For the ladies - Why we are the way we are

One burning question has lingered in the thoughts of women across the world since the very beginning of civilization. "Why the hell are guys like that?" Or more specifically, "Why can't I have a rational conversation with a guy without him looking at my boobs every five seconds or having his eyes glaze over as he strokes his mental stiffy with thoughts of me in a naughty French maid outfit, two nipple clamps and a short but firm whip?"

The Male Conspiracy has kept the answer to this question closely guarded, forcing you gals to come up with your own wild conjectures. Some of you have studied animal behaviors and attributed those to us. Others say that evolution has programmed us with this behavior and even millenia of civilized living cannot counter that. Still others blame our culture for fostering an ideal of the womanhunter that we all strive unconciously to attain.

Nope. The true answer is that fire is the reason and you are the cause. Totally, completely, 100%, en totale your fault. You did it. Well maybe not you specifically but other women like you. Specifically, it was our Moms. more...

Posted by: Jim at 09:17 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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What do you do for a living?

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Would you screw Hillary? (SBD)

WARNING: Crude and vulgar stuff ahead.

On the ride into work today, G and I got on Hillary Clinton. Not literally on her, of course; she wasn't in the car with us. But we talked about her in the context of the 2008 election and what would happen if it came down to Condi and Hill. G thinks Condi would blow her away. I also think Condi would win but it would be close.

>From there the conversation naturally turned to sex with Hillary. Yes, that is a natural turn of conversation given the ungodly hour, the fact that she's female and that we are both heterosexual males. Actually the stream of conversation went sort of like this:

• Rush Limbaugh is a racist bastard. He intimated that McNabb is a popular quaterback because he's black and people want to see a successful black quarterback.


• That's just plain stupid thinking. 20 years ago it might have been plausible but there are loads of black quaterbacks, coaches, etc.


• Even outside of sports it's not plausible. Look at the Bush government. Conaleeza Rice and Colin Powell are two of the most powerful people in America and they're black.


• Either Colin or Condi will probably run in 2008.


• Bush is a lock in 2004 because the Radical Left is polarizing the Dems.


• Hillary is setting up for a 2008 run too. She's marginalizing the Left Dems already and will be in an excellent position to say "Told ya so. Let's try it my way" when Bush squashes whatever loon makes it out of the current Dem candidate pack to challenge him.


• Condi vs. Hillary in 2008 is not only possible, it's actually likely.


• Condi would crush Hill (G) or at least win on a margin (Me).


• I hate Hillary with a deep burning passion.


• I don't hate Hillary as a person but as a public persona and especially as a politician.


• I wouldn't hold it against Hillary if she slept around on Bill.


• Would you sleep with Hillary?

That last point of the conversation got the most development. It devolved evolved into a hypothetical situation. If you were unattached would you screw Hillary? This would be a boytoy position where she gives you presents and you regularly fuck her brains out. For both G and I the answer was a firm "Yes, I would most certainly bury my cock in that muff on a regular basis in return for gifts and perhaps notoriety. Where are my manwhore shoes?"

Before I lose all of your respect, please let me answer some of the inevitable questions:

You said you hate her. Why would you have sex with somebody you hate?
I don't hate her, the person. Unlike many very vocal pundits I am more than able to separate the person from the politician. I have never personally met Hillary so I have no idea if I would actually hate her. I hate her lying, cheating, power grubbing, Clintonian ways. For all I know she's quite pleasant in person. In fact, she's probably quite charming face to face. You sort of have to be to get into a Senate seat.

Okay then, if you hate her policies so much and think she's a lying, thieving, cheating crook then isn't it a clash of your principles to be involved with her?
No, this is not a clash with my principles. I still wouldn't be voting for her, I'd just be gifting her with the pearl necklace on a semi-regular basis. There's a big difference. I don't agree with many of the political views of my wife but I still bang her.

Isn't she a bit "old" for you?
All right, I'll admit that Hill isn't a great looker. On the other hand, she's not a sow either. Contrary to modern advertisers' claims, it is not necessary for a woman to look like Cameron Diaz to attract a mate. I also don't have hangups about age. So long as I don't have to worry about snapping hips during the wild ride it's really not a concern for me.

Would you really sell your body for some gifts?
Of course not. I'd also be getting sex. You see, for the average guy there really isn't any such thing as being a prostitute. At least not within our normal comprehension of it. "I get to have sex with chicks and I get money? Rock on!! Hold on while I warm up my mangina."

Aren't you worried about what a relationship with Hillary (extramarital for her) would do to your reputation?
Are you serious? When has a reputation ever been a consideration for whether a guy has sex or not?

Back to her policies. You hate them so much and think she's such a lousy politician. What could you talk about? How would you actually have any kind of relationship?
I'm sure her economic policies would sound much better with my cock in her mouth.

