The Scene: Dopple-G and I are eating lunch and discussing the 7 year old who was suspended for saying 'hell'.

Dopple-G: You've got to be a little nervous about stuff like this, right? I mean, Bear's about to enter the vaunted public school system.

Me: Yeah, it's a definite concern.

Dopple-G: But he doesn't have a potty mouth, right?

Me: Nah. In fact, he does a good job keeping Lovely Wife and I straight. He does play The Butt Game with me though. more...

Posted by: Jim at 11:38 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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1 i realize the new templates been up for a while now, but i just wanted to say how excited i am you picked this one. i was secretly hoping you would back when you had all three up to choose from. Yay!

Posted by: jay at February 05, 2004 11:52 PM (vV+gc)

2 I AM CORHOLIO! I come from Lake Titicaca. My people - they have no bunghole.... ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!? Are you threatening my BUNGHOLIO?!?!

Posted by: Mike the Marine at February 06, 2004 09:02 AM (Zw7Hl)

3 The Butt game is cool, but not nearly as fun as the faahrt game. Sheew wee honey, you rotten - I wanna divorce.

Posted by: Clancy at February 06, 2004 11:43 AM (EGVPL)

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The Scene: A summer barbeque at our house. The sun is down and the rugrats are abed. Dopple-G, his wife, my own Lovely Wife and I are relaxing on the veranda with beers and cigars. Lovely Wife goes into the house to get a glass of wine. She returns with a bottle in one hand and a glass in the other. The bottle has about a half inch of wine in it.

Dopple-G: Why bother with a glass? There's barely a swig left in that bottle.

Lovely Wife: Because wine is drunk from glasses. Perhaps it's acceptable for Americans to drink from the bottle but I am European. I'm naturally more sophisticated.

At this point Lovely Wife is faced with a conundrum. Both hands have something in them. There are no flat surfaces ready at hand to put her glass upon. She solves the problem by biting the cork and spending considerable effort and no small amount of time to worry it out of the bottle. She then spits the cork across the veranda and prepares to pour the wine.

Dopple-G: (laughing) Oh, yeah. You're definitely more sophisticated. I probably would have used an armpit or something to get that out. And there's no way I could have spit that far for distance. Nowhere near sophisticated enough.

Lovely Wife realizes what she just did and starts laughing so hard that she drops her glass in the dirt. At this point she gives up and finishes off the wine with one good pull from the bottle.

So now you know why I call her Lovely Wife and not Sophisticated Wife.

Posted by: Jim at 10:23 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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It always knows.
The flavor of fruit.
Just follow my snoot!

This little ditty is lodged firmly in my head this morning. I have no idea where it came from. As far as I know this jingle was retired many, many years ago. I also haven't actually seen Toucan Sam in I don't know how long.

So why do I have this bloody annoying Fruit Loops jingle bouncing around my grey matter? What synapse misfired to bring this annoying stuff out of cranial retirement? Is it a warning sign of some grand mental problem lurking just beneath the surface?

Of course some people would clarify that as another grand mental problem lurking just beneath the surface. Because they're all out to get me and they do stuff like that. What was that noise?!

[mumble mumble mumble]

Posted by: Jim at 09:22 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Dear Y'all:

The group mailing address that sends email to everybody in the company is a feature that should be used sparringly. Its purpose is to allow a simple way for people like the President, CFO, and Bob to tell us when people are fired, when our W-2 forms will be ready, and when the gas leak is fixed, respectively. Occassional use by other people is okay, but only when they have an actual message imparting information that applies to the entire company. For example, it's okay when the receptionist sends out an email that the car wash guy is here. It's okay for someone to send an email when they put homemade cookies in the break room. more...

Posted by: Jim at 03:54 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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The most absolutely amazing thing about this picture of Lovely Wife with Nicki (pup #1) is not the teasing swell of hip, so rounded and shapely that even the big droopy shirt can't hide it. It isn't the seductive "come hither" look in her eye. It isn't that she's lying down with a dog who's exposing his genitals. It's not even the gargantuan size of the graphic due to me not realizing how big it was as I uploaded it and being far too lazy to edit and upload another picture.

