?

Me: What's tomorrow?

Bear: Tuesday!

Me: Yeah, the chances are high that tomorrow will be a Tuesday.

Bear: Do you know what else is tomorrow?

Me: The day before Wednesday?

Bear: Your birthday!

Me: It is? Are you sure?

Bear: Yeah!!

Me: How about that... Hey, how old will I be?

Bear: Real old. Sixty-three.

Me: Sixty...three...??

Bear: I meant thirty-six! It just looks almost the same as sixty-three!

So there you have it out of the mouths of babes. Or at least out of the mouth of a cheeky six year-old. I'm just hoping that "it" was the numerals and not my aging carcass.

Hmmm...I'd better be careful around the homestead. I can now be legally exchanged for two eighteen year-olds...

Posted by: Jim at 05:32 AM | Comments (20) | Add Comment
Post contains 144 words, total size 1 kb.

1 Happy Birthday Jim! Don't worry Jim she won't trade you in, old age and treachery win out over youth and enthusiasm every time. Especially with the creation of "the little blue pill".

Posted by: phin at August 03, 2005 05:51 AM (DGPlf)

2 Happy Birthday! You youngster!

Posted by: vw bug at August 03, 2005 06:38 AM (dkZJv)

3 Happy Belated Birthday!

Posted by: Machelle at August 03, 2005 09:06 AM (ZAyoW)

4 Happy Birthday!!!! I'll have a shot in your honor!

Posted by: Tiffani at August 03, 2005 09:31 AM (KE4Gu)

5 Have a wonderful birthday!

Posted by: kitty at August 03, 2005 11:31 AM (uFhgB)

6 Happy Birthday, Jim. Geez, all these late July/early August birthdays. Sounds like your parents had a fun Thanksgiving... ;-)

Posted by: Bou at August 03, 2005 02:23 PM (5JHEt)

7 How mean! I give everyone plenty of notice before my birthday for gift getting... Now, all you get is my sincerest HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Posted by: DeAnna at August 03, 2005 02:56 PM (IdVP4)

8 Happy belated birthday. No matter how old I get, you'll always be 5 years older. I like that in a person.

Posted by: Jennifer at August 03, 2005 03:43 PM (FfRxo)

9 My very best belated happy birthday wishes! When you coming to NY so we can drink to your birthday?

Posted by: RP at August 03, 2005 03:45 PM (LlPKh)

10 Never,NY is just not on the list anymore unless its Niagara Falls.LOL

Posted by: LW at August 03, 2005 05:16 PM (oqu5j)

11 I'm late in saying it publicly, but on the day? I was early. Happy birthday, babes

Posted by: Helen at August 03, 2005 05:37 PM (ATx6T)

12 Happy Birthday, old man!

Posted by: Pam at August 03, 2005 05:38 PM (zelz2)

13 Happy birthday, Jim. But come on, what would LW want with 2 18year olds? She already has you trained and with two it'd be like puppies, the hedaches are exponential, not additive. Nah, don't worry something like that until you're at least 50. :-D

Posted by: tommy at August 03, 2005 08:51 PM (OJ+GI)

14 Happy Belated Jim.

Posted by: Denise at August 04, 2005 06:27 AM (JTlEe)

15 happy bday! although a day late and a dollar short...

Posted by: pylorns at August 04, 2005 08:22 AM (FTYER)

16 Happy Birthday... late... again... as usual.

Posted by: Contagion at August 04, 2005 08:34 AM (Q5WxB)

17 Did you get Bubbleman for your birthday? Happy B-Day Jim!

Posted by: Morrigan at August 04, 2005 10:39 PM (Qwj4T)

18 Thanks, y'all! Mo - No Bubbleman for me but I did get a selection of very tasty beers. I can make my own bubbles with that. ;-)

Posted by: Jim at August 05, 2005 07:46 AM (tyQ8y)

19 Happy Belated Birthday!

Posted by: pam at August 05, 2005 01:40 PM (l6NIn)

20 Happy belated birthday! I know it ain't easy being 63. Now I understand why you don't post frequently. Too many bathroom visits and you can't find your glasses.