What about after it's all over though. Wouldn't you be worried about some sort of repercussions?
I see only benefits. It would be much easier to argue her down against Hillarites. Oh, she rallied the Senate and got her pet bill passed? "Well she was an astoundingly bad lay." She's made another impassioned speach about socialized health care, reverse discrimination and how she continues to battle the vast right wing conspiracy? "I can tell you that she didn't speak so well with a ball gag in her yap hole." Hillary has opted into the 2008 Presidential race? "Yeah, that horse can run all right. Just like the day I put the saddle and blinders on her and shoved the pony tail butt plug up her ass."

So sure, I'd screw Hillary. Nothin' but pie there as far as I can see. How bout y'all? Guys (and ladies that go that way), what do you say?

Posted by: Jim at 10:17 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Seussing Hillary (SBD)

I do not like that Clinton, Hill.
I do not like your wife there Bill.
I do not like her with a mouse.
I do not like her in The House.

I do not like her lying ways.
I do not like the cons she plays.
I do not want to hear her voice.
Please tell me that I have a choice!

I do not like her in New York.
I'd rather stab her with a fork.
I do not want her as my Pres.
I don't respect that bull dyke les.

I fear she'll use me as a goose,
And with my cash play fast and loose,
And spend and spend to up our debt.
It won't be paid til I am dead!

'Bout Travelgate she gives a scoff.
There's smoke and fire but she gets off!
And Whitewater she couldn't care.
Her sneaky ways sidestepped that snare.

On Monica she was astounded,
As if she thought Bill's ways were bounded.
The "vast right wing" she called at fault,
When it was just Bill's trouser trout.

The truth came out, did she recant?
Not too bloody likely, gent.
Apologize she did not do,
She'd rather have the Righties stew.

"It's still their fault" is what she'll say.
"They're after us, please stay away!"
But stay away they'll never do,
Like me, Hill, they just don't like you!

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Dateline - Sweden (SBD)

Snooze Button Dreams is proud to present an exclusive interview taken with H, of The Everyday Stranger, leader of the Anti-Mappists. This interview was obtained at great personal risk to our intrepid war reporter who will remain anonymous for his own protection*. The following transcript is taken verbatim and is certified to be 100% fair and balanced as well as completely accurate.**

So there you have it folks, in her own words. Who are you going to support in this Mapwar? Your favorite source for wit and humor or an aparently confused fairy killer?

Think of the fairies.

(*And because he's a total and complete fabrication of my mind.)
(**In the great traditions of Maureen Dowd, Jayson Blair and Reuters.)

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Father/Son Bonding (SBD)

Bear and I took a little drive the other day to do some bonding. I calmly explained what has to happen with his school work and chores around the house and why it is in his best interest and he finally decided father knows best. I really felt that we finally connected so I took a photo to always be able to remember this milestone. So my message to all of you with kids is to just take some time and really try to communicate with them and they'll come around.

Click here for the pic.

(hat tip to Steve)

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Saturday in the park, I think it was the Fourth of July. (SBD)

Except it was Sunday and it was the 28th and the month was September. Otherwise it happened just like in that song. Well, the song title anyway. There weren't any dancin' people or ice cream salesmen and there certainly weren't any people saying "Eicay varee', eisee' nardee'". So I guess it was only tangentially like that song. But isn't "tangentially" a cool word? It's really close to "tangenitally", which isn't a word but has "genital" in it and that's funny.

Anyway, took the happily family plus canine for a walk in the park yesterday. Canine is always leashed because he's a moron and will run off at any and every opportunity. He'll then run through the neighborhood pretending to be the Great Rabbit Hunter. We don't have any rabbits in our neighborhood but this doesn't phase him. We do have a load of feral cats and he thinks they are rabbits. He is consistently amazed at the tree climbing prowess of the local rabbit population. Eventually, when both of his brain cells happen to fire at the same time, he will realize that he is A) Hungry and B) Not the Great Rabbit Hunter. He'll then lope on home wearing a shit-eating grin and shit-rolled-in fur so Lovely Wife can do her Academy Award winning performance of "Dog owner who is furious enough to bite dog's ear off but has to act happy and nice so the moron dog won't take off again but oh wait until we're inside the house cause then your ass is mine except not really because said dog owner is afraid that if she lets the moron dog know she's angry then maybe just maybe the next time the moron dog runs off he might be afraid to come back at all as if I could be so lucky so instead he gets bribed with treats and canned food that makes him fart like Ted Kennedy after a weekend bender thereby reinforcing in his tiny little mind that running away is a good thing so he is encouraged to do it again".