No, my friends. The most amazing thing is that Lovely Wife gave me verbal permission to take the photo. That's right. Actual permission. "You can take a picture if you want" will forever be scored upon my forebrain. She even told me where the camera was when i couldn't find it.

This is big, y'all. Is Lovely Wife losing her abject hatred of being photographed? Is she coming to appreciate the camera's lecherous stare?

Or perhaps I should be off to the shed to look for empty pods.

Posted by: Jim at 06:23 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
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1 Ahum.....Now I hate it even more because you EXPOSED me!!:-P

Posted by: LW at January 30, 2004 08:21 AM (fkewd)

2 Hey, at least I didn't put up any of the nudies. ;-)

Posted by: Jim at January 30, 2004 08:46 AM (IOwam)

3 Well, I think both photograph subjects look cute and well-rested!

Posted by: Helen at January 30, 2004 09:50 AM (mjzOu)

4 Cute picture....Love the sock in the background!

Posted by: Tiffani at January 30, 2004 09:53 AM (0i1dP)

5 Tiffani, I don't think that's a sock. Looks like a waistband, and you can kinda make out the letters... A-I-N-E-S.... Haines. oh shit. Jim didn't have any underwear on while he was taking the photograph! No wonder LW looks half asleep.

Posted by: MojoMark at January 30, 2004 12:30 PM (E+LQu)

6 H-A-N-E-S. No "I". :-P Everybody in my household takes their socks off at any random time throughout the day. You can find them on the couches, the floor, the fireplace, the dog food bowl...you name it. I don't even have a visual recognition factor for them any longer. They are effectively invisible to me. Regarding underwear, it's far easier to pick out the times that I am wearing a ball control device that the times that I'm not. Do your balls hang low? Do they wiggle to and fro? Can you tie 'em in a knot? Can you tie 'em in a bow? Do you wear 'em on your shoulder, Like a continental soldier? Do your balls hang low?

Posted by: Jim at January 30, 2004 01:22 PM (IOwam)

7 2 things.. 1. IF and that's a big if - Jim was naked where's the cow? I thought she was major part of his sex life. 2. Please God tell me you don't wear tighty whitey's. Jim say it aint so....

Posted by: Tiffani at January 30, 2004 01:26 PM (0i1dP)

8 Tiffani figured it out. As there's no cow in the picture I am obviously clothed. I have both tighty-whiteys as well as boxers in the drawer. Depending on the pants worn I'll favor one style over the other. With shorts I'll generally wear whiteys to prevent peek-a-boo effect. Right now I'm in boxers.

Posted by: Jim at January 30, 2004 02:05 PM (IOwam)

9 How adorable, Jim.

Posted by: annika at January 30, 2004 02:09 PM (zAOEU)

10 If the spousal unit is authorizing photos in this new fashion, I suggest you call Mulder & Skully... She's been switched!

Posted by: Nate at January 30, 2004 05:00 PM (l/r8N)

11 Rule number 1 of dog photos is any human in a dog photo looks fine as said dog is the focus of the photo. Now you have to count the days until someone stops LW in the street and starts with "I was on this website the other day..."

Posted by: Simon at February 02, 2004 05:09 AM (FUPxT)

12 She is beautiful (LW, not the dog), but I notice no ring on her finger.....????

Posted by: me at February 07, 2004 11:26 AM (ulInj)

13 That's correct, me. And no, I'm not telling you where it is.

Posted by: Jim at February 07, 2004 05:08 PM (saeHM)

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This morning in the shower I was accosted by an unnatural sensation. No kids yelling. No dog barking. No cat attempting to dig to China via the litter box. Just the delicate sound of the water sluicing off my naked body. The silence was unnerving.

I did the only thing a rational person with absolutely no singing ability could do in this situation. I made sound effects. more...

Posted by: Jim at 10:05 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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The other day, Bacon walked by the puppy and gave her a kick. Not a mean kick, just a little "Hey there, I'm kicking you, what are you going to do about it?" type of kick.