Posted by: Michele at August 05, 2005 11:55 PM (ht2RK)

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Bear got quite a load for his birthday this year. With the money that Grandma and Uncle sent he bought a slew of Bionicle toys. With the money that Aunt sent he purchased for himself a little digital camera. He was so excited about the camera and went around taking hundreds of pictures yesterday. Literally. We have almost two hundred snaps of the television. We'll be working on subject quality now.

The camera is pretty neat for a little $20 job. It taks halfway decent pictures if you and the subject are both perfectly still. Of course that means that most of the pictures that Bear has taken are massive colorful blurs (except for the television shots - those are all crystal clear). It also functions as a screencam and takes movie clips.

Movie clips. That's pretty cool.

So here I am. A somewhat morally challenged but otherwise healthy adult male. Alone at the computer with a digital camera that takes movie clips. Of course I did what any other Id deficient fella would have done in my place. I made a clip of myself masturbating.

Just have to remember to take that file out of the default save folder. Wouldn't want to traumatize the kids. Or the Lovely Wife.

Posted by: Jim at 06:38 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 212 words, total size 1 kb.

1 I am severely disappointed in you, Jim! Where's the sound????

Posted by: Susie at August 01, 2005 11:09 AM (PWYyH)

2 It could have been a little bigger, it's kind of hard to see.

Posted by: Machelle at August 01, 2005 01:33 PM (ZAyoW)

3 Dude, talk about dripping with gay.

Posted by: shank at August 01, 2005 07:17 PM (jfEhX)

4 We're running with a theme here as of late, Jim. Shaving balls and clips of your masturbating. What's next? Ack?! Did I ask that? ;-)

Posted by: Bou at August 02, 2005 03:53 PM (5JHEt)

5 Waaaaah! I can't view the clip!

Posted by: diamond dave at August 02, 2005 05:00 PM (Wa0Qh)

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Blackmoth the Terriblest was just too cute and we've been trying to trick him into a repeat performance. Last night as we were tucking the boys into bed we finally just came out and asked him.

Lovely Wife: Goodnight Blackmoth.

Burger: I'm not Blackmoth.

Me: You were Blackmoth the other night.

Burger: No I wasn't.

Bacon: Yeah, no he isn't.

Me: Sure you were. With the Power Rangers sheet over your head...remember?

Lovely Wife: It was Aladdin sheets, actually.

Burger: No. Not me.

Me: You don't remember jumping into our room and yelling "I'm Blackmoth!"?

Burger: I'm not Blackmoth. I'm Burger.

Lovely Wife: Well you were pretending to be Blackmoth.

Burger: No. Not me. I'm not Blackmoth.

And then it hit me. Of course he won't admit to being Blackmoth! He's in his cover identity of Burger Peacock. Only his closest and darkest associates and henchmen (aka Bacon) are permitted to know that Burger, unassuming neighborhood kid, is actually Blackmoth the Terriblest, nefarious watcher of Nick at Night.

He's good. Oh, he's real good.

Posted by: Jim at 12:57 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 184 words, total size 1 kb.

The boys are allowed to watch TV before they go to bed. The objective here is some quiet relaxation time so we're not pouring wired up kids into their beds with instructions to fall asleep. The caveat is that their selection is pretty limited. Channels like Discovery, Animal Planet and The History Channel are allowed. Their favorite channels (Nick, Cartoon Network) are not. The nighttime programming on those two is simply not acceptable for little kids.

Sometimes it works well, other times not quite. Lately they've been using quiet relaxation time for ninja fights and trampoline contests on the bed. When the noise level creeps up to levels noticeable to the fascist regulators (that's us) the TV goes off and they are put straight to bed. This has been happening with greater frequency of late so is high in our minds as bedtime approaches.

The other night as the boys are cleaning up their rooms in preparation for turning in, Lovely Wife and I were in our room making our bed. Bear walked in with a request. more...

Posted by: Jim at 10:21 AM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
Post contains 467 words, total size 3 kb.