This particular park is more than one neighborhood away so canine is carefully leashed. Should canine get loose here he would be completely unable to find his way home. Yes I've heard the amazing stories of dogs that travel thousands of miles, swim the Atlantic and get part time jobs as restroom attendants in order to find their way home. Those are smart dogs. We're talking Benji smart. Pull Timmy out of the well smart. Our dog is more on the intelligence level of a laboratory test subject. After the tests.

While in the park we met a real dog. Don't get me wrong, canine isn't one of those little ankle biters. When Lovely Wife decided we needed a dog I gave her the basic criteria: Any "dog" that can be heaved one handed over the roof will be. Canine is a beagle/terrier mutt and a decent 30 pounds so he passes the heave test (barely cleared the gutters). This dog we met in the park was a real dog though. "Great Dane" real. "This is my couch find your own" real. "187 pounds of imitation pony" real. Wow.

This massive beast, who we'll call "Opie" ('cause that was his name), was also very friendly in a "You will do exactly what I want and I won't consume your children. Deal?" sort of way. Nah, I'm not being fair. Opie really was friendly. Aloof but friendly. Its just when you encounter something that unbelievably large it takes a minute or two before the "fight or flight" reflex settles into the "deal with it, he can catch you if you run and swallow you whole if you don't" reflex. And when he yawned his jaws were the approximate size of the baby stroller. And where'd Burger go? And just why does my kid have to have a food nickname at a time like this? Oh, there he is, standing upright underneath the horse dog. Isn't that nice? Now where are my glycerin tabs?

The kids loved him. Couldn't get enough of him. Petting, hugging, kissing, rubbing, you name it. Everything short of copulation was performed. Our canine seemed visibly shaken. That's understandable as this behemoth was more than 6 times his size. Normally canine isn't bothered by a minor fact like his rival being larger. He's like the Joe Pesci of dogs, small and belligerent like if he refuses to acknowledge that his opponent is bigger than he is then maybe the opponent won't realize it either. I guess after a certain point there's just no need to fake it anymore and Opie was a good 80 pounds over that point. So canine sat there and pouted while his kids showered love on the interloper.

So now Lovely Wife wants a Great Dane. They're really great dogs, see? It's right there in the name. And they don't really take up a lot of space because they mostly just lay around all the time. They don't even realize that they're that big. They think they're a lap dog. Yeah, that's exactly what I want. A 187 pound mobile speed bump that wants to lay in my lap. I told her she could get one as long as she trades in an equal weight of current pets. She was not amused.

Posted by: Jim at 08:09 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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My kids are going to hate me

Not for a while, of course. Right now I am the shiznit. I'm the guy who'll suck on a giant plastic cow's teats. I'm the guy who'll scream sing "Nemo!" "Memo!" at the top of my voice in Borders. 2 out of 3 of my kids know how to play Hot Hands. I give airplane rides until the kids stumble around worse than a Massachusets senator. Let's face it, right now I am like the ultimate in Daddy material.

But for how long? I do this stuff because it's fun. It amuses me. I am all about amusing me, always have been. I'm the guy who takes the wooden sword off the shelf in the toy aisle and yells out "I'm invincible! Have at you!". If I think it's funny or the idea of it makes me smile, I do it.

I embarrass lovely wife on a constant basis. The other day at Kroger (supermarket) I had all three kids in the cart and swung 'em around, doing an impersonation of a Tilt-a-Whirl. People stared. She almost died. Someone commented "Jeeze, grow the hell up." I responded proudly "No thanks. I'll stay young instead of turning into a bitter bitch with an asshole tight enough to squeeze pennies out of a quarter." I shouldn't talk to Lovely Wife that way - I didn't get any action for a week after that one.

The kids love it. Of course they do! I'm amusing as hell to their immature personalities. But what happens when they start to grow up and learn what "embarassment" is? How long until Bear shuffles off to the next aisle when I pick up a squirt gun at Toys 'R Us and tell him to "Cover me. I'm going in"? How old will they be when they don't want an airplane ride anymore, not because it's not still fun but because they don't want to be seen getting an airplane ride?

Hopefully it'll be a long time but it will arrive. It's as unavoidable as another Jason movie or the next Clinton scandal. It'll start with a forced laugh at one of my antics, instead of the gut busters I get now. Then it'll go to "that look" and silence. Then avoidance. It'll probably end up with my death.

So my days are numbered. I'll enjoy 'em while I can though, with reckless abandon and malice aforethought.

Anybody see where I left my Supersoaker?

Posted by: Jim at 10:58 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Y'allbonics (SBD)

Welcome to Modern English 201. If you are in the wrong class you can find the Modern English 101 class here. Today's instruction includes common translations from the Y'allbonics to Yankee dictionary.

1. HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.

2. HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi! Hire yew?"

3. BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

4. JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and took it to Lanner."

5. BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayam.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."

6. MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

7. THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

8. BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have anutha bare."

9.) IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"

10. RANCH - (noun)- tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

11. ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

12.FAR - (noun) - A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

13. TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

14. TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

15. RETARD - (verb) - To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

16. FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."

17. RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

18. CHEER - (adverb) In this place.
Usage: "Just set that bare rat cheer".

19. FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

20. DID - (adjective) - Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

21. ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas containing oxygen.
Usage: "He cain't breathe ... give 'im some are!"

22. BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

23. JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

24. HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah .... haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."

25. SEED -(verb) - past tense of "to see".
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City". ---

26. VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

27. GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."

Posted by: Jim at 08:33 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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WOW!

This article (Microsoft Rolls Out Beta of XP 64-Bit Edition) almost gets it right but it loses it right here:

WOW64 is an interpreter that lets old programs (the 32-bit ones we use now) run on the new 64-bit Windows operating system. It can't possibly do this without a loss of performance. The loss may be close to negligible but it'll still be there. It's basically like having two people who speak different languages communicating with an interpreter. The archaic and primitive system (pulling a name randomly from the hat we come up with French) says something to the translator (which speaks both languages, we'll call it British) who then repeats it to the advanced system (for the sake of continuity we'll call this one American English) in terms it can understand. The process works the same in reverse. As the following simulation shows, even simple concepts can be difficult to translate and will add processor overhead and performance loss when running French programs (32-bit) on American operating systems (64-bit).

So you can plainly see that although the intended instruction of the 32-bit program was indeed carried out by the 64-bit OS there was quite a bit of overhead added and the end result wasn't quite what the 32-bit program wanted. An update on the 32-bit programs will help them to interface better with the translator and the OS but old 32-bit programs are going to be miffed by the new OS until they truly realize that they are in a 64-bit world and are, in effect, the bitch of the new OS.

UPDATE: If you're curious what the French person said but unable/unwilling to translate it, Ilyka has done the work for you.

Posted by: Jim at 08:12 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Joe Theismann is a dirty little whore (SBD)

I can handle the occasional lousy officiating, even when the time crew can't seem to remember to reset the play clock. I can handle a poor performance by the offensive line. I understand that even Drew Bledsoe can have an occasional terrible day. I can even accept that it's nigh on impossible for a mediocre running game to do anything productive against the Dolphin's defense. Philosophically I can even deal with a loss to the hated Miami team. What I can't stand, what makes me sick unto vomiting, is the gushing Theismann led Ricky "Check out my dreads" Williams lurve fest that made up the majority of the "commentary" for yesterday's game.

And what's with those dreadlocks anyway? Is rasta the image of the day? But at least Ricky's got decent looking dreads. It's that half goatee thing he's sporting that pooches the image. Come on Ricky, if you're going for a goat then you need an upper and a lower. You've got some sort of chin rectangle thing going and it just isn't working. Or are you trying to create the "new look"? Some sort of dreadlock-rectangle thing (dreadtangle?). Whatever.

Back to the point of the rant. For those of you who had the good fortune to miss the Bills' humbling performance yesterday evening you may not understand exactly how far Joe Theisman had his head up Ricky's ass. Normally it would not be possible for one person to rectally intrude as far as Joe did but he had help from Mike "I am not Marv Albert" Patrick and Paul "I used to respect myself" Maguire who utilized a shoehorn and KY Jelly, resptectively, to assist in the insertion. Here's a brief transcript:

>From Joe Thiesmann we learned that there is nobody on the Bills that can beat Ricky to the corner, nobody on either team that could take him down with one arm, nobody in the AFC with his lighning speed through a hole and nobody in North America with a larger penis. It would have been tolerable from a Madden or a Gifford because you would at least know that they were sincere about it. Then again neither of those gentlemen would have engaged in such a display because they don't need to. They are both excellent commentators with their own personalities, not obtuse ex-mediocre quarterbacks still riding the most publicized broken leg in media history as if it was some claim to legitimacy. He has to be a gushing simp because he has nothing else to offer.

The post game interview between Theismann and Williams was, if anything, more disgusting than the hours of verbal love Joey had already subjected us to. At least it was shorter.

UPDATE: We discussed Theismann's whoring in detail in our department meeting today (I am quite fortunately surrounded by Miami haters) and it became apparent that Chris Collinsworth is also a man-whore. His infatuation was with the entire Tampa Bay team, not a single player, which makes him an even bigger slut than Theismann.

No, I'm not bitter. Why do you ask?

Posted by: Jim at 08:00 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Newsflash! (SBD)

A scientist from Southampton University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of men where they proceeded to kick the shit out of him.