Lovely Wife was the first to react as she yelled out ''Why did you do that!?" and he replied with only a look, head cocked just so and a facial expression that clearly said ''I haven't the foggiest idea what you are talking about". She rephrased her query ''Why did you kick the puppy?" He shrugged his shoulders and uttered the classic ''I dunno" that all parents are infinitely familiar with but his look clearly still indicated that he was clueless as to the subject under discussion.

So yesterday I was reading a story to little Burger. Kota was laying next to me, hoping for some petting action. The other two were sitting around having their brains sucked out by the evil glowing box in the corner. Kota got bored waiting for me to pay her attention and got up to find our other dog, Nicki. As she passed by Bacon, she calmly and casually turned her head to bite him as she passed. Not a mean bite, just a playful puppy bite. A bite that said "I bit you. Do something about it."

I yelled out "Kota! No! Why did you do that?" (animals can understand complex questions as long as you are angry when you ask them.) She sat down and looked at me, head cocked just a little bit and wearing an expression that said ''I haven't the foggiest idea what you are talking about." I didn't bother rephrasing the question.

We're in trouble.

Posted by: Jim at 06:30 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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The Scene: Lovely Wife is in the supermarket with the spawn children. They spy an unnecessary but not out of bounds pricewise item that they covet.

Bear: Momma, can we get that unnecessary but not out of bounds pricewise item that I covet?

Lovely Wife: No, Bear. I don't have the money for it right now.

Bear: You can use your card! more...

Posted by: Jim at 09:59 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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The Scene: Dopple-G and I are sitting down to lunch. He is eating naked burgers with cheese slices on top.

Background: Dopple-G actually enjoys American cheese singles and considers them to be actual cheese. I am a cheese snob where this pseudo-food is concerned.

Dopple-G: I've got "real cheese" today.

Me: That is not real cheese. It is "processed cheese food product".

Dopple-G: Why are you so anti-American?

Me: I'm not anti-American, I'm anti-cheese impersonation.

Dopple-G: American cheese is real cheese.

Me: Real cheese does not have partially dehydrogenated soy bean oil as an ingredient. more...

Posted by: Jim at 06:04 AM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
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So, y'all know about our new puppy (Kota, short for Dakota) and how we took the calm, affectionate one instead of the hyperactive, psychotic one. By way of explaining our current situation I'll share with you the meaning of "Dakota", which I've just discovered after many hours of searching. The original Indian doesn't come over to English exactly but a loose translation is "Oh, you thought I was the calm one? You are in such terrible shit that I would pity you if only I could sit still long enough to do so".

Apparently her original calm demeanor was the result of a heavy barbituate overdose. She has now self medicated with mescaline to compensate. I must, for the sake of the family's continued sanity (okay, the adults' continued sanity), find her stash.

It just came to me that the pet-style animals in the household now outnumber the humans. 2 dogs, 2 cats, 2 birds vs 5 bipeds. Thank god for opposable thumbs. Still, if they ever figure out basic mathematics we might be in for some trouble. If you ever come to the site and the entries are all "woof grrr woof" (and badly spelled) please send Snausages.

Posted by: Jim at 02:40 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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The Scene: Dopple-G and I are on the way home from work. It's a beatiful sunny Atlanta day, traffic is light, spirits are high.

Me: So, any plans for next Saturday?

Dopple-G: I plan on not doing any work. Period. No construction. No cleaning. No moving things about. Nothing.

Me: Easy, killer. I'm not trying to get you to do work.

Dopple-G: Yes you are. Any time you have something fun in mind you say "Hey, do you want to do this fun thing next Saturday?" When you are trying to get me to do work you say "So, any plans for next Saturday?" and then I either have to lie and say I've got plans or make up something really quick because as soon as I say that I don't have any plans you'll say "Great, then you can help me do somethingorother" and somethingorother is always work. more...

Posted by: Jim at 08:17 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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Bacon has a hard time with the "V" sound and he tends to avoid it or substitute different sounds for it. Instead of "vanilla" he uses "Tamilla" (the "N" changes to an "M" because, let's face it, "tamilla" just sounds better than "tanilla"). I expect that if he ever tried to go for "Veritable" it would come out like "Terrible" and I don't even want to think what he'd do to "Vertiginous" or "Versimilitude". But give the kid a break, he's only 3.