Given: Home improvements are an investment.

Given: Investments are money.

Given: Momma always say to put your money away for a rainy day.

Ergo: You should only paint the house if it's raining.

The fact that you can't paint your house if it is raining is just a side benefit.

Posted by: Jim at 09:34 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 58 words, total size 1 kb.

1 hmm... using that logic... saving money for a rainy day is preparing for a rainy day... so you should paint your house *before* it rains. Its Good Advice(tm)

Posted by: Evil Glen at July 05, 2005 10:46 PM (8D893)

2 hehehe...

Posted by: Pam at July 07, 2005 12:18 PM (Dv1Pr)

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So the other day we were out enjoying the beautiful Atlanta weather. Bear spontaneously started dancing a little jig and singing to himself.

[spin, twist, dip]

Hey now there you

[cabbage patch with head bob]

Can I punch you

[shoulder shake, butt shake]

In the

[stop moving, protracted pause after looking up and realizing everybody is watching, revert to normal voice]

I have no idea what I'm talking about.

So politics are not in the future. He's going to have way too many skeletons in the closet.

Things are looking good for being the next prophet of Scientology though.

Posted by: Jim at 01:42 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 77 words, total size 1 kb.

The Production Manager at my old job in Buffalo had a green plastic button on his desk labeled "Make Everything Go Smoothly". It was just a plastic novelty piece and obviously didn't do anything but when things got stressful he's press it and it would make him feel better. Sort of a psychological soothing feeling came from pressing that worthless button. I just discovered that this concept is widely implemented.

Elevator doors irritate me. When you are moving toward them they are closing. When everybody is on or off the elevator they stand open. There's a solution for the latter one though - the "Close Doors" button. But does this button do anything? It makes you feel better when you press it. You are actually doing something concrete to address your current situation. It is empowering. But is it useful? It never actually seems to make the doors close any faster than they normally would.

Just now, on an impulse (I get these quite often when I'm alone on in an elevator), I popped the "Close Doors" button out of the console. While it was definitely a button it was no more functional than my old PM's magic green button. There was nothing behind the button at all. Just empty space and the unfinished interior wall of the elevator.

I can't decide what to do now - spread the information around to the people here or keep it my secret and giggle inside whenever I see somebody pressing the magic button.

Or maybe a mixture of the two? Wait until the satisfied expression lights up the face of the button presser and then give the news that their action is ultimately worthless.

Yeah, I think that last option is the one I'll go with.

Posted by: Jim at 12:25 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
Post contains 298 words, total size 2 kb.

I helped to move Dopple-G this weekend. He (fortunately) wasn't in the immediate area to hear most some of these:

Oh! That was unfortunate.

Did you just hit the wall with that truck?
No.
[crunch]
How about now?

A little masking tape and that hutch will be as good as new.

[At a stop light a black Denali (that's a big-ass SUV, in case you're not familiar) with oversized racing tires drove past.]
You've really got to feel sorry for a guy with a penis that small.

That dresser will go in the bedroom.
Really? Thanks, Galileo.

So that's what 'fragile' means.

What the hell is on that mattress?
I don't know, but it sure is salty.

It'll fit, just deflate it a bit more.

What are you doing in there?
Christening the new bathroom.
Christening?
You're right - it's more of a baptism.

You're drinking beer?
Hell, it's twelve o'clock somewhere.
I think the phrase is "it's five o'clock somewhere".
Shit. It's five o'clock somewhere too.

Good times.

Posted by: Jim at 03:36 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 154 words, total size 1 kb.

Everybody dogs on France because ... well, mostly because they're French. I think that by now everybody has seen the list of French military defeats. They've pretty much lost every major and minor military conflict since bronze was first beaten into a spearpoint.

But do we have to keep saying that they are incompetent military losers who haven't won a war during their past twenty governments? This is a kinder, gentler world. A world of PC feel-goodness, verbal cuddling and slash-Americans. Can't we think of a nicer way to express the deficiencies of the French armed forces? I think we can. Try this on for size:

"The French army has consistently finished in the top 3 against every opponent they have faced. In fact, in the vast majority of conflicts, they have achieved the second best performance. The French armed forces are truly Silver Medal quality."