Posted by: Jim at 09:57 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Why oh why do I have to love women?

Man, I wish I was gay. Life would be so much cooler if I was in a relationship with a guy. Just imagine, there'd never be an argument about what to watch on TV. The game! If there's no game on then the selection automatically runs down through action flicks, nature shows on sharks, StarTrek, classic cartoons and That 70's Show (of course my favorite character would probably be Fez then but I can handle that).

If there wasn't anything on the boob tube we could always pop in a porno. What guy doesn't like porno? And since there's no gals around there would definitely be a nice sized collection. Sure, it would be gay porno but that's what I'd be into anyway.

And we'd be watching it on a massive TV. Guys know how to prioritize purchases in ways that women just can't grasp:

Food would be so much simpler. No matter who ends up going to the grocery store the correct items would be purchased. Steaks, beer, maybe some munchies.

Sex would be so much easier too. I mean, come on! That's all we guys ever really think about. Never again would I have to worry about not getting a blow job when I want one.

Watching the game on my big screen TV, beer in hand, gay lover giving me a fine blow job...that's guy heaven right there.

Man, it sucks being straight.

(Blame Credit for this one is 100% on G, my chief idea man.)

Posted by: Jim at 06:36 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Fecalation

Warning: Potty humor ahead

I have just done something I absolutely hate doing. Something that disgusts me more than an image of Michael Moore and Hillary Clinton making the beast with two backs. I crapped. In the john at work. I loathe myself now.

Lest you think I'm overreacting here, there are several reasons for this disgust with birthing a stink pickle at my place of employment. First and foremost, the mens' room here has an extremely odiferous reputation. This is due to exceptionally poor ventilation and the contributions of "The Morning Regulars". Our many requests for better ventilation have resulted in a stand-alone HEPA air filter. Despite early misgivings this has actually helped quite a bit but nothing can cope with the depradations of the "Sunrise Commandos". These are a handful of gentlemen that descend upon the mens' room stalls shortly after arriving in the morning. They are armed with newspapers, magazines and enough collective colonic problems to put a gastroenterologist into a shiny new Lexus. Annually. Our bathroom is rectangular with a door on each end. It is not at all unusual for a person to walk into one door, see the stalls closed, and sprint to the other door in asphyxiated horror. For those with an especially refined disgust of olfactory scatagrams this can be a very painful time. The odor is so foul that I have seriously considered a ruptured bladder to be preferable to suffering through a urinal session while surrounded by the clouds of doom. It takes the air filter anwhere from a quarter hour to forty-five minutes to get rid of the fecal aroma depending on what was for dinner but this seldom happens. Remember that the "AM Crew" is comprised of a not inconsiderable number of gastrically challenged individuals. What normally happens is that they arrive in staggered formation and sentence the blighted restroom to consecutive punishments. It is sometimes noon before it is completely safe to enter.

So there is the general problem of not having a facility that allows me to breath normally while doing my business. That by itself is quite a deterrent. My second reason for not wishing to practice the fecal arts at work is of a more personal nature. It's freakin' gross! Crap at home! Don't bring that nastiness to your place of business! It's one thing to peal porcelain in the comfort of your own bathroom, it's quite another to use a public throne and then wonder just who the heck knows that you are the source of that curious combination of rotten cabbage, fouled eggs and sulphur. And foreign asses have been on that seat! Asses not related to you by blood or marriage. Bare skinned asses belonging to persons of the same sex as well as heterosexual orientation (as far as you know). Your only protection against ass cooties and pooples (butt pimples from seat nastiness) is that paper ass gasget. A microthin sheet of wax paper that cannot possibly be a barrier to any significant contaminant and that you just know is going to wick potty water up onto the seat from that part that dangles in the bowl.

Shudder. Shudder.

The final warning flag against corporate crapping is the toilet paper. Is this toilet paper? I use toilet paper at home all the time and this just doesn't resemble it except superficially by shape. It is resistant to tearing. It has no quilting. It is not two ply. It is not absorbent. In texture this work TP is more like the roll of message paper next to the phone. It fails the most important goal of toilet papers, that all important function that is the one thing it must succeed at. Specifically, it is not capable of getting shit out of your ass crack. You end up with fistful after fistful trying vainly for a feeling of cleanliness but you shall never succeed. It is like trying to clean spilt latex paint off of linoleum using only newspaper. Every wipe gets some more but there is always more on the next wipe. By the time you can no longer see dookie streaks on the paper (and you DO look at it, don't lie to me) your anus has been sanded to a bloody remnant of its former glory.

The horror. Oh, the humanity.