I myself had problems mastering some phonemes when I was a lad. Specifically I couldn't do the "TR" sound as in "Strum" or "Triangle". Those came out as "Fum" and "Fangle" respectively as I tended to substitute an "F" for the "TR" and whatever might come before it.

You see where this is going? Of course you do.

It was a bit of an embarassment to Mom when we were in a fairly nice restaurant, seated by a window and enjoying a fine meal, when my small but eagle-keen eyes spotted quite the cool lorry driving by. This was a car carrier and my little brain was very excited over the large vehicle carrying an assortment of autos.

"Momma! Fuck! Momma! Fuck!" I cried joyously as I pointed out of the window.

"James Robert! Stop that this instant" replied my less than thrilled mother.

"No, look Momma! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" my small but increasingly voluble voice rang out. I stood up on my chair pointing excitedly as the truck motored out of sight, belting out ever more strident yells of "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"

"James Robert Peacock! You sit down this instant! Oh, my sweet Lord!" The last part was somewhat muffled as her face had lowered into her hands by this time.

As the truck had passed from view I obliged her, trailing off with one last "You see fuck?" as I reclaimed my seat. Mom didn't finish her dinner that night if I recall correctly.

I'm sure you can see now why I'm not overly concerned with Bacon's "V" thing.

Posted by: Jim at 01:57 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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No I do NOT hate you, your religion, your race, your sexual disposition, your nationality (except those misfortunate enough to be French) or any other minority slice you lay claim to.

Actually the French comment above is especially topical here as the email I'm responding to was indeed from a froggy. Why do we Americans, particularly this American, hate the French? The short answer is "We don't" or at a bare minimum "I don't". The somewhat longer answer is "Because you are cheese eating surrender monkeys" but that is way overused so I'm not going to go there. more...

Posted by: Jim at 08:36 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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With the unprecedented success of the 3 Lord of the Rings movies it was pretty much a no-brainer that director Peter Jackson would get the chance to make the prequel to the LOTR storyline, The Hobbit. What isn't well known is Jackson's concerns over making The Hobbit, the movie.

As readers of the books can easily attest, The Hobbit is by far the weakest of the four books. This will put the pressure on Jackson to create a movie on par with the 3 already completed. He is going to have to do it with a greatly reduced budget as well. The special effects that were such a grand part of the blockbuster movies will not be much of a factor in the rather pedantic Hobbit storyline and the movie is budgeted accordingly.

Added to this is the problem of characters. Both the Bilbo Baggins (played by Ian Holm)and Gandalf (played by Ian McKellen) characters appear in The Hobbit but that storyline occurs many years before the time of the other movies. Jackson has resolved this issue by recasting the parts. Leonard Nimoy has been cast to play the younger Gandalf. At the time of this writing it is unknown who will play the lead roll of Bilbo Baggins.

Despite his difficulties and concerns, Jackson remains upbeat and optimistic over his new movie project.

I'm happy that Peter Jackson remains optimistic but if you're a fan of the first three movies and you've seen The Hobbit advanced teaser trailer you might agree with me that there is some definite cause for concern. If you haven't seen it yet you should probably take a minute to do so and form your own opinion.

Posted by: Jim at 08:17 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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Washington (Reuters) - Britney Joins the Nation of Islam

Pop sensation Britney Spears has become the most recent celebrity to join the ranks of the african-american-centric Nation of Islam. Spear's conversion to Islam follows on the heels of her two day long marriage and subsequent annulment to childhood pal Jason Alexander.

The black separatist religious organization has a longstanding policy of accepting only non-white members. In a prepared statement, spokesman Louis Farrakhan explained the exception was made for Ms.Spears "Cause the girl gots soul. We're talkin' Aretha Franklin soul."

Spears was unavailable for comment but her press agent Schreck Menteur explained that "It was a joke that just went too far. Britney will be getting an annulment...that is, Britney will be getting rebabtized in the Christian faith...as soon as the churches open on Sunday."