Now isn't that better?

Posted by: Jim at 05:50 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 158 words, total size 1 kb.

We have three urinals in the men's room here at work. With one men's room and 60 or so guys it's fairly common to see somebody else in there when you go to drain the main vein. One fellow worker has been a cause of concern. You see, any time I walk in and he's there he is occupying the center urinal. As you all know, this is classified as a major violation according to the BBMRE*.

If you are the first fella at a bank of three urinals you should be occupying an outer urinal. Preferably the one closest to the door so your presence is more easily noted by others entering the bathroom and you are thereby more easily avoided. Taking the center urinal is a major violation because it almost guarantees AUWC**.

I don't think that most women understand AUWC so I'll attempt to clarify. It is not a "gay thing", it's a "guy thing". Homosexual men avoid AUWC just as stringently as straight men. The basic rule is that you do not stand next to another man and piss unless forced to do so by situations outside of your control (the "last urinal" exemption) or during temporary suspension of the AUWC rule caused by sporting events and alcohol or the presence of snow banks or open fire pits.

This fellow's habitual use of the center urinal clearly marked him as either etiquettely challenged or a pervert.

I'm happy to say that he is neither. Just moments ago I went to pay off the interest on a coffee loan and happened to walk into the bathroom right behind him. He went first to the preferred urinal (the one closest to the door), sighed in disappointment, and flushed it. He then went to the secondary urinal (the other outside urinal), sighed deeper, muttered a curse, and flushed it. Only then did he go to the center urinal to do his business.

Mystery solved. He's not a pervert, he's just another victim of the filthy bastards here who don't know how to flush a urinal.

I'm very relieved.

* Big Book of Men's Room Etiquette
** Adjacent Urination Without Cause

Posted by: Jim at 10:35 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
Post contains 371 words, total size 2 kb.

Apparently my behavior at work hasn't been up to par as of late (the past five years). I received a memo, via e-mail, of things I'm no longer allowed to do at work. I'm not sure if I should read too much into this, as it's probably my boss's idea of a joke. But he's serious it's going to be awfully dull around here.

The List:

• Leave open cans of potted meat or sardines in the boss's office; I was only offering him a mid-day snack.
• Set the "On Hold" Music to the Llama Song.
• Fill the boss's desk drawers with Styrofoam packing peanuts.
• Set the boss's computer up with a Barbie, Sponge Bob Square Pants, Fraggle Rock or Muppets Themes.

Posted by: phin at 02:11 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 337 words, total size 3 kb.

My girlfriend and I have the unwritten rule of three-

This is, simply put- A free pass to sleep with three pre-agreed upon famous people should we ever get the chance. ItÂ’s a nice little semi-harmless exercise- We get to hoot, whistle and drool unabashedly in front of each other when any of the five chosen ones appear on TV.
Yes, I did say five. (More on that in a minute..)

more...

Posted by: Rob P at 11:10 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 358 words, total size 2 kb.

Helen has a list of demands for the world at large. It's good stuff - mostly common sense things like having an option for a non-shedding cat (besides those nasty hairless ones, of course). I put a couple of my own in her comments but my brain has been on fire since then and has regurgitated its own list.

Dear World, the following are my demands:

* Stop making hot sauces turn my ass into a fiery red inferno of pain and bloody leakage the next day. I know back in the day that this was a mark of honor and gave me bragging rights to show off my consumption of deadly spices but these days I'm not showing off at all. Honest. I just like the taste and would like to enjoy it without the specter of a disintegrating colon hanging over my head.

* Please throw whatever switch is needed in women's heads so they'll understand that it is not necessary to have any particular objective in mind in order to purchase a reciprocating saw. Having a reciprocating saw is self justifying just because it is. more...

Posted by: Jim at 10:21 AM | Comments (18) | Add Comment
Post contains 531 words, total size 3 kb.