So for these reasons I avoid making a lincoln log cabin at work but occasionally, like this morning, there is no other recourse. I blame the Taco Loco I had for lunch yesterday for the way I feel right now. I sit here typing, hoping ever so much that the feeling between my cheeks is just nervous perspiration. Or maybe blood. I'd go in for a secondary wipe right now but one of the "Magnificent Seven" just headed in there with the morning paper.

I want my own toilet. I want my own TP. I want a freaking baby wipe.

Posted by: Jim at 11:30 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Dear Mr. Address Does Not Exist:

My penis is nicely sized, thank you for your concern. I have no need for your penile enlargement drugs or devices. I am generally a happy fellow so no thanks on the discount rate Zoloft and psychotropics. Similarly, I am blessed with a libido that can be stroked stoked by the merest of feminine charms. I really don't have a use for bargain basement prices on Viagra. Thank you for thinking of me though.

I have a real life job that takes up the bulk of my daytime working hours and on the weekends I like to relax and enjoy my family. Otherwise I would be more than interested in making up to $6,000 a month from my home. As you see though, I wouldn't have the time to invest to take full advantage of this wonderful opportunity. You should try to help somebody else with that one.

I'm very happy that my resume was accepted, my application approved and that you are replying to my review, but every time I try to read the emails my wacky virus protection kicks in and won't let me. Could you maybe resend those without the attachments? I think that's what is getting the antivirus so upset.

Yes, i do love music but I haven't purchased a CD for any price in almost a decade. Even though you are practically giving them away I am afraid that I'm just not interested. I could forward your offer to Lovely Wife if you'd like. She is still a music consumer.

Those are really great deals on those software titles but I don't think they would run on my computer. I'm terribly sorry but I got rid of my Win 3.11 system several years ago. Had I only known the amazing deals that would become available I would certainly have held on to it.

Could you do me a favor? There are apparently billions and billions of unclaimed monies in abandoned accounts scattered all over Africa. Unfortunately there seem to be some disreputable people trying to smuggle it all out to America. Although I could certainly use a couple million bucks myself I couldn't take it at the expense of its rightful owners - the poor folk of Africa. Since you are a real internet business person I'm guessing you're pretty well connected. Could you let the proper authorities know? Thanks.

Oh, one more thing. If it isn't too much bother, would it be at all possible for y'all to get some sort of idgit scale to correlate with the addresses on your mailing offer lists? I'm imagining a simple scale starting from Intelligent and working down to AOLer. That way you could omit sending quite so many amazing offers to those of us at the top end and concentrate your efforts on the folk that might actually buy your stuff.

Thank you ever so much.

Sincerely,
Jim

Posted by: Jim at 03:08 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Propensity for evil is inversely proportional to height

Discovery of this phenomenon has made my life much simpler. I can now judge the relative evil of a person at a simple glance. You may doubt my conclusion now but after reading my uncorrelated, anecdotal, and harshly edited and/or manufactured evidence you will no doubt agree with me. We shall begin my recitation of facts with Bear, our largest (and therefore least evil) child.

Bear has just turned 4 and is in all ways a model child. He is polite to a fault, caring, giving, nurturing and posessed of a sweet temperment. His primary goals in life are to watch television, play video games and protect his possessions against the depradations of his younger siblings. In other words, Bear is a carbon copy of me. Except for the caring, giving, nurturing crap - I am sadly lacking all of those. But I do love the telly and video games and I'm quite protective of my worldly goods. Bear has occasional episodes of evil but they tend to relate to his life goals. For example, he may have a conniption fit when one of our more compact children take his Ozzy Osborne talking doll (which features such gems as "I love you all but you're (bleeeep) mad!" and "Sharon! I can't get this (bleep) (bleep) TV to work!") and occasionally throws a tantrum when it's time to turn off the Monsters, Inc game. All in all, Bear's evil quotient is less than 25% even under the most dire circumstances.

Our next example is Bacon. Bacon will turn 3 in a week. Bacon wants money for his birthday. Bacon wants money at all times, for all occurences. Bacon does not want toys for he has discovered that he can simply take whatever toy he wishes at any time. Bacon spends much of his time on his hands and knees looking for dropped change. We emptied the piggy bank yesterday and took his money to the big-green-machine-that-eats-your-spare-change-and-counts-it-for-you-for-the-low-low-price-of-only-8.9%-of-whatever-you-feed-it-so-you-don't-have-to-roll-it-up-in-those-stupid-paper-rolls-and-put-25-forms-of-ID-on-it-before-any-cashier-will-accept-it-and-where-can-you-get-those-blasted-things-anyway-cause-God-forbid-you-ask-at-the-bank-where-the-teller-will-look-at-you-like-you-are-an-idiot-while-the-frigid-bitch-assesses-your-account-with-a-$2.50-fee-for-your-temerity-in-actually-going-to-a-freaking-teller-when-everything-you-do-now-should-be-through-the-internet-or-at-the-non-bank-employee-time-wasting-ATM. He had over $6 there. While some of this was odd change given to him by Lovely Wife or myself the bulk of it was money he has found over the past year. Money is Bacon's sole obsession and he will lie, cheat, steal and kill to get it. We estimate Bacon's evil quotient at close to 50%.