Menteur stronly denied that this was yet another publicity grabbing stunt intended to cast some sort of attention on the flagging pop star's career. An insider to the Spear's camp confirms this, saying that it is merely the next in a series of "Britney thinks it's a joke" jokes. Having completed the "Britney thinks marriage is a joke" and "Britney thinks Islam is a joke" stunts, the anonymous insider says that Spears is now planning "Britney thinks pregnancy is a joke" and "Britney thinks terrorism is a joke" gags.

Posted by: Jim at 07:49 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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In a word...revenge.

Young kids do not understand the concept of conservation of energy. They go flat out until they are out of juice and then they collapse wherever they are. When they've got the flu this can happen at the drop of a hat since their little bodies are already running low on go stuff and they tend to get knocked out by the flu medicine.

Yesterday at around 5:30 Lovely Wife noticed a sudden shift in the ambient noise level. I was on the love seat making hideous Magna-Doodle drawings for Burger and she was in the dining room. She called out "Is Bacon asleep?" Sure enough he was passed out on the couch. more...

Posted by: Jim at 02:15 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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During this hectic holiday season there are a few things that we need to go over to insure my sanity and your continued good health.

1. Shopping on your lunch break is fine but the sense of urgency this creates for you is not the “life or death” type of thing that will get you out of a traffic ticket.
2. No matter how late you are getting back to the office, the laws of physics still say that you cannot go faster than the car in front of you.
3. That three feet of space you normally leave between my back bumper and your front bumper is sacred and should not be sacrificed no matter how desperate you are to get to Borders.
4. Stay the hell away from Pleasant Hill Road.
5. Those lanes that turn into forced right turns are still there even when they are full of traffic. If you donÂ’t want to turn right you need to get into another lane before you get into the intersection.
6. If you find yourself in the intersection turning right even though you don't want to, go ahead and turn right anyway. Sitting in your turn lane waiting for a break in the lane of traffic full of cars that got out of that right turn only lane in time will get your ass totaled by the Excursion carrying one very stressed mom and 3 screaming kids that is coming up behind you. The people behind her will cheer your destruction.
7. Do NOT match your vehicle speed to the ambient temperature.
8. When the left turn arrow turns red this means you are not supposed to enter the intersection. They picked that color because it is exactly the fucking same as a red light. If you are in the intersection when the red arrow makes its appearance you may continue out of the intersection. If you are not yet into the intersection then stay right the hell where you are.
9. If you are the fifth or succeeding car to blow through the red arrow by playing choo-choo train with the car in front of you I will shoot you dead.

Posted by: Jim at 02:31 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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Bacon: I peed my pants.
(Bacon is a card carrying member of the CAP Society. That's Children Against Parents. Their methods are nefarious, devious and purely evil.)

Lovely Wife: What? You just went potty before we got in the car! Why did you pee your pants?
(Lovely Wife has recently joined POTLaN, better known as Parents On Their Last Nerve.)

Bacon: I don't know.
(CAP members are highly trained to withstand the fiercest interrogation.)

Bear: Because we don't have a bathroom in here!
(As the CAP Team Leader, Bear launches a flanking attack to support his troops.)

Lovely Wife: Gah!
(Bear's flanking attack is successful. Lovely Wife's adult thought processes cannot switch gears fast enough to counter his devious non sequitir.)

Bear and Bacon smile, content in their victory as Lovely Wife and I devolve into a laughing fit.

Posted by: Jim at 07:24 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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The family had to be based in freaking New York. Upright, uptight Atlantic state New York, a place of unbridled acceptance of general morality. My life could have been so much cooler if my family was from West Virginia. It's warmer, which is something I've really come to appreciate since moving to Georgia. Lots more scenery and nice mountains. Western New York has no mountains. They even frown upon hills there. And most importantly, in West Virginia they let you boff your cousins. more...

Posted by: Jim at 10:41 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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No, I'm not talking about the infamous Singaporean animal masturbator, any of the worthies on WorstJob.com or even the guy who collects worms from cattle intestines. I'm talking about the poor S.O.B. who has to squeegee clean the holodecks on the Enterprise at the end of the day. more...

Posted by: Jim at 02:47 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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