1 Placing the words "disintegrating colon" in the top entry might have been a bad idea. I just didn't have the stomach to venture further. Reordering might be in order.

Posted by: Tig at May 13, 2005 11:13 AM (CWhYh)

2 That's there intentionally. To set the mood, know what I mean?

Posted by: Jim at May 13, 2005 11:18 AM (tyQ8y)

3 I want a working hallodeck.

Posted by: Paul at May 13, 2005 11:22 AM (vbP6L)

4 Considering that whoever is filling these demands is going to start with the easiest to fill, I would like it to be known that I want a sit-on-top ocean kayak. For one person or two, it doesn't matter. I'll let Paul use it if he shares the hallodeck every once in a while.

Posted by: shank at May 13, 2005 11:32 AM (+H1yK)

5 You are really in touch with your backside today-4 of those have to do with the nether regions.. Aww, what the hell. (We'll call it "anal awareness") In college, we had three main sources of nutrition- Beer, ramen noodles and 10 cent wings. The after effects of beer mixed with speech defect-inducing hot sauce were affectionately referred to as "Sh*tting a running chainsaw" or "giving birth to aliens". Oh- And I want to be invisible for a day so I can hide in the ladies room and lift all the seats.

Posted by: Rob P at May 13, 2005 12:20 PM (i3q83)

6 Here's the trick with the reciprocating saw. Just go buy one, but keep it hidden from the wife. Once you have one, you will find a need for it, I promise. When I bought mine I wasn't sure what I'd need it for. And now I've used it on just about every project to date. Anyway - once you have the saw and you've identified several uses for it, start the project and stop midway (while the house is a mess) and declare your need for the saw. The wife will relent. Then, you can go to the range and drive a bucket of balls (while she thinks you're out buying a saw you already own). It's just a shame that LW reads these posts - I'm sure you could have gotten away with this!

Posted by: Clancy at May 13, 2005 01:51 PM (JxYJc)

7 Clancy,I have the financial and bank access....no hiding for him anyways.hehehe Jim.....about the hot sauce:THIS is coming out the mouth of the one who cooks that hot crap and risks that wife and kids suffocate while you do that?LOLLOL

Posted by: LW at May 13, 2005 02:43 PM (MDLz3)

8 At least you know that you're not the only one who's suffering. ;-)

Posted by: Jim at May 13, 2005 02:46 PM (tyQ8y)

9 yeah...and while you're making your demand for minivans to be cool, why don't you ask for something equally preposterous--like hilary clinton turning from the dark side or Ted Kennedy drying up.

Posted by: Pam at May 13, 2005 03:15 PM (D1bQr)

10 Jim, I have a Sanyo 4900 and it has an Airplane Mode. I know Sprint has a couple other phones that have that. I'm not sure about other carriers, although I would think there has to be other phones that have that feature.

Posted by: Ryan at May 13, 2005 03:19 PM (ZfnIz)

11 Come on now, a cool minivan is at least THEORETICALLY possible. I bet they could turn out a sweet one on "Pimp my Ride".

Posted by: Jim at May 13, 2005 03:23 PM (tyQ8y)

12 Ryan - Sweet! Item #3 is already being granted. The rest of them should fall like dominos.

Posted by: Jim at May 13, 2005 03:25 PM (tyQ8y)

13 theory aint reality, bub. hehe... P.S. I have driven a minivan for 10 years and rarely if EVER do i get even an acknowledgement from masareti owners.hehe.. On the flipside, i drove my husbands '68 buick once and I got LOTS of attention. Granted, it was from illegal mexicans, but a girl's gotta take what she can get! ;-)

Posted by: Pam at May 13, 2005 03:37 PM (D1bQr)

14 "Does poop really need to smell that bad" I never really knew I could gag from bad smelling poop until we got a dog. I know when I get old and have to live on dog food I know which brand I won't be buying. Blech.

Posted by: Machelle at May 13, 2005 03:49 PM (ZAyoW)

15 I'd like a 'This is gonna come up and bite you in the ass' flag, built into MS Project. This week, it would've come in handy. Pass me my whoopee cushion.