Our third example is Burger. Burger is somewhere between 1 and 2. His birthday is in January but as a male I am unable to peg his age down to months like Lovely Wife does so you can do the math yourself if you are interested. Burger's obsessions include turning off the television, standing in front of the television when people are playing video games, taking toys from Bear and stealing Bacon's money. His other hobbies are ripping up Daddy's books and throwing food. And he bites. And throws complete dive-to-the-ground-kicking-and-screaming tantrums. In public spaces. Like churches. Burger's evil quotient is an astounding 87%. The only reason it is not higher is that he is incredibly cute while sleeping.

Although these three anecdotal and highly biased examples are far more than would be required to prove a point and then become dogma at the DNC I sense that some of you may require further examples. Very well.

Napoleon. Perhaps the most famous short dictator the world has ever known. He enslaved most of europe, using his size induced evil to his utmost advantage.

Hitler. Not only was Adolph a crackpot, egomaniacal madman, he was also short. One can only wonder how different history would have been if Adolph had achieved a normal height. And if he wasn't a crackpot, egomaniacal madman.

Mini Me. Talk about compression of evil. Yes, I know that Mini Me was a character in movies and that he "turned good" in the third one. However, he was brought to life in such convincing fashion by Verne Troyer that we cannot but help thinking of him as a real person. And nothing in Goldmember counts! Nothing! That movie didn't happen! Nah! Nah! Nah! I can't hear you!!

So you can clearly see that I have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that shortness (or "The state of being vertically challenged", to be politically correct) is a primary indicator of evil. Put this knowledge to good use. Protect yourself and your loved ones from the diminutive forces of darkness. And always remember that despite my own mid 5' height I am an exception to this rule, am firmly on the side of good, and would never mislead you.

Bwah hah hah hah hah hah!!!

Posted by: Jim at 08:00 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Wave hello to the little man in the boat

Caution: Lewd humor ahead. Names have been changed to protect the guilty.

So, G and I went out to dinner at a local man's paradise. No, not a strip club. This place is a fantastic tribute to adult male couch potato sportsters. Pristine fields of green felt (that's pool tables, y'all), dart boards, a hundred foot walk around bar, big screen televisions, acres of arcade games and a very fine full service restaurant. All in one place! The Man Show crew would be proud to dine and play in this establishment. It is a place we know as Dave & Busters.

Anyway, after amusing ourselves for a while we took a break and went over to the restaurant area for the aforementioned dinner. Our very pleasant waitress left menus and took our drink orders (they have an excellent beer selection as well). We hungrily opened the beautifully laminated multipage missives and began poring over the choices. I passed over the desserts (you see why we love this place - the menu starts with desserts), appetizers, chickens and steaks. None of these enticed me as I already had a specific goal - I was targetting an artichoker. No, not an artichoke (that wierd little vegetable that you eat by scraping leaf gunk off its fibrous plates) but an artichoker. A burger so loaded with cholesterol that merely gazing upon its reflection while wearing arc welding glasses can cause instant and violent stoppage in major arteries. Next was the salad page (salad before burgers? yeesh. minus 1 point for Dave & Busters) which was quickly supressed with extreme prejudice before its corruptive influence could harm me. Finally, the Burgers & Sandwiches page. That's page 7 for those of you playing along at home. As I looked down the page, scanning for my target, my eyes did a double take, returning to the top of the page of their own volition. I carefully read the first couple items and then realized what had so ensnared my subconcious attention.

(We now move to the made up conversation portion of this post.)

Things got bad from there and the concerned waitress hurried over to assist G, who had apparently inhaled an ice cube and/or firmly implanted one in his nasal sinuses. Eventually things settled down and we managed to order dinner. Things went well until the actual dinner came, at which time rude things were done to the fish tacos that caused another ice vs. sinus episode.

Ah, Dave & Busters. You've got customers for life.

UPDATE: My editor tells me that nobody will understand the humor here because "fish taco" isn't a very widely used phrase and my teaser in the title (little man in the boat) isn't either. I disagree but never let it be said that I'm uncooperative. Feel free to replace the title with any of the following if it helps you figure out fish taco.

Is that muff warm?
Hair pie a la mode
Bearded clam chowder

UPDATE2: The D&B menu also features "Kumbak Sauce" for the Buster's Cheeseburger. I shudder to think where I could have gone with that one.