Posted by: knpepper at May 13, 2005 05:16 PM (ehn/V)

16 All I want is teleportation... that's it. No traffic jams, no being late to work, and being able to hit Starbucks on the spur of the moment. My poop could gag me to death as long as I had teleportation.

Posted by: Wendy at May 14, 2005 02:25 AM (lVGGv)

17 Gimme a "T" Gimmie an "M" Gimmie an "I" [running chainsaw?!? yikes] Here's a couple of ideas born out of experience: If the lady doesn't see the inherent value in that saw, let her use it for a while. [In my case] that would involve showing her the basics, leaving the book handy [yes, men, these things come with The Book] and then going away for a while and letting her play with it. 'Til she's done. If that's a no-go, make the saw / shoes analogy. "The perfect project / outfit *will* come along; then where will I be?"

Posted by: Claire at May 14, 2005 11:46 AM (l1oyw)

18 A big YES from the House of Bou on the cool state of the mini-van. I'm tired of being the asexual Mom person who drives a mini-van. I'd think the probabiity of getting colon cancer is significantly smaller if you're constantly burning it out...

Posted by: Boudicca at May 14, 2005 03:47 PM (z7nbM)

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The argument between the Creationists/Intelligent Design people and the Scientific/Many Pens in the Pocket community is a fiery and contentious thing. The battle is waged in the legislature, in school boards around the country and in uncountable online communities and their offline equivalent, Starbucks.

I always counted myself among the enlightened skeptics until this morning in the shower when I realized that there really did have to be something behind the design of the human body. There is one feature of the male body that is so perfectly designed for its use that the mere thought that it might have resulted from happenstance is simply ludicrous. One area that if it were even marginally different would have spelled the extinction of our race.

I speak of course of the male's lack of boobies. Imagine if you will a world where men had boobies. Men are unable to resist the draw of a boobie. We are genetically programmed to want to play with them (that's why they call them "fun bags" you know). We want to fondle them, jiggle them, wiggle them and squoosh them into a single virtual boobie with two nipples. Speaking of nipples, we have a serious fixation with manipulating those suckers too.

Imagine what things would be like if every man on the planet had a pair of boobies that they were allowed to play with at any time. No constructive work would ever be done. Meetings, already a bastion of inefficiency, would become a total farce as nobody would be paying attention except perhaps for a moment or two between sessions of fondling their boobies.

Sales of disposable razors would skyrocket though. Furry boobies are a major turn-off so most guys would be shaving their chests. That would of course add considerable time to a guy's morning routine. Not only the time spent shaving the boobies but the aftermath of the shaving itself. Seriously now, what do you think would happen when a guy was confronted by a well lathered set of boobies? Tardiness at work would be a huge problem.

It's obvious then that men don't have boobies for a reason. If the Creationists ever get a hold on this argument they'll easily win the whole debate.

Posted by: Jim at 09:58 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
Post contains 380 words, total size 2 kb.

I just figured this out and it is so cool I had to share it with all of you. Every word really does mean 'nads'. Just put it in the right context and BLAMMO, it's nads. Here's an example:

He missed the line drive and the ball smacked him right in the wall socket.

Now 'wall socket' doesn't ordinarily mean 'nads', right? Well, not in your everyday conversation anyway. But just by creating the imagery of a guy getting a line drive in the groin we've made a normally placid and harmless word mean 'nads'. Isn't that great?

Here's another one:

Never drive naked. Bob did that last Tuesday and got his block and tackle stuck to the seat.

Hee hee hee. I feel so naughty. I'll never think of pulleys the same way again.

Hey, wouldn't 'pulleys' be a good euphemism for wanking off? Just thought of that.

Sorry. Got sidetracked. Back to the nads. This is just the coolest thing. I'll be doing this for hours.

Go ahead. Try it for yourselves.

Posted by: Jim at 12:04 PM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
Post contains 182 words, total size 1 kb.

In a couple of weeks we'll be traveling to Spokane. I'm going to basically be on blog-hiatus for eight days. The Snooze gets bitchy and moody if I ignore it for more than a weekend so it is imperative that I find a couple of blogsitters. If you are interested in putting up some content while I'm off gallivanting just submit the following application* in the comments: more...

Posted by: Jim at 12:48 PM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
Post contains 348 words, total size 3 kb.

1 Jim, I grew up in Spokane. You have my sympathies

Posted by: The Webwench at May 02, 2005 09:21 PM (/vHVW)

2 1. Diamond Dave (you know my real name) 2. Last weekend 3. 36 4. Blue 5. FartBlast 6. Yes 7. Not yet (but almost) 8. Lawrenceville PD 9. Machiavellian (but I really prefer Klingon) 10. OK, but you asked for it 11. Whadafuk? 12. hanging tongue 13. Thank you! 14. Well, I could tryyyy...... 15. If I had to. 16. I'm tired of growing up. I want to go back to kindergarten. 17. Musings about life and death and everything in between. 18. Jealous, are you? 19. Tae kwon do, netsurfing, sex. 20. You asked. 21. Actually this looked like a good questionnaire, so I commented. I sometimes think up something good, but not on a regular basis (which is why I don't have my own blog). I don't need any more responsibility, so you don't have to choose me. Seriously. I'm happy with the occasional Snoozebob post. As far as energy sources, let's fuel power plants by incinerating garbage. We'll never run out of that.

Posted by: diamond dave at May 02, 2005 09:22 PM (OPflN)

3 1. Denise 2. As often as I can get it. 3. Never ask a woman her age! But if you really want to know .... OLD! 4. Blue 5. None that i know of, unless you consider multiple personalities a super power. 6. No 7. NO. 8. If it happens, I am sure that it would be Harvey. 9. Hasn't happened yet. 10. HELL NO. 11. Who cares. 12. hanging testicles 13. Sorry. 14. Not really. 15. Yes. 16. I don't wanna grow up. I wanna be a Toys R Us kid. 17. No clue. 18. Not really. 19. Sex, reading, playing BHD. 20. That bad, huh? 21. Trick question. You didn't say open your booklet.

Posted by: Denise at May 03, 2005 12:26 PM (JTlEe)

4 Hey! Spo-caine ain't all THAT bad. ;o) As for your applications -- I dunno about guest-posting, but I think we got ourselves a love connection here. Denise, meet Dave. Dave, Denise. It could be a cute first date type post. [Forgetitall if you're already married n' shit. I ain't no homewrecker.]

Posted by: Margi at May 03, 2005 06:24 PM (lWAiX)

5 You're right, it does kinda look like a first-date post. I am married, however.

Posted by: diamond dave at May 03, 2005 10:08 PM (OPflN)

6 LOL ..... Hi Dave. Hi Margi! By the way, I am married too!

Posted by: Denise at May 04, 2005 06:42 AM (JTlEe)

7 Yikes. Now this is starting to sound like a swingers board...

Posted by: diamond dave at May 04, 2005 04:35 PM (r8BvQ)

8 Nothing wrong with that!

Posted by: Jim at May 05, 2005 03:56 PM (tyQ8y)

9 Hmm..... looks like you got only two biters Jim! LOL Maybe it was the length of the application?! Or, that no one feels they could live up to your story telling abilities? *tilting head*

Posted by: Denise at May 05, 2005 05:24 PM (JTlEe)