Posted by: Jim at 07:22 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I am in a quandary (SBD)

Thanks and no thanks to Common Sense & Wonder for finding this article. Thanks because you found it and shared it. No thanks because now I don't know what to do with it! Read and see why:

How do I handle this? What can I do to poke fun at something so moonbat crazy? What can I possibly come up with that is more ridiculous than what the article is already reporting?

I thought about a quick sarcastic quip about how even The Onion or Ridiculopathy Daily couldn't come up with something like this. You know, a "truth is stranger than fiction" angle. That just seemed too dismissive. Something this stupid has earned more snark and ridicule than such a simple repost.

Then I thought of taking each part of this thing and making fun of the individual aspects. Like for the cooking utensils part I'd do something like this: The Jews stole cooking utensils so the Egyptians couldn't pursue them to get their gold back? I've heard that an army moves on its stomach but this takes the cake. This option is rich in opportunity but it still didn't satisfy my need to make fun of the entire concept here.

Then I thought that I should do a serious commentary. Maybe a fisking. Take that utensils part again for an example: So missing cooking utensils prevented the armies of Pharoah from pursuing the Jews? Funny, in the version of the story I heard the armies of the Pharoah had no problem whatsoever pursuing them. Cornered them against a river bank if my recollection serves... But I figured a serious fisking might lend this thing legitimacy. What it really needs is a bit of ribald badinage.

Going with commentary on the overall topic I could go for a hit on the university. Something like: This is coming from the DEAN OF LAW? Where did he study for his degree - the Jerry Springer School? I liked this one but it still seemed to lack a certain something.

Maybe an alternate headlines theme would work: Egypt To Sue Jews Over Exodus Theft. Jews Countersue With Reparations Suit, Threaten Plaque of Frogs.

You see what I mean? Opportunities for mischief like this one are few and far between and there are so many ways to go with it that I'm lost.

Thanks a lot, CS&W!

>:p

Posted by: Jim at 09:57 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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United Nations "Locality and Personnel Security Practices" (SBD)

Wow! Check this out:

Who would have thought that the United Nations could manage to take an effective step in this matter? And nobody would have predicted that they would admit culpability in the security failure in Baghdad. Nobody with a rational thought process, anyway. It's too bad that we rational folk are generally right - they didn't do any of the above. This Jayson Blairesque piece is from a "what if" session between me and G on the ride into work this morning. Don't actually expect the UN to do anything this intelligent. Ever.

Posted by: Jim at 06:35 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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A fly on the wall (SBD)

At great personal expense and peril, Push Button Dreams has come into possession of a security tape from the Oval Office. It was apparently recorded shortly after Ariel Sharon first read the infamous “Roadmap To Peace”. The transcript follows:

On a serious note:

This entry was originally intended as a serious essay attempting to prove my hypothesis that Bush knows exactly what the results of the Roadmap will be and is planning on it. It devolved into this because understanding and cooperation between Bush and Sharon is critical to my theory and I kept imagining the conversations they had to have had.

Anywho, the essential points to my theory are:
1) Bush is not an idiot. I know that many of his detractors like to paint him that way but it simply isn't so. That's the standard lefty caricature of every republican president. Righties do a similar thing with painting democractic presidents as philandering, lying criminals. Oh, wait. I guess Clinton did that himself. Bush speaks relatively slowly. He has an accent. He accentuates his points to an uncommon degree. These are not indications of idiocy. They are indications of being from Texas. (And speaking as a voluntary southerner I can tell y'all that we're pretty sick of that particular stereotype.)
2) Bush's advisors are not idiots. Unlike certain philandering liers under oath, Bush's appointees are fairly well suited for their positions.
3) Ariel Sharon is not an idiot. I don't think that even his detractors advance this theory much but it's important to my summary so I'm stating it in my points.
4) The Roadmap's basic premise is that both sides must work towards a peaceful resolution. Both sides constantly profess that this is their true desire. Israel has consistently proven that this is actually their goal. The PA and the terrorist groups have consistently proven that this is not their goal.

So, given these points, why is there a Roadmap at all? There must be a reason that Bush's advisors would craft it, Bush would advance it and Sharon would endorse it. My belief is that they all know that the Roadmap is not feasible due to the inate inability of the Palestinians to work towards their own best interest. I believe that the Roadmap is being used to once and for all show with incontrovertible proof that the Palestinians cannot govern themselves to peace and to allow Israel enough popular world support to protect themselves from Palestinian terrorist attacks.

Another thing to note is that even though the Hudna was a PR sham (Casualties since Aug 26, 2003) and the terrorists used that slow time to rearm and plan, the IDF made excellent use of it as well. They certainly seem to have been ready for when the terrorists slipped their bit.

Posted by: Jim at 10:36 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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