10 1) Rob 2) Male 3) Younger than dirt, older than your kids. 4) Green. As in the lovely color o' cash. 5) Tantric Sex. Except when someone else is in the room. 6) Nope. I'm a compulsive commenter- Failed comment rehab twice. 7) Why, yes. Yes I have. No one. I was feeling needy and wanted the attention. 9) I inflicted myself upon the general public. 'Nuff said. 10) Pfft. Please. 11) Who cares. I have enough imaginary friends to have an imaginary life. Don't need no steenking bennifer. 12) Levels of sodium and nitrates. Maybe that's why he licks himself. 13) *bows* 14) Nope. But you can fix it. 15) Maybe. I am a geek after all. 16) Hugh Heffner, circa 1980's. 17) Inane observations, pithy quotes and quips. 1 That's twice- I'm getting good at this, no? 19) I have no "hobbies". I have "part-time obsession disorder". Hobbies are for bingo-addicted Grandmas and basement dwelling gamerz. I am a wild-eyed pamphleteer, a picker and a grinner and a total dork. 20) No instructions to open said (and nonexistent) booklets were given as of yet. I will wait, imperiously tapping my foot. Still waiting. Fine. I'm leaving. Who needs your dumb booklet. It's probably pictures of you and that cow. (BTW, the cow called. She says you never write, you never call, and she wants to know about this rash she has.)

Posted by: Rob at May 06, 2005 08:45 AM (i3q83)

11 Hah! Take that, Denise!

Posted by: Jim at May 06, 2005 09:52 AM (tyQ8y)

12 Application out of pity? LOL HA! Take that Jimbo! LOL

Posted by: Denise at May 06, 2005 12:43 PM (JTlEe)

13 Oops, read this post too fast for the brain to entirely catch and thought you were on hiatus NOW. Mea buggery culpa. However, then, you have no excuse to take up the challenge I tossed at you in my last post. Neener.

Posted by: LeeAnn at May 06, 2005 02:01 PM (vqSdN)

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In a recent meeting my technical lead on the MonsterOfAllProjects told me "It's not important that you know what you're doing. It's only important that you do it correctly." He was referring to my numerous questions about HOW THIS THING WORKED.

The shift from Quality Assurance to Project Management is a bit weird in this. I'm going from needing a full understanding of the process in order to bugger the hell out of it expose its weaknesses to needing to know absolutely nothing about the process. It was explained to me thusly:

Tech Lead: "Tell us what you're putting in and tell us what you want to come out. The rest is ours."

Me: "Wait a sec. 'The rest' is what I'm used to dealing with."

Tech Lead: "Not any more. Mwah hah hah hah hah!!"

The evil laugh might have been a tad shorter but that was essentially how the conversation went. So now I have to change my wall sign from "If you build it, it will crash" to "Garbage in, garbage out".

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1 You have a sign too? Mine says "Please Do NOT Feed the Analyst." I know it's lame, but no one ever does anything zany in my office. I had to put a stop to that boring nonsense.

Posted by: shank at April 29, 2005 01:41 PM (+H1yK)

2 Hye that makes three of us with signs, except mine came from Despair.com. The signs I have are: Mettings and Get to Work

Posted by: phin at April 29, 2005 03:38 PM (Xvpen)

3 Welcome to my side of the sandbox! Loving it yet?!?! Garbage in Garbage out is good. Personally, mine says "No Whining" - you know, "Whining" in big letters, red circle, line slashing through it. Of course, no one comes by my cubby except Bear and he can't read, so guess who the sign's for, hmm???? Get the PMBOK. Join the PMI. You are part of the PM Colective, now Resistance is futile.

Posted by: Elizabeth at May 02, 2005 10:18 AM (LrGDI)

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I had a long meeting scheduled today. It is for a program asset database - a central location for all documentation, references and all information on every program we own, build or use. The idea started small and has been growing daily as more and more departments think of information that they want to store.

Today's meeting was to go over the high level requirements and get a basic development strategy. This way a decent development estimate could be made and we could take that to the Legion of Doom executive review board for cost approval. It was going to be a hellabad meeting.

I got there a few minutes early as usual. I set up the laptop, got on the network and hooked up to the overhead projector. I even plugged into the wall since the meeting was probably going to go longish and I didn't want to deal with any battery issues or that incredibly irritating screen-dimming.

People started arriving. The Vice President of Development. A Director of Application Development. Another Director of Application Development. The Vice President of Product & Quality Assurance. It dawned on me that I had all of the top people* responsible for all of our product development together in one room**. That's how big the scope for this program had become. I would have been nervous but my flight/fight reflex had landed firmly in fight mode. more...

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